Majuba Shares Some Behavior Guidelines

Stole this off a workmate because I thought you might get a giggle from it!

A Guide To Conducting Yourself Respectfully and Responsibly Within A Supermarket

Entering the store:

There are certain things you should observe upon entering a supermarket.

1. Appropriately Dressing for your grocery outing.

Two very important things to remember...

A) Less is more

B) Deodorant is indeed a part of an outfit.

Men: If you’re a bit larger than your average man... or a dirty junkie. Shorts that at least go to your knees nothing worse than a fat man in speedos thinking he's heaps hot and everyone else seeing the tackle he hasn't been able to find in years.

Any man: A shirt... You could have abs of steel courtesy of the "If you've got a door, you've got a gym" dude... doesn't mean that you shouldn't be wearing a shirt in a public shopping center where they serve fresh food. You can't work in a restaurant without a shirt on... Why should you be allowed to lean over produce with your sweaty, shirtless torso?

Women: Fat or not... it's not okay to wear the skirt you found in the cupboard that just barely covers your vagina. No one likes to see you vagina while you're trying to work out whether you want full cream or low fat milk. Also don't wear the shirt that just covers your nipple and shows your stretch marks. Please do wear a shirt.

2. There are signs designating a specific entry point.

Don't push your way past other customers who are loading groceries onto checkouts and give the cashier a sheepish ‘I'm sorry I'm a lazy dumbass’ look just because you will save 2 seconds by entering the store this way.

A) It's rude, especially when you leave all sense of moral at home and act as if the person meant to be there is in your way and

B) You're probably fat so the extra 2 meters won't hurt you... but I wouldn't count on it helping either.

3. Bringing children into the store.

As much as I hate parents putting children on those stupid leash backpacks. If you cannot control your little fuck trophies... cage them.

By cage them I mean shove them in the trolley and don't let them out... if they scream and cry I recommend the use of this amazing thing called duct tape... failing that use plan b... no not the morning after pill (it's a little late for that if you have them in the supermarket)... Don’t scream at them... You screaming along with them only makes everyone else think that you can't hold your shit together and besides, child abuse in supermarkets is underrated these days.

Now you've made it past the entry and hopefully you’re doing well so far. Now it comes down to:

Behaving appropriately within the store.

1. Think of the supermarket like a roadway.

In Oz we drive on the left. Now if we were to apply this to a supermarket you would push your trolley to the left hand side of the lane. Not leave it in the middle in the way of everybody else, or sideways blocking the whole aisle... we know you’re an asshole who has a sociopathic tendency to believe the world revolves around your ego. You don't have to prove it by holding up 5 other people because you don’t know what right of way is.

2. Again don't hold up the aisle

Don't procrastinate about what type of tomato sauce you want. I'll let you in on a secret; Fountain and Heinz taste the same. Other people behind you need that stuff to and they probably can't see it because your fat ass and your family's fat asses are in the way.

3. If you "accidently" knock stuff off a shelf, pick it up and put it back on, or if it breaks let a staff member know.

 The last thing we need is some old bitch slipping on the jam jar you broke. Also if you do tell a staff member, don't stand there and apologize whilst we clean it up... it's annoying and after the third time it sounds insincere.

4. If something is not in stock, staff cannot magically pull it out of their asses for your convenience.

It would be handy but I'm pretty sure pulling a kilo jar of Milo out of their ass would hurt. Come back the next day after a delivery has been made and get it then or better yet if it's on special ask for a rain check... then you have a whole four weeks to stew about the fact that it wasn't in stock when you wanted it.

5. A trolley is not an automobile.

Don't try to zip around the aisles like your Casey Stoner in the Moto GP. You usually end up ramming it in to people (i.e. ME). If that happens, apologize don't stare at the person as if it is their fault. All you had to do was open your mouth and utter two words... pretty easy to figure out even with the standard low IQ of most shoppers.

