Christmas Retail Hell Poem

T'was the Night Before Hallowthanksmas

In honor of some of the common themes heard from the depths of RHU and spurned on by FauxSnow overload as well as a lil' too much caffeine, my late night musings have produced the following:

T'was the night before Hallowthanksmas and all through the store, cowered the poor retail slaves, the sluts, and the whores. The shelves were all stocked with crap here and there, in preps that dumb customers soon would be there.

 

When people should be nestled all snug in their beds, instead they lined up for the 4am ads. Mom wants a WiiFit and Dad wants a Sox cap, get it right now or they'll most likely snap.

 

Then at the front doors there arose such a clatter, we open the doors and hope not to get battered. Away to the sale racks they flew like a flash, tore open the packages, and threw up in the trash.

 

The gloom of the hours to be worked in this flow are eerily similar to places below. When what to our worrying eyes should appear, but a slobfested trail of eight piggy shoppers.

 

And then the slave driver, er, I mean our dear boss. ordered us to cater to their whims at all costs. More rapid than eagles their orders, they came, they cussed and they shouted and called us bad names.  

Now faster, now quicker! Now cheaper, now free! More coupons and sale match and where's that damn Wii? To top of our patience, to the top of our will. Just dash them all, dash them all! Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill!  

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly They tear through the store with nary a sigh. So back to the break room we carefully sneak, for just a few minutes of calm and some peace.  

And then in a sickening sound I did hear, "Hey you! yeah you, don't you work here?"  I then turned my head and faked a slight grin. and hoped that this guy would not do me in.  

He was dressed all in denim and he smelled like stale beer. his teeth were half missing and he wobbily jeered. "I'm looking for things, you know what they are?" Damn, I left my E.S.P. helmet out in the car.  

After near half an hour of "guess what I want" Up comes another one, fat, rude and blunt. "How dare you! you liar! It says so right here!" "This purse is on sale till then end of the year!"  

I look and I look and regretfully tell her, we're out of them now and have none here to sell her. "Well, what about this one?" as she grabs at the rack, "My daughter must have this designer mule sack!" I sigh cause I know i say this in my sleep "No Coach bags are on sale (you cheap ass fat *beep*)"  

And now there's a clean up in fitting room two, someone has fingerpainted with their own poo. Cleaning the mess leaves me quite queasy, again to the breakroom to go take it easy.  

But thwarted again at a small chance to rest and the cycle continues the worst at it best. At last my shifts over and I run like the wind, I thought that this nightmare would never end.  

I've got me a date with my pals Jose and Jack, I'll party with them and then hit the sack. And hopefully sleep till this stupidness ends, and I can have a real life with family and friends.

 

Have a  Happy Merry Joyful (Heck who we kiddin, just survive!) Hallowthanksmas everybody!.

 

-Spritzy

Comments

[Ashley]

That was amazing. Christmas season is gonna be something, eh?

[Regan]

LMFAO I love it! This was my favorite:

Now faster, now quicker! Now cheaper, now free! More coupons and sale match and where's that damn Wii?

[Green Boy]

Here's one for the books...

Jingle Bells
Retail's hell
Blow me the fuck away

People suck
when they save that buck
why can't they just fucking pay

OHHHHH

Dashing through the store
on my last bit of sanity
around the asiles I go
cleaning up the pee

HOE HOE HOE

Bitches and douche bags go
messing up my store
If one more bitch fucks up my shit
I'm-a kill that fucking whore!