Queer Geek's Sexy Adventure With a Video Store

Hey now RHU!

Thought I’d share another high-larious story from the retail world. With all the pornhacking going on in public places, I’d thought I’d share my X-rated mishap that happened to me many moons ago. Way back when Schlockbuster was the go to place for movie rentals, my BFF and I decided to hangout at her apartment for fun night of junk food and cheesy filmfests.

Now the kind of movies we rent are your typical low grade B-film schlock horror genres like Sleepaway Camp (spoiler: The killer is a tranny!), corny chickflicks, and of course, independent gay films which we all turn into our rendition of Mystery Science Theater 2000 making fun of the ridiculous images onscreen. Anyway, I wanted to point out the gay indie movies in particular which is an essential part of this story.

Before I begin, my BFF is awesome! She’s one of those women that supports the GLBT community so I was surprised to learn that she was in the minority that likes watching two guys together. In fact, she owns a collection of the American version of Queer as Folk. If you’re familiar with this series, then you know that it doesn’t shy away from anything including the sexy parts! Don’t ask me on the psychology why some women like gay erotica because I really don’t know!   

Back to what I was saying, BFF and I were at Schlockbuster picking up some movies and we decided to pick up this gay film called Latter Days. Now RHU, let me explain something. I’m really picky about GLBT films because some of them are just plain awful. Bad script. Bad direction. Bad actors. Bad story. Throw in a bunch of naked guys just for the titillation factor and you have a movie just ripe for parodying. Don’t get me wrong, there some good gay indie movies out there (Brokeback Mountain, Tipping the Velvet, Velvet Goldmine, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Eastside Story) but for every good one there are always three crappy ones. (Vampire Boys, Hellbent, and anything made by David DeCouteau.)

Anway, we rented this gay flick called Latter Days. (Rehashed Plot: A coming out tale about a Mormon missionary who falls in love with a gay party boy leading to a conflict with his faith and sexuality as he struggles to find himself among the temptations of Los Angeles. Romance, self loathing, and aversion therapy ensures! What do you think is going to happen? Yada yada yada. Don’t you want to see it now?) Little did I know that I was in for a rude awakening.

We got to her apartment, popped in the DVD, and pressed play. Now the first warning signal would have been the label of the DVD. Some films have the the title printed on the disk. This one was blank. Not thinking anything was wrong, we watched the movie.

The opening scene takes place in an auto shop. Hunky auto mechanic is fixing his car and of course has to do it shirtless because we all know good looking mechanics need to fix the engine practically naked.

BFF: Oh look that mechanic is hot!

Me: He doesn’t do for me! Plus, he looks like he overtweezes his eyebrows. God, I hate that he makes me feel inferior with that six pack of his. I gotta hit the gym someday. Pass me the pizza box! *stuffs face with pepperoni* I guess this is suppose to be some cliche romantic comedy! *Groan*

Some skinny guy enters the scene stating he has a problem with his car and needs a tune up. Mechanic says he could tune him up for him. *Start cueing up porn music.*

Me: *not thinking anything is wrong* That has to be the dumbest pick up line I’ve heard. Who wrote this? Paris Hilton?

BFF: Shhhh...what are they doing?

Skinny guy and mechanic started ripping off their clothes and go at it in the garage. Hardcore stuff ensues.

Me: AAAAAH! What the fuck? What are they doing? My eyes! My eyes! It burns! It burns! *Starts to cover them but slightly takes a peek.* Ewwww, is that even sanitary? 

BFF: *rolling with laughter* We just got punk’d! Ouch! I didn’t know that position was even possible... We rented a gay porn movie! Hahhaha....

Sure enough we did. I’m sweating like a hooker in church shutting off the movie before I rush to the phone to call Schlockbuster. Already, I knew this is going to be an uncomfortable situation. Meanwhile, my BFF is hysterically laughing on the floor as I’m dialing.

Schlockbuster: Thank you for calling Schlockbuster, how can I help you?

