Fed Up Barista: Coffee Customers Need To Shape Up Part 2

If you missed Part 1 of Sydney's Top 9 Ways Not to Come Across As a Moron or Asshole to Your Barista, you can read it HERE.

Otherwise enjoy Part 2:

Hey Retail Slave Caffeine Junkies!

Here's the continuation of my advice for coffee customers. Please spread the word. They really need to listen. Especially if they want that double mocha latte with soy made the way it should be.

We continue with number....

5.) I am not your Mama or your Maid, it shouldn't be my job to clean up after you. For one thing, I really don't get paid enough to do that. And also, there are THREE Garbage Cans available for customer use in the dining room area of our Cafe. How hard would it be for you to put your trash in one of them? And if you do manage to get your lazy ass to walk over to the trash, can you at least put your garbage INSIDE OF IT?! You are not doing me any favors by putting garbage on top of, around, or near it. Is it really such a big deal for you to take two extra seconds to make sure your trash goes inside the basket? I think not!

6.) I cannot make the steam wand heat up your milk any faster, I'm not freakin Harry Potter for crapsake. So, complaining about it is futile, and it just makes you look like an inconsiderate prick with a brain the size of a coffee bean. Also, I only have TWO HANDS, not eight, which means that there is only so much I can do at one time, especially when I'm working by myself. It's not my fault half the city has the chicken flu. Please keep your mouth shut and be patient, I will get to you as soon as I can. If you're in a hurry I suggest you get your coffee fix at the McDonald's drive thru.

7.) Mind your own damn drink! If you insist on eyeballing my every movement as I make drinks, it will usually lead to me saying in a sweeteningly sick sarcastic voice, "Please take a seat, and I'll call you when your drink is ready." If you still choose to monitor me, please keep in mind that not every drink I'm making is YOURS moron! You are not the only one ordering a drink. Just because I am putting whipped cream on a drink, doesn't mean that it is YOUR drink. I am not a moron and I realize that you do not want whipped cream. That doesn't mean that the person ahead of you doesn't want whipped cream on theirs. Another way to annoy the hell out of me in this situation is to tell me multiple times that you want your drink to have soy in it, WHILE I am steaming the goddamn soy milk. I already know your drink is supposed to have soy, THAT'S WHY WE MARK THE CUPS! Unlike some of our illiterate customers who can't read the menu, I am capable of reading the side of a stupid cup and comprehending without having to ask 101 moronic questions. Let me do my job people!!!

8.) Speaking of incompetency, do not assume that your Barista is dumb. This one really brews my ass big time! It's extremely insulting, especially since I know what the fuck I'm doing! There was one night where this customer came into the store, and assumed that because I work a low-paying job at a retail coffee store that I must be an idiot. He thought his order was really complicated (even though it wasn't) and insisted on telling it to me slowly, like I was a five year old retard. Then the jerk said he was amazed I got it correct. I told him I'm was amazed he was such an ass! Okay, so I didn't call him an ass, but I did tell him that he shouldn't assume that just because I'm a barista, I'm incompetent. I have known baristas with college degrees. People who choose this line of work usually do so as a way to pay the bills, not because it's their career aspiration. Almost all baristas are Retail Sluts! They have other things going on in their life, and this is just a way to supplement their income. Outside of work, I sing in bands and I am also a published writer, but unfortunately, neither of those things are enough to pay my bills right now. I couldn't deal with being a cubicle monkey, because I would find it too confining, and I prefer being on my feet while I'm working, otherwise I get sleepy, so that is why I have chosen to be a barista. I do not plan on doing this forever, nor do my co-workers, and I consider them all to be bright people. Honestly, you will not make it very far as a barista if you are dumb. You have to be able to think fast on your feet, and have a good memory, otherwise you will mess up orders and face the wrath of fire breathing caffeine-craving dragons from hell!

9.) If you treat a Barista like crap, I am here to tell you THERE WILL BE PAYBACK! It seems as if some people are too moronic to realize that it is generally not a good idea to be mean to the people making the food and/or drink they are about to CONSUME. I have heard about some dirty tricks baristas have played on asshole customers. It's not hard to briefly take a drink in the back and add an unsavory ingredient. I wouldn't do that, but it doesn't mean that other Baristas wouldn't. I've know baristas who did all kinds of things to mean customer's drinks. One like to spit, while another chose Visine as the drink weapon of choice because it gives people the runs. Good times with Barista Revenge! It's not that I wouldn't love to play tricks like that on douchebag customers, especially when they deserve it, but I believe in Karma way too much to do something like that. Although, I do confess, there was a couple of times where someone pissed me off so much that I made their drink decaf when they ordered a regular, which I know is wrong, but I saw it as less harmful than sending them down the Hershey highway!

The point to all of this is: Be nice to your barista. Otherwise you'll never know what kind of drink you are getting! A decent tip in the jar would be nice too!

Whether I'm out at a restaurant, store, or another coffee shop I always try to treat the Retail Slaves with the same kind of respect and courtesy that I would want if I was the one behind the counter. We need to stick together on this one Retail Slaves!

Till next time coffee lovers,

Sydney

Comments

[Freddy]

We do have stick together! These customers need training!

[Regan]

I could never make it as a barista. I would fucking choke the shit out of some yuppy fuck.
Amen to you sister lol.

