What in the name of the dread Dormammu is WRONG with people?
In just the past few hours, I've had:
- women come up to the register and empty their entire suitcase-sized handbag onto the counter, looking for their gift cards/coupons. Take into account they've been waiting IN LINE for several minutes! Or (here's a shocker) they could have made sure they had the cards before they left home!
- "low-talkers" by the dozens. "Hello, did you find everything you needed", I say. "mmm-uuu-hh-mm--return-mm-hhh-gift card-mmm-lost-ggg-hhhhh-mmm", they say.
- people put shirts/pants/coats on the counter, lean AGAINST the counter pinning said items between themselves and the counter and give me the stinkeye when I say "Excuse me" and try to pull on them.
- people try to return items they bought at one of our competitors. "You're all part of the same parent company, aren't you?"
- a guy who wanted to exchange a jacket. The problem arose when he thought he could just drape the old one over the nearest rack and walk out with the new one.
- folks who are shocked (SHOCKED!) that we can't guarantee that items they want monogrammed AND shipped will be delivered before Christmas.
- legions of storytellers. "I'm gonna be honest with ya', see my mom bought this stuff for me while I was in college and I put in my closet and forgot all about it and now I'd like to return it but instead of putting it back on HER credit card 'cause her cards got stolen I'd like to have it all put on THIS credit card but I don't have any I.D. 'cause my cousin took it to buy beer the other night and didn't give it back and he got arrested and I really wanted the BLACK jacket but y'all stopped making it or somethin' and I'm going to Canada next week so will that be in American money or Canadian money?"
- people who think the roped-off area in front of the registers with the sign "LINE STARTS HERE" is for lesser mortals. They just walk up and start talking. When called on it, they offer up "I'm parked in the FIRE lane!" or "My children get out of school in TWENTY minutes!"
- couples who are so busy bitching at each other they put a sour taste in my mouth:
"Why are you buying the TAN ones? They'll look RIDICULOUS on you!"
"I'm a GROWN-ASS man! I'll buy what I WANT to buy! It's MY money, goddammit!"
"Well, if you want to throw your money away, go ahead! My mother was right: you ARE an idiot!"
- the guy who brought back a TWENTY(!) year old jacket held together with DUCT TAPE(!!) and wanted the original purchase price in cash. As my son would say, "That's classy with a capital K."...and the dance goes on.
--Joe The Cigar Guy