Pet Store Hell: Suburban Mom Bitches Dropping Off Their Hellspawn

Call me Polo-Necked Strip Mall Monkey. I'm in my third year as a pet store retail slave.

My bane are Moms. The mean girls of high school are amateurs - Moms are the Major League. 

These middle class suburban bitches think that just because some Stockholm Syndrome-afflicted slug boffed them one dark night, and 9 months later they popped a chupacabra from their cooter entitles them to the privileges and cruelty of Queen Cleopatra. 

When I see a van pull into the parking lot I begin to hyperventilate and retch. I can neither flee or fight, because I am a slave. 

One of our business neighbors is a nail salon. Moms meet up there to have a strip mall Spa Day where some poor Vietnamese slave must clean and polish their grizzly bear claws.

They unleash their feral hellspawn into our pet store. The hellspawn have been cooped up at home all day playing violent video games and are high on fructose corn syrup. Rampaging out of Mom's van, they run wild-eyed into the store with the ferosity of Huns pillaging a peasant village. 

Hellspawn run up and down the aisle as fast as they can, practise Tae Kwon Do kicks, bang on the budgie cage, jump up and down on the window sills. 

If Mom is in the store, she is on her cell phone, with her teacup "morkie" on a 16 foot string Flexie, which pisses on merchandise and shits on the floor. 

Hellspawn will not tolerate a suggestion to settle down. They tell Mom that a The Mean Lady who isn't Mom yelled at them, and she comes after us with blazing eyes and bared fangs.

Moms know the power they have to unleash terror upon retail slaves in this economy. I've had these bitches goad me, trying to break me down so I get smart with them, or better yet, lose my cool. Their goal is to either force the owner of the store to give them free pet supplies for life, or the Ultimate Win of getting me fired. They would orgasm if I would lose my job because of their complaint.

I've had them scream in my face. I've had them stage whisper insults intended for my ears to cause me emotional pain. I've had them slam merchandise on the counter or throw it across the store. I've had them calling the manager to complain about how their experience in the store was, and I quote one of them, the worst experience of her life...

...all for the crime of keeping an eye on their kids, to protect our merchandise and the little pets we sell  from being damaged. We try to keep their Hellspawn from injuring themselves by running into glass, cutting themselves on broken ceramic dog bowls they break, being bitten by tormented parrots and hamsters, which is, in turn, trying to protect the owner of the store from injury lawsuits.

This election year, I will vote for whichever candidate promises to ban vans.

--Polo-Necked Strip Mall Monkey

Comments

[The Last Archimedean]

Can't the store owner impose a rule: any child who misbehaves continuously is immediately ejected from the store and both them and their parents are banned?

[LadyBelle]

If the parents leave the store and the children unattended, then phone the local police and inform them there is an abandoned child in the store and the parents are not present. If the mom has to suffer the embarrassment and probably a lecture about child neglect, then they might realize leaving the kids for a store employee to watch isn't the best idea.

If the manager has a fit, then just get all wide eyed and tell how you saw this news report of a child that was abandoned by his step father in a store and you were soooo concerned with the child's safety.

For the mother's that remain in the store, have a sign posted, or calmly explain to them that they are responsible for purchasing any merchandise that children or pets damage or break.

Also included should be the sign "unattended children will be given a puppy and an espresso"

[Chicajojobe]

Then later when their spawn have spawn of their own the graduate to the elite league...grandparents!
At least in Baby Store Hell grandparents are the worst!
Moody pregnant women, frazzled moms trying to shop with a screaming brood, and clueless dads are their own annoyance but they don't compare to grandparents when it comes to shopping for baby clothes!
One did try to get me fired, and I think she thought she succeeded because the next time I saw her in the store was Christmas Eve...and she complained about the fact that I had not been fired when she complained 3 months before.

[Nyxie]

I totally feel your pain! I was a pet store slave for 4 long years before I actually got a job in my field. Those flexi leashes were the bane of my existence! (What's the purpose of even putting a dog on a "leash" if you're going to give it 16 feet of free reign anyway??)Luckily I had a pretty awesome manager who didn't force us to take all the crap the moms threw at us. I agree with the above posters. Talk to your manager about establishing a 'you break it, you buy it' policy. And also make it very clear that you won't allow the animals to be tormented, because that's just not fair to them. Good luck in pet store hell!

[Su Chan]

Great story, you had me at "chupacabra"

[Mollywobbles]

That article was fan-fucking-tastic. It's one of the first articles that actually drew my husband in - I think you had him at "popped a chupacabra from their cooter". Absolutely brilliant. Neither of us have ever worked at a pet shop, though I can certainly imagine your pain. Moms these days are the worst.

[CharlieWhiskyMike]

Put on a sign that says: unattended children will get a pair of Free rats who are ready to procreate.