Me: *feeling like I’m confessing to a priest* Hi, I know this is going to sound crazy but we were there earlier renting movies and I think somebody switched the DVD out of one them for another inside this case. (Forgive me Father for I have sinned many a time...)

Schlockbuster: I’m sorry that happened. What movie was it?

Me: Latter Days but the movie inside is not what it is suppose to be.

Schlockbuster: Well what was in it?

Me: Ummm...a porn movie. Not any regular porn movie mind you. A GAY porn movie.

A long pause at the end of the line. (I’m whispering some Hail Marys on the receiver.)

Me: Uhh...hello?

Schlockbuster: We’re sorry to hear that. It does happen sometimes. Just return it and we will replace the movie at no charge to you.

Me: Thanks. *meekly hangs up phone*

The next day I returned the contraband item at the counter in person which they kindly replaced for me but the whole time I was so embarrassed that I kept thinking that they thought I was some perverted freak holding a gay porn DVD. In truth, I prefer the perverted freak who gets off on leveling in online gaming. (Hah! Reached level 63 on World of Warcraft! Yes! Yes! Oh God! Yes! AAAAHHHHHH!) Yet in my neurotic mind, I can’t help but wonder what those Schlockbuster workers were thinking at that moment.

*Oh look its the gay porn guy! Hey gay porn guy, we just got a new movie in called Goodwill Humping! Might we suggest Pulp Friction? How about Star Whores: The Empire Whacks Back? Hey gay porn guy...MUHAHAHAHA!*

Needless to say, it took me a long time to show my face in there again.

--Queer Geek

 

Comments

[The Last Archimedean]

Not your fault some idiot switched the DVD's. You had no idea what was in the case when you rented the movie. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

And that's way cool that your BFF is awesome.

It's actually not surprising that a straight woman would be supportive of the GLBT community. I know quite a few straight WIGGs.

[greenie]

I would have been more embarssed if I was the clerk at the Blockbuster, I would be worried that the person who got the switched movie would be thinking that I was the one who switched it.

As for women getting turned on by gay men. I have wondered about that as well. I will admit to reading an occasional slash fan fic--and some of them are well written (though most fan fic is pretty much crap) and I have found a few to, be well rather hot. (I like Jack Aubrey/Stephen Maturin ones the best cause I'm a navy geek.)

I don't know why, but I wonder if it is similar to why straight men like to watch lesbian porn, one hot woman is great, but two just doubles the fun? I don't know.

[Soft Ice Girl]

Queer Geek, would you be so kind and come over in order to clean my laptop? Because on reading "Goodwill Humping" I spat my coffee all over it.. dang..
And as for women who like gay porn: Well, if you like men, then you tend to like more than one. Hetero porn is quite woman-centered- the woman is almost always filmed and looks fine while the man is less important and often looks like a fucking ape, so there are not many hetero films that I like to watch. Gay porn, however, has to be centered on men (duh), so it´s nicer.

[carotte]

Gay porn is centered on men like soft ice girl said, and, bonus point that I think some girls like (maybe even without realizing), as a girl it makes you feel 'safe' - there's no brutality geared toward women, there's no "the inferior c*** suc*** bi***" role, no objectifying of the women (cause hey, no women).
I know not all straight porn is violent towards women but it must be what 90% of it in some way.

[Queer Geek]

@carotte

Good point made about porn industry. The sad truth is that the majority of the sex workers in the sex trade are women and sleazy companies take advantage of that by exploiting them even further through degradation and prostitution (face it porn is just another metaphor for the world's oldest profession).

Gay porn is not any different with men (gay, straight, bi) being just as exploited. I joke alot about it but the sad truth is that it's just as detrimental to the homosexual community with advocating unsafe practices like barebacking (non-condom) and reckless sexual behavior.

I admit I am a complete hypocrite. A contradiction in terms since I enjoy reading, watching, and writing erotica but even I draw the line to how people are objectified, abused, and raped. Violence in any form is wrong and there is a difference between passion and desire versus humilation and degradation.

