STUFF THAT MAKES A GAY HEART WEEP!

Hey RHUers! It's Freddy!

Many of you already know, but I wanted to shamelessly promote my new book to all of you!  

STUFF THAT MAKES A GAY HEART WEEP!

It's a fun humor book with a 150 things that make the gay heart weep - not to mention gag, puke, cry like a baby, and possibly run screaming into the street! Besides the weepy entries, I also took most of the crazy pics with my amazing photography skills and bad photoshopping!  

Thanks to Carolanne for taking the pic above at Urban Outfitters in SF!! So awesome to see it next to such great books as What's Your Poo Telling You and Position of the Day!

Below is a sample of the weepiness you'll find in STUFF THAT MAKES A GAY HEART WEEP!

No, I did not take the pic of SP aiming a fire arm, I'd probably be dead right now or my nuts would have been blown clean off! I did, however, take the scary manboobs pic (you should see the rest of him - talk about nauseous weeping!) 

Stuff That Makes a Gay Heart Weep is available at stores, but you can get it pretty cheap on Amazon - link is on RHU's sidebar. However, if you want to support your fellow slaves, I recommend buying it at Borders, Barnes and Noble, Kitson, or Urban Outfitters!

I've created a blog to go with Gay Heart and besides all of the superficial silly stuff we weep over, you'll find an exorbitant amout of weeping and wailing on issues, headlines, and videos!

Click the heart below to check out the blog. You might see a few RHU pics on there and if you see anything that makes your heart weep (you don't have to be gay) take a pic and and send it!

 

There's also news about my other book - that place we call HELL!!!!

 

RETAIL HELL, HOW I SOLD MY SOUL TO THE STORE, CONFESSIONS OF A TORTURED SALES ASSOCIATE

...is now out in PAPERBACK!!!!

For those of you that couldn't afford the pricey hardcover, it's now cheap! (check out Amazon's prices on the side bar!)

And for those of you RHUers who already bought the hardcover: Thank you from the bottom of my weary retail-trampled gay heart! xoxoxox!!!!! 

For those still hungry for more insanity at The Big Fancy Department Store, the publisher has added new material to the paperback!!!!

THE FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE BONUS SECTION!!

For Retail Hell's  Free Gift with Purchase Bonus Material, there's a rant about my Big Fancy employee number (don't we all just feel like freakin numbers sometimes?), some funny tales about how the Customer is Always Right (and what happens when I let them be right), my take on Shopper Do's and Don'ts, and even a readers guide!

Jason lived some of The Big Fancy hell with me, though he is not mentioned in the book, as he arrived in the Handbag Department at a later time.

Carolanne also worked with me and for those in the know her character in the book also starts with a C!

Slaving away beside the two of them (and several others) made life at The Big Fancy much more bearable. When Retail Hell strikes, it's going to be your coworkers and custy friends that help you get through it with laughter. In spite of the heinous Big Fancy trauma, we had many good times in the stockroom bitching and chuckling about the craziness of it all.

I want to thank all of you RHUers! Your stories, friendship, and support have kept me going and helped create this amazing place where we get to support each other and  say WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO SAY!

I've got some copies of Retail Hell to give away, so let's have the first contest!

Keeping in theme with my employee number rant titled "Branded By Numbers" tell me a short tale about your employee numbers (present or past!). Write it in the comments section here. Carolanne, Jason, Burger Bitch, and I will judge and the winner gets an autographed copy and their story published on Retail Hell Underground and The Retail Hell Book Blog! Be sure to leave your email address so we can contact you (it's not shown to the public).

And since we all know there is nothing more weepier than working in Retail Hell, below are a few new tales from my fellow gay retail slave brothers!

I hope you all survive the holidays and get to enjoy some time with your friends and family. It's a sucky time of year for people in the service industry, and I have not forgotten how exhausting it all is, having had to work Christmas Eve and the day after for decades. Know that RHU will be here for you to let it all out, make you laugh, or hopefully cheer you up!

Wishing you all a Retail Hell-Free Holiday Season! Merry Christmas to those of you that celebrate it, and may the New Year bring everything you dream of!(yes that includes winning the lottery so you can retire!)

Keep on Keepin on RHUers!

xoxo

--Freddy

a.k.a Freeman =D

Cheers everyone! Merrry Fucking Christmas!! How did I get through my Retail Hell Holidays? With my old retail friends Jack Daniels and Thera-flu!

 

Let's have another contest! You may have seen this freaky custy head in some of the pics accompanying stories. Jason and I got creative with a Halloween prop, and created a crazy lady for RHU.

And now, it's your job to NAME her!!

Once again Carolanne, Jason, Burger Bitch, and I will choose and be sure to leave your email!

