I’ve been at office supply hell for awhile now, trying to decide on how I feel about it. When I first began there, I hated it. Truly hated it. Nothing was explained to me, I had to figure everything out by bumbling along, and all of my co-workers terrified me. I was already scouring the papers for a new job.
I’m relieved to say it did get a little better. Eventually my co-workers and I warmed up to each other. (The one I found most terrifying has turned out to be my favorite of all the managers!) I dug out a place for myself and I guess I made a good impression, because I was made Employee of the Month three months after starting. I stopped searching for a new job…at least for now.
I don’t love it, and I always get that “Ugh, not again” feeling in my gut before I go to work, but it’s bearable. I think I was hired to join the tech crew, but upon learning that being on the tech crew meant my job performance would be based entirely on how many add-ons I could sell (and that every day I’d have to deal with pissed off people blaming me for their computers not working) I was all: fuck that shit. Time for evasive maneuvers! Immediately I moved into the copy center and made it my goal to become so good at copy center work that they wouldn’t dare move me. It worked. ;)
The downside, of course, is the customers. People shopping at Office Ghetto are far bitchier than people who shopped at Hoarders. Gather ‘round, and I will tell the tales of the two psycho bitches…
1. Crazy Zip Drive Bitch
appears one evening when I was still fairly new. I’m the only person in the copy center when I see her lurking nearby. She doesn’t stand, she lurks. She doesn’t walk, she creeps. And when she’s across the counter from you, she leans over it like some kind of creepy vulture crone and stares at you. That should have been enough warning, but I like to give the benefit of the doubt, and so cheerfully greet her.
She’s holding a zip drive and tells me she wants something printed. I say okay, and hold out my hand for the zip drive, which she then pulls away from me. …Um, that’s gonna make it kind of hard to print off it?
I finally get her to hand it over and pop it into our computer, which, as most corporate computers do, does not run basic Windows. It’s got its own OG system that runs all our company programs. As such, there’s no “My Computer” option, and no little button in the bottom right corner to “safely eject your device.” You plug crap in and pull it out at will. No mamby-pamby safe ejecting here!
I get her stuff printed and pull her zip drive out. And Crazy Zip Drive Bitch goes batshit.
*GAAAAASP* “HOW DARE YOU. YOU NEVER JUST PULL OUT A ZIP DRIVE! DO YOU REALIZE HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DATA I HAVE ON THERE? DO YOU?”
Me: “Sorry…?” (Thinking: Uh, it’s a little too late now? Besides, there’s no other way?)
Crazy Zip Drive Bitch: “YOU NEVER JUST YANK IT OUT LIKE THAT. NEVER! THAT IS THE WORST THING TO DO.” *glares at me*
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am.” (There’s no other way to take it out! WTF! This isn’t Windows! I want to explain this rationally to her, but I’m starting to freak out because she’s literally backed me into the corner between the counter and paper shredder and is up in my face shouting. All my verbal coherency is gone.)
Crazy Zip Drive Bitch: “SORRY ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! I NEED TO MAKE SURE MY FILES ARE OKAY!”
Me: *shaking at this point* “Fine then, plug it back in and check.”
She plugs it back in. Of course all her files are there and are just fine. She looks at me and goes, “Okay, now eject it.”
Me: “I can’t.”
Crazy Zip Drive Bitch: *waving hands* *demanding* “You just need to eject it! Go to ‘my computer’ and eject it!”
Finally I call my manager over, who tells CZDB that this is a server computer and that it’s safe to just yank the zip drive out. Crazy isn’t happy, and mutters about it throughout the transaction. At this point I’m not smiling or helpful anymore. I’m just gritting my teeth and am trying to stay calm. But the last straw was when Crazy Zip Drive Bitch looks at me and snits, “Well I guess we both learned something today.”
Me: *says nothing* *shakes harder* (thinking: BITCH I DIDN’T LEARN SHIT, I ALREADY KNEW IT WAS SAFE TO TAKE THE FUCKING ZIP DRIVE OUT. FUCK YOU.)
And look, as a writer, I GET how protective people are of their drives. I guard my zip drive with all my writing on it like a child. But if she’s that psycho about it, she shouldn’t be taking her high-stakes drive to public shops!
2. The Poster Bitch
I stumbled into this situation by virtue of coming to work. When I walked in, I found Posterbitch interrogating one of my co-workers who doesn’t even work in the copy center. She wanted a poster for her dog training business printed and she wanted it resized for a bulletin board. No big deal, right? Or it wouldn’t be, if not for three facts about computers:
The size something is on your computer screen isn’t the size it will print out.
Computers and printers use two different color formats. (And your screen settings will always alter the colors you see on your computer screen. Your printer isn’t going to adjust to your screen settings.)
Every single printer in the world will NOT print with the exact same saturation and hue. They will always vary.