How To Make Proper Use Of Your Library

1: If your library has an automated phone system, listen to the ENTIRE menu to find out which button you want to press. Circulation is NOT reference/information. We're who you call for renewing things or checking on the status of a hold. For placing a hold you want reference.

2: If you call to renew (and the word IS renew, not "re-check out", you don't "re-buy" a subscription, you renew it, same with library items) your items have your library card in hand. No, we can't find you by name. I assure you, no matter how special you think your name is, there's always at least one other person with your name in the system.

3: If you call to place a hold - have your library card in hand.

4: If you're in the library and are going to renew items, pick up a hold, check stuff out, place a hold, change something in your account, etc. - have your library card in hand. (Are we starting to get the picture?)

5: If you don't have your library card, have your driver's license. 

6: Don't give me money until you give me your library card. 

7: Don't ask the circulation clerk for computer help. Ask the librarian. No, we're not one in the same. And if I'm alone on the desk I'm really not supposed to leave it because of the cash register. I can leave to go to the bathroom after I get a librarian to watch the desk. Besides, 99% of the time your computer questions could be answered by you using some common sense and observance. 

8: If you're outside before we open don't stand two inches away from the door the entire time. Especially if you're there an hour before we open. Go sit down on the bench or in your car. You're making me a nervous wreck.

9: I am not responsible if you return your items wet, ripped, written in, a month past its due date, or any combination thereof. YOU are. Stop yelling at me for YOUR mistakes.

10: Don't let your little kids have crayons, pens, or scissors in reach while they're using library books. Yes, you do have to pay for the damage your four year old caused by scribbling all over Danny And The Dinosaur with a red crayon. 

11: No, I haven't read every book in the library. 

12: Circulation clerks are actually not allowed to refer children's books because we're not trained to. (And on a personal note, I not only do not have, do not want to have, nor can I have children, but I was reading at a college level in 5th grade. So unless you want me to recommend Sherlock Holmes, The Phantom Of The Opera, or Dracula to your 8 year old, I suggest you ask the librarian who's trained in these things.)

13: Now I'm not saying all librarians are like this, but some librarians really hate it when we non-librarians are asked for reference help. Please save a clerk from later being yelled at by an uptight librarian by going to the librarian for help, not us. 

14: We know how surprised you are your daughter is having her first child at 36, but we really don't need to hear all about her anal fissures.

15: Pedophiles like libraries. You know why? Because parents either leave their children alone or are too busy on the computers to notice the strange man talking to their kid. I know Farmville/eBay/Etsy is important to you. You know what's more important? Your child's safety.

16: We are not psychic baby sitters. If your child has medical issues or is just a screaming brat, hang up your cellphone and come inside with them. Don't expect the staff to magically know we need to keep an eye on your kid for you.

17: The Dewey Decimal System isn't that hard to use. Main ones to remember - 200s are religions, 500s are math and other sciences, 600s cooking/baking, 700s arts/music/sports, 900s history/travel/baby names. 

18: All fiction is by the author's last name. 

19: NOTHING is organized by ISBN. 

20: A biography is always going to be by the last name of the person the biography is about. So you'll find your biography of Abraham Lincoln under - surprise! - LINCOLN! Not by the author's last name!

21: Believe it or not, the children's side is the one with all the stuffed animals. Yeah, the side you're staring at with your mouth hanging halfway open.

22: If the door doesn't open the first try, be it our main doors or the door to the book drop - do NOT pull on it REALLY HARD 50 more times!

23: No, your (Other) County card won't work here. Um, because we're NOT part of (Other) County.

24: Yes, we accept credit/debit cards, but I really hate running them for just 25 cents. I understand you don't like to carry cash, but don't you think that's smarter than charging 25 cents? 

25: Thank you for waiting, while huffing, sighing, and rolling your eyes while I checked out the people in line before you. Especially since every single one had to dig around through their wallet/purse/pile of cards rubber banded together to get their library card. Oh goody, now you're going to make the other people behind you wait while you dig around for yours! Couldn't you have gotten it out BEFORE while you were waiting in line? Lead by example, people!

26: Please, for the love of all that's holy, unholy, and secular, SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR PREGNANT 36 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER'S ANAL FISSURES!

--The Singing Library Clerk

Comments

[trekkiebabe]

LOL, those are perfect rules and could apply to the bookstore where I work as well! Thankfully we can look people up by phone number, otherwise I've been there with the line full of people and they only start to dig out their member card and credit card when I ask for it, ugh!

[Bebinn]

rule 23 doesn't apply in Maryland. we can use our card anywhere in the state, we just need to register the card in the new county as long as we have id. and we can return books anywhere in the state. i've checked out books in baltimore city and returned them in ocean city when i was on a vacation. just don't return them late, that's a nightmare.

debit/credit cards are kind of inconsistent, not all systems take them. very annoying as i don't carry cash around usually.

[The Last Archimedean]

When I take my son to the library I'm either holding his hand or sitting with him in the kids' reading room to read him a story. I've never understood why parents would leave their kids alone in public where they can't see them.

