Retail Hell Underground

Sale Desperation in Beverly Hills

More hard times in Beverly Hills - believe it or not this is a block away from Chanel, Gucci, and Neiman's.

Dumbass Fast Food Customers

Burger Bitch here.

Rant time?
I think so.

First.
I walk to work and back everyday.
This is just a little message to you drivers out there.

When Buddy is lit up instead of the red hand.
It means that IGETTOCROSSTHEROAD.
It does /not/ mean that you get to drive.
At all.
Whatsoever.
So pay attention.
Yes, I am talking to Ms. Bitch Jetta Driver who almost hit me earlier.
D<

And now.
To the Burger Bitching.

Why can't people understand the simplest concepts?
.___.

Customer: And Coke to drink.
Me: Is Pepsi alright?
Customer: ... You don't have Coke? D8<
What I'm thinking: Dumbass, if we have Pepsi, it means we don't have Coke.
Me: No, we only have Pepsi.
Customer: ... So.. No Coke?
Me: .____.

At my workplace. You can get three things in a combo.
Whether it be the normal Burger, drink and a side.
Or a burger and two drinks.

However, if you want a poutine (If you're not Canadian. You'll have to look up "Poutine")
It's $3.49, in a combo as a side, it's $1.25.

Customer: Hi. I just want a poutine in a combo.
Me: ... What?
Customer: I want a poutine in a combo.
Me: Alright. In which combo?
Customer: I just want the poutine in a combo.
Me: thatdoesn'tmakesense xD
Customer: -Sighs- I want /just/ a poutine in a combo.
Me: Then it isn't a combo. Do you just want the poutine?
Customer: Yes. But I want to pay $1.25.
Me: You can't.
Customer: Why not?
What I'm thinking: Because you're a cock-knuckle.
Me: It's not in a combo. And therefore, you have to pay the regular price.

The restaurant is located right across the street from a high school.
So, we get a lot of stupid kids and kids with the munchies.

Today, it was just a dumb kid.

Kid: Uuh. Is it like... Free Burger Day or something?
Supervisor: -LOL's in the background-
Me: ... No. No it is not.
Kid: Oh...
Supervisor: -Is still LOLing-
Me: ._______.'

Lastly.
Customers that try to get free things.

Customer: These fries are disgustingly salty! DDD<
Me: Did you put salt on them?
Customer: No!
Me: That's funny. Because our fries are unsalted.
Customer: OBVIOUSLY NOT.
Me: -Grabs a bag of fries from the freezer-
-Points to label that clearly states "Unsalted Potato Wedges"-
Customer: -Storms out-

Until the next rant,
Burger Bitch.

Customer Reject

Sent in from: Colleen in Pennsylvania:
"At Petco, product goes everywhere, and apparently, so does hardware.  I'm not even sure how or why the customer took that peg down, because it wasn't broken."

Moronic Home Improvement Store Customers

Sent in from Home Improvement Whore in Alabama:

Swear to God, I don't know what gives customers their entitlement complexes, or their idiocy. Maybe they weren't loved enough when they were little. Maybe their mommies were retail slaves and were never home, thus driving them to take out their rage on the slaves of today.

I work at the OTHER massive home improvement store, although I'm a wimpy cashier, rather than a hardcore lumber-loader. ;-) I sling the occasional bag of topsoil or concrete, though. But I had a guy the other day that seriously made me wonder what kind of women he's used to. I was hopping back and forth from our tall ladders to the racks of display lamps to change burned-out bulbs, and I overheard a man saying to one of the managers who was nearby, "Shouldn't you get a boy to do that? That looks dangerous!" For one thing, I'm a lot lighter than a lot of our male employees, and can shimmy among the lights easier than them. And I guess it's ok if a guy falls and busts his head, but not a girl. My manager said that I was perfectly capable of doing my job, which I appreciated. :thumbs up:

I often work returns, which drives me fucknuts on occasion. I despise customers who obviously stole shit and bring it back, but I can't do anything about it without proof, unless the loss prevention manager is actually on top of it and puts their license in the system so it rejects returns without receipts.

