1: If your library has an automated phone system, listen to the ENTIRE menu to find out which button you want to press. Circulation is NOT reference/information. We're who you call for renewing things or checking on the status of a hold. For placing a hold you want reference.
2: If you call to renew (and the word IS renew, not "re-check out", you don't "re-buy" a subscription, you renew it, same with library items) your items have your library card in hand. No, we can't find you by name. I assure you, no matter how special you think your name is, there's always at least one other person with your name in the system.
3: If you call to place a hold - have your library card in hand.
4: If you're in the library and are going to renew items, pick up a hold, check stuff out, place a hold, change something in your account, etc. - have your library card in hand. (Are we starting to get the picture?)
5: If you don't have your library card, have your driver's license.
6: Don't give me money until you give me your library card.
7: Don't ask the circulation clerk for computer help. Ask the librarian. No, we're not one in the same. And if I'm alone on the desk I'm really not supposed to leave it because of the cash register. I can leave to go to the bathroom after I get a librarian to watch the desk. Besides, 99% of the time your computer questions could be answered by you using some common sense and observance.
8: If you're outside before we open don't stand two inches away from the door the entire time. Especially if you're there an hour before we open. Go sit down on the bench or in your car. You're making me a nervous wreck.
9: I am not responsible if you return your items wet, ripped, written in, a month past its due date, or any combination thereof. YOU are. Stop yelling at me for YOUR mistakes.
10: Don't let your little kids have crayons, pens, or scissors in reach while they're using library books. Yes, you do have to pay for the damage your four year old caused by scribbling all over Danny And The Dinosaur with a red crayon.
11: No, I haven't read every book in the library.
12: Circulation clerks are actually not allowed to refer children's books because we're not trained to. (And on a personal note, I not only do not have, do not want to have, nor can I have children, but I was reading at a college level in 5th grade. So unless you want me to recommend Sherlock Holmes, The Phantom Of The Opera, or Dracula to your 8 year old, I suggest you ask the librarian who's trained in these things.)
13: Now I'm not saying all librarians are like this, but some librarians really hate it when we non-librarians are asked for reference help. Please save a clerk from later being yelled at by an uptight librarian by going to the librarian for help, not us.
14: We know how surprised you are your daughter is having her first child at 36, but we really don't need to hear all about her anal fissures.
15: Pedophiles like libraries. You know why? Because parents either leave their children alone or are too busy on the computers to notice the strange man talking to their kid. I know Farmville/eBay/Etsy is important to you. You know what's more important? Your child's safety.
16: We are not psychic baby sitters. If your child has medical issues or is just a screaming brat, hang up your cellphone and come inside with them. Don't expect the staff to magically know we need to keep an eye on your kid for you.
17: The Dewey Decimal System isn't that hard to use. Main ones to remember - 200s are religions, 500s are math and other sciences, 600s cooking/baking, 700s arts/music/sports, 900s history/travel/baby names.
18: All fiction is by the author's last name.
19: NOTHING is organized by ISBN.
20: A biography is always going to be by the last name of the person the biography is about. So you'll find your biography of Abraham Lincoln under - surprise! - LINCOLN! Not by the author's last name!
21: Believe it or not, the children's side is the one with all the stuffed animals. Yeah, the side you're staring at with your mouth hanging halfway open.
22: If the door doesn't open the first try, be it our main doors or the door to the book drop - do NOT pull on it REALLY HARD 50 more times!
23: No, your (Other) County card won't work here. Um, because we're NOT part of (Other) County.
24: Yes, we accept credit/debit cards, but I really hate running them for just 25 cents. I understand you don't like to carry cash, but don't you think that's smarter than charging 25 cents?
25: Thank you for waiting, while huffing, sighing, and rolling your eyes while I checked out the people in line before you. Especially since every single one had to dig around through their wallet/purse/pile of cards rubber banded together to get their library card. Oh goody, now you're going to make the other people behind you wait while you dig around for yours! Couldn't you have gotten it out BEFORE while you were waiting in line? Lead by example, people!
26: Please, for the love of all that's holy, unholy, and secular, SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR PREGNANT 36 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER'S ANAL FISSURES!
--The Singing Library Clerk