[LadyRhian]

I also work in a library and several of those rules don't apply to us. Library Assistants like me are allowed to suggest books (yes, even kid's books), but we don't (yet) accept debit cards. Just cash and checks. And our system allows us to look up patrons by name and address.

[Sales Agent Guy]

I absolutely HATE it when kids scream or talk loudly and the parents do nothing about it. I also hate it when people talk on their cell phones, even in a hushed tone of voice.

One time I had to sit in the large computer area opposite a woman who was talking to her bank about some kind of account issue. She was barely making an effort to be quiet. I wanted to sock her.

[Yan]

Why would you use money in a library? Isn't the point of a library to be free?

[Creative Slave]

Yan not if you have overdue library fines.

[Greenhouse Gal]

Rule 27 (from a former library slave): If you would like to ask me a question while I'm re-shelving books, the appropriate way to do so is to walk up to me, politely say "Excuse me,..." then ask your question.

Do not yell, "Hey, gurl! Gurl!! GURRRLLL! HEYYYY, GURLLLLLL!!!! OVER HERE!" at me from half-way across the room while waving your arms. You will be ignored.

[maya marie]

the librarian has no idea what channel the local university's football games were broadcast on. stop asking.

[Lamer]

And this is why I get my books online...

[The Singing Library Clerk]

I'm a library clerk, not an assistant. Rules from HQ - clerks cannot recommend children's books. We can recommend adult books, but not children's books. And frankly, I hate recommending books at random. People often ask me and I'll say "Well, what do you like to read? Mysteries? Romances? Historicals? Steampunk?" And they'll say "Just tell me the name of a good book."

A good book is in the eye of the reader. I hate anything by Nicholas Sparks. He's boring to me. One of my coworkers worships the guy because "His stuff is so lovely and true." I love books like the ones above, Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, A Dog's Purpose and it's sequel A Dog's Journey, The Parasol Protectorate, and even comic books and graphic novels. So unless I see someone checking out The Art Of Racing In The Rain or saying how much they love Frankenstein, I don't feel comfortable recommending books.

We can look up by phone number too, but we're suppose to ask for photo ID. And a lot of people don't remember what number they used. Some even refuse to put it down on the application because, and I quote, "I don't have a home phone, I just have a cell phone." (Guess what? That works too.)

California library, different counties mean different cards. Not to mention that some cities have their own private libraries.

@Yan - Public library means fines if you return things late or damaged. Plus there's a fee for picking up holds. As I point out to people who complain about it, "It's cheaper than the money you'd spend on gas." But some people still throw a hissy fit over the 25 cents for holds.

I know these don't apply for all libraries but these are issues that come up a LOT at mine. Plus some others I didn't throw in there.

[Kristina]

Based on my own library experiences or heard from my friend who works there.

28. IF you are going to spend all day(or close to it) at the Library for the love of Cthulhu - BATHE

29. Keep your footwear on. Seriously, no one wants to smell your feet.

30. Do your illegal drugs else where, shooting up in the YA/Teen section is not ok.

31. We have public restrooms, use them rather than urinating on the second floor balcony.

32.Yes we will call the cops on you, this isn't an empty threat.

33. If you damage the computer, we will know who did it. Remember Einstein, you had to log in with your card number.

[The Singing Library Clerk]

Oh yes! I forgot the bathing thing! So many people come in stinking to high Heaven! And only one or two of them is actually homeless. The rest just plain old smell. Every times it happens I think about how if I ruler of the world one of the laws I'd pass (after more serious things like doing away with the statue of limitations on rape and stronger punishments for pedophiles) is that everyone must have had a fresh bath before going out in public.

[geminilee]

#3: I am willing to make a bet with you that you cannot find a name matching mine in your system. I have never, EVER met anyone with my first name, or even someone who knew someone with my name. I certainly doubt there is anyone out there who has both of them.

Gemini Warren.

[Kiliana Nightwolf]

@Singing Huh. My library system doesn't charge for picking up holds. In fact your library is the only one I've ever heard of doing that.

[Skittles]

Those look like very nice rules, but more importantly can we hear the story about the anal fissure?

[The Last Archimedean]

Kiliana, you're lucky. Mine charges 75 cents per hold.

Still worth the $3 for 4 books I really want to read in the next 3 weeks.

[The Singing Library Clerk]

*dry laughter* Very funny, Skittles. Seriously, this one woman comes in all the time and talks about how surprised she is at her daughter not having her first baby until 36 and how she's suppose to be on bed rest and will go on forever about the anal fissures. *shudders*

I've often said our job is not unlike that of a stereotypical bartender. People tell me everything no matter if I want to hear it or not. Their marriage troubles, problems with their kids, health issues, etc.

Not that I'm not concerned for people, but sometimes they get into TMI territory.

