Retail Hell Underground

4th of July in Retail Hell Sucks Stars and Stripes

The Fourth of July is upon us. Right around the fucking corner. And who will be working it? Me. You. EVERYONE OF US RETAIL SLAVES. And you all have the same managers... they post the fucking bulletin up about absolutely not requesting holidays off, etc. etc. God I fucking hate managers. They will totally get the CAKE shifts. As usual, right? They’re usually out back doing “paperwork” ALL FUCKING DAY. ANYways. That’s a whole other rant!

The biggest thing I hate about retail is working holidays. You know, I didn’t really mind it when I first started almost 7 years ago. Because I was young. And dumb. And full of fucking cum. I got some time and a half, or double time, and holiday pay, etc. etc. But now it seems as I’m getting older I’d like to have the fucking holidays to myself and my loved ones. Fuck holiday pay. Fuck time and a half. Just makes it so Uncle Sam can rape you harder in the ass. That’s all. Especially if you’re getting paid bi-weekly. They rape you so hard!

I have worked every fucking holiday for the past 7 years. I was the one to ALWAYS get nominated to work the shitty holiday shifts. Like “Oh, she doesn’t have anything better to do. She’s a loser. Let’s make HER work.” Bah. Fuck you all. Did I mention managers BLOW stinky monkey cock?

So of course, my other half is getting THURSDAY-SUNDAY off at his job. Of course. Thursday to fucking Sunday. That’s insanely sweet! That’s how factories are. They fucking give their people ALL the good shit off! I get one stinkin day off this holiday weekend.

I love to chill and grill too dammit. I want to dance naked with my sparklers and piss of the neighbors. I want to get completely annihilated and puke horrendous chunks in my yard. On the neighbors car. Etc. etc. I want to smoke cigs until my lungs explode. Yes. Oh yes. But I will not be able to. Fuck you retail giants for being open on holidays. And Sundays. (Once again. A whole other rant there!)

And all those fucking people I will see this weekend will make me even pissier. Because you KNOW that they could be spending time with their families and not driving their fucking gas guzzling Hummers and SUVs all the way out here to East Bumfuck. (And we ARE in East Bumfuck...we have pig farms nearby and we’re built on A FUCKING SWAMP!) But NOO instead they are at the fucking OUTLET MALL. On a holiday weekend. I can’t even fucking afford gas to go to the fucking outlet mall for my shitty job. Jesus.

And you know.. the sales really aren’t THAT great either. They never are. They just make so much fucking hype about them that people say “Oooh. Look at that 30%-50% off select merchandise. I must go! Oooh. Up to 70% off.” Ahh shut the fuck up. There’s ALWAYS an “UP TO” sale going on. Even on non-holidays you fucking imbeciles. And that 70% off will be one fucking rolling rack. Or one measly wall. Customers are getting swindled left and right. They’re so easy.

We happen to have a shitty holiday sale at work. And I’m glad too. I hope people bitch about it and fucking LEAVE! Bwahahaha. We had better sales on the non-holiday days then on holidays. Stupid fuckers don’t know any better!

So for all you Retail Slaves working this weekend. I salute you.

If you get a chance, take a few shots of Tequila for me PLEASE. Worm and all.

Happy Fucking Holidays,

Regan.

Retail Hell Tale: Camel Toe Wears Prada

Hey Sluts and Whores, Carolanne here. Last week I bitched about Women Shoppers and their asshole husbands. A Beverly Hills Retail Slut said it reminded her of a disturbing situation recently except the husband was more of doormat in this instance:

One boring Saturday afternoon the phone rang in my little boutique. The shrieking voice of woman on the other end asked if I was the one who had previously helped her with some shoes.

After pulling the phone away from my shattered eardrums, I responded, "What shoes?"

She screeched back like a pterodactyl: "You know...the one with the heel... they are in black."

I wanted to slap the bitch right there. One with the heel? In black? Half our stock is in black. I made some shit up as if I knew which ones she was talking about. Then I put them aside for her on hold and got her off the phone.

A few hours later she shows up in person: a big, lumpy woman with dirty blond hair and white sunglasses with fingerprints all over them. The weirdo was wearing a tight green stretchy top and very small pink capri pants. I could tell she was going to be a bloodsucker, so I got her the shoes and stood back while she tried them on. 

