From Music Till-Monkey:
Dear Christmas Shoppers,
You hate Christmas shopping. I understand. I get it. I just don't care. You, along with 85% of my customers today, hate Christmas shopping. You are, without exaggeration, at least the 250th person today who has decided to inform me of the fact. Either that or the fact that you are surprised how busy it is. WHY precisely can you not believe, in December, that a 200+ store shopping centre is busy? What, did you think you were the only person who woke up this morning and thought "Hey, nearly Christmas, better go shopping."?
Personally, I love Christmas shopping. I just hate most Christmas shoppers. Please bear in mind the following, and have a nice day. [/sarcasm]
A "hello", "excuse me" or even a polite cough is a nice way to announce your presence, should you feel it necessary to do so. Walking in and loudly declaring "Keyboard books! ...." is not. Do you walk into a supermarket and yell "Beans!" in someone’s face and just expect to be led to the correct aisle?! Actually, you probably do. @$$hole.
I don't know your sister-in-law/child/father/Aunt/second-cousin's adopted Malawian orphan, or whoever else you are shopping for. I don't know what thickness plectrums they use, if they would like a guitar-shaped keyring, or a music themed mug. If they’re anything like you appear to be they’re probably not trusted with keys or hot liquids. I don't know if they would wear treble clef patterned socks, heck, I don't actually know if they even have both feet*. Asking me these questions is pointless, and wastes both of our time.
*Speaking of missing limbs, you cannot phone up and ask me "do you sell anything that will help a person with one arm play the violin?" and not expect follow-up questions. When I ask "Which arm are they missing?" I am not being funny, nor am I asking out of morbid curiosity. I am attempting to help you. You were the one who phoned me with the stupid question in the first place.
I don’t know if your relative would find learning an instrument easy or hard. Nor can I really say if learning an instrument in general is easy or hard. That’s like in A&E when they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10. Everyone’s different. You definitely seem...different. I’m guessing you would find it considerably harder than most, considering the fact that you have already told me how surprised you are that it’s really busy in the centre today.
Telling me the person’s age is about as useful as telling me their shoe size when it comes to "helping" you to choose a music book. Essentially when you don’t really know what instrument they play or have any vague notions of what musical genres they like, I can't help you. Some 15 year old boys like Metallica, some like Mozart, some like Michael Buble. I don't know which category yours falls into. You really should know, or at least ask someone who does. "It's all noise to me!" isn't funny or helpful the first time you hear it. You were not the first. If you really want something to appeal to your 15 year old boy, head next door to GT, they sell FHM.
Bands these days have stupid names. I realise this. You don't need come over and to tell me each time you find a stupidly named band. When it is mid-December and the shop is heaving I have neither the time nor the inclination to stand at the T-shirt rack and give you a history and back catalogue of every band featured therein, from Cannibal Corpse to Thin Lizzy and all genres in between, just in case your relative might like them. If the person you're buying for hasn't expressed a liking for thrashing death metal, buying a random T-shirt with a design that would scare small children and offend their Nan is probably not the best idea. Nor can I "sing a bit of one of their songs" for you to help you make up your mind. It sounds like a drumkit falling downstairs whilst a bear throws up. Does that help? May I also remind you once again that I have never met the person you are shopping for. Thus asking "Would the large fit him, do you think, or would medium be better?" is pointless. Maybe bringing in a recent photo of him standing next to something of regulation size, like a pillarbox for example (as people who are selling things on eBay take a photo next to a coin or a ruler to give some idea of size), would enable me to contribute to the Great Size Debate.
Personally, I am apathetic with regards to the issue of whether you “believe” the tab books or not. Telling me every week that you “...don’t believe those books, the tunes don’t match the real ones if you sing it in your head” won’t make them change to containing the songs that ARE in your head, nor will your repetitive insistence make me care that you feel the music in the books is wrong, because the definitive version is in your brain and/or tabbed by bedroom experts and uploaded onto the internet. Please don’t involve other customers in your conspiracy theories. I don’t know them, but chances are they don’t care either. Also, if I have a queue please realise that your quirky line of questioning about every single product (“That’s one of those [item] is it?”, “Yes.”, “Is it?!”, “Yes.”, “It’s not, is it?”, “Yes.”, “Oh...it is, is it?” “YES.”) is something frankly you should get help for, but not from me. I have a queue.
