Retail Hell Underground

Mannequin Dance Party

Those crazy NY H & M Mannequins. Better hide the liquor.

Happy New Years everyone! Eat, drink, and laugh!

 

Dumbass New Years Eve Custy

From Riferous

Here's a Dumbass Custy for you. 

I get a phone call. To sum up, the guy says he has called five times for Floral, and the people answering the phone know there is nobody in Floral, but they keep paging them anyway.  He's upset and feeling disrespected, so he asked for the manager, which is me. 

I finally ask him what it is that he needs, and he needs to know if we have lilies. 

I, not being a Floral clerk and not being anywhere near Floral, say that I don't know, I'll have to go look. I heard the sound that you all know, the inarticulate gust of wind that says "You don't know what you sell in your own store?", so I say I'll be just a second and put him on hold.

Now keep in mind that today is December 31, and our wonderful government decided to hand out Food Stamps a day early because of the holiday, as if we didn't have enough to deal with, so we are busy as shit, and I'm in a bad mood to boot. 

So on my way to Floral I call up to the front desk to see if this guy has really called 5 times, and the lady that answered said, "Seriously, yes," which should have been my first clue, but I instead expressed my frustration with the fact that he had not been helped yet.

So, I see that no, we do not have lilies, but we do have a special on roses. I tell him the several colors that we have, and he decides on three dozen. I tell him that I will have them ready for him in a few minutes, he says he will be in shortly, all is well. 

Or so I think.  

I wrapped them and left them in the cooler, and tell the other lady at the desk that they are ready and where they are.

This other clerk tells me that she answered the phone for the guy three times, because - and here's where I realize that we are not, in fact, at fault - she told him that there was nobody in Floral, and she would help him as soon as she could, but they had a line at the office as well, and put him on hold. (Busy as hell, remember.) So apparently he thinks that he will get helped faster if he hangs up and calls back, and this is why he has called five times, not because he hung on the phone forever waiting for somebody to answer.

But it gets better.

When he came in for the flowers, he asked for me, but the clerk knew what he wanted, so she said that she would help him. He said, "Good, I didn't want to deal with him anyway. He made me mad."

WHAT THE FUCK???  How did I make him mad, by doing his shopping for him?

Oh well.  Gotta go unload a truck.  Maybe a skid will fall on me.

Happy Fucking New Year!

Riferous

New Year's Eve = Valentine's Day

Forget Hallowthanksmus...now we have Happy New Valentines! Nothing says Happy New Year like valentines chocolate and cards. Pics taken at Raley's grocery store on December 30th at 6pm. It's a good thing chocolate and candy have long shelf lives...

Return Hell with Dumbass Custys

A few Return Hell Stories to scare you to death. From RHU's comments...

Claire:

I had a guy return a new CD because he didn't like the mixing and he "had a recording studio in his basement and so knew sound quality," puffing himself up like a strutting rooster when he said it.

He swore at me and I went all school marm "That language is not acceptable or appreciated."

He apologized, but, as my grandmother always said, a good reputation is an easy thing to lose and a near impossible thing to replace.

Another customer pointed out that if he had a recording studio he could have fixed the damned sound and felt not like a useless twat.

It's a new cd, we can't predict if it's mixed up to your high standards.

Write EMI.

Macy's Blows:

God, I can't count how many times people bring in empty jars of cream and want money back. Or even worse, filled up with something that is obviously not $135 moisturizer.

Seriously, do people think I can't tell the difference between the stuff I've been selling for 4 years and Garnier Fructise Conditioner?

Sian:

I love it when people try and return makeup with a competitor's price stickers still on them. I also love the look on their face when I tell them I can't take it back.

Kit:

Yups. Some thing worse happened. A few weeks ago, some stupid girl wanted to return a sandwich she said was the wrong order.

We would've done it EXCEPT for three things that had happened previously:

1. She had already returned a sandwich before for another.

2. She once again returned another sandwich.

3. The third time, she had already eaten half the damn sandwich.

Seriously ... and the girl that had come to us the first two times wasn't even the actual customer.

The third time she came with the actual eater, in which the friend told the eater, "They won't take it because you ate half of it, bitch.'

Mudflap Girl:

Why do people who return every thing they buy think they are customers?

They actually COST the store money.

The store has to pay someone to ring up the sale,return the sale and fool around with the paperwork associated with the return(sending product back to the vender or whatever).

I think chronic returners should pay the store a service fee at least.At least we could get something for our trouble.

I once had a woman return a sunscreen because,she said,it made bees chase her.Another woman dropped an eyeshadow from her second floor balcony and complained that it broke and demanded a replacement.

Not to be outdone, one annoying skank returned a bodysuit because the snaps made her crotch break out in a rash.

