Retail Hell Underground

Sale Sign Telling The Truth

Inventive Sale Signs

Handbag Hell

Hey Slaves! Freddy here...

Look at that fucking handbag mess...will ya! It's exactly the kind of shit I had to put up with during my many years as a sales associate...handbags mauled and thrown every which way with their paper innards ripped out.

I'm happy to announce, my retailicious, funny memoir is being published! Oh HELL YEAH! It's all about my unbelievable life selling handbags at a high end department store and those crazy, nutty customers. The title is Retail Hell and it will be in stores at the end of August. I will have more for you on that soon - including my real name - and what my mug looks like under the mask.
 
I'll have a new blog for the book, but I'm not going anywhere as Freddy on the underground. Jason and Carolanne don't want you to know this, but I'm the real boss around here - the Retail Hell Cryptkeeper!

Retail Hell and WOTs

Hi Retail Slaves...Jason here.  Every now and then...I will be releasing my FLATULENT thoughts here on the Underground - they will be on putrid, stinky, gagging subjects pertaining to the experiences I've suffered through in my LONG YEARS of Retail HELL!

Releasing pent up rotten air from your body that could kill all life forms within a 20 foot radius is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY DOCTORS! Especially if your noxious butt-dusting thought is attached to it. FIRE IN THE HOLE!

My ass blaster thought for Today: WOT

Some of you are probably asking what the F#@* is a WOT? Is that a candy gum drop? A new reality show about white teenagers on the Hawaiian island of Oahu? Is it a new constipation medication. Or maybe WOT is texting for Woman On Top or Want Orgasm Tonight...   No, no, no, no, Retail Slaves, WOT is none of that. 

WOT stands for...  WASTE OF TIME!  And in Retail Hell, WOT'S are everywhere...ready to waist your good customer service intentions like a fly feasting on dog shit!

WOT's are those Customer bitches who comes into your store and act like they are as rich as Bill Gates and Oprah and they put on this Broadway show about how excited they are to buy everything. Then after hours of bloodsucking your energy, they don't buy ONE DAMN THING! 

I'm a sales associate on commission at my Retail Hell store. and I will spend 20 minutes to an hour explaining the product - from head to asshole, fondling it like a horny teenage, modeling it like a slut, taking them on a tour of the whole f-ing store - I do my selling job! I find my Custys what they need!

I hate it when WOT's get all excited and pretend to be very, very, very interested, flirting and laughing, asking 500 questions and acting like they want to have my babies. Yes, yes, yes, they say, I'll take it! I'll take everything!

Then they crack their twenty foot whip and have me gather up everything for them and haul it to the counter to be rung up. After stuffing the shopping cart with my BLOOD, SWEAT and TEARS....I send them on their merry way....with my personal BUSINESS CARD and a LARGE COMMISSION SMILE.... I put in the HARD WORK...THE TIME. I SHOULD REAP THE REWARD!!!! CHA---CHING!

But fuck no...15-20 Minutes Later....

I get a call from the checkout. The WOT bitch decides to pass on everything I pulled out of my ass. And to top it off....later, I'm going to the bathroom to take a piss and what do I find on the floor.....my motherfucking BUSINESS CARD!

WOT Bitch!

 END RESULT on being raped by a WOT:

* You passed on a lot of other customers for the risky...BIG SALE! (your co-workers rocked!!!)

* The TIME YOU SPENT was a waste to the company, your ENERGY,  your sanity, AND YOUR PAYCHECK!

* YOU are labeled going forward  in your Dept. (and maybe your store) as a  Sales Associate  FOOL who can't sell shit and get's written up with warnings!

* This incident can more than likely.....COST YOU "YOUR JOB" (Unfriendly chat with your manager or boss) - OR- a bad case of  FARTING WOT- A- RAMA  CRAMPING !

I encourage you Retail Fans and Bloggers to leave your own INTESTINAL comments about your own poop shooter subjects...If any of you are feeling those symptoms of PRESSURE, BLOATING and DISCOMFORT known as GAS...Be like JASON and FART them off your MIND right here! Give me something to TOOT about. FIRE IN THE HOLE!

**HAS A WOT EVER CRAWLED UP YOUR HOLE and left a farting gift? **

Best Customer Reject Ever

Even if we wanted to stage a customer reject, it would have not turned out this good. Sent in by Spritzy - she said, "I guess someone realized that salt snacks only result in serious water retention."

Lame Memorial Day Sale Signs

Seriously, that's like saving ten cents in this store...so lame.

And this store sells SHOES:

Today's Sale

Shopping Cart Enjoying Memorial Day Barbecue

Wal-Mart Gets Told: By Green Day

Here at RHU, we are HUGE Green Day fans. We go to their concerts, listen to their albums, wear their t-shirts, and want to have Billie Joe's babies...okay, so we're kidding about the babies - Jason had his tubes tied anyway, but Green Day's music really inspires us on many levels, often echoing the emotions and feelings we have for retail slavery.

If you're a Green Day fan, check this retail war story out:

Last week the band released their awesome new album called 21st Century Breakdown.

Apparently it wasn't awesome to everyone - the powers that be at Wal-Mart were not pleased with what they heard. They demanded that Green Day make them a special "clean" version with some language and content edited out.

WTF? What centuy are we living in? Can't they just put a parental sticker on it if they are worried about the children? What's really scary about this is, Wal-Mart is now selling edited versions of albums by Eminem, Pink, and Jamine Foxx! All of these artists copped to the clean up demands and changed their work.

But not Green Day. They told Wal-Mart to go fuck themselves - We're not changing shit motherfuckers!

That's not a direct quote, but we wouldn't be surprised if that was their initial reaction.

