Greetings, RHU! Long-time reader, first-time poster. My coworker and girlfriend Cou has had a few things posted here, and I think it's my turn to join in the fun.
I work at a small card and gift store that my grandparents opened almost 20 years ago. My grandpa died in 1998, but my grandma still runs it along with my mother.
Our customer base is mainly comprised of: old people that think they're better people than me just because they've managed to keep breathing for 70 straight years (this was especially fun when I started running the registers at the age of 12), immigrants who think a basic knowledge of the main language of the country they decided to move to is unnecessary, and gambling addicts. All but two of my coworkers are pathetically incompetent, but these are all stories for another day.
The store’s in a strip mall with a badly designed parking lot. The path in front of the stores is barely wide enough to fit two cars, but this doesn't stop the dozens of idiots a day that park there, and the hundreds that think they can idle in a driving path waiting for someone to enter or exit the car.
Apparently "NO PARKING: FIRE ZONE" means "NO PARKING unless you're only going to go in the stores for a few minutes for a few things and you really really really don't want to park properly and walk 50 yards because it's cold or raining and your convenience is more important than the law and the safety of everyone inside the stores and the convenience of everyone trying to drive in the lot."
Anyway, I go on my lunch break one day. I punch out, walk down to the deli, see a line out the door, and start walking back when I see this old jackass (hereafter referred to as "Twunt") parked in front of the store.
I've been working there for almost a decade and I've never seen someone park in the fucking sidewalk like this. I've seen SUVs that hop the curb a bit, and a few dumbasses that park their motorcycles against the buildings like they're bicycles, but never someone that tried to fit an entire car where people are trying to walk.
He must have thought that it's okay to park in a fire zone as long as most of his car isn't actually in the fire zone. I think, "Cou will get a laugh/facepalm out of this twunt" so I snap a picture to send to her. I turn to go into the store and out of the corner of my eye I see Twunt pulling off the curb to go park. Whoops, he saw me despite my best efforts to hide behind a support column.
I go back into the store, punch in, and go behind the counter when I see Twunt walking into the store.
He goes and finds what must have been his wife. I'm more focused on the line of people, but once I have a clear counter, they both come up to me. Once I see them together and not behind a windshield that probably hadn't been cleaned in years, I recognize him. Mr. and Mrs. Twunt are semiregular customers. I see them maybe once a month, but they stand out due to being complete assholes. They do things like yell across the store for help, cut lines, and always try to grab multiple free datebooks.(see: http://www.retailhellunderground.com/my_weblog/2010/09/card-store-hell-custys-abusing-coupons.html)
Twunt's normally got a huge stick up his ass, but he's actually acting pretty nice right now. He must think I'm trying to get him arrested or something. This will be fun.
Twunt: "Excuse me sir, did you take a picture of my car?"
Me: *playing dumb* "What car?"
Twunt: "The one I parked on the curb. Did you take a picture of it?"
Me: "Is that a problem?"
Twunt: "I saw you walking outside and you did something with your phone. I'm just wondering if you took a picture."
He's starting to break. This will be fun.
Me: "Well, I was just on my break, and whatever I may have done was outside store property, off working hours. I'm not going to answer to that. If you'd like to buy something, I can help you with that, otherwise-"
Twunt: *grabs two cards from his wife's hands and slams them on the counter. The mask slips* "Yeah, here, I'm buying this. Did you take a picture of my car? Because I don't give you permission to and I don't want a $50 ticket."
Me: "Sir, if I did take a picture of you, it's not illegal. I purchased a camera, and I can use it in any circumstance where there's no reasonable expectation of privacy. In future, if you don't want a parking ticket, maybe you shouldn't park where you know you're not supposed to."
Twunt: "What? You can't take a picture of a fat person and put it on the internet!"
Huh? He's about to start yelling, and I can see his face starting to redden.
Me: "Um, yes you can, as long as there's no libelous intent or direct monetary gain, there's no restrictions on circulating a picture. That'll be $3.57, by the way." *puts out hand for the money*
Twunt: *takes a $5 bill out of his wallet, slams it on the table* "What, are you a law student at John Jay?! Just tell me if you took a picture of my goddamn car and license plate!"
He's pissed. Time to coup de grâce this. Also, note that John Jay Law School is in New York City, which I definitely don't live in commuting distance to.
Me: *speaking as fast as possible* "Again, I am under no legal or moral obligation to disclose the activities of my personal life, and quite frankly, you following me to my place of work to confront me constitutes harassment. Furthermore, you're in no risk of a fine, as police cannot act on a violation that wasn't personally witnessed by an officer or recorded by an official traffic camera. In future, you should refrain from breaking the law to any extent for any reason in accordance with the social contract between the government and the people as conceived by John Locke and instituted by the Constitution. If you continue to harass me at my place of work for a personal matter, I will take legal action." *slows down* "Your change back is $1.43." *places the money on the counter, right where he put his, despite his outstretched hand* "Have a nice day!"
I'm pretty sure all he heard was snippets of legal terms and me threatening to call the cops on him. He turns beet-red and starts shaking out of anger. I could tell he was using all of his self-control to not punch me in the face, which was disappointing because I'd love an excuse to break his arm.
After about 15 seconds, he scrapes his change off the counter and walks out, dragging his wife with him.
Haven't seen him in the store since.