[Hellbound Alleee]

You wonder why a straight woman would like to watch two hot guys going at it? Is that really a mystery?

[Hellbound Alleee]

Oh, another thought:

Straight porn is almost exclusively for straight men. There are a lot of really ugly guys in straight porn.

And straight porn for women can be incredibly cheesy. The gay stuff is more fun.

[RT Bear]

Truthfully, I see nothing wrong with porn - gay, bi or straight - as long as you know what you're renting/buying...the actors do have their own minds & are capable of saying yes or no to any scene...do porn companies sometimes screw over their actors (no pun intended)? Yeah, I'm sure they do, but you can say that about any job, and many here have said it...

And similar to Queer Geek, I had an episode like that once, but it was with my brother...he's a typical jock-type and while he loves me, he'd prefer I not discuss which of his friends I'd like to take to bed...I finally talked him into watching "Too Wong Fu, etc." with me...didn't know my BF at the time switched out the vhs tapes...I started it, then went to get munchies...well, you can imagine the surprise I got when I made it back to the livingroom...took my bro a week to be able to look me in the face again...lol

[The Last Archimedean]

You read and write erotica, QG? So do I. Short stories. And I don't think you're being hypocritical as long as you don't include anything in your own wrtings that you would be unhappy with people doing in real life.

[TychaBrahe]

I've heard it argued that lesbian porn, being mostly made by men for the entertainment of men, is not true to what a woman wants/feels during sex.

[Diane]

Queer Geek - Meaning no offense, but please don't use the word "tranny". A lot of us find it offensive. (I know you didn't mean it that way, and I hesitate to say anything, but... well, I have a big mouth.) Calling us "trans" works just fine, and it's actually shorter.

[Queer Geek]

@diane

I apologize Diane. I should've been more PC. Transgendered or tran should suffice.

[NC Tony]

Sleepaway Camp is a guilty pleasure (as are the two sequels starring Bruce Springsteen's sister), and yes, David DeCouteau is a hack.

For more fun info on the Sleepaway Camp series, check out my (no longer updated) site:

http://www.freewebs.com/tms414/stu.htm

[Diane]

Queer Geek - Apology certainly accepted. Thank you!

[Ted the 'Flayer]

Gay porn is big in Japan among middle-aged housewives. And I've known several women that really got turned on by gay porn. And I think it's the same reason I like lesbian and gay porn. Visual (one person you are attracted to is good, two is better), and also tone (I can't stand straight porn because in 99% of it there's no tenderness, and the guy treats the woman like an object. That doesn't arouse me in the least). My porn is mostly guy-guy and girl-girl, depending on my mood.

[mayamarie]

plus its just nice to see two guys be sweet and kissy with each other.

[Queer Geek]

It's interesting how many females on the forum are honest about is visually pleasing to them.

[carotte]

It's easier to admit that on the interwebs (made of 85% of porn) than in real life. I once had to tell a friend that there's a huge % of girls attracted by gay porn ( she was working on sexuality & kids, as in how do they learn, what they perceived). From her reaction I wasn't going to tell I've watched that once in a while...
Yaoi I think it's called for gay manga, and yeah, it's huge among teen and young adults too.
But Japan has some weird shit and fetish, the hentai animé/mangas are sometimes quite extreme (tentacles anyone? satanic sex cult?), and I was told that they are big into the whole "rape/crying/violence" (for 'live' porn) which I personally find really disturbing.

[NumismaticNerd]

@Carotte: Yaoi is MxM hentai anime and manga, and Yuri is FxF hentai. Unfortunately Yaoi is popular among American otaku too. I only say unfortunately because they force (beg plead etc) cosplayers, some who don't know one another, to make out while they take pictures.

[Queer Geek]

@carotte and Numismaticnerd

I read Yaoi as well for the obvious reasons and own a few shonen-ai/bishonen manga and DVD animes. Sometimes I do have some issues with the portrayal of the uke and seme relationship where the uke is always portrayed as some stereotypical screaming flamboyant queen. I guess this is how the manga writers see BL archetypes as part of a cultural thing. I don't know.

