Spritzy's Message To Customers Entering Stores

Today at work I thought to ask the question...has hell frozen over?

Why no! Of course not! I'm just stuck at the front entrance all day hawking reward cards to every hapless soul who stumbles in the door.

Mind you all that this is Northern Illinois...in December. Today's weather called for a cheerful and balmy twenty degrees with a wind chill of seven degrees all topped off with a good 3-4 inches of blowing and drifting snow...snow that likes to drift right in the door and collect at my feet.

To the customers I encountered today, some etiquette and training for you.
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1. Do not...I repeat...do NOT stand in between the automatic doors causally talking with your cohorts in-person or on the phone...the doors will continue to stay open for that amount of time and the snow will continue to collect around my feet. My feet don't like snow.

2. To the children of these customers: The entrance is NOT an ideal place to throw a tantrum...kicking and screaming in the middle of the doorway will, yet again, cause the door to stay open and collect snow around my feet. Maybe someone will just walk up and snatch your spoiled rotten butt and then you'll REALLY have something to complain about.

3. Yes...it's cold standing at the door...please don't point out that fact to me for the 47th time...I kinda figured that out from my shivering and loss of feeling in my fingers and toes.

4. For that matter...don't you dare fucking complain to me that you're too warm. YOU are wearing a full length down lined coat, a wool hat, and fleece gloves and will be standing at the entrance for all of five minutes. I am wearing a light sweater and have to stand at the entrance for six hours. If you're too warm then I suggest we trade places for a couple hours.

5. No, I am not promoting a credit card...for once...thank God. Don't complain to me that you won't be able to get approved for the card...it's a damn points card...you get the card right away and it doesn't cost or charge you anything. Open your ears and listen.

6. No I do not care that these reward card programs are "secretly a covert-ops way to steal private personal information to be sold on the black market to terrorist funded programs" Cause it's not...go build yourself a tin-foil hat and keep your propagandist theories to yourself...I just work here.

7.Yes, I know that the sign-up form asks for a birthdate...don't get all huffy about it. I don't care how old you are. We don't have a "Wall of Old Farts" in the breakroom to mock the over 50 set (though maybe we should) it just asks your birthdate so the computer knows you're over 18.

8.No, your 6 year old cannot sign up for the card so they can have a pretend play credit-card, your kid prolly has enough damn toys that they don't need a frickin square of plastic.....

9. To those customers with children again...do not use me as your weapon or threat...I will not beat your child for you...I will not take away their toys or treats...and I will not steal them away from home forever...Your child is a snot-nosed brat and I want nothing to do with it.

10. Unless you're hearing impaired please give me the courtesy of at least acknowledging that I spoke to you...one of these days I'm gonna start offering free $100 bills just to see how many people blur right past me without even making eye contact.

11. If you do acknowledge me, please be nice about it. If you don't want the card then just say "no thanks"...don't scowl at me, don't bark a rude "NO!" don't interrupt me after two words to say you "don't want whatever that damn thing is"...trust me...I wouldn't be bothering you with it if I didn't have to do this and I don't care if you don't want it anyway...the polite people however, do keep my soul from freezing.

12. If you think that my purpose for standing at the door is to be propositioned or harassed you have obviously gone to the wrong place. This is a store entrance not a street corner... plus you're 73, fat, and smell like cat-pee...get the fuck away from me. Next time I'm packing a tazer.

-- Spritzy

Comments

[Burger Bitch]

Fuck me sideways, I shivered when I read that.
Those pointing out the obvious customers are the worst.
"YOU MUST BE COLD."
"YOU MUST BE RETARDED."

[N/A]

I hate it when people hold those doors open. Yes, doors are a great place for kids to lose it. Either you're trying to get them in to a store they don't want to go in or they're whining that they didn't get something in the store. How's about instead of letting them sit there letting the cold in or out (depending on season) you just pick them up? I don't mind them calming them inside when it's nasty out but at least move in a few feet so the doors can close.