No surprise - the 8 was too big and the 7 1/2 was too small, so me being the good salesgirl, I recommended something else: "These are the newest design by Prada. They just came out and they might fit you a little better."

She grunted at me like a cow and roughly tried them on. They fit better than the others, but she claimed they were still too small. She then reached into her handbag for her phone to call her husband (god forbid she make a decision on her own) and to her surprise she had left her phone at home. So she asked to use mine.

When she gets a hold of her husband her screechy annoying voice loudly echoed all over the boutique. I'm thinking she must be hard of hearing or something as she yelled at him to check online to see which Prada shoes he liked better. Ten minutes go by, they are like tweedle-bitch and tweedle dumb-ass and he has still not found the right shoes and she is getting angry. A few more minutes go by and I swear she had grown fangs with saliva dripping from them - she was fuming now and screaming at him over the phone.

Keep in mind it's a small boutique... her screeching tirade of name calling - stupid idiot, dumbshit, moron, etc. reverberated across the store. Other customers got annoyed and soon left. She was such a bitch to this poor man on the other end who was trying his hardest to find her fucking Prada shoes on their website.

So then she turns on me and asks me if I know where to find them on the Prada website! WTF? I glared at her and said, "Ma'am, I'm not the Prada website!"

While she continued to rip her husband several more assholes, my coworker pulls out a small piece of paper and writes on it: THIS BITCH HAS THE WORST CAMEL TOE EVER!

And then I saw it. I don't know how I could have missed it before. It was like bread rising, fat and fluffy, looking like it was about to swallow her pink capris. Needless to say I had to do everything in my power not to throw up my $20 lunch. Was it the moose knuckle that was causing her to be such a moody douchebag?

After thirty minutes of Camel Toe Rage, she and her husband over the phone had finally come to a decision. They wanted the original Pradas I had pulled for her. I got her a new pair from the back and proceeded to ring her up as she examined the shoes thoroughly. I was so glad to see her leave.

The next morning as we opened all hungover from the night before, here comes Camel Toe in all her gaping disgust...carrying the bag with her Pradas...

CT. I changed my mind I found another pair online. Do you have them. It's #88325.

Me. No Miss CT I do not have those shoes here.

CT. Well can you go check in the back?

Me. Our boutique did not order those shoes.

CT. Well I saw them online I know they make them.

Me. I didn't say that they were not made, I just simply said we did not have them.

CT. Well can you call all the stores in New York and find them for me?

Me. No You massive Camel Toe bitch you can call them yourself on your own phone using your own minutes and find the other shoes you are going to buy then return!

CT. Well thank you for all your help I hope I have not been too much trouble.

Me. Oh sure no trouble at all. You have only been the biggest pain in my ass ever. And another thing get some pants that fit so I don't have to see your Vag. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Prada bitch!

And thank you Beverly Hills Retail Slut! I think I would have beat the shit out of her with the Prada shoes! Come the fuck on now...she really needs to stop harassing you  about style numbers and take care of that camel toe problem.

Costco Slave on Shopping Cart Retail Hell Pet Peeves

C.S.I. - Costco Secret Informant
Case: Pet Peeves on Carts.

Peeve #1: I'm a woman, but not prissy, but when you have to push 6-10 heavy as shit carts and your building momentum down the parking lot, headed to the store and some bitch walking in front of the cart train suddenly stops, I have to put on the motherfucking cart train breaks to keep from running the fucker over. Then I'm supposed to wait until they move their fat ass and start all over again! I mean come on!! Heavy fucking carts!! Move people!!!!! My costco is on a hill and it sucks pushing the carts up hill, but then to have to stop because some Member decides they want to stop and chat....or they want to grab their basket from the wall and put their purse down and then their kid and then fucking check it out and make sure its good.....ahhh fuck them! Going down hill from the left side of the warehouse rocks though! When people wanna step in front of me once again I have to stop except its harder because I have the pull of the hill and my conscience telling me to teach them a lesson...

Peeve #2: Dangerous things like CARS and the dumbasses driving them! They make us wear orange vests but I don't think it helps because I had a Member start backing up when I was right behind him....I almost rammed the carts I had right up his Honda's ass.

Peeve #3: When those CARS driven by dumbasses see me coming and decide to drive faster to get around my runaway cart train. I want to yell out, go ahead and smash into the carts you stupid asshole, but please keep my body out of the demolition derby.

