Guys, this is too stupid to be made up.
I’m choosing to believe it.
Dude comes through the window today and has a debit card. As per policy, I ask to see his ID, which is required for any purchases used with debit or credit cards.
He hands me his ID, which is from Oregon and stamped across his picture are the words ‘SEX OFFENDER’.
I try to be cool, and simply say ‘So. You’re from Oregon?’
With a sigh, he proceeds to explain to me WHY he is a sex offender, and I haven’t had a good laugh like this in a while.
Dude has a goat tied up in his back yard, and he goes out, stuffs a sock in the exhaust pipe of his riding lawn mower and proceeds to fuck it. However, something happened and the lawn mower STARTS UP. I’m not sure how, but it starts up on him and he screams and his neighbors call the police to help him. They show up and free his dick from the tail pipe of this lawn mower and arrest him for ‘Molestation of a Lawn Mower’.
To top this all off, he claims he looked at the officer and said ‘If this hadn’t have happened, I was going to fuck the goat next.’
At least he had the good sense to be ashamed of himself, I suppose.
--Terah
I guess the mower pressed charges.
Posted by: Lorie | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 12:32 AM
I guess the mower pressed charges.
Posted by: Lorie | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 12:32 AM
I personally wondered if it somehow returned drunken advances. Why would anyone want to have sex with a lawn mower?
Posted by: Terah | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 03:06 AM
*double facepaw*
Posted by: WMDKitty | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 04:00 AM
I could happily have lived the rest of my life without reading why that guy was a sex offender.
[Reaches for the brain bleach]
Damn, it didn't work. I'll never get that image out of my head.
Seriously... what the actual f***? "If that hadn't happened, I was going to f*** the goat next?" And I wasn't aware there was an actual criminal statute concerning molestation of lawn mowers. Is that a serious problem up in Oregon?
Posted by: The Last Archimedean | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 04:28 AM
@Terah - People have sex with weird things. I've heard of guys doing their cars either in the tailpipe or the opening for the gas tank. There was that guy a few years back who was having sex with a table (the kind with a hole for the umbrella) in full view of the elementary school across the street.
Honestly, guys, if you can't afford a Fleshlight, just follow the instructions on the internet on how to make one using an old can and a sock.
Posted by: Jami | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 08:19 AM
What ever happened to good ol masturbation? If you can't afford a sex toy (or even if you can) close the blinds and take matters into your own hands.
Posted by: NC Tony | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 08:31 AM
I agee with NC Tony. Obviously, this guy has not heard of his right hand.
Posted by: Queer Geek | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 09:54 AM
http://www.cracked.com/article_17098_the-6-strangest-objects-people-were-caught-having-sex-with.html
Here ya go, guys. Could have sworn Jami's table guy was in that article, too, but skimming through it, I don't see him. Where the hell did I read about that guy?
Posted by: Mollywobbles | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 11:48 AM
That guy was full of bullshit. First, a mower doesn't randomly turn on. Secondly, surely he would have enough time to scramble his ass inside and release the goat in the time that it took the neighbors to call the cops and them to get there. Finally, I think he would get a lewd act or an indecent exposure charge, not a molestation charge resulting in being added to a sex offender list.
I'm sure he had a lot of time to think up the craziest story possible while he was serving time for molesting some little kid.
Posted by: Boho | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 12:04 PM
I might be extremely twisted, but I laughed so hard imagining that...
Posted by: Lita | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 01:16 PM
he proly got drunk and peed on a lamppost and got busted as a sex offender for that.
Posted by: maya marie | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 03:40 PM
Oh No - Please don't let this affect your impression of Oregonians....We aren't all like this...
Posted by: weldrwomn | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 03:50 PM
It's true, not all of us are bat shit crazy lawn mower molesters. Plus, if he was on his own property, I don't see how it was even a crime... Our state if fucking crazy sometimes.
Posted by: CashierBtch | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 04:57 PM
@Mollywobbles -
http://youtu.be/MbY0j02cNqY
http://blog.trutv.com/dumb_as_a_blog/2008/06/man-who-has-sex.html
Posted by: Jami | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 06:42 PM
If this isn't a story worthy of What The Fuck Is Wrong With You, I don't know what is.
Posted by: Spider | Friday, August 31, 2012 at 10:28 PM
Wow....just..wow....and I thought Florida had some crazies (well, we do have some people who find faces deeeee-licious).
Posted by: Svantus, the Steelport Psychopath (formerly the Wage Slave Avenger) | Saturday, September 01, 2012 at 01:33 AM
@ Spider: Then send it to Nash!
Posted by: NC Tony | Saturday, September 01, 2012 at 08:21 AM
Tony, wouldn't we need some kind of news article authentication? Not that I'm doubting Terah or anything, but I tried googling for actual confirmation that what he said is true and so far I'm not finding anything.
Posted by: Spider | Saturday, September 01, 2012 at 06:42 PM
@weldrwomn I'm not sure, my best friend is from Oregon and it's like pulling teeth to get him to piss in a bathroom instead of on the lawn. No joke it's really weird.
This story outlines how absurd the registered sex offender laws are. It really needs to apply only to those who have comitted rape, or moletation type crimes. Not to people who got a little wasted and pissed in an alleyway at 3am.
Posted by: Skittles | Sunday, September 02, 2012 at 01:51 AM
I think rape [at any age] or any sexual offense against a child [anyone 12 or younger having sexual contact with an adult, 18 or over] should be an automatic life sentence, no parole. Then we wouldn't need ID's that say "sex offender" because all the convicted sex offenders would actually be in prison!
Posted by: The Last Archimedean | Sunday, September 02, 2012 at 02:45 AM
While I laughed -hard- at this, and I give the guy props for being creative, there are some holes, pun intended, in his story. First, most riding mower exhaust pipes end in a muffler. Those that don't are not at an angle or size conducive to, um, doing the deed. Second, as pointed out earlier, they do not suddenly start up by themselves. It's conceivable that in the throes of passion he may have brushed up against the key, but unless it was brand new he would have enough cranks (again, pun intended) before it started to pull out. Third, and this was confirmed by a police officer, at most he would have been sentenced to indecent exposure, which does not require you to register as a sex offender. Bottom line: he was fucking the goat.
Posted by: Riferous | Sunday, September 02, 2012 at 06:10 AM
@Riferous
The laws that determine who is an isn't a registered sex offender vary by state, and judge presiding over sentencing the case. It very well could be the guy was telling the truth.
Posted by: Skittles | Monday, September 03, 2012 at 01:33 AM
Spider and NC Tony......I LOVE YOU. Fellow Nash fan here.
Posted by: KittyMarie | Thursday, December 20, 2012 at 11:09 AM