Actually, I prefer the mangas and the animes where the suggestive situations are implied and not shown. I always believed that what you don't see is sexier than what is displayed on screen. Gravitation, Mirage of Blaze, and Kizuna are my faves.

[Book Baby]

Oooo, did someone say, "Gay Porn"?? I will watch it with you and I am as straight as a highway across Nevada.

FWIW, not all straight porn is all about what men want. Try some of Playgirl's stuff.

[KittyKatzchen]

I read the words yaoi and erotica and got stoked. I wish I could find my old erotica I wrote. I think the site I posted them on got taken down. :( Sad, because they were really good. Maybe I can rewrite them from memory and put them up on Fetlife.

[Queer Geek]

Hahahaha! I love how we completely got off topic!

[Fortune Cookie]

*scribbles down movie titles* Great ideas there. I like watching movies about guys falling in love. Got quite a nice collection already. Most really cheesy, but oh well... :D

[The Last Archimedean]

I'm straighter than an ancient Roman road, but enjoy watching LOGO movies. Trantasia, To Wong Foo, Latter Days, Kissing Jessica Stein, Dare, Loving Annabelle...

[Queer Geek]

Oh might I suggest also Beautiful Boxer. It's a foreign film from Thailand and a true story about Nong Toom, a male kickboxer who became a regional champion and used his winnings to have gender reassingnment surgery. It's a beautifully shot film that sheds a different light on the tran community.

@Diane

You might want to check this out! Hmmm, why do I sound like Ebert and Roper?

[Lucimara]

Hello, I am writing in redrags to ordering your food. I live in Massachusetts and my husband and I eat here all the time when we come to Brooklyn. We absolutely love love love your food. My husbands birthday is coming up, and we are throwing him a surprise party. I would love to have some of his favorites sent here in time for the big day so he could have a birthday treat with the sweet taste of the vspot. If this is something we could do, please let me know. He's a huge fan of your buffalo wings and fried chicken. So when you have time please let me know what I have to do to make this happen if its possible. The party will be April 9th. Thank you for your time and delicious food Huge Fan, Stephanie White

[Syamsir]

Know who would buy this display a buddy for his other buddy a dad for his son a wife. The more you think about their moiivattons ahead of time, the more you can hone into the products and the messaging. For example, if it were a dad to a son no matter the age you could say something like, You can still be a hero to him and place a picture of a dad and son -maybe holding up a big fish, or a trophy, or the product you are selling. Get the idea? Reply

[Florian]

Hola en Colombia apenas esta endnarto este sistema, asi que aun la gente esta corriendo detras de el, y se habla como una gran empresa y panacea a las ventas, pero es real lo que dice Bob en mi caso particular hoy tome una oferta en un spa que me costo 75 y que en su normal venta vale 350 un descuento demasiado atractivo ,pero mi pregunta es igual a la de Bob son 20 sesiones o sea cada sesion en el spa recibira , 3,75 sera que si le pagaran a la trabajadora algo? como sobrevivir a ese costo es casi imposible. comparto como consultor de marketing, es un riesgo a largo y mediano plazo embarcarse en groupon, no sabemos su reaccion en esto paises como el nuestro , espero y no se transforme en una piramide como las que casi acaban nuestra economia en af1os anteriores. saludos a todos desde esta hermosa tierra Colombia, y ojala no nos caiga una peste de marketing traida como siempre de tierras mas ricas. Reply

[Dharm]

wow! that was only day 1?! was nothing like my exeeniprce in nyc but the hubby & i walked all over the place. i truly feel for you .being a fellow migraine sufferer .those wipe me out the entire day! thanks for sharing!

[Miriro]

i heared that it cusaes skin reddness and skin peeling, is it true? if its true how long will be the reddness and peeling of the skin?one question more that how long it takes time to work? thanks