It's about all those things we want to say, but can't. If you've read Freeman's book, you know that he had rants that only occurred in his head towards crustys/co workers/bosses. We all do, it's part of working retail. But what if you had a chance to say whatever you wanted? What would you say? I got a few responses, so for those of you that didn't get a chance to put your two cents in, please use the comments section to let me know what you would say. My answers will be first followed by the RHUers who were able to respond.
This is going to be long, so settle in.
If you're easilly offended, skip this post.
"I guess that means it's free, right?" (When something doesn't ring up, or have a price tag/UPC on it)
Yes, because that's how we make money, by giving shit away you moron.
Deadpan look: "No, why would you say that?" Blank stare. Continue staring until they nervously break eye contact. (Anonymous)
Nope, it means there is a $15 idiot fee attached, your total is *outrageous price* Have a great day and get the fuck out. (Buddy the Elf...What's Your Favorite Colour?)
"Gee, you're so funny, it's as if I haven't heard that fifty times already today! And put on some damn deodorant, for Pete's sake!" (Annon)
"I just printed that this morning." (When you're checking a large bill to see if it's counterfeit)
I bet the police will be really interested to hear that. (Pick up phone) Let me call them right now.
Then you don't mind if I keep it since it's obviously fake? (Anonymous)
Oh then you won't mind me calling the police to have you arrested for making counterfeit money. (Arch Guy)
So would you like to call the Secret Service for admission of counterfeiting or shall I? (Buddy The Elf)
"Are you stupid/incompitent?" (When you make a mistake because the customer changed their order 17 times, or lies and tells you they ordered a number 3 after you double checked that they wanted a number 5)
Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. I confirmed your order twice and now you're apparently too stupid to remember what you just ordered.
No, how about you? (Anonymous)
No, actually I believe you are the incompetent fool, not I. If you would have remembered what the fuck you wanted the first time we wouldn't be having this problem. (Buddy The Elf)
Why? Do you need someone to communicate on your level? (Carma)
I should ask if YOU are smart enough to shop here? (Majuba)
I'm not, but you must be if you come in to the same restaurant 5 nights a week to feed your hideous crotch droppings, making ridiculous changes to a simple burger, and then complain because it took us more than 30 seconds to make your fresh cooked food. (Arch Guy)
Whenever a manager tells you to make a return, even though the situation doesn't meet ONE requirement of your return policy (being returned in re-sellable condition, being returned within the time frame for returns, no receipt/proof of purchase).
I got a better idea. Why don't you punch in to this register and do the return so when corporate wonders why we didn't meet our sales goal they can blame you and not me. I'm not going to risk my job just because you're too spineless to say no to this idiot.
You can process this return and sign your own name, I refuse to break policy because you're an idiot. (Buddy The Elf)
When a manager backs an obviously hostile/stupid/scamming customer over you, the loyal employee who is following store policy.
I've been working here X years, have been one of your most loyal and honest employees and you believe this douche hammer over me? No wonder everyone hates you. Don't look at me that way, it's true. Everyone here hates you.
Thanks boss, I'm glad you believe this conniving thief over me and the store policies. Shall we get out the handbook and show you what you're doing wrong? Maybe you should just promote me and quit. (Buddy The Elf)
"Don't tell my kid what to do!" (When warning off a hellspawn from doing something that could either hurt them or damage merchandise)
Somebody needs to, since you're doing such a stellar job of parenting. I've seen animals that treat their offspring better than you do. How about this, next time I'll just ignore your kid like you do and let him bash his stupid head open.
Then do your damn job and scold your devilspawn. (DXKramer)
Okay, I won't tell your crotchfruit what to do, but if he/she/it gets hurt don't say a fucking word. I don't want to hear it, and make the bastard stop crying too, no one wants to hear it.
Okay, I won't tell your crotchfruit what to do but if he/she/it breaks x item YOU will pay for it and YOU will clean it up, no buts about it. (Buddy The Elf)
"Do you know who I am?" (Any entitled customer who thinks that the world revolves around them and you should treat them as such)
No, and I don't fucking care either.
Unless you're a member of my family...no. (DXKramer)
Who, Dick Fuckington? (Anonymous)
You mean you don't know who you are? I sure as hell don't give a damn who you are, wait, yes...I do know who you are, you're asshole number 832. Would you like a cookie? (Buddy The Elf)
Have you forgotten again? Maybe you have it written down somewhere? (Carma)
Any creepy pickup line from a creepy customer.
Lady, I wouldn't fuck you with a stolen dick.
I'm gay/a lesbian. (DXKramer)
Say that again and I'll rip your dick off. (Buddy The Elf)
A customer invading your personal space/inappropriate touching.
Back. The Fuck. Up.
Touch me again and you'll lose your hand.
If you don't back up I am going to back you up, get the fuck out of my face. (Buddy The Elf)
"I'm going to get you fired!"
That's the 37th time I've heard that. I've been here six years, and not one customer complaint has gotten me fired, or even written up. Good luck.