Yeah, like I really needed to hear that.

I hate bullshit returns and the people who do them!

Mario Speedwagon:

A few months back in my Hardly Normal store, I had a customer try to return a laser printer - 1 day short of being a year since purchase.

Apparently, they only just realized that it was a mono-function printer, not a multifunction.

I flat out said no way, so they kicked up a fuss saying that they spoke to David on the phone (we don't have a David or anyone with a similar name).

In the end my manager returned it and refunded it for them.

Unbelievable.

Spritzy:

I had a lady walk up to me with a bathrobe in a bag and asked me if the bathrobe came from our store and if she could return it.

I looked it over and it obviously didn't come from our store.

I told her that our store only has Blah-Blah brand of bathrobes and it's not ours and wouldn't be able to return it...

She paused and looked at me with a disgusted face and said..."..SO?!"

Customer Rejects

...or men's clothing is taking a turn for the worst.

Dumbass Gift Card Custys

This entry was sent from Malmart Peon on the 20th. We've got a bit of backlog of stories going on right now, but Freddy will eventually pull his drunk ass out of snow back get them posted. Thanks for sending your stories. They will eventually get posted. With this late holiday entry Malmart discusses something we are all familiar with: Dumbass Custys and how they

Hello again everyone!  The Malmart Peon is reporting in with another story of people who can't seem to grasp reality.

It's another beautiful day at Malmart, and today I ran again into one of the things which cashiers hate, i.e. the Visa/Mastercard gift cards or rebate cards. 

It seems like a simple concept, but of course nothing is simple in Retail Hell. 

As fellow cashiers probably know, the giftcards act like credit cards with a limit of whatever is on the card. If there is less than the total transaction value and the cashier is not informed the card is declined, just like a credit card. 

If the customer knows how much is on the card then the amount charged can be altered, allowing the card to process.

Quite simply, if the customer doesn't know how much is on the card I can't make it go. They made it easy to find out the balance with a phone number AND an email address, but you know most customers can't be bothered to take five minutes out of their INCREDIBLY busy schedule in order to save ten minutes or more when they're in line demanding to know WHY their card isn't working. 

Too-Busy-Grandma didn't have time, but she had time to spend at least five minutes trying to make her card work and arguing with me. 

The kicker was that after she had attempted to swipe her card after I informed her TWICE that Visa doesn't share its information with Walmart and that her attempts were futile, she informed me that we were all incompetent, as it was a GIFT CARD. 

Oh, it's a gift card all right, a VISA gift card, not a MALMART gift card.  

My own roommate, who has heard a billion stories about this very topic came through my line and did the SAME THING! 

When these people are confronted with the fact that it acts like a credit card they keep repeating "but it's a gift card."

This is perfect example of a common symptom of customer ignorance: believing that repeating something will make it true. 

I can say that I love my job a billion times, but that doesn't change the fact that when I'm at Malmart I have the almost uncontrollable urge to turn my pen into a stabbing device. 

Anyway, have a happy whatever-holiday-you-

celebrate, and hopefully Retail Hell Santa will bring us some booze to drown our sorrows in!

The Malmart Peon

Mannequin Lush

Return Comebacks

From Joe:

Returner: "I got this as a gift and it doesn't match anything in my wardrobe."

RHU Slave: "I understand. It's very difficult to accessorize Army surplus."

Returner: "Yo man, 'dis don't fit."

RHU Slave: "You should really check the size BEFORE you boost things, son."

Toys R Us Shopping Cart Heist

Here's a little ditty I found late last night pouring through trashy New York stories. I thought y'all would get a kick out of it.

500 Shopping Carts Stolen from Toys R Us Bronx Store

Sent in from: Santa's Bitch (aka the unemployed Retail Slave)

Amazing Random Act of Retail Kindness

Sent in from SJ:

I just had to share my Random Act of Retail Kindness that occurred yesterday during return hell.

This woman was returning something and didn't have a receipt.

Our policy states that you can only get a gift card for the lowest amount it has been at in the last 90 days without the card you purchased with it or the receipt.

The woman didn't have a problem with only getting 9.99 back, but she didn't want it as a receipt.

So, as I'm calling the manager she's working herself up to a fit.

I'd already had 6 people flip out on me that day and it was only 3 hours into my shift with 6 more hours to go so I said "Lady, calm down. I'm trying to work this out for you."

The guy behind her asks "How much was the gift card for?"

I informed him and he said "Why don't I just give her $10 and use the gift card towards my purchase?"

I looked at the lady to make sure she wasn't going to start screaming and then thanked him profusely.

After she left he said "I could tell she was going to make a scene and hold up the line, so I figured it didn't really make a difference."

I continued to thank him during the sale, and I could tell everyone else in the line was grateful too.