And on a related note, don't take 20 minutes to put your kids in the shopping cart at the entrance. Not only does it hold the door open but you totally block anyone else from getting in. You can dump the kid in the carriage, move out of the way, and then strap them in once you're in a more open area. Or here's a crazy idea. If your kid is that hard to shoe horn in to the carriage it's probably because they're way too old to be sitting in the carriage. Sorry, once I start talking about carriages I start ranting. I've seen way too many kids injured by those things :-(

[Joe]

This really happened at a local Starbucks. It's all of 12 degrees outside with wind gusts of 30 mph. A 50-year old suit is holding the front door open while he yells into his cellphone.
20-something with dreadlocks: "Hey man, shut the door!"
Suit: "..."
Dreadlocks: "C'mon man, it's fuckin' freezing in here!"
Suit: "Hey, Bob Marley! Mind your own fucking business!"
That's when "Bob" grabbed Suit's phone and hurled it into the night. He went into a fighting stance and Suit decided discretion was the better part of valor.

[atombomb1945]

#9, My God! I used to hate having customers come up to me while jocking a register and say "If you don't start behaving, this man is not going to let you rent any games tonight." Really? Make me the bad guy so you can discipline your kid guilt free? I don't think so. My normal reply to these things were easy. "Aww that's ok, he didn't really mean to pitch a fit in the middle of the store. Did you? Here, have a free box of candy to go with your games tonight."

The one thing I hate these days are people who come out the entrance doors, and in the exit doors. When they run right into you, they read the riot act and get into a huff like it is your fault that they cannot read.

[Spritzy]

Atombomb1945: I once had a lady say to her kid, while standing right next to me, that if he didn't behave that she'd "let this worker here beat his ass" Part of me thought.."why gladly!" but most of me didn't want child services called on me.
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If we could drink on the job it would make a great drinking game at my store to see whoever tries to go in the exits (you can't go in the exits, they only open out) and take a shot for each ignoramous who walks into a out door. Double shot if they make multiple attempts at the same door.

[Pharmacy_psycho]

I feel really bad sometimes when shopping at my grocery store. I have to use one of the electric scooters because of my disability. If they load my groceries back into the scooter, I can drive it straight out to the lot. But if they load it into a separate trolley, I usually park it on the way out and then walk because one of the baggers helps me. Unfortunately, the way they have it set up, I have to back it into the space, with my service dog next to me... right in front of the entrance/exit doors. Obviously, whoever designed this was not disabled.

We had really cold temperatures and wind last night, and I know that the cashier at work was freezing and so was I (even my dog would shiver occasionally) because we were at the front of the store where the doors were. The sentence of the day... "Geez, it's cold out there!"

[N/A]

That whole in and out concept is just too much for some people. Our local target has doors on both sides of the elevator so you can just walk through rather than backing out with carriages. Really good system, makes life so much easier. Still you get idiots who can't figure out that they should exit through the door in front of them. One woman started lecturing me when my son walked in to the elevator before she got out and telling me how terrible it is that nobody has any manners anymore. I replied "you're the one exiting through the entrance. Isn't it sad that nobody can read signs anymore?" and pointed her in the right direction.

[mudflapgirl]

I have always wanted to paint the area in front of my store's entrance a neon orange.If any customer stands there longer than 5 seconds,they will hear this recording over our loudspeaker:"The idiot standing in the orange zone needs to hightail their annoying ass out of the zone right THE FUCK now.It is friggin cold outside and all the people INSIDE do not want to feeze to death.Thank you for shoppnig at ____ and MOVE!"

[BORDERlinePersonality]

i work in a bookstore that has a small cafe inside it and there is and emergency exit door in the cafe that has a loud-ass alarm that goes off whenever its opened because its supposed to be just for EMERGENCIES!!! but at least once a day we have some brain-dead moron walk out the door (which says in huge red letters EMERGENCY EXIT, DO NOT BLOCK, ALARM WILL SOUND etc.)and when the alarms goes off they just stand there with the door hanging open staring like a deer in headlights, uncomprehending. i just want to yell "close the f***ing door jacka**! that noise doesnt mean u won anything now get the hell out of the way so we can shut the damn alarm off, u twit!"