The economy must be getting so bad that even a hooker is filing for unemployment! Things at work are starting to slow down and the company is cutting my hours which sucks monkey balls so I’m scrambling to find a second part time job to supplement a survival income. Sadly being a seasonal tourist gift shop, we don’t get very much holiday traffic since your average custy is at the mall or at Hellmart scrambling for last minute deals.
Since this year has got me down thanks to being laid off and taking a small paying gig, I haven’t been in the festive mood these last few months. I’ve finally decided to get off ass and do some Christmas shopping for a few family members. Now I refuse to venture into a nearby mall because frankly I don’t want to deal with crowds and it only irritates me more as a reminder of losing my job at Big Fancy that I’ve decided to support my local businesses who are hurting for money during the winter season.
In the city, there are tons of cute boutiques and specialty shops that do really good during the summer but when winter comes, it drops like Lindsay Lohan on an alcohol binge. I had to find some affordable gifts for two of my sisters and I thought I would support my local businesses in my area and find something unique and different for the two of them. There are two Bath and Body type shops within a one block radius of each other. The Spa Shop and the Lotion shop.
No sooner had we entered the Spa Shop waters when a swarm of sharks began circling us like bloody bait. RHU, I have worked commissionable based sales and if you’ve read Freeman Hall’s book, you can easily spot the sharks within a thirty mile radius. Sharks are the ones fellow salespeople hate because they will attack, chew, and gobble up any competing salesperson that gets in their way of a potential custy. Unfortunately, the prey was me and my coworker.
“Ode de Lavatory?” One ruthless Great White douses us with a bottle of perfume. “Made from the finest essential oils and gathered from bowels of Antarctica.” She shoves her fellow coworkers out of the way to get to us. I’m pretty sure she even would have pissed on us just to mark her territory.
I take a whiff of the foul odor and inhale an aroma of human sewage. I cringe.
“Peeyew! It smells like Old French Whore!” My coworker bluntly states. That’s one of the reasons I brought her along was because I admire her honesty. The Great White ignores her comments and starts to bombard us with questions.
“You’re looking for a gift?” She rambles. She was out for blood and she chomped on my leg and refused to let go. “We have bath salt sets. We have lotions sets. We have body wash sets. We have seaweed scrub sets. We have skin care sets. You buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Give me sale! Give me sale! Give me sale!”
I frown. “Um, I’m just looking.”
I pull my coworker with me and we start perusing the shelves for affordable lotions and soaps but the Great White still stalks out waiting for her next meal. Pulling a tiny box of lotion from the shelf, I look for the price and become surprised to find none. Then it dawns on me. Lotion shop is smart. They don’t want to tell you the price because they want you spend hundreds of dollars without you knowing it. Well I’m on a budget so I’m going to be careful on what I spend. Great White runs up to me.
“That’s an oil base product great for the skin and curing wrinkles!” She spouts. “You buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! You buy from me! Give me sale! Give me sale! Give me sale!”
“How much?” I ask.
She looks at me like I offended her. “Don’t worry about the price! You buy! Give me sale! It’s $50!”
“$50?” My coworker gasps. “What’s it made up clubbed seals and skinned pelts of polar bears? No thank you!”
I put back the box on the shelf to which the shark starts pulling all sorts of products and tossing them at me.
By this point, I’m so turned off that my coworker start to leave. The Great White is still not finished with us. She blockades the entrance and hands me her card.
“You come back to me!” She tells us before letting us pass. “I’m Great White! You buy from me! Buy! Buy! Buy! Give me sale! Give me sale! Give me sale!”
Frowning, we swim to shore faster than a screaming mob of desperate women at a Victoria Secret’s Black Friday sale.
Luckily, we made it out alive. Disgusted with the Spa Shop, we head down to Lotion Shop a block away where a nice young college girl greets us.
“Hello,” she smiles. “If you need any help, let me know.”
Grateful that none of us are being pressured, we browse the store and score some awesome deals of soaps and lotions. I was able to put together a Bath and Body set for both of siblings for under $10 compare to the $400 I might have been suckered to spend at Spa Shop. I guess when you’re desperate for sales during this time of year, the sharks will ruthlessly attack if they need to.
Happy Holidays, RHU!