It's nice to know that not everyone is an ass hole like the other people who I wanted to strangle yesterday.

I just hope return hell ends soon.

Walking into work and finding the cash wrap covered in piles of clothing gives me a headache.

Shopping Cart Punishment

Snow plow duty.

Spritzy's Message To Customers Entering Stores

Today at work I thought to ask the question...has hell frozen over?

Why no! Of course not! I'm just stuck at the front entrance all day hawking reward cards to every hapless soul who stumbles in the door.

Mind you all that this is Northern Illinois...in December. Today's weather called for a cheerful and balmy twenty degrees with a wind chill of seven degrees all topped off with a good 3-4 inches of blowing and drifting snow...snow that likes to drift right in the door and collect at my feet.

To the customers I encountered today, some etiquette and training for you.
~

1. Do not...I repeat...do NOT stand in between the automatic doors causally talking with your cohorts in-person or on the phone...the doors will continue to stay open for that amount of time and the snow will continue to collect around my feet. My feet don't like snow.

2. To the children of these customers: The entrance is NOT an ideal place to throw a tantrum...kicking and screaming in the middle of the doorway will, yet again, cause the door to stay open and collect snow around my feet. Maybe someone will just walk up and snatch your spoiled rotten butt and then you'll REALLY have something to complain about.

3. Yes...it's cold standing at the door...please don't point out that fact to me for the 47th time...I kinda figured that out from my shivering and loss of feeling in my fingers and toes.

4. For that matter...don't you dare fucking complain to me that you're too warm. YOU are wearing a full length down lined coat, a wool hat, and fleece gloves and will be standing at the entrance for all of five minutes. I am wearing a light sweater and have to stand at the entrance for six hours. If you're too warm then I suggest we trade places for a couple hours.

5. No, I am not promoting a credit card...for once...thank God. Don't complain to me that you won't be able to get approved for the card...it's a damn points card...you get the card right away and it doesn't cost or charge you anything. Open your ears and listen.

6. No I do not care that these reward card programs are "secretly a covert-ops way to steal private personal information to be sold on the black market to terrorist funded programs" Cause it's not...go build yourself a tin-foil hat and keep your propagandist theories to yourself...I just work here.

7.Yes, I know that the sign-up form asks for a birthdate...don't get all huffy about it. I don't care how old you are. We don't have a "Wall of Old Farts" in the breakroom to mock the over 50 set (though maybe we should) it just asks your birthdate so the computer knows you're over 18.

8.No, your 6 year old cannot sign up for the card so they can have a pretend play credit-card, your kid prolly has enough damn toys that they don't need a frickin square of plastic.....

9. To those customers with children again...do not use me as your weapon or threat...I will not beat your child for you...I will not take away their toys or treats...and I will not steal them away from home forever...Your child is a snot-nosed brat and I want nothing to do with it.

10. Unless you're hearing impaired please give me the courtesy of at least acknowledging that I spoke to you...one of these days I'm gonna start offering free $100 bills just to see how many people blur right past me without even making eye contact.

11. If you do acknowledge me, please be nice about it. If you don't want the card then just say "no thanks"...don't scowl at me, don't bark a rude "NO!" don't interrupt me after two words to say you "don't want whatever that damn thing is"...trust me...I wouldn't be bothering you with it if I didn't have to do this and I don't care if you don't want it anyway...the polite people however, do keep my soul from freezing.

12. If you think that my purpose for standing at the door is to be propositioned or harassed you have obviously gone to the wrong place. This is a store entrance not a street corner... plus you're 73, fat, and smell like cat-pee...get the fuck away from me. Next time I'm packing a tazer.

-- Spritzy

Redneck Mannequin and Friend

The results of too much moonshine.

 

Tribute to An Awesome Fast Food Manager

This post was sent a few weeks ago from RHU Blogger Twink. Because of the backlog of stories, we are a little late in getting it up.There are great Managers out this and this story from Twink proves it:

This is a little late, as it's a Black Friday story, but I kinda thought with the hell everyone's been going through, a story that serves a little justice might brighten things up. 

I've spent a total of 12 years in retail, 10 of them in fast food.  I've worked for BYB on three separate occasions, the last of the three being the one I remember the most. I willingly gave them nearly 3 years of my life. Why? Because I had a GM that most people would kill to work for.

 

Lisa was notorious for breaking company rules, and never getting caught (she was really good friends with a higher up, we knew about every "surprise inspection" waaay before Liz (the DM) ever showed up). We were NEVER written up (not even when I slammed the drive thru window shut on a customer, and flipped him off), broke the dress code on a daily basis (incorrect shoes, painted nails, untucked shirts, you name it), and jammed music all day long (we had a morning spatula toss to see which station would be motivating us through the day). 

