Some days I like my job.
And some days I wish I was thin and pretty enough to have married for money.
I normally don't work Thursdays, but I agreed to work three hours extra this week on Thursday - the slowest hours at the library. Sadly that was also when a man we all call Loud Mouth showed up with a friend. His friend was a full blown conspiracy theorist minus his tinfoil hat. The first thing Tin Foil did was come up to me and invite me to see his "private library" of "declassified FBI files." He prattled on to me about Nazi experiments on Plum Island conducted by the American government on mind control. How Presidents George Bush Sr and Bill Clinton both received large shipments of cocaine via airplanes while in the White House and how they both used White Water to launder the money. He'd walk away for a bit and I'd try to engage other patrons in conversation to keep him at bay.
Finally one of the librarians noticed what was going on and sent me to the back room until both Loud Mouth and Tin Foil were gone.
Today I received a phone call from Loud Mouth. He wanted to check the due dates on his DVDs. One of them was a non-fiction DVD that he instantly began ranting that he returned. I did a shelf check, it's not there. He started in on me about how someone in the library is out to get him and there's a "conspiracy against him" and how this always happens when he puts things in the outside book drop. Our phones time how long you're on the phone. It took 5 minutes, 39 seconds to calm him down and get off the phone.
Not two seconds pass and he's calling me again to check his due dates again. Then starts in about the DVD and about how people can look at his record. I mentioned that unless you pay for an item for any reason the second something is turned in it's erased off one's record for privacy reasons and no one can look up your pass check outs unless you were billed for them.
He INSTANTLY began giving me a lecture on how the American government can look into one's check out records. (Which is NOT true. What I said was right and anyway even if they could they have to get a subpoena first, and headquarters would still have to approve of it - librarians won't let the government pry into people's records willy nilly.)
By this time I was so upset with the guy and had so many more important things to do I put the phone on the desk and let him rant to dead air until he hung up. I put a note about everything on his records and told my supervisor all about it once she came back from her break.
He not only upset me, but I could see other patrons around me get upset and give me sympathetic looks. That's right, this guy is called Loud Mouth for a reason. Even over the phone he can be heard by everyone.
I seriously need to find a way to shed 110 pounds, get plastic surgery, and become some rich man's trophy wife. Or get one of my YouTube videos to go viral so I can be discovered. Either will do. I just want to be wealthy enough to be able to tell Loud Mouth to go do the world a favor and check into the nearest loony bin because he needs professional help.
- The Singing Library Clerk