Retail Hell Underground

Jimmy Kimmel Goes To Costco

Jimmy is one bad customer we don't mind!

For more retail visual fun, click on the link in the post below to watch a satire about a Best Buy-type of computer store.

Go Watch Retail

Last month we posted a funny short film about a computer super store called Retail.

The filmmaker has entered it in a contest at Crackle.com and needs your help to raise the viewer count.

Go and watch it at Crackle from HERE

It's just as fun the second time and you're helping support a fellow Retail Slave!

Mother's Day Retail Hell Fallout

No, it's not Halloween. Apparently all was not Mother's Day calm yesterday in retailland. We received this disturbing message from Retail Slave Abrina in California:

"I always thought that Mother's Day was a day where you can thank your mom for all the crap she has to put up with you, and with breakfast in bed, and a full day of spending quality time together all day.... I thought wrong.

In Retail Hell today, I had hundreds of mothers, bring their screaming, crying children into our store and let messes settle after they passed though.

I cleaned up a melted icee, and I smelled like artificial blue raspberries. I told a customer I'll be right back, and the other, standing right there, asked me a questing as I was leaving. "Didn't you freaking hear me when I said I would be back in a moment, yes I'll look for a shoe for you when I'm trying to escape insanity, in a world where college educated persons don't even know how to read a black and white sign right above the damn product. So I'll be right back in a moment."

Customers want so much from a poor sales associate, working all alone in a demanding department, do they want me to wipe their ass too after they shit? I mean they can't even throw away their Surf City cup in a trash can five feet away, in clear view. In a mayan world, I can't wait till 2012, so maybe we can kill off some stupid people.

Hope all your Mother's Days were more pleasant that mine! In Retail Hell, I truly feel like a mom, cleaning up my children's messes, all the time."

Thanks for venting with us Abrina. We hope you are off today. We wanted to do something to cheer you up and we know you like animation, so here is a link to a funny potty-humor short from Weebl's Stuff.com. Enjoy. We all need a good Monday laugh, especially those of us who spent yesterday in Retail Hell.

We Honor Our Retail Slave Mothers

This is one of RHU's Contributors, Staci, and her recently born son Tannner. Congrats Staci and Happy First Mother's Day!  It's a miracle a woman can work in Retail Hell and give birth. We salute you! Have a great day all you Retail Slave Mothers. We hope none of you are working.

Happy Mother's Day!

A nice presentable photo for all our Moms out there! No middle fingers, no f-bombs, just us being good kids! We hope you all have a fabulous day and you're treated like queens! Our wish for you...CLICK HERE.

Retail Hell Merchandise

We wanted to vomit our shitty mall food lunch when we saw this:

If you don't know who this is plastered all over these stacked mugs for sale, let us tell you, but we warn you, if you become enraged or nauseous by anything connected to George W. Bush, perhaps you should go check on Obama's status. The smiling couple on the mugs is Georgie's daughter Jenna Bush and, as of today, his son-in-law, Henry. Apparently their wedding in Crawford, Texas has spawned businesses to sell commemorative souvenirs. 

We're like you've got to be fucking kidding us right?

Nope, check these out:

Yes, it's a fucking mouse pad of Jenna and Henry. So gross. Freddy's mouse told him if he puts that underneath him he is running away.

These weird looking things are described as leather decoratives. Huh? Jason said they look like dog chew toys.

Fucking Jenna and Henry ornaments. Gag. Who gives a shit? Carolanne is reaching for her hammer.

Jenna and Henry buttons. Barf. Regan said if she has to ever look at this pic again she is going to gouge her eyes out!

WTFFFFFFF?  We don't know that these fucking things are with the cancer sugar stuffed in them.  Just plain sick and psycho.

And yes...another fucking mug! Believe it or not there's a crapload more souvenirs available, but seriously we did not want to put you through anymore visual torture. The reason for this RHU exercise with Retail Hell Merchandise is to point out that it could always be worse somewhere else.....imagine if you had to look at this shit every day? Or move it around and re-merch it every day? Or mark it down? Or have a customer bitch at you because there are no more Jenna and Henry heart mugs. Yes, there are many other worse Retail Hells out there, and this is one.

Customer Garbage Can

We caught this Piggy Mess at Urban Outfitters. Coffee Cup Garbage Can. The lesson here: Always wash your new coffee cups. You never know what they were used for before you bought them.

Target A-hole Customer Gets Told

This week's Retail Balls Award goes to Joseph Benjamin from San Antonio...