6. If you need to ask a question about a product... don't walk up to the person wearing a uniform and packing a self and ask "Excuse me, do you work here?"

Nope they just got really bored that day and thought "You know what, Fuck it, I might pack some shelves for the fun of it today instead of doing my usual day job."

Also don't just say the name of the product and expect to get an answer... I like vegemite too but I don't walk around screaming its name to unsuspecting people.

7. Act like you have class.

Domestic disputes can be so much fun to watch, especially for the staff that has been cooped inside for 9 hours. However, they then have to deal with the fall out of every other customer complaining about the feral couple screaming at each other.

8. Write a list of what you need.

Don't put something in your trolley then decide at the last minute you don't want it. It creates unneeded work for the people who are already understaffed and it makes you look like an indecisive jerk.

Leaving the store.

Okay, so now you've navigated your way through the aisles, dodged the Brogans and their fuck trophies, destroyed the evil aliens and leveled up. You’re ready to proceed to the checkout.

1. General rules for using a serviced checkout.

A) When greeted by the cashier, greet them back... they don't like you either but at least they're polite about it. There is no reason to look at staff as if they stole your first born to use as a virgin sacrifice at a cult meeting. But by proxy when staff asks how you are, they don't want to know that you contracted syphilis in the 60's whilst dropping acid in a VW before you found Jesus and now donate every spare cent to televangelists.

B) If you have green bags hand them over before you start unloading your groceries... don't give them surprised face after they've scanned and bagged all your groceries and then hand them over and expect them to repack. You’re a dumbass and it doesn't work that way.

C) If you’re a little OCD and want your bags packed a certain way, staff is usually more than happy to oblige... on a condition. Group them accordingly... don't put your fruit and veg on the conveyor neatly then put the zucchini right at the end... we know you’re not buying it for a food purpose but that doesn't mean it is a separate category.

D) The express lane is for a specific amount of items. Don't line up with a massive trolley and then wonder why people are giving you dirty looks and the cashier tells you politely to fuck off to another register.

E) Money goes in the waiting hand... not underneath it on the counter. It's just rude and makes staff want to punch you in the nose.

F) Unpack your own basket... It is extremely uncomfortable to unpack a full basket on an overloaded conveyor and no matter how much you argue that it isn't an OSHA issue... it actually is, asshole.

G) If a register has a closed sign, a trolley and no light...how about you take a random guess at what's not gonna happen there.

And when staff is taking down a closed sign, removing a trolley and turning on a light...guess what... I'll give you a hint... it is a slight variation on the name of an old British comedy about a group of people working in a department store.

ALSO don't point at the register next to the one we just opened and offered to serve you through and say "So it's this one, right?".. Nope, but you are IQ challenged, right?

2. General rules for using a self-serve

A) Green means GO... Red means STOP

B) There is no such thing as a stupid machine just stupid people.

C) Yelling at a self-serve checkout doesn't work... No matter how loud you scream and cuss at it... But I'm sure if you go to A Current Affair it might be shamed into working for you.

D) Don't complain about s/s taking people's job's... Trust me they don't. So long as there are people fucking them up there will be jobs for people who need to fix them up.

E) Money goes in the money in slot's not the change slots... face/palm

3. General rules for going through any checkout

A) You don't need a plastic bag for one item... that's what your hand is for and having a plastic bag for a chupa chup isn't like buying extra-large condoms for your tiny penis... no one thinks big of you.

B) We don't care how much things cost back when the pound was still the current form of currency.. Back then all you had for entertainment was a stick, a wheel and a couple of tumble weeds too.

C) If you’re in a hurry avoid the supermarket at all costs... especially in the afternoon or during lunch time. You whining and whining about how slow staff are doesn't get you served any faster... it just makes you look like a wanker.

D) Think about your "dad" jokes before you say them..."That's the year I was born"... "You want money do you?" etc. Nope we don't want money but I would like to punch you in your smug unoriginal face.

