The Customer is Always...

From Michael:

My store handed out a new piece of flair to the employees today.

Now usually, when they do this it's because we're adding some kind of service (like repairing screen doors), or running a special offer (like $5 off gallons of paint). This one, however, was different.

It's three inches across, button red with bold white print. It reads, simply, "I am #2."

When it was distributed to the Retail Slaves, a flyer with one of the buttons was pinned to the bulletin board next to the time clock. It had a sample dialogue under the button:

Customer: If you're number 2, who's number 1?

You: YOU ARE!!!!

Apparently they started this on Wednesday. I was off work Wednesday and Thursday, so I walked into the middle of it today, and as soon as I clocked in, I was handed one of these ridiculous things.

I looked down at it, looked at the supervisor, and proclaimed in my best Patrick McGoohan impression:

"I AM NOT A NUMBER, I AM A FREE MAN!"

To which, the supervisor, being ignorant of one of the greatest science fiction-y works of surrealism ever to be produced by the BBC, blinks a couple of times in surprise before giggling nervously (figuring that I must have fired a joke clear over her head, which I inadvertently did) and said, "So, are you gonna put it on."

"No. I have enough trouble with custys here treating me like fecal matter without proclaiming my status as it on my vest in 72 point type."

And I didn't. I won't either. Most our custys don't deserve to be in a top TEN, let alone number one. There's ONE cool old guy that comes in regularly that I would say is number one, and most the rest of the assholes, bitches, and douchebags that shop my store can take a nap in front of the forklift for all I care.

What it comes down to, is more praising the customer just for showing up. It's going a step beyond "The Customer Is Always Right" to "The Customer Is My Lord and Master, Without Whom Nothing Is Possible."

But I've worked in hardware stores far too long to buy into this crap.

"The Customer Is Usually Wrong."

Matter of fact, "The Customer Has Very Little Chance Of Knowing WTF They're Talking About, But Will Try To Bluff Into Getting Their Way."

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm off to try to find a button with the #6 and a picture of a Penny Farthing on it. Because frankly, The Prisoner is an apt reference for retail life these days.

Comments

[Eric]

I made one of those #6 pennyfarthing buttons back in 1991 when I worked at a White Hen Pantry, using only materials at hand (i.e. cellophane wrap, markers, scissors, etc.) and nobody stopped me wearing it.

Nobody gave a damn either, of course.

[Michael]

Oh, I found some convincing replications online through a quick google search. Gonna start wearing it at the store soon. Of course, it'll be a joke just for me as most people in this town don't watch quality shows that make you think.

[Joe]

"The Prisoner" was a shining beacon to me in my high school days.
Say it with me, fellow Retail Slaves:
"I will not be pushed, stamped, filed, indexed, briefed, de-briefed or NUMBERED! My life is my own."

[Retail Drone #37]

Wow. I'm way too young to get that reference, but I probably would have thought it was funny anyway. Haha

The button might as well have said

"I'm Poop"

[Jit]

Or,

"Please put my tender soul in a blender and watch it spin around into a beautiful oblivion."

Or,

"Please shoot me."

[Logan]

Only the doucheiest of customers would find that kind of ass kissing appealing anyway. "who's number one? You are!" As a customer, I would groan at the fake complimenting and feel sorry for the server for being made to say that.

[Michael]

While that quote is great, the one even better in this situation is:

“You still have a choice. You can still salvage your right to be individuals. Your rights to truth and free thought! Reject this false world of Number Two . . . reject it NOW!!” ~No. 6, A Change of Mind

[Magical Shrimp]

I think I'd report it to the Better Business Bureau if I saw you guys forced to wear that shit. Like anyone in retail needs to be demeaned further.

[N/A]

I need to know where this store is. I have an urge to go in and rip the manager a new one for handing those out. There's no way I'd be shopping in a store when the employees are wearing those.

[Brandon Rogers]

Wasn't there already a book out like last year called The Customer is Always Wrong: The Retail Chronicles?

Seems that this is a bit late.

[Pharmacy_psycho]

The Prisoner! YAY! I used to stay up late and watch it on PBS.

If they handed me that piece of crap, I'd probably pin it on my dog's vest when I was working. That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I sure hope none of my bosses hear of it though or I'm sure they'll think it's great and lo' and behold, I'll be seeing a pin in my future :-(.

[Anger Mismanagement]

WTF...okay, that is just WRONG on so many levels! Loved your response though, right on! I agree, when we are customers, and see shit like that, we should call the corporate offices and give them hell!