1.) That none of the managers know each other.
Hate to break it to you, but your average PJs, Hut or whatever only has a handful of managers and they have all met each other. Therefore when you say “I talked to a manager this morning and he told me my order was going to be free since they messed it up,” we can fact check pretty damn fast. Also, it would behoove you not to make up a name of a manager, that conversation will spiral out of control faster than you can say Asshat.
2.) That we still write down our orders on deli slips and just toss them to the wind when we are done with them.
Even the low volume pizza chain is working off of a a computer system. Welcome to the technology age. What that means to you is that when you tell me that you ordered, I can take various information items such as your phone number, or address or even date and time and look up said order. And guess what? It’s got a large damn database that stores all this information keeping it available for access for a long ass time. So if you really want to make a long sob story about the pizza you never got, you better be ready for the long con because “two weeks ago” is not going to cut it.
3.)That managers aren’t kept up to date on employee status.
To explain. If you have recently been fired it’s best not to ask for your employee discount anymore. Also if you didn’t show up for a shift that night, it is also not advisable to get drunk, order, and expect to use your employee discount. This assumption also covers the crazy notion that managers aren’t aware of the names of their employees. So save us both the ten minutes and don’t try to convince the general manager that you work there but was hired by the owner and only work at very specific times that isn’t written down on the schedule and that’s why I don’t know your name.
4.)That we have raw meat.
I know mom and pop shops will often have meat and such, but your average pizza chain does not. We actually don’t even have freezer storage. Wings? Already cooked. Chicken tenders? Already Cooked. Pepperoni and sausage? Seriously if you didn’t know that this always put on a pizza after it’s cooked you probably shouldn’t be ordering pizza by yourself anyways. What does this mean to you? It means you should probably think twice before picking up the phone to tell me you are dying of food poisoning. Your speech about the fatally dangerous cross contamination you know happened does not have the 60 Minutes expose impact you think it does. If you insist upon going the food-borne illness route I do urge to you wait a bit longer than 20 minutes after you received your food. Also, if you call back 6 times telling me how sick you are and how can’t stop throwing up and demanding that I help you, I will call 911 and have a paramedic go to your house. I’m not medically trained, they are, problem solved.
5.)That we know the phone number to all of the other same name restaurants there ever was and will be.
There is no master list. There are 5000 Domino’s in the US alone. Not to mention that there are often more than one of each type in each city and a butt ton of different franchise owners. Therefore you cannot call a Papa John’s in Atlanta and expect them to have the phone number to the one in San Diego that is closest to you. Don’t throw a damn fit and act like we are withholding information to mess with you. We don’t know. And no, like hundreds and hundreds of businesses, our computer system is tied to a specific intranet system that only allows very limited web access, so we cannot look it up for you.
6.)That we have absolutely no idea how long ago you ordered your pizza.
Yes this relates to number two but on a smaller scale. You cannot convince me or the driver that you ordered 3 and half hours ago. We have your order time on the box. Local time. Plain as day. Knock it off.
7.)That after 10pm we become a bank as well as your restaurant.
We don’t care what you need the change for, we don’t have it. Low tills go even lower at night. I’m sorry your bank is closed and the gas station doesn’t like your face but I’m not breaking that 100 for you. And if you absolutely force the damn issue, I will choose what change you get and you will not like it.
8.)The amount of pizza we can make at one time is limited because we are understaffed and/or lazy.
For stores that do large catering orders (30+ pies), they are scheduled on a first come first serve basis. What this means is that company that called a week ago and asks for their order at 11am gets it at 11. The company that calls three days in advance for an 11am order gets 11:30 or 10:30. And last but not least the douche who forgot they were supposed to take care of lunch and calls two hours before the coveted 11am pick up time and throws a straight hissy when we can only offer a time that is an hour or more from that. In that hissy the douchy yells at us for being too lazy to make the extra pies or punishing the customer because we are understaffed and haven’t got our shit together. So which is the real reason behind our diabolical scheme to ruin the lunch he planned in advance so effectively? *insert final Jepordy theme here* Aaaaand the answer is.....none of the above! The true blue reason we won’t make 90 pies at the same damn time is this magical appliance called the oven. Though it is a sturdy, magical, and hardworking (albeit finicky at times) piece of equipment...it does not have infinite space capabilities quite yet. So if we grab a calculator and analyze 6.5 minute cooking time times 20 pizzas in the oven at once, divide conveyor speed and subtract heat rack space and.....okay, that’s not an exact formula, but what it equals is a lot of pizzas sitting unheated for too long. Yes, we are dicking you over for the devious intention of maintaining food quality. So feel free to call back 3 more times to complain what a terrible company we are and how we don’t care about the customer at all.
9.) Our estimated time of food arrival/completion is a random number we have taken a fancy to that day.
So back to our crazy computer system.... Lets reiterated the established point that it keeps track order times. I’m going to elaborate on this and include that it also keeps track of how long it takes to make a pizza, how long it takes to deliver it, etc etc. This means that the estimated time your order taker has offered you just might include a hint of realistic expectation. Now as any customer knows this number can err on the side of being far sooner than it actually takes. In fact this is the case most of the time when the estimated time is wrong. Which means questions like “Can I get it sooner than that?” or “Is that the fastest you can deliver?” or even “But it’s not really going to take that long right?” seem pretty damn silly when you think about it. Point is, when we are giving you a time in which you and your food will be joined, it is based on the time it takes us to make and/or deliver the pizza based on the current volume. We are not finishing a poker game, or purposely making your order slower than any other (unless you have really really earned it but honestly we just like to get the F*%# rid of you faster when you are pissing us off, not drag it out). We aren’t putting your order first because you want to be first. Suck it up.
10.)”I will have your job” is a terrifying threat
You couldn’t handle my job you twat faced spoiled brat.
11.)The more you add into a conversation that you are a regular customer and eat at our store all the time, the more likely you are to get what you want.
That quote is actually is giant red flag. It lets all of us know that we are in for some horses*&^. Hell the more you say it, the less likely we are to even remember what the hell you are complaining about. The truth is, if you are really seriously complaining about an issue. Just calmly tell us what happened and we will bend over backward to fix it. YOu don’t have to fake a sweet tone, try to butter us up with “I never complain but...”. We are human, you are human. Find the common ground, walk on it and we’ll get there together.
12.)Asking for a managers name and the store number will cause them to pee themselves in fear.
You never call anyone. We know you never call anyone. We always give you our names and store numbers because we never hear from you again.
13.) Reminding us that you have a lawyer on call will impress us into submission
Last I checked, but people who could afford and/or had a need for a lawyer on retainer usually don’t take 20 minutes out of their day to fight a 20 year old over an expired coupon.
14.) I can always throw the race card.
Not over the phone you can’t.
15.) I didn’t get my pizza in less than 30 minutes so it’s free.
For the love of all things holy, this was discontinued in 1992.
16.) My order was wrong therefore the world is ending.
Stop. Seriously. It’s one damn meal. Yes it sucks when it goes wrong, we have all had something screwed up and it’s a disappointment, it’s irritating, it’s frustrating, we know. However, it is not a national crisis. It is not a “tragedy” or “completely ridiculous” or even “unacceptable”. Seriously, if you go through life finding every mistake “unacceptable” you are going to be one giant piece of shi*t human being. It was also not personal. I know this is hard to comprehend sometimes since the world clearly revolves around you, but we didn’t seek you out on purpose. You were not targeted for an attack so please stop wailing about why this had to happen to you.
PS: Any more that I missed?