Christmas Music Hell In November: Change The Lyrics In Your Head

From Riferous:

Merry dadgum Christmas RHU. 

What's that?  It's only early November?  Oh yeah, I forgot since I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC ALL DAY.

Today (November 10th) is our annual holiday open house and, as expected, they broke out the Christmas music.  

It has driven me nuts already, so I had to resort to parodies to keep myself amused. 

Here's some of the day's best.

 

"We Need A Little Christmas"

 

This is November,

All of this Christmas shit is fucking premature!

And come December,

I'll be hanging from a Christmas tree-ee.

Because we need a little Christmas,

But only in December,

Not in November,

Sure as hell not in this weather oh

We need a little Christmas,

Not in July or in September,

and I DON'T WANT NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS NOW!

 

"A Holly Jolly Christmas"

 

It's a month and a half til Christmas,

It's the worst time of the year.

We've had no snow

To freeze our toes, but God I need a beer

It's a month and a half til Christmas,

And in case you didn't hear,

Save your music cuz

December 25 is Christmas every year!

 

"Winter Wonderland" (in the style of 2 Live Crew)

 

In the ghetto we can fuck Martinez.

Also we can fuck Martinez' wife.

I'll say "Martinez" and you say "suck dick"

And fuck Martinez' pussy eating wife...

 

Save your own sanity!  Send in your parodies!

 

Stay classy, RHU!

 

--Riferous

To see more Christmas Song Massacres Click here.

 

Comments

[botulism sauce]

whos got a nose that big and red?
santas got a nose thats big and red!
who really wants to see you dead?
santa really wants to see you dead!
big and red, see you dead MUST BE SAAAANTA

[Duke of URL]

You think it's bad that the shops are playing Christmas music 24/7? I got 1up on that. My regular radio station started that on the same day. Good thing I have a backup station or two - which, by the way, has an increased audience during this time of year for that exact reason.

[maskedmustelid]

Once I've heard a Weird Al version of a song, I simply can't remember the original lyrics any more. In short, he needs to do more Christmas songs.

[Jami]

You must mean The Night Santa Went Crazy.

"The Night Santa Went Crazy"

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain

[Queer Geek]

Jingle Balls
Kill Santa Claus!
The economy is in a rut!
No one has got any money for
Gifts this year
So tell the retailers to
Kiss my butt!

["Adventerous" Clerk]

Sadly I will admit I look forward to the Christmas music DON'T HURT ME THERE IS A REASON!! The establishment I work for plays a loop of songs, two loops one day one night. I only work nights, the loop is 12 songs (yes I counted) all are either bad hip-hop remixes (a genre I don't care for to begin with) or songs a decade old that weren't good then. I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO THE SAME LOOP FOR ALMOST A YEAR!! At 40+ hours a week I can't do it anymore.

[perky]

Our store does not start the Christmas song loop until Black Friday, but I can tune it out. I have kids, so I can tune out almost anything.

[Riferous]

@Duke: You can turn off a radio station. One custy said, "Christmas music, huh?" I said, "Yeah. But you get to leave."

[Framed]

One of my Jewish family members was sick of parents asking him "Why not let you kids have Santa? What's wrong with Santa?" So he wrote a little ditty called "What's wrong with Santa" about Santa being wanted for copyright infringment and FAA issues, etc. Not sure if he ever put it out into the world, but I'm tempted to try to look it up.

Also over the last several years, my story likes to play "Baby it's cold outside" as part of the Christmas loop, to which I end up screaming "No means no ass! Let the girl go home for fuck's sake!" It's usually only heard by my fellow minions in the frame shop, but it helps.

[photoslave]

I no longer know the lyrics to "Deck the Halls." They have been replaced with "Wreck the Malls." If you've never heard it, I highly suggest going to Youtube and looking it up.

[Jami]

@Framed - Actually, if you listen to her she's NOT saying no at all. Because she's saying "At least I'm going to say that I tried" and other things that make it clear she does intend to stay and pretend she was forced to by the weather.

Amazing how everyone wants to ignore her lyrics and make him the bad guy. I wonder what would happen if a woman sung what is traditionally the guy's part and vise-versa.

[cheltenham_dude]

The last time I worked in a supermarket, they started playing Christmas (pop) music in the runup to and around Christmas.

I kid you not, every other song played was by Cliff Richard (for those who don't know who Cliff is, he's a christian pop star who's as old as dirt now who first became a pop singer with songs like we're all going on a summer holiday).

About the third or fourth time that Cliff's cover of mistletoe and wine came on, I was about ready to batter my head in with a freezer door. The only saving thing about the music was occaisionally, you'd get a real classic like Merry Christmas Everyone by Slade or the Christmas single that The Darkness did.

[NC Tony]

I just change the words to honor the Mighty Thrognar.

THIS however, is my new favorite Christmas song (Warning: NSFW).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od7GUy9XS7c

Just in case you don't know, Corey Taylor is the lead singer for Stone Sour and Slipknot.