Holiday Shopping Tips From a Grocery Retail Slave

From Chris:

Those with weak hearts, a love of their fellow man, or strong morals should not read past this sentence....

Right then. Off we go.

Black Friday is looming, For those not in the know, this is the day when everyone and their mother goes insane and wakes up at 2 am to save 50 bucks on presents, kicking and screaming and trampling each other while we herd them to the cashiers.

They took my cattle prod last year, so I'm not looking forward to this one.

I do need to make note on a few things before the turkey gets beheaded and I try and grab a few hours sleep. For my bothers and sisters in the retail trenches. I work in a grocery store, but this will effect everyone come Christmas time.

For those not in the know, or hoping to have a better experience during their holiday shopping, here are a few well intentioned rules and tips:

NO CHILDREN. we hate them. No really. You're prepubescent wads of skin and sticky arms makes us want to remove our reproductive organs with rusty spoons and out of date Robitussin. Do not bring them with you when shopping. If you *must* bring them, do not take them down aisles that have things they want, that you are unwilling to buy for them. If you do, we have the right to cram them so full of those bloody M&M's they're crying for; that they will look like Violet in Willy Wonka.

Do not expect cranberry sauce on the day of the holiday. Do not expect to get *anything* if you are coming into the store on thanksgiving eve. Giving the Service staff lip about your inability to find something you should have bought last week will not endear you to them, and in fact, will probably be bad for your continued well being.

Remember:

You get to go home. We will be in the store for at least 8 hours.

We will be in the store for 8 hours because of you.

Thanks.

Stuffing is in aisle four. Yes it is. No, you were not just over there. If you were, you would have found the stuffing, and we would not be having this conversation.

Watch where you're going. If you bash me in the ankle with that damn cart, I'm taking this frozen brick of peas and caving in your skull. If you let your inbred spawn drive the cart, I'm going to make you walk in front of it until your foot falls off from blunt trauma.

When I tell you we're out of something. Take my word on it. I'm not trying to deprive you of your pine-nut scented biodegradable Ass-tro-glide. We just don't have anymore.

Don't ask the other people in the store. They're just going to call me and ask if we have it. Don't ask the managers, they're just going to call me and ask if we have anymore as well. You're not slick, nor will your ass be tonight. Crisco's in aisles five though, pretend you're a pioneer!

It's not "In the back." No, I will not "Check" For you. If we had it, It would in fact be out. We are not holding a pallet of whatever the hell you want back there just for the Super Smart Folks like you to come up and ask for it specifically. There is no secret handshake, wink, or signal that will make it appear for you. You are not the first person today to ask for it.

In fact, You are the 947th person to ask.

It did not magically appear there since the last time I was forced to go look either. If you press the issue, we will go back and check, and should we actually manage, by some miracle, to find said item, on principal, you will not get it.

Fuck you and your paper bags. You're getting plastic. You will get plastic bags. You will LIKE the plastic bags. If you are lucky, we will not put the turkey on top of your dinner rolls. Sadly, it's not looking good for you because the "Community Service Change Brigade" has been ringing that MOTHER F_ING  BELL for the past SIX HOURS.

Aisle seven. That way. Between aisle six and eight. I know it's hard to figure out, but we keep our aisles numbered for this kind of emergency.

You can leave a trail of breadcrumbs so you don't get lost.

Breadcrumbs are in aisle seven.

When I say "Aisle 7" Don't ask me where it is.

Because I'll have to say "Between 6 and 8" Don't give me that opening. I get in trouble when I tell the truth to you people.

Milk comes to the store in five foot by five foot cubes. It's all the same date. Pulling apart the milk case to find "the fresh milk" will be met by "Leather face" levels of retaliation.

You have been warned.

The same goes for eggs. Buy a chicken if you want to have ungodly fresh eggs.

No, A roasted chicken will not work.

~Chris from Chicago

  

Comments

[Spritzy]

I agree with these statements whole heartedly! Those people out there with eggnog for brains shouldn't be allowed to shop. How do people function like that?

[Twink]

LMAO!! I agree too...

Let's not forget (because it will happen, repeatedly):

"Offering me, or anyone else that works here money is not going to make it magically appear for you. That's bribery, and if my boss so much as thinks I'm considering taking you up on the offer, I'll get fired. Trust me, my job is way more valuable than you buying that gallon sized can of peeled yams. Just suck it up, buy the one's we have in the produce department, and get off your lazy ass and peel them yourself."

[James]

Used to work retail at Walmart, (Did not work foods, but Toys for 6 christmas' straight) Feel your pain, though. So many customers looking for items we were out of, but when a few insisted, I "checked" in the back. Actually, got a drink of water, took a moment to breathe to (attempt to) reduce stress, and then went back out to inform that, yes, we were definitely out.

[Retail Drone #37]

Some people need to get their brain checked.
Don't tell me you've been too busy to drive your ass down to the store for 20 minutes out of your day and buy some food for your family. Don't tell me that because you're lying.

You might have been tired, depressed or angry, but don't say you were busy. No one is that busy. Use the time you would use to sleep for shopping. I don't care how you do it, just stop being a lying idiot.

[Tony]

Here's one you forgot:
"In case you haven't noticed, there about a hundred other people in the store that are also shopping. There were several hundred people in the store yesterday shopping. And the day before that, and the day before that. The reason we're out of something is because there have been several THOUSAND people through here in the last few days. Has it ever occurred to you that you are not the only person in the world who wants [item]? Next time, come early and we might have what you want before it's sold out."

[twitter.com/flecks_flyer]

Don't forget. If you open it to "check it", and decide that you want the one you didn't open, that means someone else isn't going to be getting it. Don't drop it, pinch it, dent it, smash it, bend it, break it, or otherwise ruin it and then wonder why we run out twice as fast. Pharmacy Psycho

[Katie]

Here's another. If you grab a turkey or a meat item without a price tag, I will have to call the meat department. Yes, they will have to take the item back to their department to put a tag on it. No, I am really not allowed to weigh it at $$$/lb. But I do apologize for the delay you now have.

[Tina]

love it. Very nicely put!