A week or so ago, I was working in Lawn and Garden, which also takes returns, and I had a lady ask me about replacing a plant she'd bought a year or so ago that had died. We have a one-year guarantee on our plants, so I told her that yes, we could replace it/refund it if she would bring it back. She gave me this bewildered look and said, "But it's in the ground!" Stupid bitch actually expects us to replace a plant without ever seeing it? Be a good way to stock your garden for free. I ended up explaining to to her like she was a dumb 5 year old, asking her if she would ask to get a new vacuum if hers broke without bringing it back. That made her get it, amazingly.

Then 2 days ago, I had this evil bitch who was bringing back a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff, all on separate receipts. That doesn't matter usually, you can scan all the merch and all the receipts and the system will give the money back in whatever tender you paid with. But this bitch INSISTED I do each receipt separately. I explained how the system works to her, and she snapped, "Well, I just want to do it my way." Uh, do you see a BK sign anywhere, lady? Fine, let's take 20 minutes to do your return which could have taken 5. She returned some sod, and the L&G lady asked me if there was anything wrong with it. Apparently, the same bitch had called a couple days before to get the sod, and expected us to set aside 75 squares of sod for her to pick up eventually. Garden Lady told her if she would pay for it over the phone, of course she would set it aside for her, but that was the only way. Bitch huffed and whined and paid up, then said, "You'd better pick out good ones, or I'll be back." Oh, the terror. If you want good ones, pick 'em out your damn self. I told Garden Lady she should have pissed on the sod before she gave it to her.

You know, this is my first retail job, and I've had it for over a year now. I'll be glad when I'm done with uni and can get a real job with regular hours.

Retail Wordage

From Spritzy: Compliance Training(noun)

Trivial and absurdly redundant paperwork forced upon all Retail Slaves at regular intervals to both further impede their productivity by wasting time being taught for the third time things that they already know and to remind them how stupid corporate thinks they are.

From Tina: Manager(me)

A last resort customers use to get their way. Making the poor service desk cashiers cry, with the lack of observing retail rules 101.

"Oh, you don't have a receipt or a box, sorry we cant return that, now get the FUCK out my store!!!"

From Triple Fucking M: Goback

A goback is any piece of merchandise that, for whatever reason, ends up at the front end or the return counter, and has to "go back " to it's home location. Example: "Our sale ended yesterday,  so at the end of the night we had a lot of gobacks."

MY DEFINITION: Goback is what you wish the Piggy Customers would do.

Example: "I wish these piggy customers would GOBACK under the rocks the came from.

From Freddy: Slammed

Beyond busy - when customers surround us like natives eager to preform a head-shrinking. Being slammed often times happens when we are at the counter by ourselves and almost always occurs at the same time the phone starts to ring - which makes us want to slam our heads into the register.

Example: "Having been slammed all day long, the only thing on my mind when I left the store was to hit the nearest bar and get hammered."

If you've got some retail wordage, send it to us with your definition and example! submit@retailhellunderground.com

Customer Reject

Depot Demon sent a sampling of the kind of Customer Rejects she has to deal with on a daily basis - lazy-asses dumping wood where it doesn't belong. That's some serious Retail Hell Piggy Custy clean up.

Customer Bully

Best Retail Sign Ever

Kerry spotted this at at tattoo shop. That's right parents - take heed! We WILL put those kids to work cleaning out the fitting rooms!

Inventive Sinage

When you need a strawberry sign, you do what you gotta do!

Customer Reject

We can only pray to the retail Gods this was not anywhere near a fitting room.

Urban Dictionary Retail Definitions

Regan did a little "Retail" research on our favorite website Urban Dictionary, and this is what she found:

Words we all know....but may not know the TRUE definition of...

Retail:

One of the shittiest profession...One that causes much depression, psychosis, anger, jealousy, frustration, and anxiety. It is extremely degrading. They never pay people what they are work; the workers have to deal with a bunch of crap while getting paid peanuts.

UD examples:

I had to go to therapy after working in retail for a decade.

People treat me like I'm stupid because I work in retail.

I work at a retail job where people don't get raises, but instead there's a shitty "Employee of the Month" reward.

I work in retail; therefore, I cannot afford to pay back my student loans or take nice vacations.

Regan's example: Yes, I work in retail...Shut the fuck up.

