LaughingBarista here with a story that I thought I already shared before, but apparently not.
Today, I had what was by far my worst customer in my history of working in customer service. I would take that biting German Shepard and his crazy mother any day over speaking with this woman for five minutes
It was my first call of the day at seven in the morning and I have a woman on the phone who I will now refer to as the doctor (or DR for short).
Me: Thank you for calling my name is LaughingBarista on behalf of Company, how may I assist you this morning?
DR: You can tell me why my cable is not on!
Me: I'd love to look into that for you. May I please have the telephone number associated with your account?
DR: *Gives number and verifies name and address, per requirements for company*
Me: Great, thank you. What I am seeing here is that you have a past due of $300 and a total balance of $500. You have a 30 and a 60 day past due, both of which are $150 each.
Now, for those of you not in the know, each past due amount correlates with a month's payment that was not received. As it happens, she did not pay for two months and then the final balance included her current bill from the month of June. To get her services back on, she needed to at least pay the 60 day past due (which is pretty generous as the company just interrupted her services today and she owed over two month's worth of bills). The June bill was not at all necessary.
DR: You're a liar and your company has false information. I pay my bill EACH and EVERY month and there is no way that I missed a payment. I have proof! You're wrong.
Me: Ma'am, I'm just reading what I see in front of me. To get the services back on, you would need to pay $150. From there, I would restore your services and then you would have approximately three weeks to cover the other past due balance.
DR: You are NOT listening. I do not have a past due balance! Why should I pay when I do not owe money! I also want to speak with someone in the (insert state here) office!
Me: Well ma’am, this is the payment center on behalf of Cable Company. We are located in (state) so I do not have access to that information for you.
DR: What kind of company are you that you do not have that information?!
Me: Well ma’am, we’re just the payment center on behalf of Cable Company. We are not the actual company itself.
DR: Whatever, what do I need to pay?
Me: Ma'am, there is a 30 and a 60 day past due. Now, perhaps there is a discrepancy, and if that is the case the billing department would be more than happy to assist you, but to get services up and running you would have to pay at least the $150.
DR: Fine, I will pay $150 and then my services will be on, correct?
Me: That is absolutely correct.
I then take her information from her. I would like to add that she mocked my tone of voice while I took her information. She spoke in her normal voice but whenever I asked to repeat something back, she then repeated it back.
When I was repeating back one number to her on her credit card, I was off by a digit as her voice was breathy at times.
DR: You need to listen to your customers better. That is NOT what I said! What is wrong with you!? The number is *number here*.
Me: I apologize for that inconvenience. And the name on the card is yours, is that correct?
DR: Yes, my name is Dr. Crazy Lady, M.D. Because I am a DOCTOR.
Me: Ok, great. Thank you.One moment please while I process this payment and get you your confirmation number.
I then go ahead and restore services. I tell her that the services can take up to an hour to restore, but usually restore quickly, within five to ten minutes.
DR: Ok, well I need the television on now because I live in a bad area and need to find out where all of the gunmen are hiding by watching the local news.
Me: Well I am sure that the cable will be up and running soon.
DR: Well you told me that the cable would be on immediately!
Me: Ma'am, as I stated before, the services can take up to an hour but usually only take about five to ten minutes to restore (this is pretty much a mantra at this point as I have to say this to ALL customers once they make a payment).
DR: No, you did NOT say that. You said immediately. You're a liar.
Me: Ma'am, I am not a liar. I stated before that it can take up to an hour to restore.
DR: No you did not. You are seriously a huge liar.
Me: Ma’am, I am sorry that you feel that way.
DR: Do not call me ma’am. That is so incredibly rude. Call me Doctor as I am a doctor.
Me: *scratches head and does not respond to this*
I then hear the television come on in the background.
Me: I hear the television on the background so now you can catch your morning news and get informed about your area and its crime. I’m happy to hear that has worked out for you. Is there anything else I can assist you with?
DR: Yes, I want to discontinue services. Fax me my final bill.
Me: Ma’am, to discontinue services you must first return your equipment and then they will give you a finalized bill at the local office.
DR: Send me the finalized bill NOW!
Me: Ma’am, I do not have that ability as I do not have access to a fax machine, let alone do I have the ability to disconnect services. (Also, why is she trying to disconnect when she just got the services back on?) It is your local office who deals with that and any other questions about that can be forwarded to the disconnects department.
DR: Then email the final bill to me.
Me: Ma’am, I do not have that ability either. Like I said, that is not within my jurisdiction. That is the local office who does that once you return all of your equipment.
DR: You are extremely incompetent! How do you even work for Cable Company?
Me: Well ma’am, I do not work for Cable Company but rather, I work for a payment center on behalf of Cable Company
DR: So you do not even work for Company?
Me: No, as I said previously, I work on behalf of company at a payment center.
