Stole this off a workmate because I thought you might get a giggle from it!
A Guide To Conducting Yourself Respectfully and Responsibly Within A Supermarket
Entering the store:
1. Appropriately Dressing for your grocery outing.
Two very important things to remember...
A) Less is more
B) Deodorant is indeed a part of an outfit.
Men: If you’re a bit larger than your average man... or a dirty junkie. Shorts that at least go to your knees nothing worse than a fat man in speedos thinking he's heaps hot and everyone else seeing the tackle he hasn't been able to find in years.
Any man: A shirt... You could have abs of steel courtesy of the "If you've got a door, you've got a gym" dude... doesn't mean that you shouldn't be wearing a shirt in a public shopping center where they serve fresh food. You can't work in a restaurant without a shirt on... Why should you be allowed to lean over produce with your sweaty, shirtless torso?
Women: Fat or not... it's not okay to wear the skirt you found in the cupboard that just barely covers your vagina. No one likes to see you vagina while you're trying to work out whether you want full cream or low fat milk. Also don't wear the shirt that just covers your nipple and shows your stretch marks. Please do wear a shirt.
2. There are signs designating a specific entry point.
Don't push your way past other customers who are loading groceries onto checkouts and give the cashier a sheepish ‘I'm sorry I'm a lazy dumbass’ look just because you will save 2 seconds by entering the store this way.
A) It's rude, especially when you leave all sense of moral at home and act as if the person meant to be there is in your way and
B) You're probably fat so the extra 2 meters won't hurt you... but I wouldn't count on it helping either.
3. Bringing children into the store.
As much as I hate parents putting children on those stupid leash backpacks. If you cannot control your little fuck trophies... cage them.
By cage them I mean shove them in the trolley and don't let them out... if they scream and cry I recommend the use of this amazing thing called duct tape... failing that use plan b... no not the morning after pill (it's a little late for that if you have them in the supermarket)... Don’t scream at them... You screaming along with them only makes everyone else think that you can't hold your shit together and besides, child abuse in supermarkets is underrated these days.
Now you've made it past the entry and hopefully you’re doing well so far. Now it comes down to:
Behaving appropriately within the store.
1. Think of the supermarket like a roadway.
In Oz we drive on the left. Now if we were to apply this to a supermarket you would push your trolley to the left hand side of the lane. Not leave it in the middle in the way of everybody else, or sideways blocking the whole aisle... we know you’re an asshole who has a sociopathic tendency to believe the world revolves around your ego. You don't have to prove it by holding up 5 other people because you don’t know what right of way is.
2. Again don't hold up the aisle
Don't procrastinate about what type of tomato sauce you want. I'll let you in on a secret; Fountain and Heinz taste the same. Other people behind you need that stuff to and they probably can't see it because your fat ass and your family's fat asses are in the way.
3. If you "accidently" knock stuff off a shelf, pick it up and put it back on, or if it breaks let a staff member know.
The last thing we need is some old bitch slipping on the jam jar you broke. Also if you do tell a staff member, don't stand there and apologize whilst we clean it up... it's annoying and after the third time it sounds insincere.
4. If something is not in stock, staff cannot magically pull it out of their asses for your convenience.
It would be handy but I'm pretty sure pulling a kilo jar of Milo out of their ass would hurt. Come back the next day after a delivery has been made and get it then or better yet if it's on special ask for a rain check... then you have a whole four weeks to stew about the fact that it wasn't in stock when you wanted it.
5. A trolley is not an automobile.
Don't try to zip around the aisles like your Casey Stoner in the Moto GP. You usually end up ramming it in to people (i.e. ME). If that happens, apologize don't stare at the person as if it is their fault. All you had to do was open your mouth and utter two words... pretty easy to figure out even with the standard low IQ of most shoppers.
6. If you need to ask a question about a product... don't walk up to the person wearing a uniform and packing a self and ask "Excuse me, do you work here?"
Nope they just got really bored that day and thought "You know what, Fuck it, I might pack some shelves for the fun of it today instead of doing my usual day job."
Also don't just say the name of the product and expect to get an answer... I like vegemite too but I don't walk around screaming its name to unsuspecting people.
