NC TONY's RHU Store Employee Handbook

Alright, so I promised it and here it is.

The RHU Store Employee Handbook.

Hours of operation:

8am-10pm. At exactly 8am the doors open, at ten minutes to ten a manager and security  guard will man the doors letting people out, but not letting anyone in, no matter how much they bitch.

At five minutes till ten, all customers will be herded towards the front. At 10pm, unless you are in the middle of a transaction the registers will shut down. No later than five minutes after ten the store should be clear of customers (we'll make a final sweep of the store just to make sure) and the doors will be locked, so we can clean
up and go home.

There will be a minimum of four openers/closers and a maximum of six. Security will walk employees to their cars at the end of their shifts. Employees will have their own reserved parking spaces around the corner from the front door, accessible only by a magnetic strip in your name tag (if you've forgotten your name tag then punch in your birth date).

Holidays (all paid):

New Years Eve/Day (January)
Martin Luther King Jr. Day (January)
President's Day (February)
Easter Sunday (April)
Memorial Day (May)
Independence Day (July)
Labor Day (September)
Columbus Day (October)
Close at 6pm on Halloween
Veteran's Day (November)
Thanksgiving Eve/Day/Black Friday (yes, we're closed on Black Friday!) (November)
Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Day after Christmas (December)
Allowances will be made for religious observances.

Conduct:

At the start of each shift each employee will have to sign out a taser and pepper spray. POS will have a taser, a canister of pepper spray, a clue by four and a copy of "Burger Bitch's Big Book of Insults" all within easy reach under the register. All weapons are only to be used in self defense.

If a customer is verbally abusive to you, you have full reign to be verbally abusive right back. A verbally abusive customer will be given one warning to stop, if they continue to be verbally abusive, tell them to get the fuck out.

If they refuse to leave, page security. They will kick them out. Any customer that says they'll "never shop here again" will have their picture taken and posted by the front door on the "KEEP OUT" board.

Speaking of our registers, there are ten of them, four self scans and six manned, all of which will be manned at all times (except when you go on break). All four self scans and one of the manned registers will be 15 items or less and will cut off and total up automatically after 15 items are scanned.

There is no store credit card to push onto customers. There is a reward program for our nice customers. They get a free card that gets scanned every time they shop. For every $100 they spend, they automatically get 20% off their next purchase. For nasty customers their reward is not getting tazed, sprayed or clued!

Greet customers on the floor with a simple "Hi, how are you?" if you're feeling up to it.

Do not put yourself at risk when it comes to NAT's. That's what our security force is for. Made up of former police officers, military personnel and pro athletes. There will be two in the LP office, in constant radio contact with three on the floor. The two in the office are watching the security cams and keeping an eye on suspected NAT's. Calling them out to the guys on the floor who can intercept NAT's at the front door (or the registers). In a worst case scenario they can chase them down in the parking lot.

If you are off the clock (on break or leaving/coming in) you can help customers as long as they're just asking where something is. If they need help (and ask nicely) page someone to help them. If they're nasty and entitled,
fuck 'em.

All managers will back up the employees first.

We are not babysitters. Children left unattended will be taken to customer service and the parents paged. If the parents refuse to pick up their child after 5 minutes, page them a second time. If another five minutes go by, call the police.

Two employees will be keeping an eye on the four mobility carts at the front of the store. A simple "Why do you need the cart?" will be asked. Anyone who hesitates before answering is most likely thinking of an excuse that's not "I'm a lazy fuck". Someone knowledgeable in service animals will also be at the front doors to only let in service animals. If it's not a service animal, it's not allowed in the store.

Any customer who plays the race card gets hit with the clue by four.

Employee discount of 20% on all purchases (just scan the magnetic strip in your name tag). However, all shopping must be done off the clock.

Dress code:

Jeans and a t-shirt (skirts for the ladies if you want). Just for the sake of decency a clean shirt with no offensive words or pictures (we'll get enough of those from the customers), and clean jeans.

Name tags with the store name on them, but not yours. The default will be just your initials (IE: SW, FH, TS), or a nickname (IE: Burger Bitch, WMDKitty), or if you don't want to use your RHU nickname go for something out of pop culture (IE: Vince Clortho, Throatwobbler Mangrove... props if you get the first reference, super extra props if you get that second reference!) 

Pay:
$10.25 an hour. With annual raises based on performance.

Time off:
45 minute lunch break.

One week vacation after one year. Two weeks every year after. Paid. All requests must be made at least a month in advance so we can cover your shifts.

Since you can never predict when you or your kids will get sick we will make allowances for unexpected illness. If there is a death in the family, we will allow you as much time as you need.

The schedule will be posted two weeks in advance so there is no excuse for no call/no show.

For those of you used to retail life, you should have no problem adhering to these rules and not taking advantage of the freedoms we're allowing you. For those of you new to the retail life, we know not all stores are like this but we want RHU to be a pleasant place to work with no fear of retaliation or discrimination (or any other bullshit) from customers.

Now before everyone tells me what I forgot, remember these are the rules for the employees. The rules for the
customers (coming next) will be even longer.

--NC Tony

Comments

[Spritzy]

Sounds good to me!

