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Hellbound Alleee


"It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now."

----RIP Leslie Nielson.


The only (work appropriate) responses I have for these people are, "I beg your pardon?" and, "I'm sorry, what was that?" repeated as often as necessary. Yes, I know I am passive-aggressive:)


My general idea when people say this (e.g. "Girls coat, 9-10, zip)
is "Yup, I think we have those."
This forces them to use real sentences xD


I would correct them like you'd correct a child learning to talk properly, by modeling the correct sentence structure and grammar.

Child- I goed to the park!
Parent - you went to the park? That's nice.

Crusty- envelopes!
Retail slave - do you need some assistance finding envelopes?


I would get this with people looking for clothing for their sons. These sons ranged in age from 9 to 15.

Custy: Where's your boy's clothing?
Me: What age is he?
Custy gives weird look but gives an age from 9-15
Depending on their answer, I would either send them back to Kiddyland or up to Men's.

Granted my people weren't blurters but I would like to point people to the correct area the first time.


I would ask size rather than age there Kitkat. My son is five but until his recent growth spurt he could fit in a size three. Even now I'm likely to buy a three or even a two in shorts because he's a skinny wee thing and he has pairs in sizes 12-18 and 18-24 months that still fit. On the other hand, pajamas are sized so small that he's been wearing a size five in those for a year now and they're getting too short. I've been buying his PJs in the big boys section for about two years but I still occasionally visit the little boys section for other stuff.

Stepford Snarker

I hate blurters. More than once, I've had someone say "Bread" or "Ice." I've wanted to say, "No, I'm Stepford Snarker. But some of my friends do call me Bread."


When customers blurt out the names of random items, I assume they want to play the free association game and will blurt items right back. For example:

Customer: Hammer.
Me: Yarn!
Customer: Uhhhhhrm, hammer...
Me: Polka dots!
Customer: What?
Me: Aged sharp white cheddar?
Customer: ...
Me: I win!


I've had this happen. I turn it into a "Jeopardy" question.

For example:

Me: "What are things that start with 'E'?"


Little Mall Worker

My favorite is:
Custy: Clocks.
Me: What type?
Custy: Clocks.

And the dance begins...


@sunshineravioli - laughing hysterically. You just MMD :)

Dinner Theatre Slave

How about serving when you say "Hi, how is everyone doing today?" or whatever and you get "Coffee" in response? I've started saying things like "I'm doing fine myself, not coffee, but I suppose that's good to hear. Can I get you something to drink?" or things to that effect.

Even worse is when someone just rattles the ice in their drink at you instead of asking for another. In that case, I just look around kind of blankly and say "Hmm, I wonder what that sound is. Would anyone like anything else? Another drink?"

Use your words, crusties.


I work at a coffee shop in canada and a lot of the times I've had people ask for 'large coffee' and don't tell me what's in it. I've worked there for long enough to just make it black and if they tell me otherwise, I'll give them cream and sugar on the side.


I'm in agreement with all the above. Usually, I would respond with information. After all, that's what they are giving me.

Custy: Envelopes.
Me: Used for mailing.

other times I've gone to the obscure.

Custy: Envelopes.
Me: Nice to meet you. May I ask, why you use only the first initial when introducing yourself, Mr. Velopes? I usually give my first name only. Hi I'm marv. (offers hand) What can I help you with today?
Custy: Envelopes
Me: Yes, we've established that your name is N. Velopes. My name is Marv. Again, how may I be of assistance?

Other times I've actually gotten to the point.

Custy: Envelopes
Me: I'm not sure what you'e asking. Perhaps if you restated what you need in the form of a full sentence or question, it would be better for all concerned. '

Lastly, I do like the free association. I may use that someday.


I've thought about going with my inner Googleosity:


"About 18,400,000 results (0.12 seconds), sir"

"Index cards!"

"About 17,500,000 results (0.20 seconds), ma'am"

Eventually they'll either learn to talk like a human or they'll learn to blurt in boolean:

"index cards AND 3x5 NOT blue"


Perhaps I believe you misspelled 'gramartard' not sure but how, you seem to have gotten i,z,a,and an n in there.