E) Don't practice "reserving" registers. You know where you load up all your groceries and then wander away to find the last 5 items on your list. It's rude and if it were allowed I'm sure 95% of all staff would push all your shit back into your trolley and then hide it on you and make you go find it.

F) Don't procrastinate...when you’re in a supermarket you need to be decisive... make up your mind quickly and then move on, fucker... shopping should take an hour...tops... any longer and you’re a fucking nut case who needs a psych evaluation.

In closing.

Time and time again when I think I've seen the stupidest the world can offer I'm surprised by something so utterly mind blowing that I want to sterilize half the population so stupidity can't breed.

Half the people who shop are the reason blow dryers have "do not use in shower" stickers.

--Majuba

Comments

[The Last Archimedean]

The only time it took me more than 40 minutes to shop was when I was looking for an item that the store didn't actually carry and I checked all the aisles twice to make sure of it before asking an employee, who confirmed "we don't stock that item."

[perky]

I hate the ones who have a cart full of stuff and expects me to scan everything without taking anything out of their cart because I did that for the little old lady in front of them--never mind that the little old lady in front of them had a gallon of milk and loaf of bread and was no trouble to scan in the cart. But I'm suppose to scan all 32 of their items in the cart, without taking any of them out, and not get any of them mix up and scan any of them twice? Or they get pissy with me because I empty their cart for them, cause that will take too much time. Ugh. I hate people.

[Dev]

I live near Amish country (30 miles from State College, PA) and man... do I wish the Amish believed in deodorant. Oh my God...

[Karebear]

As a shopper, I hate when people block the whole aisle, then look at you like your the stupid one for having to ask to move their cart. (I refuse to touch a cart if there is a child or purse in it.)

When I use to be a cashier, people always expected me to unload their items. At the store, it wasn't happening because I was locked in the stupid spot. I once had a guy bring in 5 huge cases of beer to be rung up, yelling at me to unload it. At the time I was 7 months pregnant, and told him if I did I would be getting his name and number so I could sue him (I wasn't allowed to lift anything heavy than a brush basically; hard pregnancy.) He unloaded it no prob. >.>

[Zmidponk]

'6. If you need to ask a question about a product... don't walk up to the person wearing a uniform and packing a self and ask "Excuse me, do you work here?"'

I would add to that:

6b. Also don't walk up to the person who does not have any scrap of anything remotely resembling the store's uniform and/or nametag on and is pushing a cart exactly like the one you're pushing, and rudely yell the item you're looking for.

Additionally, when the person concerned simply gives you a weird look and walks away from you, it serves no purpose to threaten to get them fired by reporting them to the store's manager, as he has no real influence when it comes to the current jobs of other customers.

[Eccentric Lady]

"If you cannot control your little fuck trophies... cage them."

I snorted soda when I read that. Love the humor!

[Mollywobbles]

@Eccentric Lady: That was my favorite part, too! I'm going to have to start using the term "fuck trophies" when talking about hellspawn from now on!

[Julia]

There are people out there who expect the cashier to unload their carts for them? I have never seen such a thing. It would make me sick.

Hubby and I load up the belt in a nice way for easy bagging. We're former cashiers, and I think they can tell.

Also, I hope there's a special place in Hades for aisle-blockers, especially those on their cell phones.

[Jami]

On the money subject, some people for whatever reason don't like touching people. Orthodox Jewish men won't touch any woman who's not their wife or daughter. (Unless they're a doctor.) I know some people will grumble that it's sexist or whatever, but they see this as showing their wives respect. "No other woman before you." And then of course there's germaphobes and the like. I had one patron who was afraid to touch a lot of things without sanitizing her hands because she had a heart transplant.

And that is why some people put money under your hand than in it. To avoid accidental contact.

[The Last Archimedean]

I would add: smile at the cashier [and bagger, if the store provides one], and say thank you.

[Wmdkitty]

RE: children

Out in public is NOT the appropriate place to introduce your children to the concept of "indoor voice", "polite behavior" and the like. Introduce and practice these things at home, and your children will behave in public. Fucking MAGIC!