 

She looks to be an entitled Bloodsucking Discount Rat or possibly a descendent from any of the Bitch Families: Nasty, Picky, Rude, Mean, Huge, or the most popular, Fucking.

 

The cool thing about RHU's crazy lady head is you can tilt her a different angles and get seamingly different expressions! It's crusty magic!

 

Crusty want a treat? Good Crusty! Stop yer bitchin and don't shit in any fitting rooms and if you behave nicely, you'll get one.

 

NAME RHU'S crazy lady head!

P.S. To keep it fair if someone has already posted a name you wanted, come up with a new one. If there are duplicate names the first poster will win.

The contests will run through Wednesday.

Also - please post employee number tales and names here in the comments section. Don't send emails. This way everyone can read the contenders!

 

 

Comments

[LazyTelephone]

I am 52-56-64. My supervisor at my first job made everyone's numbers what she perceived to be their measurements. I was the first male to work there thus I got mine made the same way.

Also the lady's name is Isabella NAFT

[Heather]

I'm thinking she looks like a Maude. "Mad Maude" to be exact.

[Nicole]

Bitch Bag Bertha.

[PatientVengeance]

Angry Anal Retentive Agatha

[Bingo Worker]

Gah! Someone already took Bertha! Umm...

Gloria! Goddamn Gloria!

[chp]

Her name should be Bathsheba.

[Aunty]

I second Nicole's suggestion.

[ShoeDevil]

Gruesome Gertrude

[Spritzy]

I'd name the lady
Miss Agnes Lorraine Pipplebottom the Third...

Agnes: And don't you dare say "pimplebottom"! What do you think I am? some sort of blemish of society!?
Employee: ...er...ahem...excuse me for a moment. *runs to the back to laugh their face off*

News That Night: And in other news today, an elderly woman, well known for her terrible treatment of retail slaves, was accidentaly decappitated after she scorend one too many employees for accidentaly calling her "Pimplebottom" Witnesses say that the accident was simply the removal of a blemish on society. No investigation will be held cause no one gives a damn about this bitchy old hag. And now for the weather!

[Redheadactress]

My numbers that I cannot tell for the sake of security mean the order we got hired. Because we have to remember these numbers to get our schedule, call in, etc, makes me feel nothing more than an orc from Lord of the Rings- like I am not important, they can duplicate me, and I am just what the number says I am. And when I die, the other orcs will eat my flesh for their meat.

As for the head, I am going to say name her Granny Discount Rat since she looks like she is on the look constantly for one (hence the red eyes) and most discount rats end up being old people.

[wolfycat]

My employee number is about 6 or 7 digits long, and we have to use it every time we clock in/out, and when we sign in to our registers. On your receipt, it will say that your cashier was a long ass number instead of a name. One time I was working in fitting room and this lady was handing me her stuff back, and at first I thought she was staring at my boobs. Then she says "You cashiered for me a week ago and you made me break my candles! I remember my receipt!" Stalker much? Now I wear my nametag with the side that doesn't show my number.

I think the crazy custy is Doña Bathilda La Cabeza de Chinga. Affectionately known as BATTY FUCKHEAD!

[Self Scan Queen]

My official employee number is unknown. When we fill out corporate surveys, everyone looks blankly at one another and skips that part. All the staff with cashier numbers and override numbers consider those to be their employee numbers. Because I work self scan/unofficial supervisor, I have both. And every time I go on leave to go back to school, they deactivate my numbers and I have to get new ones when I go back. The first 3 digits are what we consider to be employee numbers, so in the last year or so, I have been 230, 269, 256, 202 and 254. Not to mention my override numbers, which are three digits long...but the employee numbers associated with them are completely different. My last one was 498, but the actual number I used to sign was definitely not that.

I am not only expected to remember all of these numbers but when they change them, I must immediately forget the old and use the new. This wouldn't be so bad if one week after I started for the summer break, they had changed everyone's numbers (Me: MINE ARE NEW! Why are you changing them?) and they had assigned one of my old ones to someone else. I used it to override a bunch of things before I realized it wasn't mine any more. And I was the one who got sniped at for not having a new override number assigned, because someone hadn't bothered to tell me that my override had changed too.

[Skittles]

I think you should name waffles. Because no one is afraid of waffles then she wouldn't be so scary.

[Hiedi]

Just bought this for my kindle last night-got through half the book so far. I'm laughing and crying right along with you. So much truth!!

[The Admiral]

I don't have a number, and I don't have a name suggestion, but I have to say this - Aretha Franklin wants her hat back.

[Tutor Stupor]

Name: I like Lilith. Like... biblical Lilith. :/ Or McCuntyfuckfacewhorecocksuckingstupiddickwadlamefacesuckmydick.

Story: Every store I have ever worked at has used all or part of my social security number, zip code, or phone number as my employee ID. Why the fucking hell can't they at least get creative? Sure, I guess it cracks down on the number of numbers that I have to memorize, but still. :/ Can't they come up with something interesting?