DR: Then why the fuck have I been speaking with you?
Me: Well ma’am, said company does not open until 8AM so we are here so you can speak with a live representative as opposed to waiting to speak with one until 8AM.
DR: Well, you haven’t at all been helpful so I don’t know what the point of that is. What is your name?
Me: Laughing Barista. That is B-A-R-I-S-T-A.
DR: Hangs up.
I later looked into her account because she refused to have me look at her bill to break it down for her because I’m “a liar and just making things up.” She never made a payment in February or May. So much for never missing a payment, right?
--LaughingBarista
What a lunatic. I feel sorry for her patients...
Posted by: The Last Archimedean | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 01:52 AM
Too bad you couldn't just turn her services right back off. "Oh, you want to discontinue your service. One moment please." Flip switch. "There you go. You now owe us an additional disconnection fee."
Posted by: NC Tony | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 08:42 AM
Has anyone ever met anyone who puts their title (Dr., M.D.) on their credit card and isn't a rampaging asshole?
Posted by: shuichiboy | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 10:43 AM
Ten bucks she's a psychologist. -_-
Posted by: Evie | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 10:52 AM
@Evie: She's actually a dermatologist. I was curious so I looked her up. And let me tell you, her reviews were awful.
@Shuichiboy: I've never heard of anyone doing that in the first place. That's the sign of an egomaniac.
Posted by: Laughing Barista | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 12:18 PM
lol NC Tony. I would have done the same thing, because I know she would get the info for my supervisor and complain anyway.
Posted by: Mollywobbles | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 03:23 PM
Wait, she really was an MD???
Damn! Did her reviews include the words "bat-shit crazy"?
Posted by: Chicajojobe | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 08:21 PM
'Doctor' isn't too bad - I had a customer who insisted he be called 'coach'. Just a piddly high school coach too. (And a jackass - went out of his way to shake hands and then crushed the other hand, including smaller females like myself.)
Still, what a nutcase. I would love to hear her interpretation of the news, I have to say!
Posted by: Nikki | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 11:10 PM
While I agree that this woman was horrible, I have a question for clarification: When you asked her ot repeat something and she did. How is that mocking?
About the disconnecting service. I've had people, they complain, you're incompetent, they rage quit and terminate their contract. Standard procedure for any stupid crusty.
Posted by: Fortune Cookie | Monday, June 18, 2012 at 11:22 PM
@Fortune Cookie
I'm thinking it was similar to an apologetic 'I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you. Could you please repeat the security phrase?' and the custy repeating the phrase in the same apologetic tone to mock you.
Posted by: Terah | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 02:14 AM
Did you actually give her your screen name? That's epic :D
Posted by: Kimosabe | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 07:17 AM
I was wondering the same thing, you gave her an online alias?
Posted by: RetailTrollSlayer | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 07:43 AM
hey now easy on the psychologists...psych major lol..kidding..some can be right asses. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with her. I used to deal with people like her three and four times a day.
They get old really fast, especially when they insinuate that you are stupid or lower than they are for working in a service position.
Posted by: BrianTheWerewolf | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 10:29 AM
@Kimosabe and Retailtrollslayer: No, lol. I did, however, give her my alias for that job (which is just a normal name, although not my real name).
@Fortune Cookie: I asked if it would be ok if I repeated back her credit card number for verification purposes (we have to do this) and she replied "Well, I guess if you have to' but she said it in a way that it was obvious that she was making fun of my tone of voice. Whens he was normally talking she was very breathy and generally not talking loudly or clearly. But when I asked her that she mocked the cheeriness of my voice. Trust me when I tell you that this isn't me being crazy, she was definitely mocking me.
@Chicajojobe: No, but they did include: "She wears belly shirts" and "worst bedside manner.'
Posted by: Laughing Barista | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 10:39 AM
Laughing Barista,
Sorry for your crappy crusty. Not all docs are assholes. All of the ones I work with would be horrified at this story. I feel really bad for her poor patients.
Posted by: Minidoc | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 03:37 PM
I have trouble believing this caller is really a doctor. Nutjob with possible mental health issues? Absolutely!
Posted by: Queer Geek | Tuesday, June 19, 2012 at 04:22 PM
MK, can you be more specific on how to guest-post for a niche site? I'd unnadsterd guest posting for an authority blog or a fan page of something, but for a made-for-shopping niche site, I've never seen it before, I'd love to know how.Thanks Dave
Posted by: Daniel | Friday, July 27, 2012 at 09:02 AM
Wow, nobody semeed to like this mission. I think differently, it's freakin' brilliant and I would've loved to be in it. Sadly, though, I'd get terrified at the first sign of suspicion, ruining the whole thing.Anyway, this was awesome. Loved the interview videos, they're something that other missions could use.
Posted by: Amanda | Friday, July 27, 2012 at 11:05 AM