Good luck. I own the place. (DXKramer)
Yeah, you and all the other whiney shits who think I give a damn about what you do, when you're the idiot in the wrong, not me. (CSRawr)
Any customer who uses your name, just because you're forced to wear a name tag (excludes regulars who you know well enough to be on a first name basis with).
Start calling them by some random name, like Joe or Rolando (or any ridiculous name you can think of).
Quit being creepy. (Buddy The Elf)
"They keeping you busy?"
Well, it was either this or 25 to life for killing the last person that asked me a stupid question.
NO! I'm just mopping for the fuck of it. (DXKramer)
I am at work, ya know, the place where you stay busy in return for monies? Have you ever done that before? (Buddy The Elf)
No, I just thought I'd come in and straighten stuff out for fun. (Timekeeper's Twit)
"Working hard or hardly working?"
I've killed people for less than that.
Working hard not to smash your face in at the moment and it is hardly working. (Buddy The Elf)
"Are you open?" (When you're at the till and clearly are)/ "You looked bored, so I figure I'd give you something to do."
No, I'm just standing here holding this patch of floor down./I'm not bored, I was just thinking of ten different ways to kill you. I was up to seven.
Nope, I just stand here like you and ask stupid questions.
The bored look is a cover-up for the "I want to kill idiots like you" look.
"Do you have anymore in the back?" (After you've checked and not found any) "Are you sure?"
I just checked and didn't find any. They're not going to magically appear just because you asked again.
"Come look for yourself." "No, I don't..." "No. Come. Now." (Anonymous)
Are you sure you're not an idiot? You might and to check again. (Buddy The Elf)
"Can you work for me?" (Being asked by a co-worker who never wants to work for you when you need time off)
I would, but I've got a really important appointment that day with I don't give a shit about you.
No, because you never return the favor and generally you're a fucking idiot. (Buddy The Elf)
Can, yes. Will? Absofuckinglutely not. Part of having a job is actually working your shifts. (Brittany Nelson)
Being bossed around by a co-worker who doesn't have the authority to tell you what to do.
Last time I checked, you weren't in charge, so shut the fuck up.
When you finally have the authority to say that shit to me I'll listen, but until then just go do your own damn job and leave me to do mine. (Buddy The Elf)
Having a manager show favoritism to an obviously useless co-worker, while making you work harder.
Gee, I wish I could be a useless fucktard like you two, I bet (whoever's next up in the food chain) would love to hear about this. (Then make a note of the date and time.)
No, I refuse to do extra for this incompetent fool, and you are lucky I work at all under your shitty management skills. (Buddy The Elf)
"Why aren't you helping me?"/"You're not being very helpful!" (When a crusty asks you for help, but is not specific as to what type of help they need, or are so vague that their request for help could be one of 10 things)
Because I'm just a lowly retail worker. I'm not qualified to give you the serious mental help you so obviously need./I'm not being helpful? Neither are you! I need to know more about what you want other than you saw it here last week and it was blue, we've got six thousand items in the store that are blue!
I am trying to help you, you ignorant twat. If you would be a bit more specific we wouldn't have a problem, but until then you're just asking for that random item on that one shelf over there and I could give a damn less what the fuck it might be. I am not psychic nor am I paid to try. (Buddy The Elf)
"Do you have [item that your store has never carried]?" (Examples: Being asked if you carry clothes... in a grocery store. Being asked if you carry video games... in an arts and crafts store.)
Did you seriously just fucking ask me that? We're a clothing store, not a fucking grocery.
Do you even know what store you're in? Please fucking pay attention before asking ridiculous questions like that. (Buddy The Elf)
"It's cheaper at [competitor]!"
So you came here why? (DXKramer)
Then get your happy ass in the car and go to their store instead of trying to guilt me into giving you something you quite frankly do not deserve. (Buddy The Elf)
Bitch (I mean that term for both men and women that ask that question) I don't control the prices. I have no say in how much things cost. The people we buy it from charge us a certain price and then we have to put a little on top of that price to make a profit. And anyhow if we are sooooo expensive why are you here? Just make everyone's life easier and go to that other store. (bitterbookaddickt)
Yes, sir, but our employee spa needs a new sauna so we raised our prices./Maybe you should try the Salvation Army store. (Carma)
Then go shop at [competitor], and leave me the fuck alone. (CSRawr)
"Why can't you do [something that for whatever reason is literally impossible]?"
Because this isn't a cartoon and I can't just magically pull something out of my ass.
Because I don't have a red and yellow "S" on my chest, dumbass. (Arch Guy)
Why can't you just go fuck off and die? *shitty response from them* Exactly, now quit being a dumbass. (Buddy The Elf)
Because I am not (insert deity name here), and you are an idiot. (CSRawr)
"Can I have a discount?"
Sure, you can have a discount. But you must give me, in writing, 50 good reasons why I should give you one by the time we close tonight.
Can I have your (insert nice thing the customer has or might have, like a vehicle/house)? *no* There is your answer. (Buddy The Elf)