OMG Y’ALL!
I just had an Anna Nicole Smith encounter!
She’s not dead people but merely reincarnated into another body of some Sugar Baby ! Here’s how it went down.
After the holidays, most retailers have dip in sales with January being the slowest month of the year so all things were quiet on the retail front.
I was manning the counter as usual but who should come in but Sugar Baby and her satchel of gifts given to her from her meal ticket.
Knowing the drill, she drops her bags on the encounter and requests a return. After throwing her receipts at me totaling close to $1000, I begin to process her request.
Normally, I ignore such rudeness from custys and avert my eyes while I finish the job at hand but some voice in my head told me to look up.
To tell you the truth RHU, I shouldn’t have because the moment I gazed at Sugar Baby she turned into Medusa from Clash of the Titans! I mean she turned me into the stone by having me transfixed on her appearance. Okay, have you ever seen a really bad car accident on the road that you could not help but stare at it? Well this was one of those times! Sad to say, Sugar Baby had some really, and I do mean really, bad plastic surgery! 
The woman was nipped, tucked, pulled, and implanted to the point that she looked like a space alien getting off the mothership. Put it this way, Sugar Baby made Joan Rivers and catlady socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein look normal. My eyes burned as I stared into the eclipse. Solar flares were shooting out her eyes causing me to believe that 2012 was happening early As I began to process her return, the alien began to speak.
Sugar Baby: I bought these for son but he obviously does not like them. I want to return them for cash. (Translation: Take me to your leader Earthling or else I will anally probe you.)
Me: No problem. Receipt is here. Check. Tags attached. Check. (A thousand dollars worth of designer stuff that your spoiled Hellspawn does not want. Check.) Okay, let me take care of this for you.
I start to do the return when Sugar Baby gets on her cell and dials her Sugar Daddy. Oh RHU this is when Anna Nicole Smith starts to bust out of the alien’s body. (Where’s Sigourney Weaver when you need her?)
Sugar Baby starts to speak in a baby voice for her Sugar Daddy. I shit you not! It was this high pitch infant voice the appeared too paranormal for words. (Perhaps it was some alien language like Pig Latin or a Kardashian.)
Sugar Baby: Oooooooooh Honeeeeeeeey! This is your Sugar Babeeeeeeeey! My son does not like any of the stuff you bought him. (Pouts.) I’m sorry to bother you in your meeting. I know you’re really busy. Look I have to return them because I don’t have any cash on me. (Starts to whine.) Your Babeeeeeey does not have any moneeeeey! I need cash babeeeeey because I’m hungreeeeeey. I need to eat Honeeeeey. I’ll see you later. Okay love you. (Makes kissing sounds on her cell.)
I finish the return and give her a large wad of bills from my register. Apparently, Sugar Daddy does not feed his Sugar Babeeeeey. Sugar Daddeeeey, take note. Feed your Babeeeeey so she doesn’t have to carry a large wad of moneeeey and get mugged like some dummeeeeeey! Honeeeeeey, that would be a tragedeeeeeey!
On the upside, the alien can now use her new elastic skin as weapon to whip away potential robbers or wear it as a designer belt accessory!
--Queer Geek
God, I hate whiny, entitled bitches like that.
[The bitches I like are people like Burger Bitch. *smiling*]
Rich people who aren't self-made are usually horrible people, although there are exceptions to everything. Hope you don't have to deal with something like that too often, QG.
Posted by: The Last Archimedean | January 31, 2012 at 03:49 AM
She wasn't wearing a leopard-print coat, by any chance, was she? That bitch sounds remarkably like a crusty I dealt with at Lord & Taylor.
Posted by: Joe the Cigar Guy | January 31, 2012 at 09:09 AM
To be fair, I make those kissy noises too. I know, I'm disgusting. Aparently my voice also rises in pitch when talking to my man on the phone. Spontaneous combustion seemed like a viable option when I heard that, but I guess that's what love can do to a previously perfectly sane person....
In my defense; I do draw a line at leo-print, and it's a sort of running joke that soon I'm going to be a sugar mommy. ;)
Posted by: snakey | January 31, 2012 at 12:52 PM
Good thing you're not diabetic, hearing sugary sweet talk like that would have sent you into insulin shock.
Posted by: NC Tony | January 31, 2012 at 02:04 PM
Ugh. I just lost my appetite. I think my dog did too by osmosis. There is a "lady" here at my apartment complex that has fake boobs and is probably 60 years old. She wears butt-floss bikinis and believe me, she shouldn't. I'm right across from the pool. I have to close my blinds on the days she is there. Its nauseating.
Posted by: Humor_Me | January 31, 2012 at 04:50 PM
I concur with the alien idea. Call me an optimist, but I like to think that something actually human would have enough pride and self-respect to not have to go through one botched round of physical torture after another, talk like an infant, and use her hellspawn's birthday as an excuse for stuff just for a damn meal. Seriously, would getting a damn fucking job really be more of a hassle than having to keep her overblown porno lips stuck to the rectum of whatever fossil she is blowing, sucking up for all she's got in order to stay kept?
I can be cool if somebody does the plastic surgery root (though I don't believe in it myself if its done for non medical reasons) if its for themselves and no one else. I can be cool with May-December relationships if both sides are equal and in it because they care about each other. I can even be cool with those damn kissy noises and one taking on a different tone for their lover. But all of those things put together, all being done for money.... You have a stronger will than I, QG!
Posted by: LabRat | February 01, 2012 at 02:19 AM
Going under the knife is a personal choice but the whole point of plastic surgery is to make it look like you didn't have any. This alien thing took it to a whole new level but hey it's her body!
After dealing with snobs like this for years in retail, I've learned to be quite desensitized to them. Heaven forbid when the world ends, it will be funny if they survive the post-Apocalypse.
Posted by: Queer Geek | February 01, 2012 at 09:45 AM
Whatever the customers failings whe brought the returns and the receipts, was politish and didn't cause a scene. Seems like people are having a go at a stranger because whe had plastic surgery and a wealthy boyfriend. Surely there are better targets for the vitriol?
Posted by: SimonR | February 03, 2012 at 07:37 AM