Bad Retail Moon Rising

I know.....I KNOW. ....what every one of you retail SLUTS, WHORES, WENCHES and DICKSICLES are thinking. ...JaSoN's FLIPPED HIS FUCKIN' LID, AGAIN ! ...He's off his HEAVY MEDS....trippin' out......writing a Halloween Blog when it's FUCKING SPRING!!!!!

...I PROMISE (Boy Scouts Honor),from the BOTTOM of My BALL-SAC that JaSoN and his meds are just FINE!  ..........and I am not Drinking or heavily INTOXICATED......Not Just Yet,..Anyway!

.....But , "AFTER SURVIVING" my own personal CREEP-A-ZOID RETAIL TRAUMA during last week's FULL FUCKIN MOON......It's a wonder my SKULL PENIS hasn't been ripped off my skeletal body and shoved up Carolanne's Ass!

...Now, I'm not a Retail Slave who dabbles in all that OCCULT CRAP or believes in SUPERNATURAL SHIT....But after that "TWILIGHT ZONE DAY", I might just shave off MY ASS HAIR ..Buy an Armani Robe....and EXPOSE MY PHALLIC WOUNDS while preaching  on some nearby Hollywood street corner that........."RETAIL WEREWOLVES" ...DO EXIST....And BITE...FUCKING HARD,TOO!

   ..... This EDGAR ALLEN POE-PECKER Tale began like this:....It's a tranquil day inside JaSoN's mind........Birds are chirping....Hottie girls are massaging spf15 suntanning lotion on his skull head...... (INTERRUPTION... Hey, JASON 'DAYDREAMER!!!!!! Get to FuCKING WORK!!.....stock those shelves,ASSWIPE! )

WTF......Back to Retail Reality!! ......Before I can come to my senses AND RETALIATE...

I noticed outside our store....The sky was gloomy and grey.....all of a sudden 3 women dressed like TRANSYLVANIA-CARNIVAL HOOKER GYPSIES enter.

......(Thought to myself: OK....Jason..Stay COOL!....put on a Happy Face and sell, SeLL, SELL...to THEM!  .....My mothers voice: KINDNESS!! .....Don't JUDGE THEM!)

.....BULLSHIT!!!!!!.......That's when THIS FRIGHTMARE  STARTED!!!!

....JaSoN approaches 1st Lady.

  1st Lady (with Long, RED FINGERNAILS and STRINGY UNWASHED BROWN CURLY HAIR) .......JaSoN thinking......How does she hold toilet paper and wipe her VAJAYJAY with those NAILS......that must HURT.

....JaSoN: Can I help You! ...(friendly smile)

..1st Lady: ...... Does it look like I NEED HELP?....Waving HER CLAWS in my face and almost slicing MY NOSE OFF!

...JaSoN: Well,I just thought...(Rudely Interrupted by her)

..1st Lady:......I don't GIVE A DAMN....WHAT  U  THINK! ....If I NEED HELP,....I will FIND YOU!  ....(With a Smirk and Attitude...SHE SNARLS at me showing her CANINE TEETH.)

......JaSoN keeping his FONZIE COOL....walks away sloooowly...not to startle the SAVAGE BEAST!

......As I round the corner to meet the other 2 women.....I catch them pawing at a bunch of cheap ass cosmetics, knocking stuff on the floor, tossing packages on shelves, opening backstock drawers...THEY STOP!....Shift their eyes at me.....AND STARE!    .....For a moment, I felt a chill run down my spine....AS IF I was a PORKCHOP SURROUNDED by a HUNGRY PACK OF WOLVES!    .......One Lady had GREEN EYES and the other had GREY.   .............I SWEAR...Before I could open my mouth to offer any service to them.....The GREEEN EYED LADY'S EYES changed to WOLF YELLOW!!!!! .... LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD might have LOVED TO BE EATEN  by the BIG, BAD WOLF!.......But NOT JaSoN'S ASS! .....FUCK FAIRYTALES!!!!

