Happy Valentines Day RHU: NC Tony's Customer Contract

So I've decided not to save the Slaves Wish List just for the holidays. I got struck with inspiration, and I'm not waiting 10 months to post it.

How many of you had to sign some kind of "contract" when taking your jobs? *counts hands* Some sort of code of conduct about how you would conduct yourself during the hours you're on the clock. How many of you wish customers also had to sign a similar code of conduct about how they would conduct themselves while they are in your store shopping (or eating if you work in a restaurant)? *counts hands* Ok, Burger Bitch, you don't need to raise both hands, I'm only counting you once. Well then allow me to present what every customer would have to read and sign before being allowed in your store...

THE CUSTOMER CODE OF CONDUCT:

I, the customer agree to abide by the following rules while shopping in your establishment.

1) If, the store employs a greeter who's sole job it is to welcome me to MegaMart, I will acknowledge their greeting, even if I just smile and nod at them. I will not ignore them as if they weren't even there.

2) If I require assistance on the sales floor, I will find a store associate and ask them "Excuse me, can you please tell me where [item] is?" or "Could you please tell me where [item] is?" or some variation thereof. I will not just walk up to an associate and bark out a one word exclamation of what I need. Nor will I whistle, snap my fingers or grumble "Doesn't anybody WORK around here?" to get their attention. I will not demand their help either.

2a) Likewise if an employee comes up to me and asks me if I need help, I will either use one of the above polite requests for help, or simply say "No thank you".

2b) I will accept that I do not know more than the employees. After all they work here, and know the way the store works better than I do.

2c) I will not insult their level of intelligence for working here. I understand that this may have been the only job they were able to get at the time, and that just like me they have bills to pay.

3) If the store is out of an item, I will not accuse employees of hiding more of said item in the back. I will accept that the store is out of said item, and either look for it elsewhere, or politely ask if an employee knows when the store is getting any more in, and return at a later time to get the item.

4) I will control my children and keep an eye on them. I will not allow them to handle valuable and/or fragile merchandise. I will not let them run around screaming like banshees, bothering other customers. I will not expect the employees to watch my children.

4a) I will not give my child a toy to play with from the toy section just to keep them quiet while I am shopping and then not buy it for them.

5) I will not open boxes of merchandise to see the contents and then take an unopened box.

6) If I do not want an item, I will not leave it on a random shelf, I will put it back where I found it.

6a) Likewise I will not just drop clothing items on the floor if it's not what I want.

7) I will not leave my trash on a random shelf. I will wait until I can find a garbage can.

8) I will not mistake the fitting room for a bathroom.

8a) If I do not want the clothes I have just tried them on I will leave them with the fitting room attendant, I will not dump the clothes on the floor.

9) In the bathroom I will use the toilets for their intended use and not spread my waste all over the walls and floor. If the toilet should overflow, I will find and employee and let them know so the mess can be cleaned up.

10) When making a return I will make sure I have the receipt, or some other proof of purchase. I will also make

sure I am within the allotted return time (ie: 7 days, 10 days, 90 days, etc). I will not throw a fit and threaten to "take my business elsewhere" or state that I "spend a lot of money here" and should therefore get my way.

10a) I will make sure I am returning something that the store sells. Not something that your competitor sells.

11) When checking out I will end my cell phone call long enough to complete the transaction.

11a) If I am paying in cash I will have my wallet in hand and will place the money in the cashiers hand.

11b) I will carry a wallet or purse and will not hand the cashier money out of my bra/underwear.

11c) I will not use a $100 bill to pay for a $5 order (especially not first thing in the morning).

11d) If I am using a credit/debit card, I will make sure I know my PIN, and how to use the card scanner.

11e) If I am using EBT/WIC, I will make sure I am buying only EBT/WIC approved items.
 
11f) If I am using coupons (either regular coupons or special store coupons) I will let the cashier know BEFORE they start ringing up the sale. I will not demand discounts I am not entitled to.

11g) If an item rings up for the wrong price I will politely point it out and not accuse the cashier (or the store) of trying to rip me off.

12) I will not act like I am entitled to special treatment. I will not threaten, abuse, admonish, augur, blackmail, bluster, browbeat, bully, caution, comminate, cow, enforce, flex muscles at, forebode, forewarn, fulminate, growl, intimidate, look daggers at, make threats to, menace, portend, presage, pressurize, push around, scare, scowl, shake fist at, snarl, spook, terrorize, torment, or walk heavy to get my way.

12a) I understand that sometimes mistakes happen and will not hold it against the employee.

13) I understand that the employees do not set the prices for items.

13a) I understand that the employees are only doing what they are being told to by their managers, who are being told to do by corporate.

14) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL I TRY TO STEAL ANYTHING FROM THE STORE. I understand that doing so will result in legal actions being taken against me.

I have read and understood the above rules and further understand that breaking any of the above rules will result in a $10 annoyance fee added to my total for each rule broken.

Signed,
[Customer]


So, as usual, I ask you my fellow RHUers, what did I leave out?

--NC Tony

Coming soon: customer contracts for restaurants, your managers, other (asshole) employees and whatever other jobs you can think of that need contracts like this.

Comments

[Madrias]

Well, I'd follow it, but then again, I deal with half of it on a regular basis. Fixing computers can be a royal pain cause people don't understand that they can take my $20 markup on this DVD drive that needs replacing, or take it to ComputerMart and spend $300 for that replacement drive and "We removed a virus you never had, but you're too stupid to know otherwise." scan.

I'd like to add this, though:

I will not go through the express lane with either: a) more items than allowed by the express lane sign; b) checks; or c) coupons. The express lane is to be used for people who don't have much and would like to be out of here as soon as possible.