I work at Target. It was January 2007. I'm ringing this guy up, he's at about $150, and I'm placing some pears he has on the scale to weigh them.

It comes out to $1.46.

The guy yells - yes, he yells - "Hey, I saw that! Why don't you take your hands off the scale and run that again!"

I said, "Sir, my hands were nowhere near the scale, but, I'll run it again anyway."

I ring up the pears, with my hands held in the air like I was being robbed.

The price? $1.46.

I let it go, and don't say a thing. Everything is fine until I hand the guy the reciept, saying "Thank you, have a good night sir."

He replies, "What? is Target a bag-it-yourself store?"

I said to him, "No sir, I've bagged them. Target is a put-your-own-bags-in-your-own-cart store."

His face turns red and he asks to see the manager. My line was building up, so i said, "Sir, I have 2 managers, they're both on lane 18. Pick one, and have a goodnight."

He whips back with, "You're somethin' else! I'm never shopping here again!!!"

In a calm voice, I replied, "Well, sir, at least we'll both be happy."

The man looked right at me, turned his head and his cart towards the exit, and walked out. I haven't seen him since, and it's been almost a year-and-a-half.

..and yes, I'm still happy...

Great job Joseph! RHU salutes your Retail Balls!  And you didn't even swear! Carolanne and Freddy would have gotten a time out and been written up for sure.

If you've got Retail Balls and you Told a Customer...we want to hear about it! Send your stories to us on Myspace or to retailhell@flash.net

Do You Work Here? Comeback Lines

Costco Shoppers Out of Control with Coupons

A Retail Slave at Costco in California sent us these Retail Hell pictures after a night of Coupon Carrying Customers trashing the place. She informed us it's like this every night during coupon months.

What's really troubling to us about all this Retail Hell at Costco is that it's WHOLESALE and many of its members are business people and...ummm..dare we say it...IN fucking retail! WTF? What is wrong with them that they have to throw shit everywhere?

According to our Retail Slave Costco Informant, Customers who have that delirious infatuation of getting "a perfect fresh one" (we're talking bottle, box, and can), like to pull from the back and bottom of a large pallet causing messes and dangerous shopping conditions.

Retail Hell Underground has a few solutions for these crazed Coupon Shoppers. First, we'd add a condition to each and every coupon:

And for the part about Customers pulling from the back and bottom of pallets, a shelf sign:

And if none of these work?

Unleash Betsy...

She won't take shit off of nobody.

New Merchandising Technique?

...naw...just the aftermath from a bunch of Piggy Shoppers who seem to think THE FLOOR is where the clothes belong. However, RHU would like to point out that, this CAN become a new merchandising technique if there are no Managers or Assistants about to force you into cleaning it up. Maybe the Customers will learn to shop from the floor since they like to throw things on it.

TJ Maxx Retail Hell

YouTuber TBCIK is documenting his retail life at TJ Maxx and we loved this video of his friend Brian and how he handles all those hot messes we hate: with a little dance and a little laugh.

If you want to check out more of TBCIK (We don't know his real name) here is the link to his youtube page: www.youtube.com/TBCIK

Store Closing Retail Hell

Closing down a store permanently is no fun. Besides having to pack up all the shit, there is that awful dread of having to find another Retail Hell job. Once the store has has closed it's doors you'd think that would be the end of dealing with Stupid Fucking Customers...not so says mystery novel writer and former Retail Slut Sandra Neish. She has sent us this amusing tale of a store closing...where Stupid Fucking Customers never went away.

It was May 2007 in the Redneck Riviera section of Florida. The retail clothing store I was manager for was closing shop.  It was a corporate decision (it is a fairly well-known clothing retailer consisting of only one word and having an "x" in the name) and we had had a big, fucking sign in the middle of the front of the store from corporate stating that our store was closing on x date and to visit our other regional store locations.  My associates and I were totally fed up with our district manager - a complete and utter retard who expected us to be making plan when we were being closed for not being profitable. Hello!? WTF?

We were also fed up with our customers.  Every time we reminded one of them that our store was closing, we were inevitably greeted by a dumbstruck expression and questioned about "Where's the sign?" It's in the middle of the fucking front of the fucking store you complete fucktard...that is where it is.