 

As a result, even though we didn't do the most business (we were closed 4 days before Christmas because we were the slowest store in the region, which is no surprise, considering people drove past us and never knew we were there), if you knew anyone who worked there, you wanted to work there too.

But my favorite time of year to work for Lisa? Thanksgiving and Christmas. While we couldn't call out on Black Friday, after one year of particularly nasty sales, she devised a plan. We sat in a mall parking lot, and as a result, people often parked in our mini lot in order to walk to the mall, leaving our actual customers with no other alternative but to go through the drive thru.  And with mall traffic being bad, we were usually avoided at all costs. After getting chewed out the year before for bad sales, Lisa came up with a way to keep it from happening again.

Two weeks prior, we started running a message on our billboard "Black Friday Exclusive, Inquire Within".

The Exclusive part was that we were giving out business cards that had a note from Lisa on them, saying they had permission to park in our lot. I think we handed out a total of 5 (you had to ask us about the message on the billboard).   

Now, back then cops could eat for free, so we had no shortage of officers willing to do us a favor or two. In exchange for lunch, a couple of them agreed to block our lot off, and only allow those who had the cards, entrance to park. They were to stop, when the mall ended their sale at 11am. We brought em drinks all morning, at the flash of a light.

Lisa and I (the senior cashier, I always got to pick my shifts, and I opted to work an "opener", from 7am to 11am, which is when we opened to serve the BF customers) had an absolute ball sitting in the dining room watching people get pissed off because they couldn't pull into our lot to park and walk. If you said you were going to eat, and then didn't, you got a citation (but I dunno what the charge was).

To this day I've always wondered where she went (got a job as a manager for another fast food chain somewhere in Atlanta when we first closed, no idea where she is now), and if she's got a new crew that loves her as much as we all did.

So keep your chins up fellow slaves, there are managers out there who really do care more about their employees, than the company they're both slaves for. 

 

Twink

Piggy Shopper Pillage

Forget Logo Land - Welcome to Piggy Shopper Land!

Where's a bulldozer when you need one?

Evile Depot Propaganda

We at the Depot have a newish policy being thrust down our throats by corporate.

I say newish because its a rehash of our orientation training.

It even has an acronym FIRST.

Its on our aprons (underlined of course) and on a patch that we had to take a class to get (It was a 2 hour class WTF)

*F* Find the customer.

I agree, find them while wielding a blowtorch and grease paint that would make Rambo proud.

*I* Inquire about their project.

Wait, you really want us to find out what they think they can do with a sharp object?  "Of course you're doing little Johnny's science project for him, what a good mom you are."Gag me.

*R* Respect the customer.

....like they do us, right? "No, really holding the handsaw upside down will work for you, you just keep trying. You'll get it."

*S* Solve the customers problem.

Oh, wait, do it for them, right? So the fat broad in the powerchair can say she built her extra large casket herself.

*T* Thank the customer.

In my professional opinion, the only way I could thank them is chasing the DP's, spawn, and NAT's out of the fucking store with my paintball gun, with orange paintballs naturally.

Live orange!

-DepotDemon

Dumbass Custy Encounter

Sent in from MKM:

I have a good one for you.

I work in a locally owned grocery chain in Nebraska.

I was working late one day, and a customer came up to me and asked if I could help. 

I went down the aisle to where the woman led me. 

She then asked if we (the store) had any more "CREAMY type PEANUT BUTTER" that was on sale.

I do not work in that particular department, but I looked in the backstock area, and told her that we were out of that type, but the "CHUNKY" was also on sale also. 

She then told me that she could not have CHUNKY because she was allergic to nuts.

I had an instant anurism.  LOL

 

M.K.M.

Lincoln, Nebraska

Destined For More Markdown

They might want to try $2.49.

12 Days of Walgreens Christmas

Sent in from a Walgreens Slave:

So I've been working for Walgreens for about 5 years now, I am the lyrical genius (as my co worker puts it) behind this. So, this is my 12 Days of Christmas, Walgreens (aka retail) style. lol enjoy!

On the First day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: A manager, with the flu, puking in the bathroom

On the Second day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Two No Call/No Shows

On the Third day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Three cash count

On the Fourth day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Four Photo Specialists

On the Fifth day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Five Nuva Ring prescriptions

On the Sixth day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Six kids stealing condoms

On the Seventh day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Seven cosmeticians

On the Eighth day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Eight returns without receipts

On the Ninth day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Nine old ladies buying Depends

On the Tenth day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Ten cent commissions

On the Eleventh day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Eleven hundred piece trucks

On the Twelfth day of Christmas the Walgreens' god's gave to me: Twelve Screaming Children

Customer Rejects

It's Coat-back Mountain!