Fed Up Barista: Coffee Customers Need to Shape Up

Not all Retail Slaves work in Department and Discount Stores, some slave away in coffee shops and book stores. We have a new Retail Hell blogger and she's a Barista named Sydney...you might remember her from Scream...of course, her life as a Barista is a different kind of horror movie...when you are making coffee the only screaming is that of impatient and rude Caffeine Junkies. To address this, Sydney has written a manifesto that should be posted at every coffee house:

The Top 9 Ways Not to Come Across As a Moron or Asshole to Your Barista (Part 1)

Hey Retail Slaves,

I put up with a lot of shit being a Barista and it's time that customers get trained. This is for them... 

1.) Please people, I beg of you...know what you are ordering. And if you don't know what a triple blueberry chai tea double espresso upside down pineapple latte is then for godsake fucking ASK me!!! I'd rather have you do that and explain how the drink is made, than have you order a drink which contents you are unsure of, and then have to hear you complain about how you don't like it or you are allergic or some shit. It is more of a waste of time for me to have to listen to you bitch, and then have to make you a different drink so that you'll shut the fuck up about it (after all, I have other customers to take care of, so I most certainly don't have all day to listen to you whine), than it would be for me to simply explain to you, at the beginning of your transaction, how a Cappuccino is made.

And while we're on the topic of Cappuccinos.....NO, there is not too much foam in yours...a Cappuccino is A LOT of foam, and a LITTLE Espresso, so if that isn't what you want, ORDER SOMETHING ELSE!!! I will happily explain this to you at the beginning of your transaction, and without attitude. I usually only give 'tude to people who are rude and/or aggravate me, so I suggest you save us both from wanting to hit each other with baseball bats and make sure what you are odering is really what you want.

2.) If a drink is not listed on the Menu Board, we probably don't have it, SOOOO don't turn into a fucking diva drag queen and throw a Hissy Fit when I tell you that I can't make you a drink that IS NOT ON THE MENU! And telling me that we had Pumpkin Pie Spice Lattes in December isn't going to change the fact that it's MARCH and we don't fucking have them. I cannot make a goddamn Pumpkin Pie Spice Latte, I cannot make one magically appear out of my ass either, so STOP YOUR BITCHING, ORDER SOMETHING ELSE, OR TAKE YOUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE! It really is that simple, what is on the Menu (if you would take the fucking time to read it) is WHAT WEVE GOT!!

3.) This one also has to do with our Menu since it seems to cause so much confusion amongst our less bright customers. It's one thing to ask questions about information that is not given to you on the Menu (see number 1), but to stare at the menu for ten fucking minutes and then ask me what's in a Carmel Latte when the ingredients are listed, just makes you look like a retarded moron. If you are unable to read, you are exempt from this, but considering that I work in a Cafe in a fucking BOOKSTORE, you would hope that most of our customers are literate, but such doesn't always seem to be the case - there are many people that buy books to look at the pictures.

4.) No, I am not being a Barista Bitch (on purpose, at least not in this case) and cheating you out of a straw, napkin, cup of water, sugar, etc when you ask and I tell you to turn your fat ass around and look behind you. All those things and more are on the condiment bar, for your convenience, so STOP giving me attitude.

Okay, that's it for now. I can feel the steam rising off my skullhead. Check back next week for the rest of my Top 9 Ways Not to Come Across as a Moron or Asshole to Your Barista.

Sydney

Comments

[Freddy]

I promise to be good when ordering my coffee! Thanks for joining us Sydney!

[Leyla]

Stupidity in people is just known in every type of business isn't it? Sad.. Lol.
Good job Syd!

[LA Retail Slut]

Why is it customers refuse to read menus or signs? I see it all the time....

Everything you say is true! I've worked as a Barista slave for over a year now and it is damn scary how stupid people can be. Sydney, why do you think they are so dumb?

Enquiring minds what to know.

[Sydney]

Hi Everyone! Thanks for reading my blog and for all of your nice comments! I feel much better after getting all that off my chest, and hope that you will stay tuned for the next part of my blog.

Customer stupidity seems to be a national pandemic that there is no known cause for or cure. Let's just hope that it's not contagious!

[DSK]

Great Job Sydney - you really tell it like it is - thanks for the honesty in your rant.

[VinnieG]

Oh I feel your pain. I have a feeling we work for the same company. I recommend Xanax with a vodka chaser. It helps the pain a little bit.

[yoga barista]

My barista credentials:
More tattoos than fingers? Check!
Token nose piercing? Check!
The classic "I pay a lot of money to make my hair look like I cut it with pinking shears in my garage" haircut? Check!
Too well-read for my (or anyone's) own good?Check!
Indie poseur, closet Prince fan? Check!
Seriously freaking talented in the arts of making coffee AND engaging people (oh, and making it look like I DO have eight hands and love it)? Check!
Hates everyone who sets foot in the door of my beloved coffee shop? Ch- oh. Well, shit, I'm fired.
Okay, I have to do this. I have been a barista for over 10 years. I can't stand to see a barista who hates her job. People like you (stereotypical snotty baristas who mistakenly think misanthropy equals moral superiority) make people like me, who genuinely love their job, even, dare I say, especially the customers (so you know I'm crazy..) look bad. My advice to anyone working in any kind of retail who hates people this much: Get. Another. Job. You have plenty of opportunities in plenty of fields that do not involve taking money from people or even having to talk to them. But don't think your intolerance of humanity makes you smarter, better, or anything-er than anyone else. You're just a jerk who isn't qualified for retail, let alone the cool-headed and cheerful multitasking that, when done well, approaches Zen, that is barista-ness. I wish you the self-awareness to find your next perfect job, where you can be all alone with your superiority complex. And seriously, I wish you peace. Just get thee to a factory or something, anywhere at all but behind a service counter. Make the world a better place by finding your place in it. In the meantime, don't spread the misery. It's mean.

[Kaelyn]

Why are you on this website then if you don't like hearing people complain about their jobs?

The more we rant on here, the better employees we become because we don't have so much pent up rage!!

[AnaBosse]

I understand. Thank you for this Sydney.