Queer Geek wrote this post last month before his exit at The Big Fancy. I wasn't able to get it up at the time, but it here is for all of you RHUers to enjoy! I sort of remembering doing something similiar at The Big Fancy! I loved finding ways to annoy the annoying custys!
I’ve just discovered a way to fend off bloodsucking custys! Care to know the secret? Well let Queer Geek share with you.
We have this one old regular custy lady who comes in two to three times a week and returns shit like there’s no tomorrow. I mean the hefer buys things on her credit card and returns them the next day for cash.
I suppose she thinks we’re like an ATM bank since she is too lazy to go to the automated teller herself to withdraw cash. Not only is this annoying as fuck but it is a complete waste of time for the retail slave who is trying to make his or her commission.
In addition, she always uses some flimsy excuse like the gift recipient didn’t like the item or it didn’t fit. Really? Then why are you coming in two to three times a week to return something your ungrateful Hellspawn does not like each time?
Adding to the obnoxious behavior of this biddy is the fact that every time she comes in, she dumps a stack of used shopping bags on my counter and tells me to reuse them.
These baggies have been used. No custy in their right mind would want to be given a dirty bag with hair and trash inside of it! I usually have to toss the offending refuse in the recycling bin.
Fed up with this bloodsucker, I finally decided to enact my revenge the other day. Right on time, the hefer came in with a bunch of her purchases to return. She gives the usual excuse.
Bloodsucker: I want to return this. My son didn’t like any of the items. (It was a woman’s watch.) It didn’t fit.
Me: Okay, we can take care of that for you. *Start taking care of her return.*
Now RHU, here’s where the revenge kicks in.
What is the one thing that bloodsucking custys and regular custys hate in general in retail?
That’s right RHU, good ol’ QG became the one thing most people hate in the retail business. Plastering a fake smile on my face, I start my spiel.
Me: Before I finish this up, you know we had another thing your son would like. It comes in all sorts of colors. Yellow, green, blue, lavender, pink, blah…blah…blah…
Bloodsucker: That’s okay. I just want my money. I’ll shop later.
Me: But why stop now when we can do the shopping for you? You need a certain size. Let me look it up for you. You know what we can check if the other stores have it in other colors. Let me call for you…blah…blah…blah..
Bloodsucker: *growing impatient* That’s okay, I just want to return it…
Me: Don’t worry we can look for it for you. *Starts calling on the phone researching other options. Bloodsuckers is starting to get angry but I ignore her.* Oh look we have one just right for him. It comes in blue in a masculine color in this size and it the hottest thing we see in all the fashion magazines right now…
Me: *ignoring her* But we have something so much better. He doesn’t like that gift. Well how about this men’s cosmetics items item? It’s a great skin conditioner that exfoliates and massages the pores and would be a wonderful addition to the gift you’re looking for him…
Bloodsucker: I JUST WANT TO RETURN IT! I’M IN A HURRY!
This goes on for two minutes where I finally wear her out and start to finish her return. However before giving her the money, I throw in one last triumphant sales pitch.
Me: Here’s you money. Now next time you come in, bring in your information so we can open up a loyalty account with us since you come in to shop with us frequently.
Bloodsucker: I DON’T UNDERSTAND! I DON’T WANT A LOYALTY ACCOUNT! I JUST WANTED TO RETURN THESE ITEMS!
Me: No problem. We’ll open one for you now. Just give me your information and we’ll open up your loyalty account in a few seconds. What’s your address, your phone number, social security number, and the rest of your personal info?
Bloodsucker: I DON’T WANT TO OPEN UP A LOYALTY ACCOUNT! I’M IN A HURRY! I JUST WANTED TO RETURN THE THINGS THAT I BOUGHT!
Me: No problem. We’ll open your loyalty account the next time so bring in all your information and we’ll find a nice gift for your son and we’ll also get you started with using that new loyalty account. We’ll see you the next time you come in.
Bloodsucker: I DON’T WANT TO OPEN UP A LOYALTY ACCOUNT! I’M NOT COMING HERE AGAIN!
Even I know she will be back next week.
Me: No problem. We’ll see you here next week and we’ll open up that loyalty account and look for that gift for you son in the right color….
Bloodsucker: I’M NOT COMING BACK HERE! ARGGHHHH!
She leaves folks but it seems lil’ ol’ me got the last laugh. So RHU, my challenge to you is this. If you have a bloodsucking custy, I double dare you to be a pushy salesperson.