Peeve #4: Members who leave their carts WHEREVER THE FUCK THEY WANT! Especially when it's a short distance away from where they actually belong. In the photo below, the man in white is where they belong, but I guess it's just too far to walk for some Members.

Peeve #5: Members who are too lazy to return carts to the inside of the designated parking lot cart corral when they are INCHES away from it as shown in this photo below. The cart was left on the outside of the corral. The Lazy bitch couldn't walk five inches to put it in the proper spot. I could give them an A for effort, but hell no! They get a big fat fuckin F.

Peeve #6: Leaving the baskets full of boxes? WTF? Why did they ask for them in the first place if they aren't taking them home? They get outside and empty their shit and then leave the boxes on the ground and in the basket. Then I have to go picking them all up. They had the fucking cart to haul their shit to the car. Did it really need to be in boxes?

Peeve #7: The whole Monkey see Monkey do thing, where Members just leave carts in a weird place like THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET and every one follows. "Hey lets put carts on top of flatbeds and put them in trees!" Stupid dickwads.

Peeve #8: When Members leave garbage in the baskets. The white blob in the photo below is a FUCKING DIRTY DIAPER that some douchebag left in the cart. Believe it or not this happens all the time.

Peeve #9: When the front line of the carts hit the damn parking block and I take 10 carts to the gut because that shit stopped instantly and went right back into me. I know that was probably my fault but hey....job hazard...carts are dangerous! Maybe I should scream "Workman's Comp!"

Peeve #10: Members who say, "Hey, can I have one of those carts?" as I am pushing a train of a thousand of them. Fuck you! I'll run your ass over if you don't get out of my way!

Peeve #11: Members who feel the need to walk home with a cart and leave it on the street. This isn't a Costco cart in the pic below and I sure as fuck wouldn't walk into the neighborhood to retrieve it, but still. If you need a cart get your own. Don't take ours.

Case closed.

CSI
Costco Secret Informant

Shopping Cart Retail Hell Mystery

This photo was sent to us by our Costco Retail Slave informant who we will be calling CSI - Costco Secret Informant. CSI will be posting all kind of Retail Hell found at your nearest Costco.

Here CSI noticed a shopping cart was mysteriously lifted onto a flatbed cart. WTF? Who would do this and why? Those things weigh a ton.

We have two theories: Pissed off WWE wrestler or Aliens.

RHU has a call into Scully and Mulder. This is a total X-File. The truth is out there and we want to know it, so the poor Costco Slave that had to remove this cart can go hunt down the culprit and kick their ass.

Come back and visit us tomorrow for a full report from CSI about Shopping Cart Retail Hell. Until then, keep an eye on those carts everybody.

Retail Slave Escapes From Wal-Mart

We've been giving out Retail Balls Awards to Slaves who have told customers, but it also takes balls to up and quit your Retail Hell job. Former Wal-Mart Retail Slave Michelle in New Jersey sent us this message:

"UMM [[clears throat]] May I announce that I finally got the balls to QUIT! Haha! And the muthafuckers are crying for me back!!! Psssh! Nevaaaaa! You can keep all the BS and customer attitudes...well....Thanks for pure HELL (of course) that added up to 2 years 4 months and 15 days....urgh."

Urgh indeed! It does take balls to quit when you've had enough. Congrats Michelle! We wish you greener pastures and a Retail Hell-Free future. Godzilla is happy for you too:

Retail Slave Flips Out in "Shut Me Up" by Mindless Self Indulgence

Lea from NY found us this awesome music video called Shut Me Up from the band Mindless Self Indulgence. Lea said she wishes she could lay out some of her customers like the guy does in the video and we so totally agree! It's a little of what we're all thinking during those days of Retail Hell.

Kerry's Fitting Room Nightmare Part 6

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT...

Women Who Need Buying Permission From Men Make Me Want to Beat Some Sense Into Them with My Dior Pumps

Hey there bitches, we are still working on getting through the shitty sale time but something had to be said about all the women customers out there who need approval from men when they buying clothes.

It really pisses me off and you women really need to grow a set!

I mean come the fuck on, it's 2008, not 1948! You work hard for your money! If you want to spend $400 on embroidered jeans, no one should tell you otherwise. It's your goddamn money. You're not telling him he shouldn't be buying that $500 gun rack or $1000 useless GPS system.