Ceeburr- When I'm ordering coffee I just ask for a large coffee most places. If I know it's one of the few places that put milk and sugar in I'll specify a black coffee but I can only think of one place that actually does that. I'd also assume that someone ordering just coffee would want it black anyway since they're not asking for any additions. The only phrase I would be careful with is "regular coffee" since that means different things in different areas. I once had a conversation with a woman online who was complaining that she ordered a "regular coffee" in a coffee shop and received milk and sugar. In her area that phrase meant black caffeinated coffee but she was in an area where regular means cream and sugar. Of course she blamed the slave for getting it wrong, daft cow.


When customers would do this to me, I'd stand up straight and enthusiastically say something like, "It would be my pleasure to assist you in locating the envelopes! Right this way, sir," with a big, bright smile. The key is to keep any hint of sarcasm from edging into your voice, face, or body language; you have to be totally earnest and sincere. In my experience, customers who didn't mean to be rude in the first place were always nice to Andalusia the Articulate Sunshine Robot. And the truly rude customers just seemed a little embarrassed.


hahahah i love the bing commercial idea

NC Tony

I love the idea in responding back like a search engine, it might make them think twice about blurting out one or two words in regards to what they want. Then there's the simple but sarcastic response a friend of mine gave to a blurter.

Blurter: Pants.

Friend: What about them?

Blurter: Where are they?

Friend: Depends on who they're for.

Blurter: What?

Friend: Are they for you, your wife, your kids?

Blurter: Me, of course.

Friend: Well why didn't you say so? Follow me please.

Bored at the Bookstore

Customer on phone: "I'm wondering if you have a book?"

Bookseller: "Yes, about 50,000 of them."

Customer: "Uhhhh..."


I hate the blurters who walk in and get no further than next to the drop-box just inside the store. They are literally BLOCKING said drop-box with the lower half of their body.

They stand there forever, staring down the back of our heads, daring one of us to turn around and glance at them. They lie in wait regardless of how long the line is. They get angrier by the moment the longer they're blissfully ignored by me and my fellow slaves.

We know what they want...it's what they all want. We just hope that perhaps they'll figure it out on their own one day.

With their patience pushed to the limit they snap, bellowing out with a deafening, and mighty roar:


To which my fellow slaves and I reply in unison:

"It's right in front of you."


I usually look down at my nametag and say, "No, 'Riferous'".


Thoughts off the top of my little pointy head:

"You asked for envelopes; I told you they were in aisle thirteen."

"Wrong, guess again."



Argh - do not use angle brackets. That last one should have been:

[point to location of envelopes without looking]


I give them a blank stare with a "What about them/it?"

Su Chan

That's pretty rude when people can't even put together a simple question.

Or maybe it's reflection of today's micro-info, sound bite, tweeting society where all information is exchange in 140-character or single-word exchanges.

Book Baby

I have always wanted to use this snappy come back when a patron calls in and asks, "Do you have books on Minnesota (or Washington, or Nevada or insert state here)?"

"Nope! We have books on every other state though!"

No, I have never, ever done it. Just desperately wanted to!


At my restaurant(a pizza buffet), I'll be standing at the buffet asking people if they need anything/how they're doing, normally they will respond. For some reason others will ignore me and whisper to the person next to them," I wish they had X pizza out." Really? If you asked me I would gladly help you, it's what I'm there for. If you can talk to me like an adult. The only blurter problem I have is when people come in for a take out order. They will walk in and when I say hello, they say their name. I respond with, "Hi, Name how can I help you?"


Blurter: Incent
me- I'm sorry, We have Incense over there (pointing) under the big red Incense sign. The packages with the red labels. However we do not have Incent- that is a bug killer.

(it is- look it up)

BackHole Whore

OOOOO, I got a few. Of course I work drive thru so I get examples like:

"Fry" Really, what size?

"#2 w/ a drink." Really? What the fuck to drink moron? Of course the response is "a soda".

"Shake" "Double" Basic stuff like that. You get the hint.


@NA: We ask people to specify if they wanted anything in their coffee/tea/etc because sometimes people honestly forget, and it would ruin our times to remake everything at the window. Although when every other order is ordering 50 sammiches, that happens anyways... Depending on the context, "regular" means 3 different things at Tim Hortons: medium-sized (i.e. I'll have a regular double-double), single-single (I'll have a large regular), or non-decaf (this is generally only used when they've ordered a decaf previously). So we always ask for clarification if it's a little more obscure, like when they say "regular coffee". Herp.