I realise that if you look around, you will find most of the things we sell in store for a cheaper price online. This is because "online" doesn’t pay Meadowhall rents, and buys in bigger bulk than our little shop. You don't need to queue up especially to tell me that you've seen it cheaper online, and then leave the item on the counter for me to put away. I'm not going to price-match, even if you kick up a stink about it. Also, whilst we're on online retailers, at least have the decency NOT to walk in with the opening line of "I've seen this guitar much cheaper online, I'm buying it from there but obviously I can't try it from there. Can I try yours?" Um, lemme think. NO. You want to save money and buy online, you take your chances and pay less but don't see/try before you buy. Email the online store and ask to try theirs, and stop wasting my time. Also please don’t try to return an item because you bought it from us and THEN looked online to see if you could find it cheaper. Who does that?! Go away.
Before asking the question "Are you busy?" please take a moment to actually LOOK AT ME and make an informed decision as to whether your question is necessary. Chances are if I am up a ladder, have a 20W amplifier under each arm, am mid-conversation with a customer, on the telephone, or processing a credit card transaction then yes, I AM busy. Heaven help you, you might just have to queue with everyone else.
Christmas Musical "Emergencies". If you wouldn't phone WH Smith enquiring about a recipe the latest Jamie Oliver book and ask them to "Tear the relevant pages out of the book and fax them to me...I'll come in and buy the book after Christmas." don't expect me to do it with a song in a music book. If infact you really do need the song "To play in church for the Christmas morning service", then your Christmas emergency really doesn't wash with me. As a church-goer you above all people should know what date Christmas is. Christmas cannot creep up and surprise you. You don't get a phonecall one morning saying "Christmas! Tomorrow! You in?!" It doesn't move dates like Easter or Father's Day. If you don't have what you need by Dec. 24th, when we have been open 9am-11pm, quite frankly it is your fault. Please don't say "You had a book in last week...I can't see it today." Last week we also had enough time to order you a copy before Christmas. Times change. We are not affiliated with Santa, hence you cannot order a book on Dec. 24th "for Christmas delivery".
You do not qualify for a discount for:
Having the nerve to ask.
Buying more than one plectrum.
Paying cash. Buying a book/guitar/uke that's "been on display". Everything is “on display”.
Being old. Claiming to know my boss but not knowing her name or, in fact, that she is a woman. Because it's Christmas Eve. Because the item is a gift.
Being less annoying than the customer in front of you.
Being Irish.
Whilst we’re talking about your children (which we were, some time ago...), don't expect me to watch them. We are not a creche, and I have no qualms about selling them to the circus if you abandon them for too long. If I peek into your push chair it's only out of mild curiosity, not an offer to babysit. To be perfectly honest I'm probably just looking in case you have a really, really ugly baby so that I can alert the rest of the staff to go and have a look.
I only work in one shop. I don't know cinema listings. I don't know the phone numbers for every shop in the mall, or for the music shops in town. I don't know what they stock that we don't, or vice versa. I don’t know where the shop you are vaguely describing might have moved to. I am well aware that the comic book shop has closed. There is no need to tell me. When you ask “Where has it gone?” and I reply “They’ve closed down.” I do really mean that as an end to the conversation. If I wanted a list of all the Star Trek figures you’ve ever purchased from there, I would have asked. Also, we don't sell Westlife keyrings.
Speaking of Customer Directory questions...If you want information I might have, please ask nicely. Storming in and telling me the toilets are closed before rudely demanding to know where the nearest ones are WILL guarantee that I send you to the ones at the opposite end of the centre, and not the ones directly above the ones you are complaining about.
