NC Tony's New Store Rules For Custys

Okay, so I know it's been a long time coming, but it's finally here.

The customer rules for the RHU store.

After all, we all have rules that we're supposed to follow, but customers do not even though they should. So here we go,  and in some parts of this I'm adding in some Retail Slaves Wish List items.

Of course the one question I kept asking myself is this: How would we make these rules available to the customers? Obviously we can't hand them out to customers as they walk in. Maybe full page ads in the
newspapers (both actual physical papers and online)?

We open at 8:00 am. Not 7:50, not 7:55, not 7:59. 8:00 am, by our clocks, not yours.
We close at 10:00 pm. We stop letting customers in at 9:50. We expect to lock the doors behind our last  customer no later than 10:10. Do not show up at 10:00 expecting to be let in.

Dear customer:

The rules for you start in our parking lot. Mainly the handicap spaces. Each space is equipped  with a medical scanner. If the scanner indicates that no one in the car is in any way handicapped (and yes, the scanner can pick up "invisible" handicaps), our on site tow trucks will be called into action and will tow your car as far away from the doors as possible. They will even be nice enough to point out where your car is, but you're going to have to walk your lazy butt over to it.

The same rules go for our mobility carts. If the scanner says you're not in any way handicapped, you'll have to walk just like everyone else.

Service animals are welcome in our store, however, it HAS to be a legitimate service animal. Our resident service animal expert will ask a couple of quick questions and if they determine that your animal is not a service animal it will not be allowed in the store. If you decide to leave your animal in the car and come back into shop, we will call the police and break into your car to rescue the animal.

Don't threaten to "Never shop here again". We'll hold you to that by taking a picture of you and entering it into our database. If you try to come back to the store, an alarm will sound and you will be reminded that you said you would "never shop here again". This policy also applies to any one who's been banned.

Do not insult our associates. Do not insult their race, sexual orientation, gender, intelligence level, etc. Because they will fire back, they have a full roster of insults at the ready, and much like you did to them, they will make snap judgements based on your appearance. You will get one warning and one warning only to stop insulting and degrading our employees, after that you will be banned from the store. On the other side of this, DO NOT play the race, gender, religion or any other card. Look around, we employ associates of both genders, various races, religious backgrounds, sexual orientations, etc. We don't discriminate.

If you physically assault any of our employees, be forewarned, they each carry a can of mace and a fully charged tazer. Plus our on-site security guards are always roaming the store, each has been trained subdue you in non lethal (but very painful) ways.

Do not whistle or snap your fingers to get attention. Do not walk up to an employee and issue a one word declaration of what you want. You will be ignored. A simple "Excuse me, can you help me find [item]?" will be enough to get you the help you need. If the employee is busy with another customer, have the common decency
to wait until they are done before asking for help.

Please do not open a box to make sure all the parts of the item are in the box. If for some reason all the parts are not there (or are broken) simply bring the item back (with receipt), within the return period and we will replace it.

WE ARE NOT BABYSITTERS! This is not a daycare and we are not authorized to watch or discipline your children. Do not leave your children on their own and tell them to "play" while you shop. We will not (and due to our lawyers) can not be held responsible for any injuries your child suffers due to parental negligence. If you cannot control or discipline your children, it is not our fault, it is yours. Also, any child left unattended will be taken to customer service and the parents paged. If you do not show up to retrieve your child within five minutes, you will be paged again. If another five minutes pass, we will call the police to report an abandoned child.

Please do not presume to know more than the employees. They've been trained to work here, you have not. If we tell you something, chances are we know what we're talking about. If you don't want to follow our advice, or don't like the answers to your questions, then don't ask.

Please don't just drop items anywhere if you decide you don't want them. We are always watching, and on occasion will track you down with the discarded item and ask you to put it back where you found it. We will follow you to make sure you do. In the same vein, please do not leave your trash on a random shelf. We have
numerous trash cans placed conveniently around the store. Please use them.

 

OUR FITTING ROOMS ARE NOT BATHROOMS! Since we cannot legally place cameras in the fitting rooms we have done the next best thing. We have placed sensors in the floor and walls that will detect the presence of urine or feces. And we will publicly embarrass you. The fitting room door will lock from the outside and a "code brown" will be issued. Our specially trained bio-hazard clean up unit will be dispatched to the fitting rooms to clean up and escort and ban you from the store. The same will apply for the sick people out there who think it's funny to spread their feces on the walls of the bathroom stall. The stall will lock from the outside and the bio-hazard team will show up to clean up and ban you from the store.

If you need to change your child's diaper, please do so in one of the two fully equipped changing rooms. Each changing room (one in the front of the store, the other in the back) has six changing tables for your convenience. Do not change your child in the aisle, at the checkout, or anywhere else in the store.

Our return policy is as follows. You have 60 days from the date of purchase to return an item provided a) you have the receipt (or if you paid with a credit card, the card), b) the item is in resealable condition. Some exceptions may apply (for example if you bring in something 61 days after purchase, as long as it meets the above conditions and you're nice about it, we'll process the return), and customer service can make judgement calls on all returns.

We have four lanes set aside for 20 items or less. These registers are programmed to shut down after 20 items and total up the purchase. If you have more than 20 items they will have to be run through on a separate transaction.

If you are on your cell phone while checking out the cashier will ignore you and take the next person in line. If you can't be bothered to take time out your phone call to talk to us, we won't interrupt your important phone call to check you out.

If you fail to put the money in the cashiers hand, they will not put your change back in your hand.

We will not accept $100 bills for any purchase that is less than $50. We also have new high tech scanners to sniff out counterfeit bills.

