Have You Been Bullied As An Adult? Dr. Joel Haber Says "Admit That It's Your Fault, But Don't Admit That It's Your Fault."

Click here to see the video, I couldn't get it to stop autoplaying. >:(

If you think bullying is something that only happens on a playground and among kids, think again. From bosses who bully, to neighbors who bully, bullying can continue way beyond the playground years, and sadly, experts say adult bullying is on the rise. Recently, a popular television news anchor made national headlines after a viewer bullied her over her weight! And singer Adele was reportedly cyber bullied after the birth of her son. While adults are more likely to engage in verbal bullying over physical bullying, the fact of the matter is, adult bullying exists, big time.

To talk about adult bullying, how to identify it, handle it, and stop it, national anti-bullying speaker and psychologist, Dr. Joel Haber stopped by “The Shine”.

[Related: The Kind Of Bullying We Don’t Talk About]

How does one identify a bully? Dr. Haber says “If you find yourself being excluded, marginalized in some way, or made to feel less than a person that you shouldn’t have to feel less than, you wonder what’s going on there." Statistics reveal that 41% of adult bullying occurs in the workplace, so how do you identify bullying from harassment? Bullying is when one person uses their power to go after another, but harassment, as Dr. Haber points out, is actually a legal term which usually refers to sexual misconduct or a work practice that feels in some way unsafe or is hostile. To that end, we wondered what steps a person can take to stop a bully before taking any legal action or seeking the HR department. Dr. Haber says the first thing is that you have to know yourself. Then, directly confront that bully in a non-threatening way. Ask them “is there something I did? Because maybe I’m misperceiving it.”

When it comes to handling a bully outside the office, say a neighbor or a peer at a sporting event or town activity, first realize it’s not your fault. It’s the bully that has the issue. Use your head to talk to the bully. Let your emotions settle first before you approach them so you can speak with a clear head. If your emotions are really high, walk away and regain your composure before approaching them.

So why do adults bully? Dr. Haber says that bullies are looking for support and also power. They feel as if they connect more with people through their nasty behavior. And if the support system - or bystander as they're called - would do something about it, the bully might stop, but that hardly ever happens. The bullies are rewarded and there's this incredible cycle that reinforces the bullying. 

Have you ever been bullied as an adult? How did you handle the situation?

via shine.yahoo.com

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What the...? Dr. Haber, by asking the bully what you did wrong, you are admitting to the bully that IT'S YOUR FAULT! Whether that's your intention, that's how the bully will perceive it. Screw the non-confrontational approach.

I handled two bullies in the last month. Now, while this was in a game environment, they were still bullies. They attacked my characters, stole supplies and then sent me a threatening message. Their message was: " Your Alliance (group of gamers who get together to help each other out in the game) and my alliance are at war. Leave your Alliance, join my alliance, or get mowed under with the rest of them."

My response was "Dude, I'm playing the game to enjoy it. My alliance invited me in with offers of help and protection against bullies like you. You are a representative of your alliance, officially or unofficially, and the first thing you do is steal from my characters in the game and then threaten me? That tells me that you're a bully and your alliance isn't worth joining. I've already identified your location and name. I'm not backing down from you, and my high-powered Alliance knows exactly where you are. Your move."

Interestingly enough, they backed down.

For real life scenarios, do something similar. Point out exactly what they are doing and that it's bullying and intimidating behavior. Then take steps (document the incident and make higher ups in the company aware of the behavior) to end it. Even if nothing is done the first time around, you will have identified the bully, and if they do it again, there will be a record that they will not stop. If your higher up does not stop it, go to the person above them. and the next one. If you go as high as you can go, then take legal action, both against the person bullying, and the company allowing them to continue.

Most importantly, don't back down. Stand firm and refuse to let them keep bullying you. You don't have to get in their face and scream, but just firmly state your side. Then document everything. If you are fired for standing up to them, you have yourself lawsuit fodder.

Comments

[trekkiebabe]

Dr. Haber obviously has not been bullied, or else he just thinks it's better to give in to the bullies. You've got to stand up to them, or get help from others if you need to, I don't know about you but I'm tired of being bullied!

[Vantalbar]

I really don't like this kind of advice. What kind of message does backing down send to the bullies? Why does no one ever consider that?

[Headset Hellion]

OMG, he sounds like the kind of asshole who would say something like, "I'm not saying she deserved to be raped, but maybe she shouldn't have been out at the club in such revealing clothing!" Fucking dickhead. Ugh!

[Jami]

He reminds me of my elementary school teachers. They used to tell us to not report bullying because "Being bullied makes you a stronger adult."

Ah, the 80s, full of crappy advice. You know I had one kid who used to kick me in the shins every single day. When we finally got the principal to do something and call the boy's father in, he asked what the big deal was. Even though I had huge bruises from his son kicking me.

And of course I still get bullied as an adult too. I tend to ignore it rather than bother confronting them.

[The Last Archimedean]

Dr. Joel Haber is a moron. Some jackass tried to bully me in middle school and was visibly shocked when I threw a punch. It wasn't a very good one, and he hit me back and bounced my head off a nearby row of lockers, but after we both got in trouble for fighting, no one tried to bully me again. I guess they figured I was practicing my punches so I could throw a more effective one next time.

As for adult bullying, come right back at them with twice the cyberforce they came at you with. Also, make a point to find out any dark secrets they are hiding and spill them to the higher-ups to get them in trouble. After a few bullies get written up or fired, word will get around.

[WMDKitty]

Dude's a fucking idiot and has clearly never had to deal with bullying first-hand.

[Teapot]

Oh god. If you get bullied as an adult, laugh it off! They obviously haven't grown out of the high school phase. It's impossible to bully someone who is laughing at you.

[Jami]

It's not so easy to laugh it off, Tea. Some of the bullying gets physical. I've mentioned before how people have gone so far as to throw things at my mom's legs to see if she can move them. And I have a cyber bully who likes to come at me under the names of ones I love who have died and claim I've killed them by sitting on them.

I do ignore the idiot. Block their e-mails. But I have reason to believe I'm related to my bully. If it is who I think it is, they're worthless, drug addicts, child abusers, and basically stereotypical poor white trash. But family shouldn't bully family.

[Nocturnesthesia]

Everyone puts up with a degree of bullshit at work but if you get constantly locked in freezers, people throwing your possessions in the toilet or throwing dog shit at you as an adult then there is legal recourse. As a child I was completely powerless with no control over my life and got it back twice as bad from teachers/parents if I retaliated in any way. But now I am perfectly entitled to tell stupid and rude people to fuck off and die, or respond to a shove/grope with a punch if warranted. So yeah, I guess if you consider rude people as "bullies" you're being a bit dramatic.