[BookishGirl]

Absolutely brilliant (although I do have to say that Fountain and Heinz do taste different - depending on which Heinz you buy :-)

Lovely to see another Aussie on the site!

[AmigaTech]

A great deal of this depends upon attitude. Just to take one, the 'Excuse me, do you work here?'.

I'd much rather get that than, "Hey you, where's the Bovril?", despite the efficiency therein.

There are multiple valid responses to 'do you work here?'. In an enormous super-store one answer could be "Actually, I work in Ladies' Lingerie, but Auto Parts had a couple people call in sick today, so I'm stocking shelves for them. Let me see if I can get someone who knows where the rollerized muffler bearings are."

Anecdote: Once when I was asked "Do you work here?" the answer was quite complicated: I did work in that store, but I was in the wrong department, on my lunch break, and basically just fiddling around with a floor demo model. Because the customer was nice and polite (and I'd already eaten my lunch) I didn't mind helping them at all.

Other times I've been asked to help even if I didn't work there, and sometimes, when asked nicely, I didn't mind at all. A very small person looking at the last item way in the back of a high shelf asked me to get it for them (I'm fairly large and tall) and because she asked nicely, I cheerfully helped, despite not working there at all.

So please don't knock too hard the people who, while asking a stupid question, do so nicely. Save your ire for those who ask, even smart questions, nastily.

Thanks.

--AT

[Loki Northman]

I don't really agree with Leaving the store 3F. When I go shopping with my mom sometimes we can be there for hours. We don't cause a ruckus or get in the way. It's about budget. My mom only has so much she can spend on groceries and she has to make sure she is getting the best deal for what she needs and can make it stretch for as far as she can. She's not a fucker and doesn't need a psych evaluation. I take offense to that.
On the other hand, I agree with a lot of these things. A lot are things that are common sense that adults should just know.

[perky]

One other thing I would like to add, just because I work there does not mean I know everything about every product we sell. We sell thousands of items. If I knew all the answers to all the questions I get asked I sure as hell wouldn't be a freaking cashier. Do some of your own freaking research people.

Some of the random questions I have been asked:

Is this TV internet ready?
What sort of wine would you recommend for this cut of pork?
What is a good brand of multivitamin? What's the differences between brand A and brand B of multivitamin?
Can I plant this in full sun?
How much memory is in this?
Does this come with a memory card?
Which cut [of meat] is the leanest?
How do you price your gold?
What battery would be good for my car?
Is it ok to take aspirin with wine?

Seriously people, I'm a freaking cashier, not a computer tech, not your mother, not your doctor, not a gardner, and not an expert on wine.

[Little Slave in the Big Northwoods]

We (hubby & I) were just talking about D)all the above while at our local grocery store. This local chain happens to have quite a few in the Big Northwoods and they are set up exactly the same. Our biggest beef: Do not walk in and stop!
There is a HUGE area where the carts are located with enough room to pull aside, take the sales ad, and look it over. Coming through the double doors and stopping with your cart jams up the whole works and with piles to the left, right, and ahead makes it even worse.
PS: pj's are not appropriate to wear especially if you weigh 350+ and there are spaghetti straps involved.

[Nocturnesthesia]

There's also the assholes who open boxes of ice cream sandwiches, take a couple to give their kids as a snack, and shove the rest of the box in the back of a shelf somewhere to avoid detection.

[Voltaire]

I'm not sure I agree with 'don't ask if they work there' as a rule: in the UK, in some of the more 'designer' boutiques, staff are allowed to wear the store-brand clothes instead of a uniform or retailwear. As a worker for the health service, I don't have to be in scrubs or in a uniform to perform my role - and lanyard-badges are a pain in the a$$ to read if they're on your hip. So, asking if I work there and vice-versa isn't such a big sin sometimes.
However, being asked if you work in a shop when you're wearing a band t-shirt......*headdesk*