Retail Hell Underground

Douchy Dumbass Newbie Gets Busted

From Walmart Bitch:

So we got a transfer from another state, she knows what she's doing ... and I liked her until today.

I was scheduled 9-6, went in at 7 because they didn't have an opener, there was another girl coming in at 9 and New Girl from 12-9.

I went on my lunch at 12:15 when she finally got her ass up there ...

When I came back from lunch, I find out from a front end manager that she doesn't feel well and can only work until 4, and how they have absolutely nobody else that can go in the money center from 4-9.

So we decide that I'm going to leave at 2, come back at 4 and stay until closing ... Around 5 I notice that there's 5 other associates working the front end that have been trained in the MC, and know what they're doing, but apparently the registers are too busy for them to be put in there.

So, it's a slow night, I'm getting ready to start closing at 8:30ish.
 
I closed the first register, and when I was coming back from handing the bag in, who do I see, but miss "I'm too sick to work more than 4 hours" shopping with her boyfriend/husband/slave/whatever ...

Now as much as I want to be replaced in there, so I can transfer out, I was pissed, so I went right over to my manager and told them ...

If you're going to leave early because you're sick, don't be stupid enough to come shopping that same night while the same people are working... omgggggg

Penny Hell at Best Buy

From Jit: 

Augh! My braiiiin.

I read this site called My Life Is Average

One of the posts: 

"Today, I went to Best Buy. As I was waiting in line, the guy in front of me went to buy a $20 gift card with 5 plastic bags full of pennies. After an argument with the cashier, the manager came to the register and told the cashier that he could not turn down a paying customer and forced the cashier to count every penny. I have a new favorite Best Buy. MLIA"
 

Augh! Bitches! Are you serious? First off, the guy in front of her... it's called COINSTAR. That should have been taken to the service desk.

Second... what a bitch! Not only did she not see the pain in the ass it was for the cashier to count it, the amount of time it took, and the fact that the cashier had nowhere to put these pennies, they want to do it themselves! Assholes. Society needs a gene pool cleansing.

 

Bloodsucker Caught in the Act

What you don't see is her mouth going non-stop for 45 minutes right at that poor Store Security Guard's face. Notice how he is turned away trying to protect himself and do his job. The dude handled her masterfully, smiling and joking with her. The Bloodsucker said she was a security guard at a nearby studio. But I don't think it's true. Then again, you never know what she's packin in that Trader Joe's bag.

Conehead Mannequins

...with hideous paintings of U.S. President's wives. Needless Mark Up.

Nutty Custy

'sup, all!
 
You may remember my rant about Boss Bitch and how happy we all were that she was leaving for three months over Christmas.
 
I spoke too fucking soon, but that's neither here nor there. This is the tale of me, the customer and the poppyseed friand that took place yesterday.
 
Custy: Does that chocolate have nuts in it? *points*
 
(Note: I am well prepared for this question because people are stupid and don't know how to protect themselves in order to avoid having an allergic reaction and I'll be damned if it's on my head)
 
Me: It does not have nut chunks as part of its flavor, but I cannot guarantee that any of our chocolates are completely free of nut traces.
 
Custy: *only hears the first part* That looks like a nice chocolate. Or maybe that one.
 
Custy's friend: It doesn't have nuts in it.
 
Me: Like I said, I cannot guarantee any of our chocolates don't have nut traces in them.
 
Custy: What about this cake? This orange and poppyseed thing? That doesn't have nuts in it right? It wouldn't.
 
Me: *deep breath, count to five* Ladies, I cannot guarantee that ANY of our food products do not have nuts or nut traces in them. Do you have an allergy, madam?
 
Custy: Yes.
 
Me: Then I have to tell you, it's entirely possibly that everything in this shop possesses either traces of nuts or has been in contact with products or utensils that had nuts involved somehow.
 
Custy: Unbelievable.
 
Me: *blank stare*
 
Custy: I'll get the poppyseed thing.
 
Custy's friend: But it's got nuts.
 
Custy: It should be fine.
 
Custy's friend: Well, you can just try a bit and see how you go.
 
Me: *mentally rewinding trying to make sure I've covered everything before I give her the friend of anaphylactic doom*
 
Custy: Do you get that question a lot?
 
Me: Not as often as you'd think (It's true in the two and a half years I've worked there I've only been asked about three times.)
 
Custy sits down with friend and I look over a moment later to see her tucking into her 'poppy seed thing.' I turn to a co-worker who had watched the whole thing.
 
Me: There's a certain part of me that wants her to have a reaction.
 
Co-worker: *gigglesnort*
 
Seriously, It is not my job to police your health. It is no one's job to do that but your own, or your caretaker/guardian.
 
