Retail Hell Underground

Retail Hell Peeps

Easter is a comin and the Retail Peeps are not happy! Send us pics of your peeps doing their dangerous retail jobs. Many peeps will be killed from now until Easter, and we want to see it! submit@retailhellunderground.com

Customer Reject

Somewhere in the world, someone is eating a dry pancake.

Inside-Outer Hell

Kerry's Friday Retail Hell involved moronic custys hanging clothes inside out after they tried them on. Her message to them: "Fuck you! Inside-outers! How about I hang your guts inside out!"

Shopping Cart Torture

More Wal-Mart Shenanigans

More from Fed Up Wal-Mart Slave:

I just thought I'd update you all on Wal-Mart... So far, they have NOT stopped those IPH slips yet... and something worse I just learned about today (that took effect 3 days ago) is that now, like Target associates, we are being FORCED to sell credit cards.

I for one am REFUSING to take that little yellow slip and keep track of how many credit cards I sell. Not only do I hate when people always ask me if I wanna apply for a credit card, but I hate asking people stuff like that, especially when they also get annoyed.

Also, who the fuck can afford a credit card in this economy?!?! Wal-Mart is about greed, that is all they are! If I get called into the office because I'm not selling credit cards, I'll start selling them then... Well, maybe ask only one person a day and tell the managers no one wanted to apply for them. ;-)

Walmart is getting so fucked up. One story I forgot to mention, was a girl in cosmetics got a d-day (and still works at Wal-Mart, thankfully)... because she called off ONE DAY from work because one of her old friends from years back was killed, and went to the funeral. She got a d-day for going to a fucking funeral.

If you missed the first Wal-Fart Rant...CLICK HERE

Do You Work Here Comeback Line

Sent in by Jenn, via comments on one of our comeback posts. We had to make a script page for it cause it's quire a retailicious comeback line! Thanks Jenn!

Retail Corporate Truth Revealed!

 

This is not going to be a "funny" rant. I don't think there's anything funny about it. It seems to be a built-in feature of the retail business model that everyone at the store level is expendable.

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but retail companies don't want people at the store level staying around for a long time, because then they have to pay them more and give them better benefits, all of which cost money. So, from a business standpoint, it makes sense to create an atmosphere where the workers will eventually find the working conditions uncomfortable enough to find another job and move on. But, there are those of us who, for whatever reason, don't want to move on, people who are fairly comfortable where we are and who want to just do our job, and stay put.

Retail is not designed with us in mind. It's the same thing as a fast food restaurant. Ever wonder why fast food places don't have comfortable seats? Why there are never any seat
cushions? Because they don't want you sitting there all day, that's why. The seats are just comfortable enough that you can sit down, eat your burger, and leave. Stay much longer after that, and you're likely to end up with a sore behind. Same thing with retail. They don't want you spending your entire working life at the store level. Time spent working in a retail store is meant to be a few years at best. Work there any longer than that, and they'll start putting pressure, subtle at first, on you to try to get you to move on.

If you've been at your job for 4 or more years, and you're getting to the top of the hourly wage bracket for your position, along with the accompanying benefits, you're essentially taking up space that could be filled by someone that will do the same job for considerably less money and benefits, by starting at the bottom of the wage bracket. And the thing they seem to hate the most is people that have been there longer than they're supposed to, that are aware of this.

Now, I'm not saying that this actually IS the way this particular system works, but that it's what would seem to make sense to me, based on what I've seen in the over 25 years I've spent working in retail. Just my own observations. So, if you're working in retail, and you're wondering why your job sucks, wonder no more, because that's why. Do yourself a favor, and get the fuck out.

Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

<~~Triple Fucking M~~~>

Go Back Hell

Our hearts go to the poor Target Slave who had to put all this shit away! Retail Hell has it's irony - the Welcome To My Jungle pad - should read Welcome To My Nightmare!

Customers Wanting Help In a Foreign Language

Sent from C - A rant on customers who talk at us in a foreign language:
Don't get me wrong I love my job. Full time hours, decent pay, little to no manager involvement. But I'm the only one there during the times I am and I half to deal with all the customer complaints  that happen during my shifts.

To all of you immigrants who decide you want to do some shopping I say: Learn English or Learn manners, or at least teach them to your kids!! I know you can't understand a word I'm typing but please. Why is it the people who can't or won't speak English make the most complaints, ask the most questions. How much is this game? Is that what your trying to ask, cause I have no idea. Then here comes 20 minutes I CANT GET BACK EITHER of me trying to talk in as little words as I can think of to explain how much a game costs...