[Book Baby]

I swear, you must work near me! We don't charge for holds, but you need to pay for COPIES, any books/magazines from our sale cart and of course, FINES. We also live in an area where each library is supported by CITY property taxes, so people who live outside of the city the library is in, DO NOT support the library, so must pay an over the counter fee for a card. NO, I do NOT like this. In fact, I HATE T. However do NOT tell me you can't afford a card when I am looking at your $40.00 manicure holding a $4.00 coffee and car keys to a new Lexus. The $40.00 we charge for six months to have access to over TWO MILLION items? Chicken feed.

I agree: for all that is holy, WATCH YOUR KIDS. We are not babysitters and can not keep track of your kids. We have snatched three year olds off of the busy street corner outside (Mom was inside, clueless that kid was gone), brought kids back to the Children's department when they were riding the elevator (again, clueless parent)...the list goes on and on.

Do not tell me that your precious angel won't hurt a book when I have seen the kid STOMP on books in the picture book area. You WILL have to pay for damages.

Please don't give me your card that has been in your mouth! I do NOT want your germs, especially with cold and flu season upon us. I have very obviously taken the DRY end of a card and handled it with my nails only and handed the WET end back to the owner on more than one occasion.

We are not allowed to decide what your child may or may not read. Some parents go waaay overboard about the things their kids CAN'T read, but we can't say anything. We will check out anything within the parameters of each card (some of our cards limit check outs to Children's and Young Adult items). It is YOUR job to help your kids choose their books. Oh, and by the way, once the kid is in middle school, they WILL be reading most anything whether you like it or not. They will just sneak it.

If you ARE having a fight with your teen about what s/he may read, do not get physical in front of our desk! We have seen literal tug-o-wars between moms and their daughters more than once. Trust me, let the kid read it; she will be more well-rounded and a better adult for it.

No, we can't tell you what your husband/sister/boyfriend/great aunt has checked out unless you have his/her card. It's called PRIVACY and these folks are entitled to it. Unless you are a law enforcement officer WITH A COURT ORDER, you won't be getting this info.

We do NOT rent things; we LOAN them.

Remember, when you steal from the library, you steal from yourself. As a taxpayer, you are paying for the items we purchase, so you are literally stealing from yourself if you rip items off.

We can NOT tell you who has the book checked out that you are waiting for! I had one patron who wanted us to call the person who currently had the item SHE wanted and ask them to return it ASAP! The gall of some people never ceases to amaze me.

Don't come in five minutes before closing and tell us your kid needs 9744491 books on a subject because s/he has a report to write...due tomorrow (assigned six weeks ago). We will do our best to get things for you, but we are not allowed to stay after to help you. We are off the clock at fifteen minutes past closing.

We will NOT open back up or "stay open while I run over to get a couple of books". We are not allowed to do this both for safety and moral issued (if we did this for you, we would have to do it for everyone). No, we are not being bitchy.

In spite of these things, I love my job! I enjoy seeing kids discover the joy of reading and see people who have no other kind of entertainment be able to have the wonder of the printed word take them away.

[The Last Archimedean]

Book Baby, Emily Dickinson was oh-so-right when she wrote her lines "There is no frigate like a book / to take us lands away." My boys love reading and I encourage it. I read 7 books to my 3-year-old over the weekend.

As for me... I can visit the past, the future, the North Pole or the Moon without leaving my bed, simply by selecting the proper book from my bookshelf. I wish more people would experience the joys of reading [although the last few times I've been in the library, it's been pretty full...]

[Book Baby]

L.A., will you marry me? <> thank you for showing everyone why I love books and reading!

[The Last Archimedean]

Book Baby, come out to California and bring rings that fit our fingers :)

I love reading... whenever I'm feeling depressed a good book will help by taking me away from my troubles...

[The Singing Library Clerk]

Oh BB, I totally feel you. We charge for printing and copies too. 15 cents a page. We used to have free printing but there were certain people who'd print off reams and reams of paper. So we had to start charging. People don't have a problem with that, but they do have a problem when I ask them how much they want to add. See, you can add up to $50 to your card, that way you don't have to run up to the desk every time you want to print a single page. The money stays on the card until you use it up or the end of time, whichever comes first.

Sure enough, no matter how carefully I explain this people will tell me "I want to pay what I owe! Now tell me what I owe!" It doesn't tell me that. YOU have to tell me what you want to put on.

And they're the worse for handing me money first. I have to have the library card first to put the money on it. So many seem to think I should know their numbers and actually leave their cards at the computer. *facepalm* How can I add money without your card?!

On the subject of the computers -

Yes, thanks to The Freedom Of Information Act the library actually cannot stop you from looking at porn. (Except for obviously illegal and disgusting things like child porn. In which case if you're into child porn, please do the world a favor and kill yourself.) Though if patrons complain we can ask you to stop and leave then.

However, do yourself and everyone else a favor. Choose a computer that's not easy for people to see. Like one that faces a blank wall, not a bookshelf, near the end where other computer users aren't likely to go past. And for the sake of everyone, don't do it in the children's or teens section.

I was at the grand re-opening of a library recently, passed a man using a computer facing the Younger Teen books. Sure enough, he was looking at a gay porn site involving a 20-something man in bondage and a gas mask.