Much consolation to you Black Friday victims.
Peace Out,
Just Jay
 

Day After Black Friday Attire

One Retail Slave's BF Day After dress code.

Custy Shark Attack at Jewely Store

Former Retail Slave  Erika, recounts a hellish experience as a customer in a commissioned sales jewelry store. jewelry

There's no greater controversy in retail than commission. If you don't have it, you don't make shit and if you do have it, you can end up beating the shit out of another salesperson fore stealing your sales. 

Where I come from these retail bitches that fight and steal sales are called Sharks:

As some one who spent her holidays slaving away at a large department store as "temp" help, I already knew that there was no one quite as evil as the old women who will literally die in their department because they have nothing else in their life. Nothing to look forward to except pushing younger workers into crap duties so they can secure higher sales numbers and 50cents more on their commission check.

A few days before Thanksgiving, my boyfriend and I ran out to a local "Z" jewelery store, to pick out my birthday present.  This was not the usual place we go, but what girl turns down jewelry.  We popped in, meeting the nice clerk, from here on called Cinderella, who managed the perfect balance of here's our sales/promotions and leaving us to browse.  As we rounded the counters, another women (Ugly StepGrandmother #1) saw me trying to figure out the carat count vs. size of a piece got in my face, so I asked her the question and then walked away.  I wasn't 100% sold on anything and really wanted a caramel apple from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate factory, so we told Cinderella that we would be back later.

We fell into the Gap, got our snacks, and then went back for another look.  When we walked into the door a third new, evil-old lady clerk (Ugly StepGrandmother #2) rushed us like a Steelers lineman.  In an effort to get her out of my face I said, "Oh thank you, but Cinderella already talked to us." and my boyfriend said, "we're just back for a second look." At this point I went back to the counter where the piece I liked resided.  USG #2 then heads back to the fancy counter where Cinderella and USG #1 are standing and then starts berate them about WHOSE COMMISSION WE WERE!

As she was publicly bitching about the fact that she left at 3:30 and therefore needed the sale, USG#1 mentions that she in fact answered a question for me too.  They were like hyenas fighting over the carcass of a gazelle THAT THEY HAVEN'T EVEN BROUGHT DOWN YET! I was starting to fume.  Look, I've been there when my temp hours "might be cut" if I don't sell enough, I've plenty of friends still in retail that rely on commission to make ends meet because their stores pay them squat. But for USG #1 and #2 to fight over who would get our dollars was despicable.

I tried to catch Cinderella's eye and nod her over, but she was cowering at the fancy counter.  In the meantime USG #1 had come over to boyfriend and said, "Do you have a Z card?  If you open one today you don't have to pay for 6 months. And there's no interest, so you should really open one today."  At this point the boy looks shocked, and slightly offended, Cinderella is literally standing halfway into the back hallway while USG#2 stares hellfire into the back of USG#1's head.

I shook my head, grabbed the boyfriend's hand and hightailed it out of the store.

Black Friday Custy Flips Over Hot Sauce

From Taco Slave:

I've been pretty much a Drive Thru Slave for about 13 years now.

Right now I'm the night manager at Taco Bell/Long John Silver's. Situated in the nook of a rather ridiculous 3-way intersection, I am blessed with pretty low volume work.

I spent most of Black Friday night thanking the retail/customer service gods for making drive thru completely utterly dead. There's a Walmart less than quarter mile away and the streets are packed... And I have one customer. My heart goes out to all the retail slaves getting spat on for their ten dollar tv coupons! The worst I had (before the paragraph to follow) was an entitled woman who thought she would like to prepay her tacos, shop, then come eat them. I told her she better hope I remember her......

Sooooo its 20 minutes to closing time, I've had maybe 5 orders in the last hour.... and I knew I wouldn't get away with no problems today... 10 mins to close this guy wants 50 of EACH hot sauce with his 2 bean burritos.

I said "No our policy is one per two items ordered but I'll give you this (giant handful of packets, prolly 20)".

He goes "C'mon baby you can do better than that."

I just growl and walk away to get his burritos.

I ask one of my two crew members to hand them to him because I'm going to yell at him when he asks for even more sauce.

She returns a moment later saying '"You gotta come talk to these guys..."

So as I return I'm psyching myself up for an argument. Just as I reach for the window latch, the guy gets out of his truck and punches the window, twice, hard!

I recoil and suddenly realize no way am I opening the window now!

I scream "Did you just punch my window?! I'm calling the police!"

He levels a finger at me with a deathstare.

I grin and stick my finger on the window like I'm E.T. and start giggling.

His face squeezes up with rage and he takes off....

I think I freaked my crew out... One girl was all "I never seen you get mad like that..."