Customer:

An incredibly stupid person. Therese people are often found in department and grocery stores and show no signs of common sense. Many times they can be rude, cruel, and obnoxious.

UD example: This store has too many horrible customers ruining our job.

Regan's example: Freddy...can you go tell that customer that our waste baskets are not for pissing in? Thanks a bunch.

Shopping:

Going to a large chain store (Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, ect...) and filling a cart with as much crap as possible, only to abandon it somewhere in the store.

UD example: Hey dude! I went shopping at Wal-Mart today. Somebody's gonna be doin their job today.

Regan's example: Hey, let's go grocery shopping, they don't mind finding random shit on shelves and having to sort through it all at the end of the day.

Manager:

A sadistic prick who suffers from the delusion that they are a "businessman" or "business woman" with a busy career when in reality they are just another back liner who got promoted via strategic ass-kissing. Loves to treat everyone below them like crap, then complains to their friends that their busy "career" is just so stressful.

UD example: Me: *works ass off in 120 degree heat in kitchen*
Manager You're gonna have to fill in for the deep fryer today. Do u know how to do it?
Me: no I-
Manager: WHY THE HELL NOT??????? ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR!!!!

Regan's example: I'm just an employee...ya know, no biggie...I only do all the work so that my manager can get all the fucking credit.

Employee:

A slave with a paycheck.

UD example: I am an employee of my boss.

Regan's example: I'm just an employee...ya know, no biggie...I only do all the work so that my manager can get all the fucking credit. (yes, I repeated it on purpose)

Associate:

What a company call their cheap-labored employees to make them feel like they are important when in fact they don't mean shit to them because they have no power at all.

UD example: I can' believe that the largest company in the world still calls their $7 slaves "associates"...like they have something to do with the company's management.

Regan's example: We just hired a new associate. Now we have someone to give the bitch work to. Sweet.

Return:

An act of taking merchandise usually stolen back to the store it came from in exchange for a gift card.

UD example: You can only do so many returns in a sixty day period at Wal-Mart on the same driver license number. Go get a state ID card and were back in business.

Regan's example: Yes, I'd like to return Wii, and all these fantastic games with it. No, I don't have the receipt. My chinchilla ate it.

Shoplifter:

Winona Ryder.

UD example:UD example: Since the young man was caught Winona Rydering, he was banned from the store.

Regan's example: That smelly old skany fat bitch tried pulling a Wynona on me today!

Retail Therapy:

Intensive shopping for nothing in paticular that can lead to large credit card bills and inevetibaly immense debt or los or property.

UD example: My girlfreind went for some retail therapy the other day because her best mate called her fat and now we have a $3,000 credit card bill and can't apy our mortgage.

Regan's example: When rich bitchy desperate housewives don't get pootang for a whole day from their pool boys they have to go for some retail therapy at Gucci and Prada and spend their husband's well earned dough.

Retail Therapy is also and awesome blog and you should all be checking it out!

One that I hadn't heart before:

Promoted to Customer

Slang amoung retail workers for being fired.

UD example: You are about to be promotoed to customer.

Regan's example: I wouldn't mind being promoted to customer. Then I could fucking trash the place too!

Last but not least...

Quit

What you really want to tell your boss.

UD example: No I don't have that report ready but I did want to tell you, I quit

Regan's example: In a Retail Hell worker's mind, quit is the sweetest word in the English vocabulary.

Now it's your turn Slaves - pick a retail word and make up your sentence in comments!

Plant Funk Sale We Love

Carolanne spotted this awesome sale banner while shopping at Planet Funk. Oh yeah!

Tax Challenged Customer

Thank God for days off... I love today! But yesterday, this older couple was in my line and very idiotic.

I had hit "total" on the register after scanning just this lady's picture frame, because she said she could pay for it separate... she said that BEFORE they told me to just keep ringing everything else up together.

The next conversation goes somewhat like this...

Old lady: That picture frame is 3 dollars, why does it say 3.22? Is that with tax?

Me: Yes, it is with tax, but I'll keep scanning everything for you. I just hit the "total" button because I thought you were buying the frame first.

Old man: But why does it say 3.22? The photo frame is 3 dollars.

Me: Yes, it is 3 dollars, but with tax it is 3.22. And like I said, I hit total beforehand!