[Skittles]

@CharlieWhiskyMike
That's even better than my thought of offering free puppies or kittens to each Hellspawn. Nothing drives me more nuts than horrible parents who think that just because they have had a child means they are the ultimate authority on raising one.
I had a fun confrontation with an idiot I work with when she explained that she was late, because she spent 2 hours bargaining with her two year old over when to go to bed. Due to my overwhelming shock I exclaimed you bargained with your child over bedtime why the heck would you do that? She proceeded to yell at me for a good five minutes about I have no idea how to deal with a child since I have none of my own, blah blah. I pointed out that I practically raised my siter and have taken child development, and child psychology classes in college. She said it's not the same thing and wouldn't talk to me for roughly a week. Jokes on her though it was the best week I worked there.

[L]

Where I used to work we were ALWAYS getting calls for children left alone in stores for more than 1/2hour; I always loved giving the negligent parents a dressing-down after we paged them, and half the time the police had already arrived because the parents hadn't responded to the pages, or the kids didn't know their names. A lot can happen in just a few minutes, and you dumped your 10yo alone for 2 hours? Not right that they're allowed to inflict their children on innocent animals either. I totally agree with a posted sign that children under X years must be accompanied by an adult; after all, you're looking after the store's liability!

[chicajojobe]

Late edit: I think its a good idea to have a policy that children under 12 must be with an adult. Its liability issue for you if either a kid or an animal gets hurt.

[NC Tony]

"popped a chupacabra from their cooter" Best line of the day. I've seen the worst behavior in pet stores, and yes, it's usually the kids and their oblivious parents. The stupid brats pressing their unwashed faces and hands up against the cages scaring the shit out of the animals. I think that's why so many of the animals are sleeping during the day. They're thinking "Maybe if I pretend to be asleep, the little flesh demons will leave me alone!"

As for the idiot mothers, on the phone with the dog on the flexi-leash, I'm always hoping for the dog to wrap the leash around her legs causing her to fall down when she tries to move.

Finally I like CharlieWhiskyMike's suggestion that the unattended children be given free rats instead of some poor innocent puppy or kitten.

[Hellbound Alleee]

You gotta be careful with the "free pet" thing.

After all, that just might be what they're there for.

[Mollywobbles]

One of my all-time favorite signs was "Unattended children will be given a puppy and an espresso". You guys need one of those, PNSMM.

[Mollywobbles]

One of my all-time favorite signs was "Unattended children will be given a puppy and an espresso". You guys need one of those, PNSMM.

[InSecurity]

I would never inflict those cursed hellspawn on a poor, cute innocent puppy. Give them a Jolt Cola and Pixie Stix.

[BookishGirl]

"You break it, you pay for it" is a part of everyday life here in Oz. As are large signs in pet stores telling people not to tap on the fish tanks or rattle the cages/touch the animals. Tell your manager he needs to get a proper store policy.

[Grendus the Former Self Check Guy]

@Nyxie: Retractable leashes are great for outdoors, like at the park, so you can give the dog almost full reign to explore or pull it in on a short leash when other people/dogs are nearby. You're right about stores, indoors you need to keep the dog on a short leash and keep an eye on it to keep it from hurting itself or others. Which I'm guessing these women don't do...

I definitely agree with the people saying to call security/the cops on abandoned children. It's not your job to babysit, and without someone to watch the child it could get hurt or kidnapped. As for the ones who stand in your store and let their brats run around... well, just grin and bear. If crap management lets them have the run of the store there's really nothing you can do about it.

[Polo-Necked Strip Mall Monkey]

Thanks for all the comments. I feel strongly that there should be a policy concerning feral children. Our former manager, who was a real harpy -- hell do I understand now how she got that way!! -- used to go up to the demon spawn and say she wasn't there to babysit them and they better go find their parents. They'd poopy their little pants! The nastiest little bastards would tell DoberMom about the Mean Lady, and more than once she went toe to toe with one of these fucking grizzly bears. She ordered people out of the store. She didn't care who complained to the owner. She would joke with the slaves about having a bowl of free condoms next to the bowl of free dog cookies, to give to feral humans so "that" never happened again.

I miss her. Current manager has no spine. She is so afraid of the owner finding out she has no control over crazy and/or mean customers that she is afraid of confronting anyone. The time a Mom called me an Asshole to my face because I suggested it was not a good idea to let her terrified toddler hold an easily agitated rabbit - the manager just said, "there's nothing I can do...." Bullshit. The Mom Packs never spend a dime, meanwhile I make thousands of dollars a week for the store. I would think that would make me more valuable, but Slave lives are cheap.

[Jami]

Judging from what you say, the owner doesn't come in the store, right?

Here's my suggestion, write an anonymous letter pretending to be a customer, complaining about the policies and how put upon the employees look.

Reason I suggest this is from personal experience at my work. We had this rope on our flag pole that was constantly getting jammed in the hoist due to it's too thin size. It was almost a month each time we tried to get it fixed. Finally, one of my coworkers called HQ pretending to be a patron, complaining how our flags hadn't been up in 2 weeks. The rope was replaced with a thicker one the next day. Our AC was constantly breaking down and it would take forever for us to get someone out to fix it. A guy came to work on our plumbing and afterwards complained to our HQ how hot the building was. HQ had someone out to fix it the same day.

So if the owner gets something they think is from a customer they're more likely to tell your manager to get their head out of their butt.