I haven’t thrown in the towel just yet. So far I’ve got two interviews in another area of the retail hell field so hopefully one will pan out. It’s good to know that I can still file unemployment and use the resources my taxes have paid into if I have to. Believe me folks, I’m pimping myself out as best I can in this troubled economy.
For this post, I wanted to share something high-larious while I was doing the jobless thang. After Big Fancy decided to lay me off, I was feeling sorry for myself for a few days that I kept looking into other possible options for the next phase in my life. Then it hit me. Vocational schools!
You know the one where they advertised catchy slogans like “Do you want to learn pole dancing? Gun repair? Bernie Madoff Ponzi schemes? Well you too can join the growing profession of students willing to be swindled into taking out billions of students loans into a career field that cannot guarantee job placement at Vocation College!”
Yes folks I almost went that route. Here’s how it went down. I was doing my usual filing my resume through various websites when one of the internet job sites popped a stupid browser window. Now I should’ve known better than to fill out my personal info but according to the pop-up if I wanted to ACTUALLY get on the site, I would have to fill out my life history to bypass to the next step. BIG MISTAKE. The problem is that it generated to the vocational/training school network who immediately contacted me about various schools in my area. My phone rings.
CALLER: Hello is this Queer Geek? Queer Geek, this Joe Schmoe. I work for Vocational Search Engine and we would like to connect you to several schools in your area. It says here you are interested in the rewarding career in the health field. Let me connect you…
ME: Wait…I just wanted information.
*Phone rings.* CALLER: Hello Queer Geek. This Vocational School Number 1 and we would like to view the Power Point presentation on your e-mail. See how wonderful our school is and tuition is a lot of money but don’t worry you can take out one of student loans. Let me connect you to our enrollment and financial aid department…
ME: Can’t you just mail me the brochures? I’m still trying to figure out my life right now.
CALLER: Heaven’s no! We want your money. Let me connect you... *click*
I hang up the phone but not before the phone rings again. Stupid me picks it up.
CALLER: Hello Queer Geek. This Jane Doe from Vocational Christian School Number 2. We want your money and want to tell you all the exciting classes and tuition fees as the Lord would have wanted. Let’s connect you to our admissions and financial aid department.
ME: You do know I’m jobless and have no money right now?
CALLER: Just pray for the Lord and He will Giveth to You. We have student loans that will pay for school as part of our Christian charity. All we need to do is connect you to the right department…
ME: You do know that I like dudes, right?
CALLER: Ummm…uh…we’re not the right school for you. I apologize that you going to burn in Hell. *Hangs up.*
I thought this was over. Then suddenly, the phone rings again.
CALLER: Hello Queer Geek, this is Douche and I want to explain all about our exciting career school Vocational School Number 3…
ME: Look I appreciate you guys calling me. Right now I’m weighing in my options so I can’t make any decisions right now. Please just mail me your brochures and I will happily get in touch with your admissions office if I decide to go back to school.
CALLER: But that’s not how it works. We want your money so we will harass you daily until you join of cult like Scientology. Since you won’t join us now, we’ll call you tomorrow. *Hangs up.*
Sure enough, they did but I had a couple excuses up my sleeve.
CALLER: So Queer Geek have you made a decision on joining our school?
ME: You know I’m going to have to decline so you can take me off your calling list.
CALLER: What? You’re unemployed. What other options do you have?
ME: *lying* I’ve been offered a position elsewhere. It is rather questionable depending on the illegality of it all but all I can say that I’m an avid smoker of the product and I’ll be involve with various groups of people in different degrees of undress. It’s rather lucrative when you think about it as long as law enforcement does not get involved.
CALLER: Well I’m sorry we’ve wasted your time. *Hangs up.*
In all seriousness folks, I finally told these vocational schools to stop calling me. I’ve been doing some research and discovered that the real truth behind these institutions is that they make money through their astronomical student loans.
In addition to that, the job market is saturated with medical assistants grads who can’t find employment due to the competitive nature of the field and the companies asking for one to two years of experience so the chances of finding a job is really slim. Therefore, their advertising of guaranteed job placement is not true. Also pay rate wise is no different than what you would be making full time in the retail hell industry so that is also a misnomer.
I then considered vocational nursing but I then I talked to my younger sister who is an RN and she beat the advice into me. Don’t do it for the money. Do it because you enjoy working and helping patients. Also, you will be working with a lot of bodily fluids (and no this is not a porn set) so hopefully you have a strong stomach for this sort of thing.
Hmmm, I have much to consider.