Ask Thrognar

Greetings Mortals. I am the Mighty Thrognar, the God of Retail Slaves. I have been asked by Freddy to come down from Retail Valhalla (where all retail slaves go when they die to abuse crustys and corporate for all eternity) to help with any and all questions and concerns you may have. If any further help beyond what I can do here on the Interwebz is needed you will need the following things:

•  a large clearing in the woods,
•  several rolls of duct tape,
•  two (2) pounds of Jello (any flavor but the Mighty Thrognar prefers cherry), powdered form,
•  several feet of baling wire,
•  one (1) anvil,
•  super glue,
•  one (1) branding iron,
•  three (3) cans of spray paint (any color),
•  twelve (12) 2x4's,
•  one (1) twenty (20) gallon fish tank,
•  six (6) piranah
•  and one (1) cactus.

Not surprisingly I already have a couple of questions that need answering:

Dear Thrognar,
I suspect my manager and several of my coworkers are conspiring behind my back to get me fired. If they are planning anything, they are being very careful so as not to get caught, I have no proof and don't want to seem like a rabble rouser if my fears are unfounded. What should I do?
- Confused in Canarsie

Dear Confused,
They are conspiring behind your back. Kill them, kill them all and bathe in their blood! THE MIGHTY THROGNAR COMMANDS IT!

Dear Thrognar,
Since November first my store has started playing Christmas music, the Christmas decorations have been up since the end of September, and the Thanksgiving merchandise has already been consolidated down to a small section in our seasonal department. Whatever happened to celebrating one holiday at a time?
- Sickened in Seattle

Dear Sickened,
There are several solutions, you could take a sledgehammer to the Christmas decorations, you could set them on fire, you could give me the exact location and I could throw a lightning bolt, or you could give up all Earthly holidays and celebrate Thrognarmas! To drown out the Christmas music sing songs of my greatness. SING, THE MIGHTY THROGNAR COMMANDS IT!

I hope that helped, send all questions to me via the RHU Facebook page, once a week on either Friday or Saturday I will answer all questions here on the blog.

Thank you, and Hail Thrognar!

Comments

[Eviscerator]

..Mjolnir hit this one on the head pretty hard, didn't it?

[Skittles]

Any chance THE MIGHTY THROGNAR will give us an idea of what we are to sing in THE MIGHTY THROGNAR'S honor?

[Hardwarenutz]

Something by Hammerfall, I'll wager.

[NC Tony]

The Mighty Thrognar has told me to tell you to change the words to any Christmas song, change them to honor Mighty Thrognar, and add a heavy metal soundtrack. Failing that anything by Hammerfall or Manowar.

[Claire]

This is why i love this site, all hail THE MIGHTY THROGNAR!

[MegSong23]

Chorus:
Thrognar Lord
Thrognar Lord,
God to retail slaves.
We have a couple customers for you to fry away-hey.

A line or two ago, I thought I saw a gap.
But then this Heinous She-beast landed in my lap!
She started to complain,
Why should she wait in line?
It's Christmas and-she shops here all the time?
Chorus.

I tried to then explain,
She's not the only one,
She screamed out for a manager-and to give my name.
My smile quickly fell,
I would lose my job and then I cried mentally out-
Oh! Chorus.

Perhaps he truly heard
My manager came forth,
He took on look at she-beast and told her to get out.
You have a perma-ban,
For stealing from my store, You've tried this every year
Since 1964.
Oh! Chorus.

Not perfect but to the tune of Jingle bells