Funny and Awesome Customer Tales Remembered By Borders Slave

From BookAce:

I know, back again so soon? Yes, with some partial good news!

Preparing for Hoarders eventual collapse, I'd been sending out resumes for awhile. One of them paid off and I’m starting work as a slave for a new store next week. I’ll call it Office Hellpot since I’m not sure if this particular office supply company has a nickname yet. On one hand I’m very relieved and thankful to have a job to transition to when Hoarders finally bites the dust, on the other I’m very nervous about the new place.

I wonder how I’ll manage under the new rules and without my retail family I’ve come to love at Hoarders. Here's hoping it goes well. (I'll be keeping the name of BookAce because I'm still a writer, lover of books, and very much ace no matter where I work.)

I’ve told a lot of crazy or bitchy or clueless custy stories before and I’m sure I’m destined to tell many more. But today, I thought I’d share some of my funnier/happier stories from Hoarders for a change.

Customer 1: The guy who promoted me to queen

A couple days before Halloween, a guy and his friend come up to buy some computer magazines. The guy looks at me and goes, "Do you like Halloween?"

Me: "The movie or the holiday?"

Guy: "The holiday."

Me: "Sure, I love it."

Guy: "Do you like dressing up and wearing costumes for it?"

Me: "Erm...why do you ask?"

Guy: "I think you look like you're a Halloween queen!"

Me: "..."

Guy: "No, don't be offended, I meant that as a compliment! You look like a queen of Halloween."

Me: "...Thanks?"

I guess it was a compliment? xD I wasn’t dressed crazy or anything. Honestly, after I got over the surprise, the whole thing really made my day.

*    *    *    *

Customer 2: Crazy Laser Dude

I notice a guy walking around with a tiny laser-light pointer thing on a keychain. He sort of covertly shoots it toward the desk every now and then. I whatever it since it’s not bothering me. Eventually the guy comes up with a book and is just randomly pointing the laser at me. I decide to ignore it. Acting like there's nothing unusual at all about him I ask if he wants a bag.

Guy: "No, but I could use a recipe."

Me: (Thinking: What?!) *ignores it and finishes up transaction*

Guy: "Do you need one?" *points laser at me*

Me: "Um...no...?" (I have no idea what he's talking about. No seemed like a safe answer.)

Guy: "You sure?"

Me: "Oh...I'm positive."

Guy: “Oh.” *keeps pointing the laser at me until he looks down and notices the big red laser from my scanner gun resting in its cradle* *turning his laser off, wide-eyed* “Where is this one coming from?!”

Me: *points to the scanner*

The guy looks at the big scanner, back at his tiny laser, and I swear, this disappointed look comes over his face. He pockets his laser sadly and leaves. I nearly laughed my ass off. I guess he wasn’t counting on coming across a laser bigger than this.

*    *    *    *

Customer 3: The Christmas Eve Witch Hunter.

It’s morning on Christmas Eve. Most of the customers have been polite, if in a hurry. We employees are hanging out at the counter shooting the breeze when this crazy dude comes up. You could see the crazy in his eyes. He’s muttering under his breath and glaring at me and saying something about witches and stealing his money. (I wasn’t listening much at this point.)  

I ring him up and he seems slightly more normal during the transaction. I finish up, hand him his book and wish him a good day. In return, he snarls at me, “EVER HEARD OF A WASHING MACHINE, WITCH?” and walks off.

Me: …Wut?

Co-workers: O.o

It kind of unsettled me at first. (Am I dirty? Do I look scruffy? These are all clean clothes! What? D=) But my co-workers all joined in making jokes and soon I was laughing about the whole thing. Plus, one of them quoted The Princess Bride at me (“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife!”) and nobody can be upset when Princess Bride quotes are being used.

*    *    *    *

Customer 4: Kids are cute sometime.

A mom and her son (who was maybe two or three years old) were standing by the display of toys. The boy has an armful of toys and I’m bracing myself for the hellspawn screech kids usually give when told they can’t have all the toys they collected.

Mom: “We’re going to get one toy, okay? Pick which one you like best and we’re going to put the rest away.”

Little boy: *looks at his armful of toys, and looks at his mom and says, polite as can be* “No thank you!”

We all cracked up laughing. The kid was surprisingly well-behaved and after a bit of coaxing and distracting, chose a toy without any of the screaming that we’re used to.

*    *    *    *

Customer 5: Angelspawn is an awesome customer.

A girl (maybe 11 or so) came up with her mom carrying a book.

I braced myself for a hellspawn or an apathetic brat. To my shock, the girl sets the book down and says with this sunny smile, “I’m getting a present for my friend and I was wondering if you could check if this is the first book in the series, please.”

Me: *delighted* “Sure!”

Girl: “Thank you!”

She and her mom chatted about the friend’s birthday party while I checked the computer, which was freezing up on me. I apologized for taking so long to check, and the girl and her mom were totally patient.

I finally discerned that the book was actually the first TWO in the series compiled into one volume. I explained this and the girl and her mom thanked me and went off to look for more stuff. They checked out ten minutes later and again the girl thanked me for looking up the book for her.

When I thanked them for their patronage the girl smiled and told me, (without any coaching from her mom) “You’re welcome, have a good day!” I didn’t know whether to faint in shock or thank her mother for raising an awesome kid.

It honestly made my entire day to be treated so nicely – by someone who wasn’t even out of grade school yet!

Sometimes I’d complain so much about the customers that people seemed to wonder why I never said I hated my job. Times like those were the reasons why.

--BookAce

 

Comments

[Humor_Me]

My oldest daughter worked for Office Hellpot and survived. She was also working at Pet Shart at the same time too. Get used to having to ask the custies 50 questions at checkout time. That's what drove her to insanity.

As for the 11yo... if I could find her, I'd clone her. We need more of them!

[Deathcomes4u]

Oh, we have a crazy lady who does the muttering thing. The guy who said the witch comment to you would not have been anything personal, he probably had severe turrets syndrome (spelt that wrong but you know what im talking about). She has weird moments of lucidity, enough to order coffee, but when she's off her meds, she's like the crazy cat lady from the simpsons. I feel sorry for her though, she can't help it.

[me]

Oooh, Angelspawn is awesome. Yes please. we need the clones :D

[Creative Slave]

It's young custys like the girl in #5 that make my day. I've had kids come by even younger that say thank you and have a good day. It's sad that we're shocked to hear them. Good luck at Office Hellpot.

[AnotherNoName]

One of my teachers worked at Office Depot and liked to tell us crazy stories about it. (I wish he'd post them here, but oh, well.) He called it Office Ghetto. Just in case you like the idea.

[Lifeatpaperclips.blogspot.com]

Awesome. I like the story about the muttering man. I had one similar to that a few years ago. He started talking about dumping his ex-girlfriend's body in the woods. He was a serious creeper.