Funniest example of that someone said "large coffee, single". She assumed he meant "single-single", right? Nope. Next guess would be a single cream. Nope. What was the correct answer? Single sugar. How the FUCK were we supposed to figure that out?! People are retarded >_>


@sunshineravioli ~ Bwahahahahahaha...*snerk-gasp!*...hahahahaha!!! That's great!

A Supermarket Slave

I saw my Dad order dinner at a restaurant that way:

Cashier: Hi, how are you?

Dad: Rump steak.

Cashier: Sorry?

Dad: Rump steak, medium rare. Salad side dish. *continues ordering another 2 mains*

I think I salvaged the situation by being super polite and using sentences, whilst cringing inwardly.


"I would correct them like you'd correct a child learning to talk properly, by modeling the correct sentence structure and grammar."

Ha! That's what I do sometimes. Not just for the sake of getting them to speak to me like a human being, but because I really, truly do need more information. Half the time someone will come up to me and say "Goldfish!"

And I'm thinking in my head, "Okay, does this person want to buy a goldfish, is he having trouble with his pet goldfish, does he need goldfish supplies, does he just have general questions about goldfish, does he need to know where they are so he can look at them..."

Or my personal favorite, when people walk into our huge pet store where the entire left half of the store is devoted entirely to dog products, the back half of which is edible dog products, and say, "Dog food."

Sometimes I feel like a magician who keeps pulling a multi-colored scarf out of his pocket when talking to these people. "Okay, dog food. What type? Um, for a puppy. Okay. What brand are you looking for? You don't care. Alright, what price are you looking to spend? Sorry sir, a grunt is not a valid measurement of payment."

And the questions just have to keep coming, because even making sure I use open questions that cannot be answered with a yes or no just yield "I dunno."

Bitch Boy

First, I nominate Sunshineravioli as the winner.

Second, oh do I have a bunch; but we'll trim it down to two:

Customer: [mutters single word]
Me: Beg pardon?
Customer: [mutters single word again]
Me: Beg pardon?
(repeat ad nauseum)


Customer: [mutters single word]
Me: [blank stare]

Usually they'll just walk away from the blank stare but I had one stand there for 10 minutes repeating just a single word over and over again. Had my manager in fits of laughter.

Strange Ambition

"Olives!" She exclaimed, with her index finger pointed straight at the heavens. Only olives could ensure her salvation.


The oddest thing I've been called at work?


Also, he was saying it half behind my back, not very loudly, and technically I didn't work for the supermarket anyway (I worked in EAS tagging for a theft prevention company). He said it twice before I even realised he was talking to me.

I have to assume the guy and his wife were somewhat socially challenged - otherwise, why keep repeating the single word when it must have been obvious I didn't even know I was being addressed (unless he seriously thought it was my name, har har har....ahem)


I got a few of those at the Bullseye. Usually, I would just blurt out the location and walk off to get the rest of my work done. Hey, if they're going to be rude, then you have to find a creative way to give them a taste of their own medicine.


Office Supply Slave

And I thought I was the only one who encountered these cretins. Doesn't anybody say "Excuse me" anymore? I like the idea of doing like the Bing commercials and I may employ that the next time I encounter a Blurter, which is coincidentally in approximately 10 hours. Excuse me while I go cry until then.


I had one of these days once in a dollar store I worked at. Let me break it down for you.

Custy: *standing over me while I put out stock* "TOOTHPASTE!"

Me: *confused* "What?"


Me: *now ticked off* "TASTES GOOD! Are we playing Mad Libs????"

Custy: *uncomfortable* "Where is the toothpaste?"

Me: "The toothpaste is located on the left side of aisle 2, halfway down."

Custy: *walks away*

Co-worker: *high fives me as she walks by* "Nice."


On the flip side, let's say you are a completely nice/sweet/well mannered customer and it goes like this:

Me: Excuse me?

Worker: Yeah

Me: Could you tell me where I might find eraseable pens?

Worker: I'm not sure, someone else was looking for them earlier. (please note this person was stocking the office supply area).

Or you get the person that you can tell even though you are polite, say please, thank you, etc that they just don't care?


I either use the "What about it/them?" response with blurters. They are awful.


I worked 10 years at StubGangster's call center, so I lost count of the times I had a customer bark "TWO TICKETS!" at me when I picked up the phone, and then get offended when I asked for which event in which city.

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