Crustomer
By Dweazzle
To the tune of “Jingle Bells”
Dashing through the mall,
Get the fuck out of my way!
I’ve got shopping to do,
And I don’t want to pay!
You’ll give me discount rate,
Or I swear that I will sue,
“The Customer is God, you jerk!”
I’ll scream till I am blue!
(Chorus)
Crustomer, Crustomer,
I am never wrong!
All you slaves best do my will,
Or you won’t work here for long!
Coupons don’t expire,
No matter what they say,
Not good since ’92?
Use it anyway!
Managers, come here!
I want this asshole fired!
Been shopping here for forty years,
He’s obv’ously a liar!
(Chorus)
You can’t mean what you said,
There’s no way I’m gonna leave,
Face is turning red,
Your skull I’m gonna cleave!
Throw stuff on the floor,
I’m getting what I want,
Tantrums worked when I was four,
Entitlement I flaunt!
(Chorus)
Escorted to the door,
Haven’t heard the last of me!
Push you to the floor,
Now all my stuff is free!
Get me corporate now,
You won’t work again,
I’ll make sure you’re unemployed,
For telling me “No, Ma’am!”
(Chorus)
Cops are drawing nigh,
Can you see that you are screwed,
Arrest him, he’s the guy,
Told me I was rude!
No, I’ve done no wrong,
Why’re you taking me?
Stop smiling, you retail jerk
I’ll be back, just wait and see!
(Chorus)
Well written! I could actually see this working well if sung to the actual tune.
Posted by: Sales Agent Guy | Saturday, December 01, 2012 at 05:48 PM
Awww, you took my Jingle Bell parody! Oh well, I'll have to think of another clever one!
Posted by: Queer Geek | Sunday, December 02, 2012 at 12:37 AM
I love it! I was singing it to my husband. :D
Posted by: Retail Fairy 007 | Sunday, December 02, 2012 at 06:02 PM