When Crustys Assume About Quick Service Restaurants, We Lay The Smackdown

This is basically a list of things of the silly things that people seem assume when they order from QSR (quick service restaurants). This of course will be geared to your average pizza chain since that is my unfortunate bread and butter.

1.) That none of the managers know each other.
Hate to break it to you, but your average PJs, Hut or whatever only has a handful of managers and they have all met each other. Therefore when you say “I talked to a manager this morning and he told me my order was going to be free since they messed it up,” we can fact check pretty damn fast. Also, it would behoove you not to make up a name of a manager, that conversation will spiral out of control faster than you can say Asshat.


2.) That we still write down our orders on deli slips and just toss them to the wind when we are done with them.
Even the low volume pizza chain is working off of a a computer system. Welcome to the technology age. What that means to you is that when you tell me that you ordered, I can take various information items such as your phone number, or address or even date and time and look up said order. And guess what? It’s got a large damn database that stores all this information keeping it available for access for a long ass time. So if you really want to make a long sob story about the pizza you never got, you better be ready for the long con because “two weeks ago” is not going to cut it.

3.)That managers aren’t kept up to date on employee status.
To explain. If you have recently been fired it’s best not to ask for your employee discount anymore. Also if you didn’t show up for a shift that night, it is also not advisable to get drunk, order, and expect to use your employee discount. This assumption also covers the crazy notion that managers aren’t aware of the names of their employees. So save us both the ten minutes and don’t try to convince the general manager that you work there but was hired by the owner and only work at very specific times that isn’t written down on the schedule and that’s why I don’t know your name.

4.)That we have raw meat.
I know mom and pop shops will often have meat and such, but your average pizza chain does not. We actually don’t even have freezer storage. Wings? Already cooked. Chicken tenders? Already Cooked. Pepperoni and sausage? Seriously if you didn’t know that this always put on a pizza after it’s cooked you probably shouldn’t be ordering pizza by yourself anyways. What does this mean to you? It means you should probably think twice before picking up the phone to tell me you are dying of food poisoning. Your speech about the fatally dangerous cross contamination you know happened does not have the 60 Minutes expose impact you think it does. If you insist upon going the food-borne illness route I do urge to you wait a bit longer than 20 minutes after you received your food. Also, if you call back 6 times telling me how sick you are and how can’t stop throwing up and demanding that I help you, I will call 911 and have a paramedic go to your house. I’m not medically trained, they are, problem solved.

5.)That we know the phone number to all of the other same name restaurants there ever was and will be.
There is no master list. There are 5000 Domino’s in the US alone. Not to mention that there are often more than one of each type in each city and a butt ton of different franchise owners. Therefore you cannot call a Papa John’s in Atlanta and expect them to have the phone number to the one in San Diego that is closest to you. Don’t throw a damn fit and act like we are withholding information to mess with you. We don’t know. And no, like hundreds and hundreds of businesses, our computer system is tied to a specific intranet system that only allows very limited web access, so we cannot look it up for you.

6.)That we have absolutely no idea how long ago you ordered your pizza.
Yes this relates to number two but on a smaller scale. You cannot convince me or the driver that you ordered 3 and half hours ago. We have your order time on the box. Local time. Plain as day. Knock it off.

7.)That after 10pm we become a bank as well as your restaurant.
We don’t care what you need the change for, we don’t have it. Low tills go even lower at night. I’m sorry your bank is closed and the gas station doesn’t like your face but I’m not breaking that 100 for you. And if you absolutely force the damn issue, I will choose what change you get and you will not like it.

8.)The amount of pizza we can make at one time is limited because we are understaffed and/or lazy.
For stores that do large catering orders (30+ pies), they are scheduled on a first come first serve basis. What this means is that company that called a week ago and asks for their order at 11am gets it at 11. The company that calls three days in advance for an 11am order gets 11:30 or 10:30. And last but not least the douche who forgot they were supposed to take care of lunch and calls two hours before the coveted 11am pick up time and throws a straight hissy when we can only offer a time that is an hour or more from that. In that hissy the douchy yells at us for being too lazy to make the extra pies or punishing the customer because we are understaffed and haven’t got our shit together. So which is the real reason behind our diabolical scheme to ruin the lunch he planned in advance so effectively? *insert final Jepordy theme here* Aaaaand the answer is.....none of the above! The true blue reason we won’t make 90 pies at the same damn time is this magical appliance called the oven. Though it is a sturdy, magical, and hardworking (albeit finicky at times) piece of equipment...it does not have infinite space capabilities quite yet. So if we grab a calculator and analyze 6.5 minute cooking time times 20 pizzas in the oven at once, divide conveyor speed and subtract heat rack space and.....okay, that’s not an exact formula, but what it equals is a lot of pizzas sitting unheated for too long. Yes, we are dicking you over for the devious intention of maintaining food quality. So feel free to call back 3 more times to complain what a terrible company we are and how we don’t care about the customer at all.