Bear in mind, when you storm into my shop in the hours before Christmas, brandishing your attitude problem like an offensive weapon, that I have the items that your children are demanding. I decide whether you get what you need or are thrown out for being rude/offensive/abusive. In effect, I stand between you and a peaceful Merry Christmas. I have what you need. Even Amazon cannot help you now. Therefore it is in your best interests to BE NICE. Then I am nice, and you have half a chance that your children will be placated and in turn, nice.
Have a Merry Christmas, and enjoy your shopping experience.
Yours sincerely, Me
P.S...Awesome Woman? The one who pointed up into the roof and told her naughty child that our smoke alarm was "...a Santa Alarm, and that light is flashing because he knows you've just been naughty"? You're awesome.
--Music Till-Monkey
Gosh. I don't know what to say!
I really didn't like this story, and I've been reading (and sometimes commenting on) RHU for years now.
My first reaction was, "Well, no one made you take a job in a music store if it's not your thing."
How can you work in a business where you deal in art without being willing to listen to the customers and actually figure out what would please them.
Maybe you should post a FAQ at work with info from your post.
Posted by: my brother played bagpipes | January 21, 2012 at 05:10 AM
If someone had questions on the size of a violin needed for the person standing right there, or what books would be best for a second year student, then the poster probably would be more then happy to listen and help them find what would please them. Knowing shirt sizes of people you've never met won't happen working in a music store, or even a clothing store for that matter. Also there is a large difference between a customer that comes in and says "My brother likes SLC punk, can you recommend something?" gets you a lot further then "Um, he likes funny music, can you tell me his favorite band?"
Posted by: LadyBelle | January 21, 2012 at 07:52 AM
As a musician myself and someone who works in a place that sells musical equipment, I can see where he's coming from. What I always like to tell people who are shopping instruments as gifts is to have the person come in and let them try out to see what best suits them. As a general rule, I let my band mates and fellow musicians take care of any musical gifts for me on birthdays/Christmas and let family take care of other things.
Posted by: PawnWarrior | January 21, 2012 at 07:56 AM
This was a great post, probably because I can relate (from my retail hell past).
My "favorite" in my second record store job was "What would you recommend for a 20-year old?"
Seriously? I told her that by then he's probably formed his own musical identity (unlike, say, my 4 year old niece who adores the Bieber). She said "Oh, I'll just buy him the Beatles. Everyone likes the Beatles".
"Um, not necessarily."
*Cue death glare from clueless custy*
If you have supportive coworkers, you'll be alright. :)
Posted by: Julia | January 21, 2012 at 08:46 AM
That was one of the best posts I've ever seen on RHU. Extremely well-written and funny. This is actually the first time I've commented I was so impressed. Well done.
(Also - I'm shocked you got blowback on this. This is why sites like this eventually end up with all the good contributors leaving.)
Posted by: Anon | January 21, 2012 at 09:47 AM
I really liked this post, especially the "waving their attitude problem like an offensive weapon", I think I might borrow that phrase!;) I get what she's saying, it's like if someone came into B&N and had no idea what kind of books the person they were buying for liked, I do not know the person!
Posted by: trekkiebabe31 | January 21, 2012 at 10:30 AM
Yes, they do come in yelling "Beans!" and expect to be led to the beans. Hint, if you just walked in the door, you are probably not going to find what you need, and maybe you should, I don't know, LOOK for it?
Posted by: Riferous | January 21, 2012 at 10:48 AM
I cannot believe you got criticism about this post! It's excellent.
And, fyi, 'my brother played bagpipes', yes I'm sure no one person forced Music Till-Monkey to take this job, but perhaps the desire to not live in a dumpster did!
Also, this poster is clearly someone who is very knowledgeable about music, so they probably do like their job!
However, that does not make it less annoying when the 100th old geezer this week comments on how stupid sounding modern band names are, or when someone who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground, much less anything about instruments asks a bunch of stupid questions no one could possibly answer such as "it this instrument hard to learn?" or "what size t-shirt should I get my 15 year old?"
