Retail Hell Underground

Video Store Retail Hell

I'm a closing manager for a video store.  That means, my work day generally starts at about 5pm, give or take, and is heavily supported by the coffee shop in our shopping complex.  I arrive at work while the rest of the world is going home from it.

 

Then you come in, Mr. High and Mighty omnipotent ruler of customer service workers.  You stumble through the door, being dragged by your 6.4 screaming children, and my employee and I know you're coming by the tell-tale "chirp chirp!" of the car alarm on your Suburban.  Your children scramble like so many field mice, spreading their numbers evenly across our video games, candy, and Family film sections.

 

You make your way to the New Release Wall. You stare, dumbfounded for a moment at a spot reserved for the movie you were looking for.  A spot that has been empty since that particular movie came out on Tuesday.  It's Wednesday night.  Where is your movie?!

 

The look on your face as you storm up to the register area speaks volumes to my fellow employee and myself.  We already know what you're about to ask. 

 

"WHY IS THIS MOVIE NOT ON THE SHELF!?!!" you bellow needlessly.  We can hear you.  The store has fantastic acoustics.

 

"That one has been all checked out since it came out yesterday, sir." I inform you.

 

"Did you check the drop box for it?"  You ask, the smug look on your face suggesting that I have no earthly idea where the drop box even IS.

 

"My coworker just emptied it," I reply, pointing to the stack of movies he or she is currently scanning in, "Unfortunately, no one has brought that one back yet.  I'll let you know if I see one, though!"

 

I smile at you.  Your nostrils flare.

"Check. The. Box. Again!"  You demand.

 

I open the door to the drop box cabinet so that you can see for yourself that it is completely empty.  Meanwhile, your kids have completely destroyed my video games section by tossing all of the cover boxes onto the floor, and the rest of them have set up camp in the candy aisle and are using it as their personal buffet.

 

Your wrath growing ever hotter, you decide that we do indeed have several copies of the movie you're looking for stashed somewhere underneath the counters, and/or on our persons.  You stand there staring at me, as if pulling a copy of any movie title thrown my way out of thin air is a part of my performance repertoire.  I stare back.  Because, well...Your shit aint here, dude.

 

Finally, your precious little hellspawn decide on a game.  They inevitably bring me the wrong box, so I have to send them back out to the shelf to get the right one, You discretely yank the Push Pop that another one has opened and is happily drooling on out of its gaping maw, and you put it back onto the display.  My co-worker will find it after we've closed that night and swear off restocking candy forever.

 

Your kids come back with the right game box, and perhaps you even allow the others to rent a movie they're whining to you for.  You pay grudgingly after complaining first about the price, and then mentioning how you should really be getting it all for free since we didn't have the movie you were looking for.  I smile genially, and I tell you that I wish I could do that for you.  Though really, what I wish I could do for you involves a whole lot more cursing and my foot up your ass.

 

You wrangle up your gaggle of pre-adolescent demons, and you herd them into the parking lot and back into your car.  But not before you stop not one, but TWO other customers on their way into the store to ask them if they're returning the movie you were looking for!

Just as your ginormous gas-guzzling vehicle leaves the parking lot, there's a soft thud against the inside of the drop box.  My co-worker opens it to retrieve what was dropped.  And there, as though the gods of karma were smiling down upon us, is a solitary copy of the movie you wanted so badly. 

And do you know what I do with that movie, good sir?

I recommend it whole-heartedly to the very next customer I see.

Zoo Retail Hell

My name is Maria, and though you have not met me, you know me, just as you know every employee at a store that gives you that look you know so well, that makes you want to lean over and grab their shoulders and scream, "I AM NO CUSTY, I AM LIKE YOU!" 

I work at a zoo for a summer job in an undisclosed location in the USA. 

Not retail? I beg to differ. 

I worked at a ride for kids and their parents, or at a station selling feed for animals.

Screaming children every day, rain or shine, coffee or no coffee.  To add to that, it was the same CD we had to play for background music on the carousel with 16 4-minute songs that played for the entirety of an eight-hour shift. You heard that music when you got home, when you were driving, even while you slept.