So, the store closed.  Now, picture the following scenario if you will:  10 am, the day after the store closed, the mall is just opening for business, our gate is still down, the closing sign has been taped by yours truly to the large glass window at the front of the store.  It seems patently obvious that the store, is in fact, closed for business.  Then, tapping begins.  Customers come up to the gate and tap.  Customers come up to the glass - WITH THE FUCKING CLOSING SIGN ON IT - and tap.  Customers wave us over.  Questions abound.

"Are you closed?"
"I need to return something, can't you open up just for me?"
"When are you going to reopen?"
"Are you going to relocate to the new mall?"
"Can I buy your fixtures?"
"I just need to get a gift card."

On and on and on it goes.  The mind-numbing, dumb-fucking questions are endless and endlessly annoying.  I was finished.  I started getting rude and sarcastic.  If I walk by a store, whose gate is down when it should be up, and the associates in the store are cramming shit in boxes, and there is a fucking store closing sign on the goddamned windows, I am not tapping on the glass to ask anything.  I am reading the sign, saying "oh, well," and moving the fuck on.

Then, there were the peaches who decided to duck under the gate whenever it was remotely up half-way or even less.  They would duck under the gate, enter the half-empty store and go "are you closing?" Or better yet, "when are you closing?"  We started getting really nasty with them.  I just said "wow!  The store is half-empty and there is a sign on the glass.  Yes, we are closed.  No, you can't be in here.  Please leave now!"  Then, the inevitable storm of stupid-assed questions would begin. 

I got really sick of answering them.  So, I made a sign.  Here is what the sign said:

Our store is CLOSED.  We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.  Please read the following answers to our most frequently asked questions as our associates are very busy and will not come to the front of your store to answer any question.

1.  This is a permanent close.  We are not remodeling.  We are not going to the new mall.
2.  The  nearest three stores are:  (xx, yy, zz).
3.  If you would like further information about our company, please check the website.
4.  We cannot let you in for any reason.
5.  If you have a return, please go to a store listed on #2.
6.  We cannot open the registers for any reason, not even to tell you your gift card balance.
7.  Our fixtures are not for sale.
8.  Please do not tap on the glass as it will not do you any good.  We will not come over and answer questions as we are busy closing the store.

Thank you for your past patronage.

Customers are truly stupid.  In fact, on the last day we were allowed to be on the store property, my husband was helping me shovel the remaining crap out of the store.  Another associate was there and the gate was about half-way up.  I was about to go to the mall manager and hand over the keys.  The store was completely empty, all boxes of merchandise had been picked up, the registers were even gone.  Nothing remained.  The following is the stupidest exchange I have ever had with a customer:

M = Me
SFC = Stupid Fucking Customer (or another "c" word, if you prefer)

SFC ducks under the gate and looks around the store dumbstruck.

SFC:  I have a giftcard.

M:  I'm sorry, our store is closed.  You can't be in here.

SFC:  But I have a giftcard.

M: (looking at her as though she had grown another head)  Our store is closed.  We have no registers; we have no merchandise.  There is nothing I can do for you.

SFC:  I have a giftcard.

I and the associate look at her in complete consternation.  We believed that we had a psycho in our store and had no idea how to rid ourselves of her.

M:  (slowly, as though explaining something to an overemotional toddler) Our. Store. Is. Closed.  There. Is. Nothing. I. Can. Do. For. You.  Please. Leave.  You. Can't. Be. In. Here.
SFC:  What, am I just supposed to throw the giftcard away?

M: No, use it at a different location.  They are listed on the sign you walked past on your way in to ducking under the gate of an obviously closed store.

SFC:  (walking away in a huff)  Well, you could have just said that instead of treating me like I was a retard.

M:  Well, maybe if you had asked what you needed to do instead of just stating that you have a giftcard over and over again, I would have been able to give you the information you needed.  If you act like a retard, I'll treat you like one.

The look on her face was beautiful.  I had nothing to lose and it made me feel so nice and chirpy to crush her like a cockroach.

Excellent story Sandra! Thanks for sending it to us. Jason is clapping like a five year old after eating too many gummy worms.

Fitting Room Door Sign

Crying Bitch Customer Gets Told

The Wal-Mart story from a few days ago, inspired us at Retail Hell Underground to pay tribute to Retail Slaves who stand up to rotten customers. Thus we give you:The Retail Balls Award. If you tell a customer off, we want to know about it!!! There are no actual Retail Balls prizes yet, cause we are just punk-ass Retail Slaves, but you never know what the future holds. For now, the prize is sharing your retail war story with the world! Our very first RHU Retail Balls Award goes to Megan Tollison, a Retail Whore in Oklahoma. Congrats Megan. Great job! Here is her story:

So, I was scanning the pages of your wonderful blog and a story about my wasted 3 years at Hobby Lobby dealing with fucking crazy bitch soccer moms and grandmothers came to mind, and I must share it.