[Queer Geek]

I wanna work here! Where's this on Forbes top 100 companies to work for?

[The Last Archimedean]

I'd gladly work 40 hours a week in this store. More if needed.

[Spider]

Sounds awesome.

Also, I heartily approve of your reference to Monty Python, but I must regretfully inform you that your parrot has ceased to be, even though he never ate the mousse. :p

[Humor_Me]

I hope doctor's excuses are permitted, because I'm turning in my application as soon as you open!

[Cartman]

My name is Cartman and I approve this employee handbook. The rules for employees are MORE than acceptable and reasonable! *hands resume indicating desire to manage the front end* Sign me up!

[greenie]

With the name tags, I would love it if at my store we could have name tags with our last name. Growing up we were taught that it is rude to address anyone you do not know well by their first names. Even my parents abide by this rule, anyone they did not know well--even if they were the same age or younger/older--they addressed as Mr./Mrs. I hate it when I'm addressed by total strangers as "Hey, Greenie, where is the milk?" It is one of my pet peeves.

[BookBitch]

I like it all except the discount, 'cause my store gives more than that. :-) Also, Ghostbusters, and Python (Raymond Luxury-Yacht pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove is only slightly weirder than Featherstonehaugh pronounced Fanshaw, and that one's real!) ;-) I actually refuse to let people use my name. It's mine and they can't have it.

[Minder Ella]

I would love to work here...I don't care what we're selling..lol

[Arch Guy]

I'd gladly work here! Unfortunately, I only know food service from the Golden Arches view point. But I'd be willing to learn the cash register if it means I get to talk back to rude people!

[pennyslut<33]

I wasn't sure what I was reading, and I thought this was an actual place of business! I read and I was all like, "I'm going to find this place and apply right now!" Now i'm sadly disappointed lol. Great post!

[Ad Girl]

I would love to work here, but I make more than $10.25/hour. I can't take that much of a pay cut. How about those of us who make more can keep their pay rate, while those who make less can get the $10.25?

[DrugStore Diva]

Will we be allowed to physically shove custys out the door if they refuse to stop their shopping at the requisite time?

Invisibility cloaks would be nice...toss them over the shelves at closing so there's nothing to look at while being herded out the door. Smaller versions for employees to wear while walking from the front of the store to the break room.

[lamer]

The fucking non-service pets!!!!

[Kayala]

1 week a year leave? Seems small to me (UK resident)

[Paula]

Where can I get an application? lol

[Luci F]

Where the hell do I submit a resume?

[teaqueen]

HIRE ME PLEEEEEASE

[KSlave]

How fast can we open several branches. I will gladly manage one in Lou-Evil. I can even get some of my disgruntled cow-orkers to work there too.

[Ali627]

where do i send my resume(sp?)I promise I will never call in.I will also be the best employee EVER

[Ali627]

And i mean ever call in

[Alicia Douglas]

Is it harassment to tell you I Love You.Ever if it is I still Love you

[Alicia Douglas]

*Even (BTW IM ALI627 signed in with facebook instead)

[Alicia Douglas]

btw I will work 60 hours a week no prob. open to close happily

[HBCSlave]

I must work here. I volunteer to be the pricing coordinator as that is my retail dream job. :)

[Box Office Wench]

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

I deeply, deeply wish this was a real thing.

[Burger Bitch]

Man, hire me. Right now.

[Terry Everton]

More than anything, I just want a rip off the bong you're hitting.

[NC Tony]

@ Spider: I was hoping someone would get it!

@ Humor_Me: Yes, doctor's notes are allowed.

@ Greenie: Your last name on your RHU name tag is perfectly acceptable.

@ BookBitch: How much of a discount do you get? And yes, that was Ghostbusters and Monty Python I referenced in the name tag section.

@ pennyslut<33: Sorry to burst your bubble.

@ Ad Girl: It's negotiable.

@ DrugStore Diva: That's what we have security for.

@ Kayala: Only for the first year.

@ Terry: Sorry my bong.

[CashierBtch]

There are some rules there that already exist at my current job. Except the 45 minute lunch. That's what we want at work. 30 mins is too short and an hour is too long! I'd send my resume in today!

[Doh]

This shite is hilarious. Love that you want all retail workers to have 15 paid holidays (I think it was that high) when few if any office workers have that many and most have half that number.

Also like the increased number of workers on the clock and jacked up wages. Guess you want to see the cost index skyrocket (after all, prices will have to be jacked up to pay for all this) and thus negate any gains made.

Oh wait, I get it... it's a satire! That's the only thing that makes sense

[AussieFilly]

This is amazing. If/when I open my own business, I will structure my employee guidelines on this.

[Wmdkitty]

ohgodhireme.

[Mike from http://www.muranosoft.com/]

I found this pos t as very interesting. Thanks.

[ScanGunMonkey]

Troll! Troll in the dungeon!

[buggers]

Everyone in Ontario already makes 10.25 an hour - it's required by law!

[LuvsHorror]

Open the store in vestal, ny. I will work for you, I am hardworking, intelligent, honest, and diligent. Somewhat of a perfectionist.