I half awoke most nights seeing a line of people on the side of my bed, yelling at them to get the fuck out of my room, it was 3 am and the ride wasn't open yet. 

I can deal with that. I can deal with terrible customers, rude adults, bratty children, the pounding need to get my tubes tied lest I breed one of those hellspawn; it was simple as long as I had wonderful coworkers. 

For the most part I did.

Except one.

This coworker was hell. 

I am an ambitious, devoted worker who loves the bosses I had and truly enjoyed working for a company with the message a zoo has, and I take my job to heart. This coworker was a stoned-out slacker who showed up for shifts two to three hours late consistently, left early, took 1-2 hour breaks at a time (we're allowed 2 15-minute breaks and a half hour for lunch).  Usually there was a stench of pot about this loathsome creature who almost never actually worked even when present and accounted for. 

One day, this coworker didn't show up until a hour from the end of my shift, the opening shift.  They brought moral to an all-time low when present and constantly barraged the helpless managers with shirking and complaints.

When Crappy Coworker finally quit, it was too happy a surprise.  

It just goes to show how important coworkers can be to a working environment.

My dear friend who worked at a similar attraction was a true Retail Whore. She was either stationed in the large shop or at one of the three or four other small satellite stores scattered about her park. 

Her management was a group of sadistic morons who knew nothing about sales, motivation, compassion, or other things you need to house a soul. 

The biggest example of this was that in the dead heat of the summer, the management decided to remove stools from the satellite stores. This meant that all employees had to stand for at least four to five hours straight on their shifts, waiting between breaks.

The rational?

That stools made the employees look "bored" and "unapproachable". 

Management bullshit. 

My friend developed chronic back and leg pains so bad that she had to take pain pills to work.

But instead of keeping it to herself, she took every god-given chance to complain to every manager that came her way and got all her coworkers to do the same.

A memo to HR was drafted telling them that she, and her coworkers would go to the state department of labor unless they did something, but before she had a chance to send it out, what should happen but the management "decides to graciously return the stools" with a list a mile long about "regulations" for the stools. 

Bullshit, the employees led a peaceful but threatening uprising and you caved.

Vive la resistance.

Shopping Cart Facing Obstacles

"Fuck this shit, I'm outta here"

Picky Bitch Encounter

Dear RHU,

I work as a butcher for a local Grocery Chain. One Monday evening, a woman approaches my counter asking if I had more of the sirloin steaks I have on sale for the week. I tell her i have none already cut but I would gladly cut her some. She agrees so I cut her a 1 inch steak showed it to her asking if this was OK, her reply:

"That's not right there's too much fat, it looks like garbage, are you sure that's sirloin?"

I replied: "Ma'am this is the sirloin." (for those who may not know Sirloin is a very lean but as with any meat there will be some fat).

So I told her I'd open a new one. I repeat the process and still she was unsatisfied promptly adding "I come from a family of butchers and that's not sirloin its way too fatty."

She then gestures to the All Natural Sirloin steaks I also carry adding, "Open one and let me see how it looks."

Again I cut a 1 inch steak and showed it to her. Still to no avail I couldn't please this woman.

Trying not to reach across my counter and choke the everliving hell out of her I said, "I'm sorry ma'am but I have no control over if there's fat in the meat or not."

To which she replies:"OK smartass, I want to speak to your manager because you're being very rude to me."

At this point I have other customers who are starting to get upset because this woman is wasting everyone's time. I tell her I'm the evening manager since I'm the only one there at night and have been there for 4 years.

She now has that you're-full-of-shit look on her face, so I call the store manager who is working that evening who happens to like me. He knows how hard I work for how little pay I make.

This woman starts bitching profusely, saying she knows the owner and how appalled she is to have such rude people serve her, to which he replies: "Really so do I, would you like me to call him for you so you can complain about us?"

Did that ever shut her mouth, then she says, "This is bullshit and I'm never shopping here again."

To which my manager replies: "I'm sorry you feel that way ma'am, but please don't get ass marks on my doors on the way out.

I don't think I'll be seeing her ever again

From a fellow Retail Slave,

Jekyll and Hyde

                                                                                                                                         

Customer Reject

Necessity trumps accessory.