Almost on a daily basis I have a woman come in to return and say "My husband didn't like it" or "My husband said I cant have this!"

I'm sorry, your husband just said, "You can't have this?" I just want to jump over the counter and shake them and say, "What the fuck do you mean your husband said you can't have these jeans! You need to slap the shit out of him and bring down the rain by telling him there will be a mountain of stuff he won't be able to have if he doesn't get off your ass. And the first thing you take away is the blow jobs. Believe me, it won't be seconds before he's taking you and your new jeans out to dinner."

Fuck your husbands and grow some fucking balls! If you can't then you sure as fuck need to stop wasting all my time having me give you my fashion advice and product knowledge, show you every goddamn thing in the department, and basically hold your fucking hand for an hour while you decide what you want, and then you bring it back into the store a week later and tell me some fucked up shit like your "Husband didn't like it!" Who cares whether or not he fucking likes your new Jimmy Choo stilettos? If you fucking like them keep them! The douchebag won't be wearing them. Or Maybe he will.

And while I'm bitching about controlling husbands, another thing that sends me into a retail rage is when I've been helping some whiny bitch for an hour and she says, "Oh, I don't know maybe I need to call my husband and get his opinion first." You have got to be fucking kidding me, what the fuck? Are you in kindergarden? Are you so fucking retarded and color blind you can't make your own clothing decisions? There is nothing I hate more than women without independence and opinion. Unless you're going to tell me your husband is Alexander McQueen, Ralph Lauren, or Oscar de la fucking Renta, I suggest you go find your own style.

Anyway that's really all I should say about this for now. Fuck permission seeking, indecisive woman and their asshole men. I'm off to the fucking bar!

Target Mutilated Bag - Retail Hell Underground Style

Johnny Law Performs Retail Hell Live Unplugged

Hey Retail Slaves! Tomorrow - Wednesday, June 25, - former Retail Slave now Rockstar, Johnny Law will be performing his awesome song Retail Hell on San Francisco's KUSF 90.3. Go to www.kusf.org and listen to him sing it and other songs unplugged at 4:00 p.m. PST on Wednesday the 25th - That's tomorrow! If you haven't heard Retail Hell or seen the video, check it out:

Jennifer Lopez Causes Retail Hell at Boutique?

One of our Retail Slaves has alerted us to a Retail Hell story being reported by The New York Post's Page Six. Apparently Jennifer Lopez and her entourage swooped into a boutique on Manhasset's Miracle Mile last week and reeked havoc on the Retail Slaves there. They demanded the store be shut down for private shopping - the store's Slaves said no. Then Mama Lopez made a huge mess in the fitting room and her gun-wielding bodyguards yelled at the counter Slave to give Jennifer a 50% off discount! WTF? Pretty fuckin low JLO! You can see the Page Six report by CLICKING HERE.

Summer Dress Retail Hell

Dress hangars from HELL!



Thirty seconds later this happens:

JLO must have stopped by.

Mad TV's Lorraine Terrorizes a Second Hand Store

She's a full on freak but we love her nonetheless! Enjoy this classic scene of Retail Hell at the hands of Lorraine from Mad TV.

Backroom Doorbusting Customers Get Told

For all us Retail Slaves The Backroom or Stockroom means something different. Sure it's a place to store all the merchandise shit that can't fit out on the floor, but it's also a place for us to get away from customers for good reason. Lea from NY sent us some of her backroom customer incidents and a few general types of customer who piss her off by charging through those swinging doors.

Most people in retail know of the backroom.  It's a strange place where all the stuff that cannot go on to the floor stays until there is room to put it out.  Trucks drop shipments off back there and as we all know they are usually a study in creative disarray.  But customers really do not understand that.

I work in the backroom at my store.  I am the person that checks in the merchandise that comes via outside vendors (ie. Chips, DVDs, etc). Unfortunately my desk is right by one of the doors facing the floor, this has lead to some interesting interactions with customers.

First off, let me explain something to the non retail people reading this: THE BACKROOM IS DANGEROUS, especially in the larger stores.  We have forklifts, we have other power equipment running back and forth, semis are coming in,  large items are usually stacked at least 10 feet off the ground, and so on.  So those of you that think it is just all right to walk into a backroom looking for help, think again.

