Thought I’d share another high-larious story from the retail world. With all the pornhacking going on in public places, I’d thought I’d share my X-rated mishap that happened to me many moons ago. Way back when Schlockbuster was the go to place for movie rentals, my BFF and I decided to hangout at her apartment for fun night of junk food and cheesy filmfests.
Now the kind of movies we rent are your typical low grade B-film schlock horror genres like Sleepaway Camp (spoiler: The killer is a tranny!), corny chickflicks, and of course, independent gay films which we all turn into our rendition of Mystery Science Theater 2000 making fun of the ridiculous images onscreen. Anyway, I wanted to point out the gay indie movies in particular which is an essential part of this story.
Before I begin, my BFF is awesome! She’s one of those women that supports the GLBT community so I was surprised to learn that she was in the minority that likes watching two guys together. In fact, she owns a collection of the American version of Queer as Folk. If you’re familiar with this series, then you know that it doesn’t shy away from anything including the sexy parts! Don’t ask me on the psychology why some women like gay erotica because I really don’t know!
Back to what I was saying, BFF and I were at Schlockbuster picking up some movies and we decided to pick up this gay film called Latter Days. Now RHU, let me explain something. I’m really picky about GLBT films because some of them are just plain awful. Bad script. Bad direction. Bad actors. Bad story. Throw in a bunch of naked guys just for the titillation factor and you have a movie just ripe for parodying. Don’t get me wrong, there some good gay indie movies out there (Brokeback Mountain, Tipping the Velvet, Velvet Goldmine, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Eastside Story) but for every good one there are always three crappy ones. (Vampire Boys, Hellbent, and anything made by David DeCouteau.)
Anway, we rented this gay flick called Latter Days. (Rehashed Plot: A coming out tale about a Mormon missionary who falls in love with a gay party boy leading to a conflict with his faith and sexuality as he struggles to find himself among the temptations of Los Angeles. Romance, self loathing, and aversion therapy ensures! What do you think is going to happen? Yada yada yada. Don’t you want to see it now?) Little did I know that I was in for a rude awakening.
We got to her apartment, popped in the DVD, and pressed play. Now the first warning signal would have been the label of the DVD. Some films have the the title printed on the disk. This one was blank. Not thinking anything was wrong, we watched the movie.
The opening scene takes place in an auto shop. Hunky auto mechanic is fixing his car and of course has to do it shirtless because we all know good looking mechanics need to fix the engine practically naked.
BFF: Oh look that mechanic is hot!
Me: He doesn’t do for me! Plus, he looks like he overtweezes his eyebrows. God, I hate that he makes me feel inferior with that six pack of his. I gotta hit the gym someday. Pass me the pizza box! *stuffs face with pepperoni* I guess this is suppose to be some cliche romantic comedy! *Groan*
Some skinny guy enters the scene stating he has a problem with his car and needs a tune up. Mechanic says he could tune him up for him. *Start cueing up porn music.*
Me: *not thinking anything is wrong* That has to be the dumbest pick up line I’ve heard. Who wrote this? Paris Hilton?
BFF: Shhhh...what are they doing?
Skinny guy and mechanic started ripping off their clothes and go at it in the garage. Hardcore stuff ensues.
Me: AAAAAH! What the fuck? What are they doing? My eyes! My eyes! It burns! It burns! *Starts to cover them but slightly takes a peek.* Ewwww, is that even sanitary?
BFF: *rolling with laughter* We just got punk’d! Ouch! I didn’t know that position was even possible... We rented a gay porn movie! Hahhaha....
Sure enough we did. I’m sweating like a hooker in church shutting off the movie before I rush to the phone to call Schlockbuster. Already, I knew this is going to be an uncomfortable situation. Meanwhile, my BFF is hysterically laughing on the floor as I’m dialing.
Schlockbuster: Thank you for calling Schlockbuster, how can I help you?
Me: *feeling like I’m confessing to a priest* Hi, I know this is going to sound crazy but we were there earlier renting movies and I think somebody switched the DVD out of one them for another inside this case. (Forgive me Father for I have sinned many a time...)
Schlockbuster: I’m sorry that happened. What movie was it?
Me: Latter Days but the movie inside is not what it is suppose to be.
Schlockbuster: Well what was in it?
Me: Ummm...a porn movie. Not any regular porn movie mind you. A GAY porn movie.
Schlockbuster: We’re sorry to hear that. It does happen sometimes. Just return it and we will replace the movie at no charge to you.
Me: Thanks. *meekly hangs up phone*
The next day I returned the contraband item at the counter in person which they kindly replaced for me but the whole time I was so embarrassed that I kept thinking that they thought I was some perverted freak holding a gay porn DVD. In truth, I prefer the perverted freak who gets off on leveling in online gaming. (Hah! Reached level 63 on World of Warcraft! Yes! Yes! Oh God! Yes! AAAAHHHHHH!) Yet in my neurotic mind, I can’t help but wonder what those Schlockbuster workers were thinking at that moment.
*Oh look its the gay porn guy! Hey gay porn guy, we just got a new movie in called Goodwill Humping! Might we suggest Pulp Friction? How about Star Whores: The Empire Whacks Back? Hey gay porn guy...MUHAHAHAHA!*
Needless to say, it took me a long time to show my face in there again.