It was a day when I was the only cashier up front, because it was slow.

A woman came up and said, "I need to exchange this," or some shit and I said, "That's fine. You can leave it right here while you go look around."

So, her old wrinkled ass walked off, and then like 58,495,845 fucking people came up and I had to call like 4 more checkers.

Well, she came back up to the front, stood off to the side and went, "Uh....I need to exchange this. I was here first."

I said, "Actually, you have to go to the end of the line and wait.

Of course this caused her fucking head to spin off into another dimension. She asked me to call the manager to the front, and so I did so I could have someone to hold me back from slicing both her tits off.

I continued to check the other customers out, and then the manager got up there and she STARTED FUCKING CRYING!

I wanted to fucking kill her.

So, what did the manager do?

Told me to let her to go through ahead of everyone else.

So....the customer gave me that, "See bitch? I was right" look.

As soon as the manager walked off, I said under my breath but just loud enough for her to hear, "You are getting your way because you cried like a little bitch."

Before she could get a word out, I was done and I said, "Have a nice day!"

Megan, you have some awesome Retail Balls and we at RHU salute you!

If any of you Retail Slaves out there have Told a Customer - we want to hear it and maybe we'll give you a Retail Balls Award and post here on RHU! Send us your story on Myspace or to retailhell@flash.net

Bad Retail Moon Rising

I know.....I KNOW. ....what every one of you retail SLUTS, WHORES, WENCHES and DICKSICLES are thinking. ...JaSoN's FLIPPED HIS FUCKIN' LID, AGAIN ! ...He's off his HEAVY MEDS....trippin' out......writing a Halloween Blog when it's FUCKING SPRING!!!!!

...I PROMISE (Boy Scouts Honor),from the BOTTOM of My BALL-SAC that JaSoN and his meds are just FINE!  ..........and I am not Drinking or heavily INTOXICATED......Not Just Yet,..Anyway!

.....But , "AFTER SURVIVING" my own personal CREEP-A-ZOID RETAIL TRAUMA during last week's FULL FUCKIN MOON......It's a wonder my SKULL PENIS hasn't been ripped off my skeletal body and shoved up Carolanne's Ass!

...Now, I'm not a Retail Slave who dabbles in all that OCCULT CRAP or believes in SUPERNATURAL SHIT....But after that "TWILIGHT ZONE DAY", I might just shave off MY ASS HAIR ..Buy an Armani Robe....and EXPOSE MY PHALLIC WOUNDS while preaching  on some nearby Hollywood street corner that........."RETAIL WEREWOLVES" ...DO EXIST....And BITE...FUCKING HARD,TOO!

   ..... This EDGAR ALLEN POE-PECKER Tale began like this:....It's a tranquil day inside JaSoN's mind........Birds are chirping....Hottie girls are massaging spf15 suntanning lotion on his skull head...... (INTERRUPTION... Hey, JASON 'DAYDREAMER!!!!!! Get to FuCKING WORK!!.....stock those shelves,ASSWIPE! )

WTF......Back to Retail Reality!! ......Before I can come to my senses AND RETALIATE...

I noticed outside our store....The sky was gloomy and grey.....all of a sudden 3 women dressed like TRANSYLVANIA-CARNIVAL HOOKER GYPSIES enter.

......(Thought to myself: OK....Jason..Stay COOL!....put on a Happy Face and sell, SeLL, SELL...to THEM!  .....My mothers voice: KINDNESS!! .....Don't JUDGE THEM!)

.....BULLSHIT!!!!!!.......That's when THIS FRIGHTMARE  STARTED!!!!

....JaSoN approaches 1st Lady.

  1st Lady (with Long, RED FINGERNAILS and STRINGY UNWASHED BROWN CURLY HAIR) .......JaSoN thinking......How does she hold toilet paper and wipe her VAJAYJAY with those NAILS......that must HURT.

....JaSoN: Can I help You! ...(friendly smile)

..1st Lady: ...... Does it look like I NEED HELP?....Waving HER CLAWS in my face and almost slicing MY NOSE OFF!

