So, I've been thinking this over for the past few weeks and finally decided to unleash it on you, my fellow RHUers. This is unlike the Slaves Wish List or the Customer Contract. This is something totally new. This is Let the Punishment Fit The Crime.
Note to all trolls: This is a joke. I do not condone the following activities, nor do I recommend any of my fellow RHUers try any of these things, for two reasons, 1) because in some cases they are literally impossible, and b) they are all illegal. This is simply a joke so please keep your dumb ass comments to yourself.
The idea here is there are so many things crustys do that make steam billow out of our ears and all we can do is grin and bear it, because in most cases managers are idiots who will bend over backwards (easy to do with no spine) to make the crustys happy, even (or should that be especially) when it makes their employees look bad/not even the slaves fault in the first place. These are things that, if they were possible, and not illegal you would do if there were no consequences.
The crime: Parking in a handicapped spot/using a mobility cart when the only disability they have is being a lazy fuckwad.
The punishment: A baseball bat to the knees.
The crime: Trying to get a slaves attention by whistling, snapping fingers, grumbling that they can't get help. Also, walking up to a slave and barking out a one word exclamation (Socks!) of what they need.
The punishment: Getting smacked in the nose with a rolled up newspaper and admonished with "Bad Crusty!", and ignored for the rest of their time in the store.
The crime: Pretending to know more than the slave.
The punishment: Being forced to work for the slave (for no pay) for the rest of the shift and the rest of the week (if the crime occurs on Saturday, the crusty will have to work the following week for the slave).
The crime: Insulting the employee's intelligence/upbringing/sexual orientation/race, etc.
The punishment: Being the guest of "honor" at a Comedy Central Roast. Except this time the roasters mean everything they say.
The punishment: Does anybody remember Twilight Zone: The Movie? The first segment is called "Time Out" and is the infamous segment in which actor Vic Morrow was killed. He played a bigot who was forced to time travel, and ends up as the nationalities he hates... in the worst situations possible (for example a Jewish man in German occupied France in WWII). That's the punishment here, to be shown what REAL racism is, via time travel. Someone call Rod Serling.
The crime: Accusing the slave of hiding more of an out of stock item "in the back".
The punishment: Being forced to go look for said item "in the back"... with the lights off.
The crime: Letting their children run around, ignoring what they're doing, but jumping down a slaves throat, when said slave stops the little monster from destroying merchandise/hurting themselves.
The punishment: The parent will spend one week in the monkey cage at the local zoo. Not cleaning it out... living there. If the child is at fault (despite the parents attempt to control them), they'll have to live in the monkey cage for a week.
The crime: Opening boxes, and then taking an unopened box. Dropping merchandisewherever when they decide they don't want it.
The punishment: The slave goes to the crustys house and goes through all their things, dropping them wherever. Then leaving everything (cabinets, closets) open... including the front door on the way out.
The crime: Leaving trash on shelves instead of waiting to find a garbage can.
The punishment: The slave goes to the crustys house and empties the contents of the trash can all over the house.
Alternate punishment: The crusty must spend a week in the dumpster out back.
The crime: Using the fitting room as a bathroom/spreading their shit all over a bathroom stall.
The punishment: Forcing them to clean it up... with a wet nap. Then unleashing non-house trained dogs loose in their house.
The crime: Making a return without a receipt or even knowing the return policy, then throwing a fit when the return cannot be processed.
The punishment: Having the return policy tattooed on the inside of their eyes in bright neon colors.
The crime: Being on a cellphone while checking out.
The punishment: Having two yapping Chihuahuas permanently grafted to their shoulders. If the customer is on a blue tooth, the blue tooth will be permanently grafted to their ear with Rebbecca Black's "Friday" playing on a repeat loop... with the auto-tune turned off.
The crime: Not placing the money in the cashier's outstretched hand.
The punishment: The cashier will also put the money down. Into a box filled with fire ants.
The crime: Pulling money out of their bra/underwear.
The punishment: Having a Hazmat team come in and disinfect the money, the crusty, the cart, the floor space where they're standing, and the very air around them.
The crime: Using a $100 bill to pay for an order that's $10 or less.
The punishment: Letting every other customer in line smack the crusty in the face... especially if it's first thing in the morning.
The crime: Not knowing how to use the credit/debit card reader.
The punishment: Having their card cut in half right then and there.
The crime: Abusing the EBT/WIC system.
The punishment: EBT/WIC benefits taken away, and being forced to live off Ramen for a month.
The crime: Trying to purchase alcohol/tobacco products when underage.
The punishment: Having their date of birth tattooed on their forehead.
The crime: Acting like the store is trying to rip the crusty off if an item rings up for the wrong price, and blaming the slave for the price of everything.
The punishment: Being forced to memorize the price of every item in the store, what's on sale including any and all specials the store is running. Then being forced to recite them back to the slave, each wrong answer results in an electric shock (think the opening scene of Ghostbusters with Bill Murray).
The crime: Trying to use an expired coupon/a competitors coupon/being an extreme couponer.
The punishment: Having the coupon(s) stapled to the crustys face.
The crime: Being entitled.
The punishment: Spending a month in boot camp (Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines. Slaves choice).
The crime: Attempted/actual physical abuse of a retail slave.
The punishment: Being thrown into a cage with a live bear. Or (thanks to the late George Carlin for this one), being dipped in brown gravy, then thrown into a small locked room with a rabid wolverine that's high on meth.
The crime: Being a NAT.
The punishment: Jail. Then while the crusty is in jail, giving their address and car keys to a master criminal.
The crime: Threatening to get the employee fired.
The punishment: Being set on fire.
So, as always, I ask, what did I forget?