If you try to cheat the WIC/EBT system your card will be rejected (due to the new system installed in our registers that monitors what you're buying).

If you try to buy alcohol or tobacco products while underage we will confiscate your fake ID (again, new system in our computers that can spot even the best fake ID), and probably laugh at you.

Do not ask for/demand a discount outside of any sales/specials we already have. You won't get it. As stated earlier if an item is damaged, broken, or missing pieces, we will replace it with an undamaged item. If our security determines that you intentionally damaged the item with the intent of getting a discount, we will charge you for the item, plus a $5 charge for damaging the item in the first place.

We have a vigilant security team watching you at all times. See those black half globes on the ceiling? They're cameras. We have security guards walking the aisles and if we catch anyone stealing something they will cut you off in the aisles, at the register or (if need be) in the parking lot. We will prosecute.

Don't tell us an item is cheaper at our competition. We don't price match. If it's cheaper there, then go there.

Don't threaten to get an employee fired. We'll kick you out and ban you.

Each shopping cart is equipped with an electronic bracelet that will latch on to you as soon as you touch the cart (don't be cute and get your kids to grab the cart, the bracelets are calibrated to target adults). The bracelet will only come off after you have returned the cart to a corral in the parking lot. If you do not return the cart the
bracelet will tighten the further away from the cart you get.

Most of these rules have NO EXCEPTIONS! Only special cases will get exceptions (these are taken on a case by case basis). However, we do not want you to think we will be rude to our customers. We are here to make your shopping a pleasant experience, we are not here to be your slaves or targets for your entitled/bad attitudes. If you treat us with respect, we will show you the same respect. If you treat us like crap, we will treat you like crap.

And as always, what did I forget?

-NC Tony

Comments

[Kiddo]

Awesome list! One question though, what about teenagers that think it's funny to go shrieking around the store?

[The Last Archimedean]

I would use this store for all my shopping needs. Not having to deal with the usual zoo and having everyone, customers and salescreks, acting polite would be worth the extra $5 I paid for my groceries.

[Govt peon, aka the gman's pee man.]

But I'm a snnooowwwflake! :-D Can we implement this at my office too?

[Book Baby]

PLEASE let me shop at this store!

[NumismaticNerd]

*whine* but- but- breaking $100s is how I've gotten most of my collectable bills and coins...

[LaserSpawn]

dude, i would love working here! tony already said i could have a special clue-by-four with a built in cattle prod!

[Luci F]

I'd like to apply for a lifetime membership. I'll enter a monogomous customer relationship with this store!

[Humor_Me]

Where do I turn in my application? I'll work full time, over time, over night, cleaning bathrooms, ANYTHING to work there! *LOVES TONY!*

[Queer Geek]

I'm in need of a job! Hire me at this company NC Tony!

[Flo]

You forgot the most important rule: Shop here quickly, as we will be out of business next week.

[trekkiebabe31]

Brilliant list, Tony! I'll sign up too, cashiering sounds like a heavenly experience! Btw, I did actually tell a preteen girl to put back a bookmark yesterday, I watched her take it off the display, look at it and then throw it on the table, so I said "Put it back" in a semi loud voice. She did! :)

[NC Tony]

@ Kiddo: Well we politely ask them once and only once to stop acting like assclowns, if they refuse show them the door.

@ Flo: In the real world yes, in a perfect world every store would be like this.

@ Laserspawn and Humor Me: You two know you would already have jobs if this store were real. And HM, who do you think my service animal expert is?

[CharlieWhiskyMike]

And no Coupons will be allowed in this Shop and no putting together different Discount. If the customers are bad at math they will take courses to learn and if they are unable to learn it they accept every competent explanation without insisting or they will stop shopping.

[Mollywobbles]

Where do I put in my application? Awesome list!

[Arch Guy]

I seriously want to put in an application here too! I'd gladly work in the deli section of the store.

[frozenterror]

Employees who come in on their days off to shop will be given oxgoads to use on people who just stand around doing nothing.

(An oxgoad is basically a cattle prod without electricity...no sense in incapacitating someone who you're trying to force to move)

[WMDKitty]

Oh my god, if this were a real store, I'd love an invisible-in-the-background-shuffling-papers position.

[snuzzle]

Well since you asked what you mised... other than the minor quibble over the phrase "both genders" instead of "various" being used there too? This store sounds *awesome*. It'd be kept in business by the retail slaves all seeking out this store above all others :D

[March]

I object to the associates stooping to the level of crustys. Insults should be based on level of intelligence, not appearance; snide but subtle and definitely non-[whatever]IST in nature. We are NOT LIKE THEM. Roight?

[Heh]

Why not simplify it down to 'Please don't bother shopping here, we don't want any business at all.'? Unsterstandable where it comes from, but highly hostile.

One thing does stick out at me--they should be allowed to open the box (at time of purchase, not in the aisle) to make sure all the parts are there--but *not* then proceed to ask for an unopened one (which always strikes me as stupid--why trade the verified article for a new unknown??)

[TechTiger]

It actually boils down to 'don't be a dick'. It's just more detailed.

And no, they shouldn't be allowed to open the box. No reason for it. If nobody's allowed to open the box, there won't BE any missing parts to look for.

[Pita]

Having the cashier put the money on the counter would be unbelievably preferable to me. In Japan, where I used to live, you don't usually hand people money. Typically there's a little dish that you put your money in and the clerk puts the change in. Putting my money on the counter is the habit I just can't break and it gets so fantastically awkward in that second where they're trying to hand me money and I'm waiting for them to lay it down.