That was my favorite part, because we got that a lot at the baby store too. Someone showing me a picture of their kid on their cellphone and asking what size he wears. Fuck if I know! Take a picture of your baby next to a yardstick and maybe I could make a guess, but I can't tell just from a picture.
Posted by: Chicajojobe | January 21, 2012 at 11:08 AM
Oh yeah, and the first comment was not blowback, it was trolling. Sad trolling at that. Obvious troll is obvious.
Posted by: Riferous | January 21, 2012 at 11:15 AM
I might pop in and spend three hours asking inane questions until your head explodes. In a friendly manner, of course.
Posted by: Brayn | January 21, 2012 at 12:15 PM
As a side note, I was genuinely upset when the comic book shop closed down.
Posted by: Brayn | January 21, 2012 at 12:19 PM
I'm amazed you got people being asses to you on here... Obviously we get similar customers, i've had people come up to me and shout "PINT". Pint of what? *headdesk*
And this meadowhall.... would it also be commonly known as meadowhell, and more specifically, is it the one that flooded a couple years ago?
Posted by: Restaurant_Slave | January 21, 2012 at 03:20 PM
I am jumping on the amazed bandwagon with everyone else. This is one of the most beautiful rants I have ever seen. It would make my husband proud! I approve and award you all the interwebz.
Posted by: KittyKatzchen | January 21, 2012 at 04:46 PM
People! "my brother played bagpipes" is a troll! Stop feeding it!
Posted by: Riferous | January 21, 2012 at 08:35 PM
It sounds like a drumkit falling downstairs whilst a bear throws up.
Hahahahaha.
Posted by: 2020k - RJ | January 21, 2012 at 11:10 PM
Just kidding, I'm a 14 year old with nothing to do between faps. I have nothing valid to say so I just troll. Don't pay any attention to me.
Posted by: Alvis | January 22, 2012 at 06:14 AM
"If I peek into your push chair it's only out of mild curiosity, not an offer to babysit. To be perfectly honest I'm probably just looking in case you have a really, really ugly baby so that I can alert the rest of the staff to go and have a look."
That honestly made me laugh out loud.
Posted by: NC Tony | January 22, 2012 at 08:02 AM
In a food store, I've been asked for a discount because the customer "won't eat all of it".
Posted by: CrazyCatLady | January 22, 2012 at 09:15 AM
@Alvis: You... have completely missed the entire point of this website, haven't you? It's TO RANT ABOUT THINGS THAT IRRITATE YOU. I'm sure the slave in question is perfectly fine with people on a regular basis, however after a while it gets really fucking annoying and it just builds up and builds up and then you RANT ABOUT IT, even blowing it slightly out of proportion, etc. Sometimes he/she might even be slightly amused by the silly questions! Just not all the fucking time.
Get a fucking brain.
Posted by: Kat | January 22, 2012 at 10:15 PM
No, I understand the website, I just have far too much free time on my hands so I troll for fun. Well, it's not fun for anybody else, and it makes me look like a brain damaged fucktard, which I am, of course, but I need attention and I don't know any other way to get it. God I'm so lonely!
Posted by: Alvis | January 23, 2012 at 02:22 PM
Great post! Never commented before but I really enjoyed your post and style.
Brayn, I'm sorry but IMO naming a poster's place of work is NOT cool, especially when they haven't chosen to name their employer themselves. I know with the internet you can find anything out (maybe not the smartest thing to name the mall?! but I don't recognise your name so I'm guessing 1st time poster?), but if they chose not to reveal, "outing" isn't right man. I hope MTM hasn't been discouraged from further submissions, because I thought this one was awesome.
Just my 2c.
Posted by: CanuckChic | January 23, 2012 at 04:35 PM
Yeah, bands these days have such weird names.
Not like in the good old days when we had The 1910 Fruitgum Company, The Strawberry Alarm Clock, and The Alan Parsons Project.
Posted by: TychaBrahe | January 24, 2012 at 04:13 PM
Sorry, I wasn't trying to be malicious or anything. Excuse my ignorance of the rules.
Posted by: Brayn | January 25, 2012 at 06:05 AM