I have had some "wonderful" customers wander in and get upset as I escort them out.  Let me just share a few:

Before I got my current position, I was a sales floor Droid, too.  I helped a customer on the floor, he needed a large grill.  No problem.  I found a backroom worker and he went to get it with a forklift because the grill was on at the top. As my partner retrieved the grill, in comes another customer and WALKS UNDER THE FORKLIFT!  Those of you that work in factories are already groaning. I grabbed the man's arm and asked him to leave, I would get him some help. The man got upset, but my partner yelled at him, "Fine buddy let me drop this 500 pound grill on your head then."

One day as I was checking in one of my food vendors.  Next to me was the grocery manager  and we were talking to the vendor about changes to his area, as I was checking the merchandise. In walks a customer, "Sorry to interrupt your break.  But I am more important."   After he was escorted out.  My vendor says.  "Should I hit his car with my truck?"

Here are some of the general customers that take it upon themselves to go into a room marked off limits.

Wanderer: Claim they don't know they are in the backroom.  I guess the concrete floors and the stacks of merchandise aren't enough clues.

Bathroom:  Claim they need to use the bathroom.  Sorry if it's in the backroom, it's not for customers.

Impatient:    Claim NO ONE is out on the floor. Believe me as soon as I escort you out, guess what there is someone.

Overseer:   Claim they want to make sure we are not going to drop their merchandise. So you have just given us a reason to drop it.

Needy:    Claim they need a ladder, or a broom, or some other such nonsense.  Do you work here? No?  Then let us do our jobs and clean up or get what ever you wanted.

Almost Shoplifter:  Run into the backroom with merchandise, made the mistake of coming in with a ton of people in the back.  Either they run for the nearest door, or turn around.  Either way you are on camera and lots of witnesses. Dumbass.

The Group: Usually middle aged women, They will always claim they need something, but won't actually come into the backroom.  Perhaps they are checking out the men in the back, I really don't know.

All of you are annoying and cannot read. When it says stay out! Stay out!

Vendor's Comeback Line

Our Backroom Correspondent Lea in NY also sent us a Comeback Line from one of her Vendors:

Kerry's Fitting Room Nightmare Part 5

Another Fitting Room Disaster captured by Kerry. Another heinous day in Retail Hell. Kerry is dreaming...dreaming of...THIS (CLICK HERE)

Fitting Room Door Sign

Congratulations to Becca!

One of our Myspace Retail Slaves Becca was fired from her Asst. Manager Position in Retail Hell and she sent us a message asking for congratulations! We love that way of thinking and wanted to do just that! Congratulations Becca! You deserve better and you will get it! Fuck that place, we're sending Godzilla over.

Costco Customer Gets Told

This week's Retail Balls Award is going to a Costco Slave in California. We're not mentioning her name cause we don't want her getting shit...

My day at work walking in the Costco warehouse started like this:

Member: "HEY, HELLO!!!" (Very loud and annoying)

Me: *I had no clue they were talking to me.*

Member: "HELLO!!! HELLO!!! HELLOOOO!" (Even more annoying and loud)

Me: *keeps walking no idea they mean me and if they do I don't respond to that*
Member: HEY!!!! COSTCO PERSON!!!!

Me: *turns around with dirty look on face*

Member: Where are the garden hoses?

Me: *Thinking*.... Are you kidding me? You call me "Costco Person" from way across the friggen warehouse and you want me to direct you to the right area? Go fuck yourself.

I picked an aisle and gave him specific instructions....for the wrong way...on the other side of the store.....hahaha...Member Person...

This is a most excellent demonstration of how to get back at a pissy, rude-ass customer. Sending them the wrong way never fails! Well done!

JibJab's Big Box Mart

Our Myspace Retail Slave Friend Kimmie turned us on to this JibJab video, so we're turning it on to you. Satire and scary retail messages!

Target's Island of Misfit Merchandise

...aah, the Misfit Merchandise nobody wants once they've checked the price. Will Santa rescue them?...naw...just some poor Retail Slave on Piggy Shopper Patrol. Perhaps these aisle endcaps with price scanners should be cleared and retitled Dumping Station as depicted above. It's quite obvious customers are too fucking lazy to march their fat asses back to where they got the merchandise originally. And oh yes...we have saved the best for last...the photo is not complete....CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE FLOOR.