Hungry Piggy Shopper

From ScottyRS:

So I sometimes work in the "demo hut" at the local unique grocery store.

Customers go bonkers for anything in a sample cup, it doesn't matter if is is sunflower seed butter and reduced sugar jam sandwich or Thai chicken strips. Samples are usually quite small, often because the warehouse shorts us on orders for featured items.

One slow evening, around 8:15, a obese middle age woman waddles over to the counter. She is wearing wildly mismatched shorts and blouse. Her stomach extended far out and jiggled as she moved. A real piece of work.

There were several cups of the aforementioned SSBJ sammies on a serving plate. The woman immediately asked me if I could open a jar of peanut butter for her, I politely but firmly said "no."

All the while she was grabbing the little sandwiches out of their cups ans stuffing them in her mouth. Other customers avoiding the samples because this revolting woman was blocking the entire counter.

A co-worker, a spry old man known as the "Dairy Troll," comes over to get his lunch and observes my exchange with this woman.

I finally ask her to not take anymore, then I have to slide the plate away from her.

My co-worker says "Wow she really likes those!" loud enough for her to her.

She finally relents and retreats to the nearby bathroom, presumably to take an enormous shit.

"She's going to be a while," the Dairy Troll says. "There's a lot stuck up there."

Just another day in the grocery game.

-ScottyRS

Burger Bitch's Customer Etiquette Lesson #1

What is this DOUCHEBAGGERY?

Alright, the topic I would like to discuss is Cell Phones.

Most people love them. Hell, I can't live without mine.

But for fucks sake, put them down every few seconds!

I was trying to take an order through Drive Thru yesterday.

Me: Hi, welcome to  -Hell- May I take your order please?
Dood: Well it needs to be 34 by 44.

Me: Uuuh.

Supervisor: ...?
Me: Hello?
Dood: Hold on a second!
Me:  =/

Dood: Anyways. It needs to be 34 by 44, otherwise it won't work.

I prefer to believe he was talking about penis extensions because his brand new Hummer clearly symbolized his small package.

There were cars behind him as well =/

This also happens a lot on Front Line when you're trying to garnish.

"On your burger?"

"One sec -Continues talking-"

Then they complain that their burger is cold.

Honestly, unless someone is dying, in labor or just got their dick cut off by a Russian Prostitute, I'm sure that phone call can wait.

(And yes, only Russian Prostitutes, they have the fur hats and that gives them priority.)

Oh, and the new kid is retarded and I think he might be a serial killer.

So, if my head is found in a dumpster somewhere, you'll know who it was.

Mannequins at Work

....making a mess.

Just don't let Lady Ga Ga see those glow sticks.

RHU Comment of the Week

Dumbass Coffee Customer Encounter

I was at the Lazy N, and was standing behind a customer at the E-bar, waiting to get a mocha. The customer initially ordered a tall latte. The barista marked up the cup and then said "$3.42 Please!"

The customer gawked and said HOW MUCH?

The barista repeated herself, and the customer counted her change, and the barista said "Would you rather have a smaller cup? It's less money?"

The customer stood there, clearly boggled, and wanted the prices repeated. So the barista obliges. Then the customer asked "Why are the prices different??"

The barista held up the cups and said 'well, one cup is bigger than the other, so...'

The customer then pointed to a cup and said "It's not fair there are different prices!!!" 

I wish you could see the look on the barista's face, I wanted to laugh, but I initially thought the customer was kidding.

(I think anyone who's worked with "the public" has shown that face before they developed their poker face a little better.)

When it was my turn, I told the barista I wanted a tall, but I wanted the universal price, she laughed and said "Nice Try!" I guess I go there too often??

Dianne Hansson

Dumbass Encounter

Hello All! 

Joe here. In the days before I was a Retail Slave, I was a building engineer. Yeah, I was one of those guys in an industrial blue uniform with my name embroidered in script over the left breast. I carried a two-way radio, a pager, various small tools and a key ring with about fifty keys on it. My co-workers and I were responsible for a six-building office park. We kept the lights burning, the water running, the air conditioning pumping. We froze our asses off shoveling snow in winter and risked heatstroke repairing rooftop cooling towers in summer. And we learned early on that the office workers regarded us as little better than trained chimpanzees. If they acknowledged us at all, it was usually to make a comment in passing like: "I bet that one can't even SPELL engineer!" or "I bet the training for his job is REAL extensive!" This was usually followed by laughter.