...JaSoN: Well,I just thought...(Rudely Interrupted by her)

..1st Lady:......I don't GIVE A DAMN....WHAT  U  THINK! ....If I NEED HELP,....I will FIND YOU!  ....(With a Smirk and Attitude...SHE SNARLS at me showing her CANINE TEETH.)

......JaSoN keeping his FONZIE COOL....walks away sloooowly...not to startle the SAVAGE BEAST!

......As I round the corner to meet the other 2 women.....I catch them pawing at a bunch of cheap ass cosmetics, knocking stuff on the floor, tossing packages on shelves, opening backstock drawers...THEY STOP!....Shift their eyes at me.....AND STARE!    .....For a moment, I felt a chill run down my spine....AS IF I was a PORKCHOP SURROUNDED by a HUNGRY PACK OF WOLVES!    .......One Lady had GREEN EYES and the other had GREY.   .............I SWEAR...Before I could open my mouth to offer any service to them.....The GREEEN EYED LADY'S EYES changed to WOLF YELLOW!!!!! .... LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD might have LOVED TO BE EATEN  by the BIG, BAD WOLF!.......But NOT JaSoN'S ASS! .....FUCK FAIRYTALES!!!!

...JaSoN: ....Can I Help You! ....(interrupted by GREY EYES )

...Grey Eyes: .....HELL NO!

...Green (Yellow) Eyed Lady:  ....Still STARING.....(SILENCE)

...JaSoN...(CREEPED OUT and GETTING PISSED) : thought:.....This is TRIPPY....THAT'S IT!...........Enough of THIS SHIT!!!! .......I STARED BACK AT THEM.....with my own KILL BILL SKULL-FUCKING LOOK and JACK NICHOLSON .....SHIT-EATING GRIN ! And then I BOLTED to the other side of the store!

.......Possibly, wigged out by my aggressive Customer Service skills.....I watched The LADY-PACK join the other WOLFWOMAN at the front of the store.

.....All 3 of them came together, and it was as if they knew I was watching from behind a Charmin display...because they all three shot me ANOTHER CREEPY ASS STARE ...the kind of STARE that a dog has before he attacks a steak ....then they GROWLED and stormed out the door! I went back to the aisle they caused so much destruction in and saw SHREDDED packages of MAKEUP all over the floor..huge fuckin WEREWOLF MESS!! Then I SAW they had CLEANED OUT a backstock drawer full of NAIL POLISH!!

The THREE WERE-SHOPPERS had stollen close to 50 bottles! What were they going to do? Paint their claws?

A fellow Retail Slave came up beside ME: ....JAWED dropped (SPEECHLESS)

JaSoN: .....WTF ...BITCHES ripped us OFF!...WEIRD SHIT...

Retail Slave: You Know....It's a FULL MOON.

JaSoN looks to the mess the WEREWOMEN made. Then back to the Slave.  ....Scratches his SKULL HEAD and says:........REALLY.......NO SHIT. SHERLOCK! FUCK ME WITH A DOGGY BONE! I feel like taking ALL my CLOTHES off, LICKING my BALLS and HOWLING at The FULL MOON! Maybe I'll GROW SOME more HAIR and FANGS and razor sharp CLAWS and then I'LL HUNT DOWN THOSE WERE-BITCHES and MAKE them EAT EVERY GODDAMN FUCKIN BOTTLE OF NAIL POLISH THEY STOLE!

      In closing this RANT......MY ADVICE TO YOU RETAIL WARRIORS is this:...Next time you find yourselves working the LATE SHIFTS and/or during A FULL MOON....bring along RETAIL SILVER BULLETS....AN ATTITUDE......and last but not least your BRITNEY SPEARS  MEDS. ..........I KNOW I ALREADY HAVE MINE!

      Til next Time, RHU TROOPERS.....Keep Your RETAIL TITS AND ASSES BURNING!

             RhU...JaSon....StILL CrAzY and NuTS!

Wal-Mart Bitch Customer Gets Told

A Retail Slave in Los Angeles sends us this funny Wal-Mart story that could almost be one of our Comeback Lines. We have no idea if any of this tale's origin or if it's true, but we certainly applaud how this Retail Slave handled it....

"A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenties at them allthe way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice Children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?'

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'"

If you know who this greeter is, tell them to contact us and we'll give them the RHU Retail Balls Medal of Honor.

Earthquake Retail Hell

Freddy was born and raised in Reno, Nevada where for the last few weeks there has been hundreds of little earthquakes. Our hearts go out to all the poor Retail Slaves like the one in this pic who have to clean up Mother Nature's wrath.