Some lazy bastards decide they want me to come to them. So they start yelling from halfway across the store... In Spanish... Just going nuts, after awhile I look cause I wonder what the yelling is about. What gives you the impression I know your transplant language? Cause I don't. No one I interact with on a daily basis knows. So there is no reason for me to assume that someone speaking it is trying to get my attention. So don't get angry with me that when you waste your efforts yelling, instead of walking 10-20 feet to get from where you are to my service desk. Cause even if you do, I'm gonna pretend like your complimenting me for a job well done. Cause I still don't understand you.

Even Better still. The people who decide they aren't going to talk over ambient noise of the store. Halfway across the store, barely whispering, in a transplant language. What makes them expect I'll notice, or think they are trying to get me. Is common sense against your religion? It's not against the law yet. My store doesn't have any policies against it. So try to use it sometime. It feels great.

Customer Rejects

Open grapes, potatoes, towels, and valentines....pissed off parent perhaps? Or maybe just a I'll-eat-some-grapes-and-dump-everything-on-a-shelf pig. Sent in by Depot Demon.

MADtv's Stuart Shopping For Shoes

Customer Reject

Insta-clothing rack.

Economy Slowdown Notice From The Management

Ben sent this to us. The author is unknown and apparently it's been making the email rounds. Clever and funny, it's frightenly realistic...

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination)

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme
Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on with the company will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

Al Bundy: Retail Slave Hero

Chinese Woman Misses Flight

Her sister was in Jason's store yesterday and reacted the same way when he told her they were out of MAC moistureflush eye cream. Just goes to show you, Custys will freak out anywhere.

Pant Hell

Resale Hell and Shoplifters

Hey Retail Slaves,

Hope you are all surviving out there. Today I'm ranting a bit about shoplifters.

I work in a glorified thrift store. You can get a coat for your kid for less than $15 or pair of shoes for less than $5, yet for some ridiculous reason we have a huge shoplifting problem.

We can't say anything unless we actually see someone take something. We have had to start locking our public restroom and now have to let people in with the key each time. We have to keep one shoe of each pair behind the counter. Coats and anything over $10 has to have an inktag on it.

We saw a woman take her son out of the store, sit down on the steps with him, pull a pair of shoes out of her purse put them on him, right in the front door. This incident was what started the holding of one shoe behind the counter policy. It's a total retail pain in the ass. We have 26 baskets full of single shoes behind the counter and have to find the mate to the shoe the cutomers want when they are ready to check out. It's a disaster! Our manager however, hilariously informed me of the new policy right in front of our shoe-lifter!

Another night a couple of women came in with several kids and ripped tags off of about $80 of merchanidse in the restroom and walked out with all of in the bags. One of the items was purple coat. About a week and a half later, they came back and the little girl was wearing the coat. Our manager  made a big deal about how cute the coat was and such. She ahd the other employees followed them around to keep them from walking out with anything else.

I've asked a couple times for people to tail possilbe shoplifters and they don't even try! Plus it's our slow season and that means people are getting sent home or their hours are getting cut. It's a turn-based system. If I get cut tonight, then someone else gets cut tomorrow. One of our girls is refusing to go home when someone has to and also coming in early for her shift. OUr new assitant (who I cannot make myself like) let her stya when she came in early and made me leave. WTF?!! I need hours too! Stingy beeeotches!

Your Resale Whore,
Ginger

Customer Reject

No french fries tonight.

Message For Retail Hell Spawn's Parents

Hello, Depot Demon here, with my first real rant.

At the Depot we use large, heavy machines on a daily basis, during customer hours, for customers..mostly. We have signs posted at the entrances and every half-hour or so the auto-announcer says to watch for the equipment. Not to mention that every single machine has a alarm/buzzer while moving, oh and they are bright depot orange and fire-engine red, you can't miss them.

Why do parents let their kids run around the store like it's their own fucking jungle-gym?! I've personally never hit one of the spawn, but each associate who drives has had one fly out of one of the racks or run across the gates blocking the aisle, and the best part is all we can do is glare at the parents, because we can't tell them to watch their kid or get a fucking leash for them.

We can't forget about the spawn, I mean children, who think it's ok to climb 8-10 feet in the air on the racks above a concrete floor.

If you ask the parents to please stop the kid, you get the "Don't tell me how to raise my kid!

You're obviously not a parent or you'd understand" or if you tell the child to stop, you get one of two, sometimes both, responses "You're not my mom! You can't tell me what to do!" (while sticking out their tongue, the childhood equivalent of giving the finger, or them actually giving you the finger) or the spawn tells their mom and you get the same response as if you asked the parents, but this time you get the manager called on you because you were mean to the kid.

So please, spawn raisers, keep your spawn near you, we don't want to clean up the spawn-pancake that's bound to happen.

Till next time, retail sluts.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Here's to you Retail Slaves! Go out and burn some Retail Hell drama off with a cold one!