9.) Our estimated time of food arrival/completion is a random number we have taken a fancy to that day.
So back to our crazy computer system.... Lets reiterated the established point that it keeps track order times. I’m going to elaborate on this and include that it also keeps track of how long it takes to make a pizza, how long it takes to deliver it, etc etc. This means that the estimated time your order taker has offered you just might include a hint of realistic expectation. Now as any customer knows this number can err on the side of being far sooner than it actually takes. In fact this is the case most of the time when the estimated time is wrong. Which means questions like “Can I get it sooner than that?” or “Is that the fastest you can deliver?” or even “But it’s not really going to take that long right?” seem pretty damn silly when you think about it. Point is, when we are giving you a time in which you and your food will be joined, it is based on the time it takes us to make and/or deliver the pizza based on the current volume. We are not finishing a poker game, or purposely making your order slower than any other (unless you have really really earned it but honestly we just like to get the F*%# rid of you faster when you are pissing us off, not drag it out). We aren’t putting your order first because you want to be first. Suck it up.

10.)”I will have your job” is a terrifying threat
You couldn’t handle my job you twat faced spoiled brat.

11.)The more you add into a conversation that you are a regular customer and eat at our store all the time, the more likely you are to get what you want.
That quote is actually is giant red flag. It lets all of us know that we are in for some horses*&^. Hell the more you say it, the less likely we are to even remember what the hell you are complaining about. The truth is, if you are really seriously complaining about an issue. Just calmly tell us what happened and we will bend over backward to fix it. YOu don’t have to fake a sweet tone, try to butter us up with “I never complain but...”. We are human, you are human. Find the common ground, walk on it and we’ll get there together.

12.)Asking for a managers name and the store number will cause them to pee themselves in fear.
You never call anyone. We know you never call anyone. We always give you our names and store numbers because we never hear from you again.

13.) Reminding us that you have a lawyer on call will impress us into submission
Last I checked, but people who could afford and/or had a need for a lawyer on retainer usually don’t take 20 minutes out of their day to fight a 20 year old over an expired coupon.

14.) I can always throw the race card.
Not over the phone you can’t.

15.) I didn’t get my pizza in less than 30 minutes so it’s free.
For the love of all things holy, this was discontinued in 1992.

16.) My order was wrong therefore the world is ending.
Stop. Seriously. It’s one damn meal. Yes it sucks when it goes wrong, we have all had something screwed up and it’s a disappointment, it’s irritating, it’s frustrating, we know. However, it is not a national crisis. It is not a “tragedy” or “completely ridiculous” or even “unacceptable”. Seriously, if you go through life finding every mistake “unacceptable” you are going to be one giant piece of shi*t human being. It was also not personal. I know this is hard to comprehend sometimes since the world clearly revolves around you, but we didn’t seek you out on purpose. You were not targeted for an attack so please stop wailing about why this had to happen to you.

--Lexi

PS: Any more that I missed?

Comments

[Perky]

How about as an extension to number 5--we also can not always give driving directions to our store or any other store from any or all random locations. I can not count the number number of times I have had people call up and ask how to get to my store, and have been pissed off because I did not know the area from which they were coming from. Some times I can easily give driving directions, but I am not a freaking map or GPS device. One person cussed me out because I could not give him directions when he was coming from over 250 miles away. asshole.

[LaserSpawn]

here's one.

don't assume that the person you are talking to isn't a manager because they are young/old/fat/skinny/whatever other-discriminatory-accusation.
sometimes they are indeed a manager and they will pwn your ass so fast that you wont know what happened.

[Nomnom]

I actually had no idea pepperoni and sausage were put on after the pizza was cooked. They always seem like they've been through the oven with the rest of it to me.

Also, how do you get away with not having freezer storage? I get that they're already cooked but don't you have to store that stuff so it doesn't rot before you heat it back up? That's actually kind of alarming.

[Lexi]

In response to Nomnom.
Sorry about the confusion with the pepperoni/sausage. Yes they go through the oven with the rest of the pizza. What I meant by that is that they are received by the story fully cooked. Like when you buy them at the super market, you can eat most sausage and pepperoni right out of the package. People assume we have raw pork and beef sitting around.

Oops, I was a bit confusing with the freezer comment too, sorry :/ There is a difference between a walk-in freezer, and a walk-in cooler (0-10 degrees f and 35-40 degrees f respectively) Since most chains only get a food truck twice a week, we wouldn't be able to safely store raw meat products for an extended amount of time (think of the difference between keeping ground beef in a freezer versus a fridge). I promise your local pizza hut does put their food in a fridge, did not mean to scare you there.

[Zmidponk]

"1.) That none of the managers know each other."

As an addendum to this, "That you can persuade me to do something I shouldn't by claiming a manager who's not here OK'd it."