[Leyla]

I NEVER fuck with people that make me drinks/food. NEVER. Hasn't anyone seen Waiting? Lmao. That shit is for real! Come on! It's common knowledge. And... Visine you say???? That's interesting :)
I would never do something like that either.. but knowing that is fun LOL. I think Karma exists as well. Not the My Name is Earl type of Karma but yeah.. Lol.
My friend in Washington says they have this place.....shit I can't remember the name....but the baristas are like half nekkid. Imagine working THERE and all the nasty pervs you'd get.. UGH.

[Sydney]

Yeah, even when I'm fully clothed at work I have to deal with way too many nasty customer pervs. I could only imagine how much worse it would be if I was showing some skin. Sheesh! Those poor baristas, my heart goes out to them.

Oh and thanks for reading my blog and giving feedback on it. You guys rock!

[VinnieG]

Right on! Nothing tweaks my ass more than the people who really think that they are superior to someone else. I always want to tell these jerks to just remember one thing about bookstore employees (and that means the baristas too). . .bookstores are the home of the underemployed. Odds are that person steaming the latte has a lot more education than 3/4 of the idiots coming through the line. Unfortunately most of those degrees tend to be in the fine arts. . .sigh.

[babygirl]

I'm actually a longtime customer and normally NEVER have issues at my favorite coffee spot. the tip about not speaking 2 u slow like ur stupid is unfortunately a practice of mine when I encounter a NEW barista at my coffee spot. The others know EXACTLY how I prefer my drink - peppermint WHITE chocolate mocha made w/ WHOLE MILK, 6 pumps peppermint, 6 pumps mocha NO whip cream. A newbie seldom fails to give me DARK chocolate mocha. At $5 per drink, if I speak slow to get the correct order don't get too offended.

[Sydney]

Here's a tip, Babygirl. Instead of talking to your barista like they are a retard, speak normally when you make your order, and then ask them to read it back to you before they make the drink. That way you can catch whether or not they will be making a dark mocha or white mocha before they make it and potentially fuck it up. If baristas keep thinking that you want a dark mocha instead of a white one, then maybe it's your fault and you are not accentuating the word white enough.

Yes your drink is overpriced but that doesn't give you the right to talk to someone like they are an idiot. If you don't like how much it costs, then go get some cheaper coffee from McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts, 7-11 etc. instead. No one is putting a gun to your head and requiring you to buy an overpriced mocha. This is a common complaint that I hear from customers and I'm sick of hearing it.

[babygirl]

First, I'm not slamming baristas or coffee prices. Second, I'm American & speak PERFECT English. & they generally do repeat my order exactly like I give it to them, rarely needing a correction. Even then I get the wrong order. It seems most times the issue arises from distractions n the coffee shop. So when I say WHITE mocha, it sounds NOTHING like CHOCOLATE mocha. The point of my entry is to say SOMETIMES I speak slowly to NEW baristas until they get to know me & my order. & when I tell them it's OOOPS LOOKS LIKE THIS IS CHOCOLATE... I guess I was wanting to reassure u most customers (especially me) do not think ur retarded. My apologies if u thought I was saying anything negative about any of you.

[Scott]

Sydney, its not just Baristas that get annoyed with insane customers. I present to you my rules

[Mark]

Visine does not cause the squirts, but it can actually kill if enough is ingested. Check out Snopes.

[kells]

I've just discovered your posts, and as a fellow barista, I cannot agree with you more.

About tricks, though, there are a lot simpler things to do to nasty customers (such as people who claim that our coffee isn't fresh, when it most definitely IS.) Try giving them awful shots, or over-steaming their milk, sugar-free syrup, that sort of thing. ;)

You know what bugs me? When people try to use lingo from another coffee shop (I'm looking at you, starbucks!) at other locations. It may seem like a miracle, but not everyone goes there! Please use normal English, or read the boards that tell you what to say; and don't get mad when I don't know your foreign lingo!

Man, people don't realize how tough baristas have it.

[Alex]

"If baristas keep thinking that you want a dark mocha instead of a white one, then maybe it's your fault and you are not accentuating the word white enough."

This always pisses me off. Apparently, yuppie assholes can only whisper for some reason. Also, I hate when they swipe their fucking credit cards 20 times before you've rung up the order and then get pissed off when you tell them that you weren't ready.

[mac]

Holy shit, its coffe making not rocket science. Get a grip on yourself you idiots. We are in America. Large = Large, small = small, part time worker making coffee = part time worker making coffee

[Erin]

As a frequent customer at Starbucks, I read your list to make sure I wasn't committing any cardinal sins. I never realized it was annoying when customers stand at the bar to wait for their drinks, but I can see how it would be. I'll stop doing that. :)

I'm a college student who works at Subway, so I totally understand what you mean about people assuming you're not very bright. My favorite is when people speak very quietly and when I ask, "tomato?" to confirm what I heard, they yell "MAY-OOOOOO!" Sorry, bitch, tomato and mayo sound very similar in a noisy store. At least I asked before putting it on your sandwich.

I'm glad you don't mess with customers' drinks when they're mean to you. Something that seems harmless could actually be dangerous (i.e., giving a customer sugar-free syrup instead of regular... they could be allergic to aspartame). I usually just smile, tell them to have a nice day, and add something along the lines of "please fall off a cliff you stupid whore" in my head.

But I digress. My point is... nice blog!