It should be mentioned that the office park was populated almost entirely by employees of a very well-known computer company. Most of them were involved with various aspects of air-traffic control. When they weren't talking smack about us, the conversation sounded like something out of Star Trek:

"Can we prioritize the x/y tolerances above thirty thousand feet?"

"LED's simply CANNOT give us the reliability of cathode tubes!"

"Dammit, Jim! I'm an aerospace engineer, not a BUREAUCRAT!"

We were a motley crew: three Haitians, one Dominican, one Jamaican, one Irish D.C. native (me), one Polish Ohioan and the boss was a 6'3", 300 lb. Italian from Pittsburgh. One day, the boss and I were repairing the electronics of a decorative outdoor water fountain. The fountains' processor was in a slightly below-ground vault and it attached to wind , temperature  and water pressure sensors. We were cleaning, re-calibrating and putting the processor through its' diagnostics mode when we became aware that we were not alone. Three twenty-something office workers were looking down at us. All three had a coffee cup in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

"Whatcha doing?" asked one.

The boss ignored him.

"Digging to China?" asked another.

The boss ignored him too.

"Hey, we're TALKING to you! Now what are you doing?" asked the third.

The boss got up, climbed out of the vault and stood looking down at the three pasty-faced geeks.

"It's TECHNICAL. You wouldn't understand." he said. 

Then he very calmly got back down into the vault.  

The three looked at each other and started to walk off.

"I'm gonna REPORT you!" said Number Three.

"Good luck with that." said the boss. 

Kerry's Fitting Room Nightmare Part 15: Scream

When Kerry walked into work, this is how she started her day.

The Piggy Shoppers were out in full force.

But she didn't SCREAM until she saw this...

CLICK HERE

Bloodsucker Attack at the Bullseye

This story is one that happened to me, just earlier TODAY!!

Bullseye HELL!!!

Victim/Me-Cashier at Target

The following happened while at work as a cashier-

*I am ringing up a guest and have many guests in line behind the current one. We are very busy..and of course it happened.

A fairly large women (I refuse to call her a "lady") comes up behind me and taps me on the shoulder.

Before I can ask how I can help her, she starts talking.

Her: "Where do you got Jonas Brothers stuff" (Keep in mind this was a middle-aged women, no doubt looking for a gift for her teeny-bopper daughter)

Me: "Well, you'll have to be more specific, like what exactly are you looking for?"

Her:"I dunno, just stuff. With The Jonas Brothers"

Me: "Well, in electronics we have DVDs, and CDs, in stationary we have folders with them on it, and I think in bedding section we have pillows and sheet sets, might any of that interest you?"

Her: "NO! I what else you got, where do you got it"

Me: "Well, we have no specified Jonas Brothers area, and I can't help you unless you can specify at least what type of item your looking for.

*all this WHILE i am still ringing up "GUESTS" All of them look just as exhausted as I do from answering inane questions. By this point I feel like I'm talking in circles to a 9-year old*

Customer: "So your saying you don't know what else?"

Me: "I'm not saying that I just need you to..."

*CUTTING ME OFF*

Customer: "Well, do you know anyone who DOES know what they are doing?"

This was actually a pointless question as she waddled away before I can answer her.

I swear, If there's anything I hate more than the Jonas Bros, it's idiotic "GUESTS" like her.

*Sigh* Another day another dollar

Retail Hell Promo By Jit and Spritzy

Forget gold rings with evil power, Jit and Spritzy found something of their own to call precious: My book! What else is there to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon, but make a Retail Hell Book video! They call it "Chicken Girl Promotes Retail Hell The Book." It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and I don't even need to chase it with Jack Daniels. I especially love Spritzy's portrayal of Gollum and Jit's Jamie Lee Curtis scream. Thanks girls!

And as an added bonus, enjoy a Retail Hell story from Jit and Spritzy below.