And I thought about it and regained my composure and said to her, "If that's the worst thing that happened to us on Black Friday I'm pretty damn good with that."

She agreed.

Taco Slave

 

Shopping Cart Doin' Time

From Mick: "Cart given one last task of moving carpet runners, then locked in for life."

Nowhere To Run From Christmas Music

So yesterday was pretty much Retail Hell on earth for everyone. Though I have not been in retail for awhile now, I was at two stores all day yesterday signing books. Yes, it was better to be talking about it, instead of living it, but I was reminded of my hellish days as I was forced to listen to 8 hours of fucking Christmas music.

My bleeding ears go out to all of you who have a month ahead of this audio torture. There were some days and some songs from my Holiday Hell past, where I wanted to staple my ears shut

So I wake up this morning wanting a bagel and I head across the street to Factors an old Jewish deli restaurant. Not a Christmas tree or ornament inside. No Christmas shit here.

Except....

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas was playing over the loud speaker.

At a full-on Jewish restaurant and deli.

WTF?!!!!

It was followed my some lame song repeating the phrase "Celebrate Christmas" over and over! 

I suppose the Christmas music won't last long there. It may have been turned off by the time I write this even.

Is nowhere safe from Christmas music?

Last year, down the street from where I live near Beverly Hills - they had speakers in the sidewalk trees blasting it all over the streets.

Christmas music inside. Christmas music outside.

I wanted to get a gun and start shooting speakers.

Screaming Lady Message

Why Custys Shouldn't Wear Wigs on Black Friday

Black Friday Hawaii Style

 

Black Friday Dumbasses in Boise, Idaho

Black Friday Suicide 2009

Retail Death Webcomic: Black Friday

"If you’re reading this, it means you survived Black Friday.  On behalf of retail veterans everywhere, I congratulate you on your fortitude and the strength of your will.  My hat goes off to you, my heart goes out to you, and I hope the bastards at least give you a couple of days off  now to recover.  You’re going to need it!..."to read the rest, head on over to Retail Death by CLICKING HERE.

Black Friday Hell Rap Battle at IKEA

Sent to us from the video's filmmaker Jason Monroe.

Screaming Lady Message

Pajama Grinches At The KaBumVille BoxMart

From Customer ServeTHIS:

So I'm riding out the recession at the local KaBumVille BoxMart, which I will not identify except to say that we do not wear blue.

It sucks as expected - bottom-feeder customers, employees who don't give a shit, nothing's ever priced right or in stock, Management Grinches, the whole bit.

I expect squat from the place and I get squat, so, no harm no foul.  But yesterday I experienced something so new, so Grinchy, that I can only call it "Negative Squat."  And I gotta cry foul. 

Word comes down last week from the Management Grinches: "We can wear pajamas to work on Thanksgiving!"

Yayyy! -say the pee-ons.

"Oh: but they have to be our store-brand pajamas."

Boooo, say the pee-ons.  Like everything else in and about the store, the pajamas are cheap'n'ugly

"BUT it's OK", say the Grinches, "Because we, the Generous Management, will GIVE them to you! Free of charge!"

Yayyy! -say the pee-ons.  Cheap'n'ugly ain't so bad if it's free.

A week goes by. We pick out our pajamas. THEN, yesterday, the Word Comes Down.

The Ultimate Grinch, the Negative Squat Moment.

"By the way, your pajamas aren't free for you to KEEP, they're just ON LOAN."

What, say the confused pee-ons: "We have to buy them? But, but, you don't pay us enough to be able to afford them."

"No worries," the Maganimous Grinches assure us.  "If you don't want to buy your pajamas, you can return them on Black Friday to our specially designated Pajama Police. Just be sure to bring the EXACT SAME PAJAMAS you took, because the Pajama Police will have a scanner and a list and will be checking each pair returned."

But....the pee-ons blink...we'll have worn them, so....you can't resell them.  What'll you do with 'em?

"We'll Deep-six 'em."

+

So....what you're saying, Mr. Grinch, is that you want us to give you hours and hours of free product advertising on Thanksgiving Day, only to have to choose between buying the damn things *AT FULL PRICE*, or handing them over so they can eventually end up off someone's books and in a landfill?!?

That, Mr. Grinch, is worse than squat. That is Negative-Squat. 

And if I ever do get into the whoring-out business, it'll be for more than Negative-Squat.  Here's your damn pajamas back, unworn.  I'm wearing the standard uniform on Thanksgiving, which I at least knew ahead of time I'd have to buy. Squat's the lowest I'll work for.

Happy Stinkin' Holidays from the KaBumVille BoxMart!

Your hapless recession victim,

Customer ServeTHIS

 

Shopping Cart On the Run

"Fuck those crowds. Fuck Black Friday. I'm outta here!"