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong did say, "Wal-Mart's become the biggest retail outlet in the country, but they won't carry our record because they wanted us to censor it. They want artists to censor their records in order to be carried in there. We just said no. We've never done it before. You like you're in 1953 or something."

You said it Billie Joe, more often than not, our Retail Slavery salaries and work expectations feel like 1953!

He went on to say: "If you think about bands that are struggling or smaller than Green Day...to think that to get your record out in places like that, but they won't carry it because of the content and you have to censor yourself. I mean, what does that say to a young kid who's trying to speak his mind making a record for the first time? It's like a game that you have to play."

Yes, we know all about retail games - no raises, sketchy healthcare, shitty schedules, and the constant threat of being fired for sneezing the wrong way.

Mike Dirnt, Green Day's bassist added: "As the biggest record store in America (Wal-Mart) should probably have an obligation to sell people the correct art."

Yes, they should! And Wal-Mart's Retail Slaves deserve to buy 21st. Century Breakdown with their employee discount!

Despite Wal-Mart's Big Brother-like attempt to edit Green Day using their buying-power muscle, they were the ones who lost out this time around. 21st Century Breakdown opened at number ONE on the charts. Looks like everyone went elsewhere to buy it. You go boys!!! - Goliath 0, David 1.

Shopping Carts In Bondage

Pic by Regan. What the hell are they doing to those carts and why?

Customer Reject

At least they didn't dump it with the roasted chickens.

How To Annoy the Technical Support Center

Some of us deal with customers as well as idiots from our own companies.

Here is list from Lisa of her coworker's main gripes:

Enjoy -- JohnnyBob

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When the support person says he's going to fix the problem and will have to call you back, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when he calls you back and then call back angry that the resolution left on the answering machine did not fix the problem.

When you call, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your software because your computer won't power on at all.

When support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call support. There's electronics in it.

When a support person tells you that the return was never sent, argue. We love a good argument.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. Be sure to tell us how easily you could do this last year with your old printer.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

When calling to check a return be sure to tell us just the name and do not have the SSN readily available because we only have 26,000 customers with millions of returns that pass through our servers.

Please email us your return so that we may complete it for you. We have nothing better to do on April 10th.

If the email does not work DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT check to see if you are connected to the internet. Because email has no affiliation with the internet connections.

When transmitting your returns to us be sure to send them from every computer in your office to facilitate speed and accuracy.

We understand that once you touch the computer keyboard you are instantaneously awarded Summa Cum Laude for networking.

When you place a CD into the cup holder don’t bother checking to see if there’s coffee already there.

Please, scream into the phone. We are testing our ability to withstand multi-decibel ranges in sound.

Don’t forget to call us every nasty name you can think of. Part of our evaluation includes counting the number of animal names our clients are able to utilize. 

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE....

Most Awesome Cash Register Ever

From a bar in San Francisco called Tornado. Will it looks cool, it might suck to operate. There doesn't appear to be a scan gun or computer screen. However every cash register should most definitely have a "Kiss My Fat Ass," sticker!

Bullshit Retail Propaganda

The Customer is Always Right!

If we were doing a top ten list of all time Bullshit Retail Propaganda, this one would probably be number one!

Because of it's historical saturation into our retail culture, troublesome Custys love to shove this line down our throats when they aren't getting their shenanigan way.

They sarcastically spew, "but I am the customer! The customer is always right!"

XXXX -incorrect answer! You lose! Got to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass Go and collect $200.

These Custy Righters are anything but right, they are usually mean, stupid, ignorant, fire-breathing ego monsters from the bowels of hell with horns sticking out of their head, laser-killing eyes, razor sharp fangs and black fingernails covered in blood reaching out to suck the fucking life right out of you. Total Retail Hell horror movie.

"The Customer is always right" = "Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy are real," "Big Foot is alive and well and living in the Hollywood Hills," and "Paris Hilton is an artist."

We think an update is in order - something like: "The customer is always a dumb-ass," or "The customer is always a fucking bitch (or asshole)" or maybe "The customer is always a dirty, lying douchebaguette."

If you need to shake off that "Customer is always right" retail bullshit propaganda, we suggest checking one of our favorite blogs you've seen here on our sidebar - (The Customer) Is Not Always Right! These service industry stories validate the truth:

More often than not, custys are wrong!

Wrong as ass.

Earthquake in L.A.?

Naw...just another Sunday afternoon in Retail Hell...

 

Shopping Carts Making Out

Forbidden Love.

The Gauntlet of Customer Rejects

Marshalls has a clever idea to create line control using fixtures of merchandise they hope will entice custys to buy more. Unfortunately they just reject more - leaving more for the Marshalls slaves to put away. Bulldozer anyone?

Retail Hell Short

From Myspacer Retail Slave Amor Vincit Omnia:

Today at work I caught some 8-year old little shits having a sword fight with some machetes we sell at work. Where were their parents you ask? Standing nearby trying to figure out how to read our English sale signs.

Do you have a Retail Hell Short? Send it to us! submit@retailhellunderground.com

Barbe-Q Mannequin Controversy

Leave it to a mannequin to make people hungry and then upset a community.

What the hell? Come on people - Barbe-Q wasn't naked! She had on a bikini top - geesh! Give the girl a break. And that ugly gray shirt has to go. Let her show off her knockers. Most mannequins are not so stacked!

Leave Kenny and Barbe-Q alone!

Jason, also a lover of mannequins, applauds Kenny's tenacity.

The mannequin love of Jason's life - Mandy - doesn't seem quite as thrilled.

She's keeping her poker face on. Perhaps waiting to see what happens. Mannequins are known to be quite jealous.

Customer Reject

One way to get out of cleaning the toilet is to "accidentally" forget the Comet.