Jit's Picky Bitch Encounter

I call this encounter,

You Asked For It

It was a busy day. It was a REALLY busy day, I'd had a lot of witchy customers, and here comes another one. I bagged his stuff as he'd asked me to - he told me what bag to put EVERY item in - which was a pain in the butt, but I can understand that some people have had stupid cashiers in the past that bag the meat in with the toilet paper. Whatever. 

Finally, I give him his total. He paid in cash, and I gave him his change. In it, was a quarter, or what looked to be a quarter. He's obviously a nitpicky person so he counted his change back to himself after I counted it back to him, including his change. Then right as I'm about to ring up the next person in line, dismissing him, he stops me.

"Excuse me, could I have a different quarter?" 

"What?"

"I don't think this is a real quarter and I want to be able to spend it."

I take a look at the coin. Well, he was right, it wasn't a quarter. It was a Japanese coin worth much more than a quarter.

I looked at him and smiled a little. "Of course," I said, and opened my till to put the coin back in.

I switched it out and he said, "See, that wasn't a quarter."

"No, sir, you were right, it wasn't. It was a five-dollar Japanese coin. I'm sorry about that."

He gawked at me for a couple more seconds before I finally said, "Is there something wrong with your quarter?"

"Yeah, I want the other one back."

"But you asked for it." 

He left without another word.

Spritzy's Tale of Shoppy The Cart

And now for a story from Spritzy about one cart's poor choices...

The Bum and The Single's Ad

...Eight hours later, Shoppy The Cart woke up in a strange city on a dirty street corner.

He had no idea where he was and his head was pounding.

Quickly he checked his pockets only to find that he had been robbed. "Why, oh why, did I respond to that single's ad in the paper?"

He slowly righted himself and dusted off his child-seat.

"Sheez, I hope the other carts at the Store don't find out about this...I'll be a laughing stock"

His front right wheel wobbled awkwardly and he veered to the left. "Aw, damn, and the stupid bitch misaligned my wheels...my wife is gonna kill me."

He continued miserably down the street, he felt rusty and dirty, up ahead a disheveled old man eyed him up and down.

"You're just what I've been looking for!" said the Bum.

"Oh Hell." thought Shoppy.

"There's no way I'm getting out of this one"

The struggle was short lived and weak, Shoppy couldn't escape.

Before he knew it he was overloaded with old cat-food cans, smelly rags, and other unidentifiable bric-a-brac.

Succumbed to his fate, Shoppy lifelessly rolled along by the guidance of the destitute old man.

"All this...just be cause of a single's ad...goodbye Store...goodbye wife...I'm sorry"

Shoppy's tears began to stain the chrome of his basket as he and the bum moseyed down the street.

Shoppy had nothing but regret, regret for the bum and the single's ad.

The End.

Shopping Cart Gets Morning Wood

Impressive wood. Congrats to Doug Morrow for Naming This Cart.

Some runner ups:

When Good Carts Go Bad

caption: What retail hell has this cart seen that makes it so desperate it resorts to dry humping a tree???

 -- Fiona in New Zealand

Hobo Shopping Cart

caption: The hobo shopping cart was once a soldier in the great Retail Hell War of freedom, but now does little more than down bottle after bottle of cheap liquor, dreaming of its glory days.

-- Jennifer Brinkley

caption: What happens in Vegas shopping centers doesn't always stay in Vegas shopping centers.

-- Kimberly Michael

Shopping Cart Collides with Tree While Reading Paper

caption: Its horoscope predicted this very thing.

-- Michael

caption: "'Walk of Shame' gone horribly wrong."

--(The Original) M

Ice Scream Store Under Attack By Hell Spawn

Dear RHU,

I have been working at an ice cream franchise for a good year and a half and holy shit are people dumb asses.  

I just about snapped today. 

This lady came in with three children. The first child got her ice cream and was being a little greedy idiot by asking for a double scoop and sprinkles and all that junk.  Whatever.  Then, this little fucking ass clown hands me her  gum. 

SHE HANDED ME HER GUM. 

What the fuck?  Her mom took it though... Gross.

The second child asked for a sample of a flavor.. okay.  But the idiot first child who already had her ice cream asked for a sample too. I told her no, you already have your ice cream, I gave her one anyway since i didn't want to cause a scene or anything. 