I say this as it's not the first time I've had a customer saying that 'the manager' said something, such as that a return would be OK, despite having zero evidence it was bought from us, and, upon me checking with all the available people who could have been 'the manager' in question, and them denying any knowledge, the customer claims that it must have been another manager who isn't here right now (even if there isn't another manager who isn't there right then). Most places I've worked, to use the same example, it can go very bad for me if I depart from company policy in order to process a return when I shouldn't. The only way I might take risks like that is if I can verify that somebody else who has the necessary authority has OK'd it, and either this is recorded by some method or I can trust them not to lie to cover their own ass if there's any blowback over it. Otherwise, sorry, if a manager who isn't here right now has said something, you're going to have to wait until they are here so I can verify that.

[Hellraiser]

Also relating to 11:
That reading the employee's nametag and the calling them repeatedly by name while you deliver a detailed blow-by-blow account of your colonoscopy/child's accomplishments/traffic accident/etc every time you come into the store will make you well-liked, remembered, and a regular.
You're own family doesn't want to hear this, what makes you think we do? We have to smile and nod, but we haven't heard a word you've said in the last five minutes and probably won't remember you. If you are remembered, it won't be in a good way.

[Spritzy]

I get that pepperoni is pre-cooked...and that at many chain restaurants, the sausage bits come pre-cooked too...but, aside from the "heat-and-serve" sausage in the deli case at the store, most sausage I've seen is sold uncooked.
Now good 'ol locally made Chicago Deep Dish is made with the sausage put on the pie uncooked before it's baked...they spread a full thin layer of sausage across the whole crust...like a giant sausage patty (only thinner) Then, cause the layer is thin, it fully cooks while it's baking.
But that's small privately owned places...not applicable to big chain stores.

[Racket_Man]

All very good points and situations.

Unfortuneately in the BIG pizza biz, the customer usually get free shit no matter what. At least at the larger pizza chains -- customer complains --- customer get what they want --- free shit.

my store had one customer go absolutley apeshit over a missing order of breasticks on a $70 order.

Our solution - give the customer a credit for $5 AND get the missing item to them ASAP

Their solution ---- I WANT MY ORDER FOR FREEEEEEEE

and yes they eveentually got their WHOLE order for free after going up the management chain (got all the way up to the franchise VP level).

My pizza company's mantra is "Give them free stuff while we complain how poor we are."

[texas bbq]

Thanks for the info....

[LSitNW]

Loved it! The one thing about someone saying I'm a regular is that they never are. Regular customers don't need to play that card - unless they are dicks.

[Tru]

I like that the computers have so much info at the pizza places. We had one bad order out of a ton a great ones. I called to let them know in case there was a problem at the location. I wasn't angry, just confused after previous great service. They saw on their computers that we were regulars and they gave us our next order free. It was awesome! And we continued to get great pizza.

[Melpomene]

I do have one comment to make about point 4. You've said:
"If you insist upon going the food-borne illness route I do urge to you wait a bit longer than 20 minutes after you received your food"

Some bacteria that cause food poisoning can lead to nausea and vomiting within 15-30 minutes of consumption. This does mean 20mins after receiving the pizza is probably a little too soon to be complaining, but don't discount someone just because you think it's too soon for any symptoms to arise.
In addition, even though you don't use raw meat, there is still a possibility of contamination, often through employees not washing their hands properly.
I used to work as a chef, so I know how annoying it is when someone tries to blame your cooking for their upset stomach (especially when the symptoms arose 3 days later, and several others had the same meal and are fine) and I know most food poisoning is caused by poor hygiene at home. I'm not by any means saying that you have to believe every person who makes that claim, but timing alone is not a reason to discount them.

[Skittles]

@Hellraiser In all fairness it will make them remembered just not fondly. More like: oh crap not this again, I do not need to know anything about his/her hemroids.

[Kikzilla]

Just because something is cooked does not mean you cannot get food poisoning from it!

Holy hell, I agree with most of that, but given that I was HOSPITALIZED during the week before exams of the most hellish semester ever ( Music Theory III, lost my perfect attendance, lost my extra credit, took my grade from a B+ to a C+ and thus had to retake it over the summer ) due to a food poisoning from a pizza place, please, no, don't sell me that line of BS.

And yes, it was the pizza. I was 19 at the time, still living at home, and both me and my mother were broke as hell and hadn't ate anything all day, except the pepperoni pizza we ordered from pizza hut(as a splurge and a reward). We both got sick, we were both sick for days. There was not any other possible way for us to get food poisoning. The only plus was that I lost 20lbs in one week, because I was doing good if I could keep a glass of water down. No, it is not hyperbole, this was an honest to goodness case of food poisoning, not, oh, I got indigestion and a small case of the shits, but full-blown food poisoning.

Even if food is COOKED, if it is left out, or improperly packed, stored, chilled, etc, it will go off! Pizza included. That is why we have it pounded into our little noggins while we're at school to put things away, put any left overs away quickly, because once they drop below a certain temperature, they start growing bacteria!