Old man: But you're double taxing me if you ring everything else up, the tax will be doubled in the end!

Me: No, it won't. It does not matter that it says 3.22, it will be the same.

Old man: No it won't be the same! It will be doubled at the end!

Me: *sigh* Let me get my manager, hang on...

*Manager comes over*

Old man: She is double taxing us, the picture frame is 3 dollars but it says 3.22 and if she rings everything else up with it it will be doubled!

Manager: Oh, no it won't be, the tax is the same no matter what, it won't be doubled. The machine just thinks that it's done because she hit total before everything else, it won't be doubled, the tax is always the same.

Old man: SO we won't be double taxed?

Manager: No, you won't be.

Old man: Ok, thank you.

Old man, to me, before he leaves: I'm sorry.

Me: ............ Have a good day.........

I swear... do these people NOT know ANYTHING about how tax works????

Retail Hell Register Fun

Regan had it a little fun with the registers on the last day of her store closing...

Susan Boyle - Inspiration For Us All

If you haven't already seen this video - take note. You might be stuck in Retail Hell, but remember, it's never too late to go for your dreams. You never know what will happen:

Susan Boyle Singer Britains Got Talent 2009 With Lyrics @ Yahoo! Video

Customer Reject

Wal-Mart Custy Reject sent in by iamtheRiot in Texas. Bag of chicken strips and tube of hamburger tossed into the Coke fridge. At least they didnt' throw it on the floor.

Shopping Cart Amnesia

Lost with no name? Can anyone help?

Fast Food Rant Time From Burger Bitch

My first fast Food rant.
Yeeeey.
-Is excited-

Alright, these are events from the past two days.

Thursday, I worked through the High School lunch hour. Grrrreat.
To top it off, it was the High School I attended until I switched to Independent Study.

So, the rush came in.
Me: What would you like on your cheeseburger?
Some Douche: You, baby.
Me: No.

Some Douche: Eh, you’re ugly anyways.
Me: That’s a new one, now choose or leave.

Today wasn’t that bad, for the first half anyways.
It was Zombie Jesus Day, or whatever.
So we were busy, but steady.

Then we got the stupid people.
.____.

First:
Customer: I’d just like everything on my burger, including all of the condiments.

Me: Alright. –Starts putting mayo on-
Customer: I DIDN’T ASK FOR MAYO.
Me: You said everything?
Customer: WELL I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS MAYO.

Me: You said all the condiments?
Customer: Well, I’ll eat it anyways, I guess.

Second:

Teenage Girl: And some Mustard.
Me: Hokai. –Starts putting on mustard-
Teenage Girl: I DON’T WANT MUSTARD. WHY WOULD YOU PUT MUSTARD ON MY BURGER.
Me:  -Eyeroll-

Third:

Barbie and Ken Couple: -Makes out-
Me: What would you like on your veggie burger?
Barbie and Ken Couple: -Continues to make out-
Me: -Sigh- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ON YOUR VEGGIE BURGER?

Of course his girlfriend didn’t get anything, she was probably anorexic.

Fourth:

Customer: Uuhm, can you get another bowl of tomatoes? =/

Those ones aren’t red.

Tomatoes: -Are red-

Me: Uuuh. I can’t. We can’t just waste this full bowl of tomatoes and open another one.

Customer: I /want/ another bowl of tomatoes.
So, I opened up a brand new bowl of Tomatoes.
What does she get on her burger?
Just mustard.

The last thing.
It slowed down at about twenty minutes left of my shift.
So I was chatting with my supervisor.
(I was lucky enough to get a job where the management is awesome.

My manager gave me two days off so I could get my tattoo, I didn’t even ask for the days off.)

Supervisor: So, I hear you’re getting your first tattoo? O:
What’s it going to be?

Me: A line from my favourite movie/comic book C:

Supervisor: OOOO:
What would that be? And what line?

Me: The Crow, “It can’t rain all the time.”

Eavesdropping Customer:  Tattoos are for idiots. For drop outs.

I want over five (Large) tattoos.
I have a 96% average.

.___.

Sincerely,
The Almighty Garnishing Burger Bitch

Peeps Revenge

Things To Buy With Your Big Tax Refund

Or maybe not....

How about one of these?

 

Or maybe you need this: