NC Tony's Gift List For Retail Slaves 2010

NC Tony here with "Things I Wish We Really Had". This stems from the wish list of pretty much every retail slave.

These gifts will be good all year round.

Spines: These will be given out to all managers who side with the asshole customer instead of the sales associate who is only following orders, only to have the asshole manager ignore company policy and give the asshole customer what they want.

Managers who already have spines will be upgraded to a set of balls of steel.

Cell Phone Killers: These will be installed in cash registers. When a customer is within five feet of the register the signal will start to break up, if they have not gotten the clue, then at two feet the signal cuts out altogether dropping the call, no matter what carrier you have. There is no app for that.

Age Specific Pacifiers: For hellspawn of course. If parents don't bother to bring something to keep their kids occupied, then depending on the age of the child, something is given to them to keep them from running around, destroying the store and annoying the other customers. Something cheap, it might break when they get it home, but while they're in the store it'll keep them from being hellspawn. Well behaved children will be given something cool.

Shopping Carts: But not just any shopping carts, well behaved customers will find their shopping carts run nice and smooth.

Rude, nasty customers will find that their carts are always wobbly, at least one wheel spins around like there's a windstorm going on three inches above the ground, the cart leans to either the left or right, and every now and then lets out an ear splitting squeal. How will this work? Remote controls carried by all store personnel, it looks like a car remote (or built into your name tag). Simply aim it at a cart and hit the button when a customer turns into a crusty.

AI Alarm Systems: This will be a voice activated system that will let security know exactly what the customer looks like when a theft is suspected. It will be available in a variety of voices, all of which are loud and obnoxious. They will work hand in hand with the new AI security cameras that track suspicious customers, so not every customer who's merchandise was accidentally not deactivated is accused of theft.

AI Security Cameras: As stated above, these will track suspicious customers who may turn out to be NATs. They will also watch for customers who put stuff back wherever, or place their empty cups, soda cans and other trash on shelves instead of in garbage cans. It will also call them out:

"Hey, Vinnie Slobarino! There's a garbage can three feet to your right/left/behind you! Use it!"

"Is that where you got that? No? Then put it back where you found it!"

AI Cash Registers: Along with the ability to kill cell phone signals registers will also do what cashiers can't do... talk back. When customers start arguing prices, or just being a general pain in the ass the register will speak up!

"Yes, ma'am, I know the pants are 50% off, it'll be taken off at the end of the sale, now shut up and let the employee get back to work."

"Hey, slow down there flash! Keep your coupons until the END of the transaction, s/he's only got two hands."

"The money goes in the cashiers hand, not on the counter."

"Hey stupid, don't put the money on the belt!"

"Hey stupid, don't put your kid on the belt, this is a department/grocery store, not an amusement park ride!"

They can also scan ID's to let you know if they're real or fake.

Clue By Fours: Whenever a customer starts acting like a grade A douche, the sales associate can take this stick and whack the customer in the head. It will knock a little common sense into the customer to make them realize that they're being an idiot, and in most cases shut them up so the rest of the sale goes smoothly.

Mandatory sales floor work for corporate: Black Friday. All regular sales associates get the day off to spend with their families. Also every weekend in December and the week after Christmas.

Alternate versions will be made for those who work in phone sales/tech support (if a customer swears at you three times the call is automatically terminated) and food service (the register/server's order book will record each order so when the customer argues "That's not what I ordered" you can play back their order to prove to them that it is in fact exactly what they ordered).

So... what'd I miss?

--NC Tony

 

 

 

Comments

[Kunoichi Cook]

Hahaha...I love it. I don't think that list could be any more perfect. =D

[Marc]

They do actually make "Cell Phone Killers". They're about the size of a cell phone, and jam cell transmissions within a small radius by overloading the radio frequencies they operate on.

They're not entirely legal in the U.S. but easily and safely ordered online. If I had purchased and used one, hypothetically, I could probably tell you that it's the best $23.97 I might have ever spent.

[CiCi]

All I really need is the big stick to hit douchey customers.

[Cou]

I can't think of anything to add, except maybe an upgrade. Instead of a Clue by Four can it be a Cluebar? Or a Cluepipe? Wood can warp and split on thick custy heads. Metal is much more durable :3

[Jereer]

Can I have a spine as well, even though I'm not a manager? I don't want to be greedy, so in return you can have... um... well, I can't give you alcohol because I'm opposed, but how about chocolate? Will that do? I think every retail worker needs a nice supply of gourmet chocolate.

[Fellow Slave]

Yeah, I think I need a spine sometimes too.
Although today was nice. Had a problem, sort of had a solution in mind, but wanted to make sure it was cool. Called manager. Manager said that sounds fine and see "you know what to do to fix it". Was a bit odd of a fix, but that's the only way to get the register to go. I guess just internally I sometimes worry that LP will come to chase me down for something outside of the realm of normal. But we've probaly got a huge gray area that encompasses the realm of normal. Ha Ha.

[Joe the Cigar Guy]

How about translation software for those AI cash registers?

[Humor_Me]

What about:

Truth detector for douchey coworkers who just want to take the day off?

Ejection device (pack of rabid Labradoodles) for customers that WON'T LEAVE when its closing time?

Fitting rooms that sprout fire hoses when disgusting custys use them for bathrooms?

[Riferous]

I love the clue by four. I already posted it to my Facebook page. I will have to remember that one.

[Mouse Mastered]

Long distance tasers for LP/security. Accurate to 350 yards, and homes in on an IR/Radio tracker tag put into all merchandise. =3

[TechDeath]

Coupons that self destruct by shredding when expired unless deactivated by being scanned.

[Queer Geek]

I want a taser gun to use on NATS that seem to always come back. These little nasty ass thieves are like cockroaches, they won't die!

[WMDKitty]

I NEED a Clue-by-Four.

Damn, if I had a dime for every stupid question I've answered about my disability...

[Hellbound Alleee]

No, no, no, leave the Corporate people where they belong. In fact, suspend visits for when I'm there. I don't want to have to talk to those people, who just walk around the store yapping anyway. If they were supposed to work on Black Friday, they'd just waste our time doing their own version of "work:" walking around and penalizing all the slaves who don't glad-hand and kiss their soft asses and manicured hands.

[The Dukenator]

@CiCi Wouldn't that same stick also be used for managers?

@Humor_Me Then you could say: "Release the hounds!"

@Mouse Mastered Why not a dye pack that explodes in their pants detonated by remote?

[Logan]

For the cellphone killers, I would make them to cut off immediately. No signal starting to break up to give them a hint, because we know how stupid they are anyway. If the signal starts to break up they'll just start yelling into the phone.

[Logan]

Oh, and if you can't insist that customers put on training collars when they walk in, then outfit the cart and basket handles to emit a shock when the custies do something wrong, we can train them through negative enforcement.

[BookAce]

That list is amazing. I want to order up a spine for my manager and a clue-by-four for myself and each of my cool co-workers. (The jerky ones can go without.) And the idea of corporate workdays makes me cackle with glee. I wish!

Some sort of tracking device for books would be handy too, with the way custys are always rearranging them.

[Marvinator]

I can't add anything to that because of the incredibly wide use of the Clue-By-Four. A definite cure all for any custy problem.

I want one! (In black...thanks...)

[FLGlamazon]

How about a trap door @ the register for those crusty old biddys who argue about everything,insisting that they KNOW more than you (I only work here full time, more than the owner, crusty).
And a combo siren/loudspeaker that detects the slobs who break zippers by snausaging their piggy selves into too-small sizes- a LOUD voice would demand "cash or charge?" after they are magically trapped in said fitting room.

[Skittles]

You know whats really cheap and keeps hellspawn from running around like rabid weasels? Duct tape cheap, effective and I bet one role would work for about three kids.

[formerly officegirl]

this was awesome :D totally made my day a little bit better!

[NC Tony]

@ Hellbound Alleee: On corporate workdays, the regular slaves get the day off. So they can see that the bullshit policies they set up from their cushy offices don't work in the real world. I'd love to have seen some corporate bigwig down in the trenches this past Black Friday, in the electronics department with everyone and their grandmother killing each other to get a Kinnect or PlayStation Move and then blaming the corporate asshole when they're all sold out.

[Mouse Mastered]

@ Dukenator: Well, yeah, but that still doesn't exactly stop them from moving. Tasers do. =D

[Humor_Me]

@Dukenator: I had that in the back of my mind when I said that, and I have a special dislike for Labradoodles. After all if one of them should decide to fight back and harm one, why not the admitted mistake of the "inventor"?

[slave1]

a transporter device that will send people to other already closed stores, public facilities ...without their clothes guaranteeing that they will never be allowed anywhere ever again

[Ruben]

Our bikes were: Orbit Romany with various miafiicdtion (Orbit is a framemaker based in Sheffield, UK) and a Surly Long Haul Trucker. It took about 6 months.