7. Act like you have class.
Domestic disputes can be so much fun to watch, especially for the staff that has been cooped inside for 9 hours. However, they then have to deal with the fall out of every other customer complaining about the feral couple screaming at each other.
8. Write a list of what you need.
Don't put something in your trolley then decide at the last minute you don't want it. It creates unneeded work for the people who are already understaffed and it makes you look like an indecisive jerk.
Leaving the store.
Okay, so now you've navigated your way through the aisles, dodged the Brogans and their fuck trophies, destroyed the evil aliens and leveled up. You’re ready to proceed to the checkout.
1. General rules for using a serviced checkout.
A) When greeted by the cashier, greet them back... they don't like you either but at least they're polite about it. There is no reason to look at staff as if they stole your first born to use as a virgin sacrifice at a cult meeting. But by proxy when staff asks how you are, they don't want to know that you contracted syphilis in the 60's whilst dropping acid in a VW before you found Jesus and now donate every spare cent to televangelists.
B) If you have green bags hand them over before you start unloading your groceries... don't give them surprised face after they've scanned and bagged all your groceries and then hand them over and expect them to repack. You’re a dumbass and it doesn't work that way.
C) If you’re a little OCD and want your bags packed a certain way, staff is usually more than happy to oblige... on a condition. Group them accordingly... don't put your fruit and veg on the conveyor neatly then put the zucchini right at the end... we know you’re not buying it for a food purpose but that doesn't mean it is a separate category.
D) The express lane is for a specific amount of items. Don't line up with a massive trolley and then wonder why people are giving you dirty looks and the cashier tells you politely to fuck off to another register.
E) Money goes in the waiting hand... not underneath it on the counter. It's just rude and makes staff want to punch you in the nose.
F) Unpack your own basket... It is extremely uncomfortable to unpack a full basket on an overloaded conveyor and no matter how much you argue that it isn't an OSHA issue... it actually is, asshole.
G) If a register has a closed sign, a trolley and no light...how about you take a random guess at what's not gonna happen there.
And when staff is taking down a closed sign, removing a trolley and turning on a light...guess what... I'll give you a hint... it is a slight variation on the name of an old British comedy about a group of people working in a department store.
ALSO don't point at the register next to the one we just opened and offered to serve you through and say "So it's this one, right?".. Nope, but you are IQ challenged, right?
2. General rules for using a self-serve
A) Green means GO... Red means STOP
B) There is no such thing as a stupid machine just stupid people.
C) Yelling at a self-serve checkout doesn't work... No matter how loud you scream and cuss at it... But I'm sure if you go to A Current Affair it might be shamed into working for you.
D) Don't complain about s/s taking people's job's... Trust me they don't. So long as there are people fucking them up there will be jobs for people who need to fix them up.
E) Money goes in the money in slot's not the change slots... face/palm
3. General rules for going through any checkout
A) You don't need a plastic bag for one item... that's what your hand is for and having a plastic bag for a chupa chup isn't like buying extra-large condoms for your tiny penis... no one thinks big of you.
B) We don't care how much things cost back when the pound was still the current form of currency.. Back then all you had for entertainment was a stick, a wheel and a couple of tumble weeds too.
C) If you’re in a hurry avoid the supermarket at all costs... especially in the afternoon or during lunch time. You whining and whining about how slow staff are doesn't get you served any faster... it just makes you look like a wanker.
D) Think about your "dad" jokes before you say them..."That's the year I was born"... "You want money do you?" etc. Nope we don't want money but I would like to punch you in your smug unoriginal face.
E) Don't practice "reserving" registers. You know where you load up all your groceries and then wander away to find the last 5 items on your list. It's rude and if it were allowed I'm sure 95% of all staff would push all your shit back into your trolley and then hide it on you and make you go find it.
F) Don't procrastinate...when you’re in a supermarket you need to be decisive... make up your mind quickly and then move on, fucker... shopping should take an hour...tops... any longer and you’re a fucking nut case who needs a psych evaluation.
Time and time again when I think I've seen the stupidest the world can offer I'm surprised by something so utterly mind blowing that I want to sterilize half the population so stupidity can't breed.
Half the people who shop are the reason blow dryers have "do not use in shower" stickers.