All this is going on while the third child, who the mother was holding, has a box of sprinkles in her hands.. that box ended up in her mouth at one point.  Are you kidding me?  How do you NOT see that?  I grabbed it from the child and the mother apologized.  It isn't that bad but here is when my boss steps in.  

We have a special on soft serve ice cream 88 cents. When we first offered the soft serve, it was 88 cents for a 6 oz. serving, then we took the sign down and no one came in.  We put it back up offering 88 cents for THREE oz serving.  (The six oz. is 98 cents now... see were we rip you off?)  Well no one told me this. 

So I was serving these idiots and gave them their 88 cent soft serves.  The sprinkle thief child had her ice cream IN HER HANDS. 

Let me repeat that, SHE WAS HOLDING THE ICE CREAM.

My boss was like, is that the 88 cent ice cream?, which I said yes...  My boss then TAKES THE ICE CREAM FROM THE LITTLE GIRL, right out of her hands and begins to tell me that the size is too big. 

She weighs it (which wasn't accurate since the cone and the cup she dumped it in DO have a weight) and tells me to make my servings smaller... IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMER.  Honestly, I am not dumb and if you tell me to make them smaller I will.  I finished with the customer and yet another complaint from the boss.

Yesterday, she gave me a can of fudge with syrup in it, told me to mix it and put it in the fudge machine. Okay, thats what I did.  Today, she starts telling me it was too thick.  JUST ADD SYRUP and don't bother me.. I did exactly what you told me to do.

This happened before with cappuccino mix, but she called me on my DAY OFF.  Yeah, because there AREN'T starving children in Africa and strong cappuccino mix is the worst of your problems. Just add fucking milk and leave me alone.

We also have Tuesday night specials, which from 6-close you get a dollar kids scoop.  Again, TUESDAY night special.  Some asshole came in WEDNESDAY and asked to talk to the manager, she's not here so the lady just told me her problem.

"Hi, I know it's not Tuesday, but is it possible to get the dollar scoop today?"

"What?! No, that's only on Tuesdays."

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS my children are delirious from shopping all day and I just want to get them some ice cream"

Oh really?  DELIRIOUS from shopping all day. You have been shopping all day and can't cough up five dollars to get ice cream for your kids.

Then she asks: "Can I just buy a kids scoop and have a separate cup so i can split it for them?"

"Store policy is I have to charge 20 cents more."

They yelled at me some more and went to Mcdonalds. 

I laughed the whole time.. you started out with "I know its not TUESDAY but.."  If we  offered the special everyday it wouldn't be the Tuesday night special.  And what makes you and your stupid delirious kids more special to deserve the special anyway. 

Sincerely, Yazzy

District 9 Department Store Mannequin

Beauty = Dinner

Encounter With Dumbass Christian Customer

I have been working as a gas station cashier for over 6 years now at the station my uncle owns.  Working in customer service would be so great if it weren't for the customers. 

Anyway, my uncle is a hardcore Christian conservative Republican and I.... am not.  I can honestly say that I am the most liberal out of everybody who works at the family owned and operated gas station. 

Well, being a good Jesus worshiper, my uncle sells Christian books.  I get asked all the time, "are you a Christian?"  I consider myself non-practicing, but I swear to god, one day I am going to say I pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodly appendage. 

Anyway, here is an encounter with one of Jesus's People:

Customer, seeing the books we sell: "Oh, is the owner Christian?"

Me: "Uh... yeah."

Customer: "Oh, it must be nice knowing you work for a good person!"

Me, after blinking a few times: "Uh, you know... you CAN be a good person and NOT be Christian."

Customer: "Oh yeah, well... I guess so."

I desperately wanted to bring up the Crusades.

Keep up the awesomeness, yo.

The only good thing about working here, is that my uncle says we have every right to treat the customer like crap if they are complete morons or are total dickwads to us.. 

We keep our bathroom keys on old squeegee handles. The men's is labeled MEN on bright blue paper, the women's WOMEN on bright pink.  And we STILL get asked which key they take.  So I get a small thrill in saying, with a deadpan face, (because it's usually men who say it), "The blue one... that says MEN."

Julie Lane