[Nocturnesthesia]

Agatha Crusty?

Or Dorcas. she definitely looks like a Dorcas.

[Luna the Second]

Hephzibah the nit-picky bitch and time sucker.

[diamondcait]

My employee number for 12 years was CLD213. Another jewelry survivor still calls me that to this day (6 years into another store, which has no computer system).
As for our new madam, her name is BSC Betty Washenset, for Bat-shit crazy Betty (and the once a week hairdo she undoubtedly gets before coming in to hagle and harrass poor wage slaves.

[NC Tony]

Freaky Frieda. It's the eyes. And that hat.

[NumismaticNerd]

For the head: CRUELLA!

And for the employee number thing. I honestly forget what mine was at either of my places that HAD employee numbers, but at Hell-Mart, the nametag could be worn on a lanyard, which I did. There was a barcode on the back, and it kept scanning, and obviously 'item not found' since it's a barcode to login, not a shopping barcode. So one day this lady comes up, and I start ringing her out. Of course my nametag scans itself, I laugh and say something stupid like 'I guess you want to buy me!'
and she asked how much I cost... not in a joking way, but in a serious way.

[moxyonregister]

My employee number, for a while, was my social security number. Before I passed probation, they wouldn't get us real printed name tags because they take forever to make and are expensive. Try typing your social security number right there by the main lobby of the store! CREEPY! When they finally threw me on register, they told me I had to give them a number to be my log on. I had to supply 4 digits, so I went with my dead grandfather's badge number (yes, I pretty much use this for everything. '_') so we typed it in to set up, but the first number apparently can't be a zero, so I pushed the zero to the back (Ex. 0224 becomes 2240). BUT now, every time I try to log onto my Ipod (OR MY ATM!!!) I always type in my register number, and vice versa. Numbers, be darned.

[CursedCheckoutGirl]

When I started working retail five years ago, my employee number was 665. It entertained me, until we changed the way we clocked in and out from typing in our numbers at the timeclock to logging in with a fingerprint. Now it's 0027. I liked the old one better.

[BookAce]

My employee number was 62. I didn't like it. It felt like a boring number to me. But I took it, secretly jealous of those with numbers like 33, 13 and 42.

Luckily! (or unluckily?) the register I normally used stopped registering my Rewards Card transactions. Why? I don't know! One day it just stopped and my Rewards numbers went from 60-70% to zero. When corporate got mad at my awful numbers, I proved via register tape that I wasn't slacking off. (Somewhat insulted that they didn't believe me when I told them something was wrong...but that's corporate for you.)

Since nobody knew at the time that it was the register's fault, they finally just gave me a new number. I hit the jackpot! I got 49. Not only is it a square root, but 7 is the number that creates it, and everyone knows 7 is lucky! And 4+9 equals 13.

I've typed my number with pride ever since.

[jr]

Congrats on the books and everything!!

Some Jack D for me too please, it's 3 am and i can't sleep :(

[Queer Geek]

As for the head, I'd call her Miss Nip/Tuck because she reminds me of the various ladies who have pulled and tightened and grace their presence of my Big Fancy.

As for employee numbers, I get constant calls concerning customer receipts for certain items and when I ask them to give me the sku of the item description over the phone, they always read off the employee number. No wonder the product comes up invalid in our system!

[piddlemonster]

Mrs. Cunty McBitchy

[Humor_Me]

I only had true employee numbers when I worked at K-mart and Lowes. Kmart was the only one where they made us use it over the intercom though; "Number 94 to the register, please." At Lowes we were called by our names, but only used our numers to clock in and out. I have no clue what my number was back then. All the other jobs I've had have been name based, thank heavens as they have been small companies.

As for the crusty mask, I wanted to name it after my mother, but I was afraid it would turn up in a search engine eventually and get me in trouble, so I guess I'll have to pass. It so reminds me of how she looked when I... well... I probably should discuss all the details or the police might get more suspicious....

[Dan @ the desk]

I would call her Edna. Just Edna.

As for an employee number, mine is lame. To clock in at the hand scanner it is 0112 but on my checks I am employee number 123. I sincerely hope the one on the check is real, lol.

[Bitch Boy]

Head name: Crazy Hat Lady

Reason: I have known several Crazy Hat Ladies and at ANY time can they be cheap, aggressive, passive-aggressive, judgmental, super-religious nut jobs, or even bat-shit insane!

Numbers: I don't want to play this game; I've just gotten used to having a name plate...

[Freddy]

Okay RHUers! I gave it a few extra days and now I will close out the contest. So posts after this won't be eligible, but you can still leave comments! We will judge the entries and announce the winners next week! I'll also have a new juicy fun contest! Happy Holidays everyone!