Dear Thrognar,I have just recently started dating one of my co-workers. However, another co-worker whose had her eye on me for sometime is jealous and starting to spread rumors about me and my girlfriend. So far, no one believes her, but I'm worried that she's going to make up more vicious rumors as time goes on. How do I stop this before it goes too far?
- Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried,
Get a kiddie pool, and either gravy, jello, pudding, mud or whipped cream and have your girlfriend and crazy co-worker fight it out. Charge admission, record it, and post it on YouTube (if clothes come off, post it on RedTube instead). THE MIGHTY THROGNAR DEMANDS IT!
Dear Thrognar,
I've been having a problem with people stealing my lunches out of the break room refrigerator. None of the normal solutions has worked such as, writing my name on the bag, claiming that I licked or spit on all the food, I even bought one of those As Seen On TV items that's supposed to protect your food. Somebody stole the whole thing. What should I do?
- Hungry in Houston
Dear Hungry,
Here's what you do. First make a ham and cheese sandwich, use moldy bread, expired mayo, expired ham, and expired cheese. Get some laxatives that look like chocolate, and re wrap them in chocolate bar wrappers. Finally pour yourself a thermos full of expired milk. Steal all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms. Wait. When the laxatives kick in, sit back and laugh.
Dear Thrognar,
As you know, a lot of retail stores, including the one where I work, are starting their Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving Day forcing a lot of us to miss out on the family festivities. I've heard customers say stupid things like "suck it up" and "You work in retail, deal". Is there anyway I can get back at these asshats without getting fired?
- Pissed in Pittsburgh
Dear Pissed,
There are several things you can do. Considering how many people will be in the store for the Black Friday sale, when someone demands you find something for them (you know it will happen) walk off like you're going to look for it. Then just forget about it, you'll easily get lost in the crowd. Do this several times, and if you're lucky the idiot customers will leave with nothing, or at the very least not with everything they wanted. Also, lie. Say, "That's not my department, let me get someone from that department to help you", then follow the above advice about getting lost in the crowd. If a customer gets mad at you because you're sold out of something, point out another customer and say "See that guy? He got the last one, just to spite you." Eat something that gives you gas. Walk through the store farting everywhere. No one will know who to blame. Have some fun with the shopping carts, loosen the bolts on some wheels causing them to fall off. Tighten the bolts on others to the point where the wheels won't turn. Grab a Claymore and run through the store swinging wildly, screaming my praises. THE MIGHTY THROGNAR DEMANDS IT!
Do you have a retail dilema? Do you need help? Do you want the advice of a Norse god with an enchated RF gun named Bob? Post all questions for the Mighty Thrognar to the RHU Facebook page!
About the coworkers stealing food:
Make sure you label the food as yours, so that it is entirely their fault for imbibing this.
Get a bottle of dark liquid (black, blue or purple; the color of espresso or undiluted grape juice) and mix in 15 drops of Phenolphthalein per 20 ounces. (about 8 doses of what was the ex-lax active ingredient) also add a dropper or two of 1% Methylene Blue.
The latter is inert, for the most part, and in small doses harmless. It is an antifungal/antiparasitic agent found in the fish department of pet stores. Although completely harmless in small doses, it has the side effects of turning the whites of the eyes blue, as well as turning urine blue... or green if you don't drink enough water. The effects wear off in about 48 hours or so.
God help your colon if you drink the full 20 ounces.
Posted by: BigMacintosh | Monday, November 19, 2012 at 07:19 AM
Be careful if you add chemicals to your food. Bad food is an accident, food tainted with foreign substances can get you charged (non-toxic dosen't matter, it just proves intent to assault or somesuch). If you realy don't care about legality, I suggest a brownie with extra "greens". Then call the boss over.
Posted by: InSecurity | Monday, November 19, 2012 at 12:07 PM