[Humor_Me]

Tony, what would your wife think about a mistress? Or at least a stalker? You know I love you for all of these things! Even just being a forever customer now I appreciate this contract! Tell Mrs. NC Tony I am self supporting, don't want conjugal visits and won't even be visiting. I just want bragging rights! : - P

[Mick Waukee]

That list looks pretty complete to me, but do keep in mind the grade of customers that get their stupid antics mentioned on this site.
I'm guessing that most of them couldn't memorize one twentieth of that list given
a 2 week period to repeat the first rule over and over.

[Joe the Cigar Guy]

How about "If I have a drug habit, I will not try to return random merchandise to support said habit"?

[Crazy Cashier]

People trying to returned used stuff gets mentioned a lot in stories.
and people being impatient

But maybe you said that and I was just distracted by the plushies in the pictures . ^_^;

[Queer Geek]

I want the customers to sign this in blood! That way it's legally binding.

[Mcarp555]

What about not assuming that a 19-year old cashier who is paid to smile at a 50+ year old unkempt face is secretly nursing a barely restrained urge to initiate sexual congress in the parking lot, long after the store is closed and everyone else is gone?

[LabRat]

Can punishments for violating the agreements include things like customers being forced to work a day within the store without pay? Like community service? Or at the very least make them wear a sign for the duration of their shopping trip that states the agreement they broke, how sorry they are, and how they have been a bad human being? They do it in Singapore for littering, and I happen to think abusing us is a tad more horrible.

Wait till my coffee break and the caffeine hits. I am sure I can think of particularly cruel and unusual ones then. Great list, NC! Your lists deserve to be on display more than just once a year!

[The Last Archimedean]

Every store on the planet should make this list of rules mandatory for all customers, with a mandatory sentence of 5 days working in the store with no pay for violating any of the rules.

Great submission, NC.

[ScanGunMonkey]

@Mcarp555, SECONDED!!

[Diane]

About the Wally's World greeters? I used to give them a hello and a friendly smile when I walked it, but the response I generally received was a blank stare, so now I pretty much ignore them unless they say something to me. I can honestly say that, in the last three years, that's only happened when I walk in with my hot black male roommate. Otherwise I'm invisible.

[~Bookstore Slave]

I also vow to never use the lines "I shop here all the time" or "I spend $XXX here." As a regular, I KNOW AND ABIDE BY the policies implemented by the company.

I will not request anything for free nor shall I troll for discounts, as employees tend to know me anyway and give me little perks without my asking (because I'm NICE to them!), thus making them more special.

Signed,

[NC Tony]

You know, I like Archimedean's and Lab Rat's punishments better than the $10 annoyance fee. How about, the ten dollar per rule fee, one week, working without pay for each rule broken (ie: you break two rules, you pay $20, you work for two weeks, unpaid), wearing the sign ("I broke [rules] and am now forced to work without pay for [however many] weeks. Please follow the rules.") Also Madrias and Mcarp, I can't believe I forgot those!

[NC Tony]

Here's one I forgot:

If I am buying alcoholic beverages or tobacco products I will a) be of legal age to purchase such products and b) will have a legal form of identification to prove I am of age. I will not fuss or throw a fit when asked for ID when the cashier asks for it.

[NC Tony]

And I just realized how redundant that last sentence is.

[3 script associate]

Hmmmm.... 15) I will take it upon myself to look for the price tag on an item prior to having an associate escort me halfway through the store to do it for me!
99.9% of the time , the price is clearly marked. I always ask for Custy's suggestions on how we can mark things more clearly, to avoid their inconvenience. Most respond" I guess I should have picked it up and looked at it!!" ~~~~ Eyes rolling!!!~~~ Ya Think???

[WMDKitty]

I will not block the aisle with my cart while I wander to the other end looking for something.

[Book Wench]

How about "I promise to act as though I possess the rudiments of rationality and compassion. If I do not possess these qualities, I will fake them, because if Ted Bundy can do it for years I can do it for ten minutes."

[Madrias]

NC Tony: The only reason I remembered the 3 for the express lane is I get stuck behind people every day who don't know how to count 20 items or less, insist on throwing a wad of expired coupons on the register, and then have the gall to write out a check and make everyone wait.

Meanwhile, I'm standing there wondering if I'll ever get out with my breakfast sandwiches, small bag of cookies, and a soda, planning on breaking a $20 and accepting the fact that I'll end up with change (don't like change? That's what the donation jars are good for...)

[Zmidponk]

10b) If I am returning something under the terms of an extra/extended warranty, I will make sure that I have actually taken out said warranty in the first place.

10c) If I am returning something, and realise I have neglected to actually put the item being returned into the box for it, I will not scream and yell at the cashier because they refuse to process the return using the empty box.

[LabRat]

lol I like the mix of punishments. It gives them a chance to learn humility, empathy, and that workers are people (Cashiers... and clerks... are... PEOPLE). If nothing else, it will some fitting karma. Can we enact this nation wide?

[Book Baby]

NC Tony, may I kiss your hand? You have struck a note in every retail/public employees' heart in the entire country!

[Let them eat Crack]

When I leave my place of residence I will abide by generally accepted personal hygiene standards, this will include but is not limited to:bathing on a regular basis, wearing deodorant (exceptions will be made for those performing physical labor) , brushing my teeth (regardless of the number) accepting and being aware of my ability to control my own bowels, wearing garments that are hwp appropriate (this includes pants being worn at the waste as I fully admit no one in the store or public for that matter wants to see my undergarments)

[Projection Peon]

You guys ALMOST nailed it on the punishment portion. The forced work days should be on black friday and christmas eve/day. That way those of us who have retail as a regular job get to enjoy those days with our families.