...JaSoN: ....Can I Help You! ....(interrupted by GREY EYES )

...Grey Eyes: .....HELL NO!

...Green (Yellow) Eyed Lady:  ....Still STARING.....(SILENCE)

...JaSoN...(CREEPED OUT and GETTING PISSED) : thought:.....This is TRIPPY....THAT'S IT!...........Enough of THIS SHIT!!!! .......I STARED BACK AT THEM.....with my own KILL BILL SKULL-FUCKING LOOK and JACK NICHOLSON .....SHIT-EATING GRIN ! And then I BOLTED to the other side of the store!

.......Possibly, wigged out by my aggressive Customer Service skills.....I watched The LADY-PACK join the other WOLFWOMAN at the front of the store.

.....All 3 of them came together, and it was as if they knew I was watching from behind a Charmin display...because they all three shot me ANOTHER CREEPY ASS STARE ...the kind of STARE that a dog has before he attacks a steak ....then they GROWLED and stormed out the door! I went back to the aisle they caused so much destruction in and saw SHREDDED packages of MAKEUP all over the floor..huge fuckin WEREWOLF MESS!! Then I SAW they had CLEANED OUT a backstock drawer full of NAIL POLISH!!

The THREE WERE-SHOPPERS had stollen close to 50 bottles! What were they going to do? Paint their claws?

A fellow Retail Slave came up beside ME: ....JAWED dropped (SPEECHLESS)

JaSoN: .....WTF ...BITCHES ripped us OFF!...WEIRD SHIT...

Retail Slave: You Know....It's a FULL MOON.

JaSoN looks to the mess the WEREWOMEN made. Then back to the Slave.  ....Scratches his SKULL HEAD and says:........REALLY.......NO SHIT. SHERLOCK! FUCK ME WITH A DOGGY BONE! I feel like taking ALL my CLOTHES off, LICKING my BALLS and HOWLING at The FULL MOON! Maybe I'll GROW SOME more HAIR and FANGS and razor sharp CLAWS and then I'LL HUNT DOWN THOSE WERE-BITCHES and MAKE them EAT EVERY GODDAMN FUCKIN BOTTLE OF NAIL POLISH THEY STOLE!

      In closing this RANT......MY ADVICE TO YOU RETAIL WARRIORS is this:...Next time you find yourselves working the LATE SHIFTS and/or during A FULL MOON....bring along RETAIL SILVER BULLETS....AN ATTITUDE......and last but not least your BRITNEY SPEARS  MEDS. ..........I KNOW I ALREADY HAVE MINE!

      Til next Time, RHU TROOPERS.....Keep Your RETAIL TITS AND ASSES BURNING!

             RhU...JaSon....StILL CrAzY and NuTS!

Comments

[Ashley]

Oh how horrible! Those women would scare me to death, I wouldn't even dare approach them. I'd shoot them good "I'm watching you" eyes, tho. That would be fun. GAH retail!

[Regan]

Oh man. I am sorry about your shitty ass day lol. I like this though: AS IF I was a PORKCHOP SURROUNDED by a HUNGRY PACK OF WOLVES!

[Leyla]

What a bunch of whores!!!!!!!!!!!!! Btw, I have always wondered how people do everyday things with long ass mofo dirty nails LMAO

[Kerry]

I have always wondered the same thing myself. How do they even get dressed? Can they button or zipper their pants? Can they use the keypad on a phone? Do they have to ask for assistance? Can they do anything at all that involves use of their hands or fingers?

[Hugh Jackman]

.....Werewolves,and WERE-SHOPPER women.

....HATE'Em .....HATE'EM ....Hate'EM

....DATED SoME! SHITTY Breath! HAIRY ARMPITS! ROTTEN TEETH! STINKY SLINKIES!

.....Almost bit my 'VAN HELSING' OFF! Had to get a RABIES SHOT...DOWN THERE!

[Freddy]

Jason you have such a lovely way with with words and wolfwomen..

[Jane]

Very funny Jason, you bad boy....sorry you had to put up with that!