Maroon Monday Thanksgiving Hell at Grocery Stores

From Eric:

Everyone's talking about Black Friday, the day when everyone is done eating Thanksgiving dogshit and wants to stock up on pre-chewed candycanes, oh, and toys for all ages of puke.

But there was a more important day that YOU ALREADY MISSED! Maroon Monday! The day when everybody wants to enter the grocery store through the front entrance to buy some dead bird to feed through its back entrance.

 

This day is more important because, although a vast throng of people like and even buy gadgets, electronics, appliances and heuristic holistic compact disks, an even greater number, namely everyone, eats.

 

Naturally, since everyone assumes we're closed Thursday (which we're not), they decide to all come on Wednesday, but then they think we might be closed then too (which we're not) so they prepare to arrive on Tuesday, until they realize they need time to actually thaw the damn thing, so they have to come on Monday.

 

The sale paper for the week is enormous, and I mistook it for our entire daily newspaper at least twice. On the front of our sale paper, bold as brash brass, is the weekly deception along with a coupon to hasten the avalanche of same. The deception reads:

 

Any turkey 14-28 lbs., 39 cents/lb.!*

*With coupon, asshole. Ha ha, this text is too small for anyone over age 39 to read.

 

Actually the price is 99 cents/lb. without coupon. Fortunately, the coupon is provided right there on the corner of the sale p-- Oh wait, it isn't there, someone ripped it out. (I thought WE were the big ripoff around here!) Well, let's get another paper, shall we? Next register over has two papers, both corners missing. And the one next to that didn't have anyone running the register all day, and THAT sale paper has no coupon either. I suppose the Smurfs got that one.

 

The coupon, when eventually found at the bottom of the display pile, says "$10 OFF!" I don't know how they can change 99/lb to 39/lb by subtracting $10 each and every time, with hundreds of different turkeys at different weights and BMI, and of course I'm willing to demonstrate my newfound apoplexy if someone asks me how that works.

 

The coupon also says-- wait for it-- "$10 off turkey as already mentioned bla bla bla, with seperate $20 purchase!" Oh the laughs we have!

 

First there are the people purchasing $20+ of merchandise that they want rung up seperately. "Um," I reply (feeling witty that day?), "if you buy it seperately, how are you going to have enough for the coupon to work?" "Eh?" they ask (it's a battle of wits folks!). "Yeah," I reply in an effort to indicate I already made my point and they'll just sound stupid no matter what they say anyway. (The usual.)

 

Second, there are those who believe that since the turkey is >$20 by itself, the coupon covers it without anything further. This is an interesting religion, and is adhered to only by those who failed so hard at math that the teachers gave them an A+ just so they'd go away.

 

Third, there are the rough riff-raff who stick two turkeys in one order with an additional $40+ of merchandise who expect two coupons to be honored. I'm not supposed to do that, but hey, if they scan then it's the register's fault it didn't notice coupon duplication. *crosses fingers*

 

For some reason, I get all the competent people this year coupon-wise, though J____, a fellow checker, got all the idiots who didn't have $20 of anything, including common sense, to ring up. I kept hearing The Turkey Spiel (now available on LP, 45 and wax cylinders!) going on behind me. I'm amazed J____ can keep that up without getting pissed at them. Or at least some more letters for his name.

 

One person peeved me-- the Meat Dept. of Slimy Saliva Sputum in Speaking. Got a turkey with no price tag. I know it's 99/lb., but what scale tare am I supposed to use for a heavy netting with thick epidermal bandaging? (BTW, the patient is dead, Doctor. That's what you get for using a hatchet instead of a scalpel. Shame there wasn't also a Turkeycratic Oath to go with the one about hippos.)

 

Anyway, the phone conversation consisted entirely of "How much--" "99 cents. *CLICK*" and was only marginally more helpful than the previous attempt which said "That's Meat, not Frozen." even though it was frozen meat!

 

Oh well. But even making up a tare number, I couldn't weigh the damn thing. Find second button near the top; then third button; then press Meat button, then 3 - tare - scale - 99 - Meat button, right? "Item cannot be entered as weighed". I tried Meat, Frozen, Grocery, Fish-- any department I could lob this off as-- no luck.

 

Turned out I was supposed to press the "Scale/Price" button first. This is the button they told us never to use. After this button, the menu includes eight completely baffling choices straight out of rocket science. I'm hoping for a "Blow up Disneyland" button to turn up unexpectedly someday.

 

Oh, and there was a SECOND COUPON today! It was for $20 off the turkey, no further purchase required, and it was printed by Exxon/Mobil. I always wondered if anyone smothers turkeys in engine oil, and now I know. Lucky them that A) it was a legitimate coupon (despite about five minutes of service desk verification) and I was allowed to accept it, and B) they didn't try to use our coupon as well.

 

Turkeys haven't run out yet, mostly because they're dead, but when they do we'll be smothered in people buying turkey breasts, which are too small for the coupon. About 4% of then actually have tags, and 100% of them are $2.49/lb. That'll make a lot of people upside-down happy.

 

Never mind the bollocks, I have Thursday off.

 

Eric

Comments

[Spritzy]

Why is it that corporate thinks that the adverage customer can calculate complex mathamatical sequences like that?

[Michael]

Last night my mom got the turkey, because the hospital she works at gives her a voucher for a free one every Thanksgiving. When she went to the store it's good at, they only had 20 pound and up ones left.

There's three and a half people eating Thanksgiving at our house this year. We shall have leftover bird carcass clear to Christmas.

I bought everything else we need today, and was happy I could bring the cost in just under $100. Tomorrow, the cooking, and then Friday, I go into the breach myself.

[Katie]

At my grocery store, we aren't supposed to ring up things without a tag for "shrink" reasons. I feel your pain. Our stores coupon was get a turkey for .29/lb with a $15 purchase in that small print, limit 1 per household. Which of course caused issues by people claiming there was no sign above the turkey display. Which there is.

[Charissa]

Seriously, they expect people to read? Whoever dreamed up these coupons obviously doesn't have to deal custys on a regular basis.

[Elli]

I work at Pavilions, and I am SO HAPPY I only work weekends. No more work 'til tomorrow.

[twiztidlette]

I know this is old, but I had to lmao at the line ''the turkeys haven't run out yet, because they're dead''
You winz the internets.