Store Closing Retail Hell

Closing down a store permanently is no fun. Besides having to pack up all the shit, there is that awful dread of having to find another Retail Hell job. Once the store has has closed it's doors you'd think that would be the end of dealing with Stupid Fucking Customers...not so says mystery novel writer and former Retail Slut Sandra Neish. She has sent us this amusing tale of a store closing...where Stupid Fucking Customers never went away.

It was May 2007 in the Redneck Riviera section of Florida. The retail clothing store I was manager for was closing shop.  It was a corporate decision (it is a fairly well-known clothing retailer consisting of only one word and having an "x" in the name) and we had had a big, fucking sign in the middle of the front of the store from corporate stating that our store was closing on x date and to visit our other regional store locations.  My associates and I were totally fed up with our district manager - a complete and utter retard who expected us to be making plan when we were being closed for not being profitable. Hello!? WTF?

We were also fed up with our customers.  Every time we reminded one of them that our store was closing, we were inevitably greeted by a dumbstruck expression and questioned about "Where's the sign?" It's in the middle of the fucking front of the fucking store you complete fucktard...that is where it is.

So, the store closed.  Now, picture the following scenario if you will:  10 am, the day after the store closed, the mall is just opening for business, our gate is still down, the closing sign has been taped by yours truly to the large glass window at the front of the store.  It seems patently obvious that the store, is in fact, closed for business.  Then, tapping begins.  Customers come up to the gate and tap.  Customers come up to the glass - WITH THE FUCKING CLOSING SIGN ON IT - and tap.  Customers wave us over.  Questions abound.

"Are you closed?"
"I need to return something, can't you open up just for me?"
"When are you going to reopen?"
"Are you going to relocate to the new mall?"
"Can I buy your fixtures?"
"I just need to get a gift card."

On and on and on it goes.  The mind-numbing, dumb-fucking questions are endless and endlessly annoying.  I was finished.  I started getting rude and sarcastic.  If I walk by a store, whose gate is down when it should be up, and the associates in the store are cramming shit in boxes, and there is a fucking store closing sign on the goddamned windows, I am not tapping on the glass to ask anything.  I am reading the sign, saying "oh, well," and moving the fuck on.

Then, there were the peaches who decided to duck under the gate whenever it was remotely up half-way or even less.  They would duck under the gate, enter the half-empty store and go "are you closing?" Or better yet, "when are you closing?"  We started getting really nasty with them.  I just said "wow!  The store is half-empty and there is a sign on the glass.  Yes, we are closed.  No, you can't be in here.  Please leave now!"  Then, the inevitable storm of stupid-assed questions would begin. 

I got really sick of answering them.  So, I made a sign.  Here is what the sign said:

Our store is CLOSED.  We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.  Please read the following answers to our most frequently asked questions as our associates are very busy and will not come to the front of your store to answer any question.

1.  This is a permanent close.  We are not remodeling.  We are not going to the new mall.
2.  The  nearest three stores are:  (xx, yy, zz).
3.  If you would like further information about our company, please check the website.
4.  We cannot let you in for any reason.
5.  If you have a return, please go to a store listed on #2.
6.  We cannot open the registers for any reason, not even to tell you your gift card balance.
7.  Our fixtures are not for sale.
8.  Please do not tap on the glass as it will not do you any good.  We will not come over and answer questions as we are busy closing the store.

Thank you for your past patronage.

Customers are truly stupid.  In fact, on the last day we were allowed to be on the store property, my husband was helping me shovel the remaining crap out of the store.  Another associate was there and the gate was about half-way up.  I was about to go to the mall manager and hand over the keys.  The store was completely empty, all boxes of merchandise had been picked up, the registers were even gone.  Nothing remained.  The following is the stupidest exchange I have ever had with a customer:

M = Me
SFC = Stupid Fucking Customer (or another "c" word, if you prefer)

SFC ducks under the gate and looks around the store dumbstruck.

SFC:  I have a giftcard.

M:  I'm sorry, our store is closed.  You can't be in here.

SFC:  But I have a giftcard.

M: (looking at her as though she had grown another head)  Our store is closed.  We have no registers; we have no merchandise.  There is nothing I can do for you.

SFC:  I have a giftcard.

I and the associate look at her in complete consternation.  We believed that we had a psycho in our store and had no idea how to rid ourselves of her.

M:  (slowly, as though explaining something to an overemotional toddler) Our. Store. Is. Closed.  There. Is. Nothing. I. Can. Do. For. You.  Please. Leave.  You. Can't. Be. In. Here.
SFC:  What, am I just supposed to throw the giftcard away?

M: No, use it at a different location.  They are listed on the sign you walked past on your way in to ducking under the gate of an obviously closed store.

SFC:  (walking away in a huff)  Well, you could have just said that instead of treating me like I was a retard.

M:  Well, maybe if you had asked what you needed to do instead of just stating that you have a giftcard over and over again, I would have been able to give you the information you needed.  If you act like a retard, I'll treat you like one.

The look on her face was beautiful.  I had nothing to lose and it made me feel so nice and chirpy to crush her like a cockroach.

Excellent story Sandra! Thanks for sending it to us. Jason is clapping like a five year old after eating too many gummy worms.

Comments

[Freddy]

Awesome story Sandra. Loved it, especially the last line!!!

[the bagel of everything]

Ok, I understand that the store is closing...but I really need to pee.

[Freddy]

I'd give you a special pass Bagel

[Jane]

This was funny..I can so relate..even when I store closes for the evening...people beg to come in...WE'RE CLOSED!!!

[JaSoN.....ReTaiL heLL]

That was a 'GREAT STORY'....MOmmY! ...Can you tell me another one....WEEEEEEEEEEE!

JaSoN sucking his thumb: WhAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
....My diaper IS WET! Can anybody in RhU land ....ChANGE Me!

.....hOW about U BaGeL?

[Dexter]

Sandra you are the shit!!!! You my dear lady are my heroin. I can only imagine what it felt like to say that to her. We all bow down to you you.

Thank you

[Carolanne]

Fuck yeah Sandra! You go girl! Dexter is right!

[Morticia]

That was an awesome story. I was laughing out loud.

[the bagel of everything]

Thanks Freddy. Now that I'm in here and all, I just wanna return these panties. The label says they're white, but after only 6 days of wear, you can clearly see they're all red and brown.

I think the dye is defective.

[Gidget]

Sandra...that is like, the best retail hell story I've ever heard! OMG! You go, girl!

[Leyla]

That's fucking awesome. I think sometimes we WISH for our stores to close just so we can be dicks LOL!

[Regan]

Ahhh I love human ignorance. I tell ya...