If Our Store Doesn't Stock It, Please Come Back While Drunk And Scream "Dildo" In Front Of Kids

Hello, long time reader here! I personally do not work retail due to my lack of a filter. I am married to a store manager, and lately he has been coming home with some interesting stories. Call me Zeacow. I think I've posted a couple comments under that name.

Here is one from a couple months back involving a guy we have dubbed Drunken Dildo Man.

We live in the Midwest, no oceans at all (despite a surprising amount of people thinking otherwise), A man came into his store one morning and proceeded to ask my husband if he had any marine GPS' in stock. My husband took a moment for the request to process as even the closest body of water was several hours away, and there were three stores closer to that lake. He politely tells the man they do not carry them in the store as there is no demand (usually) for them. Drunken Dildo Man starts to get pissy as he trolls around and asks if the other GPS' they have in stock are marine ones. Hubby politely tells him no every time and each time Drunken Dildo Man gets redder and redder until he finally snaps and starts screaming.

Drunken Dildo Man: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU NOT HAVE THESE? EVERY STORE ON THE WEST COAST I HAVE BEEN TO HAS THEM!

Hubby: I'm sorry sir but, you are in the Midwest and as there are no oceans nearby, there is no real demand so we do not stock them. However, if you would like, you could go online and I am sure you will find what you are looking for there.

Drunken Dildo Man: YOU ARE JUST LAZY! HOW COULD THEY LET SOMEONE LIKE YOU BE A MANAGER?!

Hubby: I am sorry you feel that way but if you continue to use that language you WILL be asked to leave. We have kids in here right now, and that is hardly appropriate language.

Drunken Dildo Man huffs out of the store and drives off. Hubby shrugs it off and figures he won't be back. Usually people who come in and start yelling usually don't show back up. He doesn't fuck around if a customer is getting violent or shows signs of getting there and will call the cops.

Next day Drunken Dildo Man comes back and hubby says they could smell the rum on his breath the moment he came in. Drunken Dildo Man wanders around silently until a couple with their children come in. Suddenly he starts running around, trying to knock things over, screaming "DILDO! DILDO! DILDO! DILDO! DILDO!"

Hubby sighs, apologizes before handing the couple off to one of his associates I'll call Uberginger. He goes in back to his office and proceeds to call the cops to report him for both drunk driving and creating a disturbance in his store.

Once the man spots the patrol car coming around he runs out and PEES on Uberginger's car, keeping his eyes locked on the approaching cops the whole time. He tried running but was so shitfaced he didn't bother pulling up his pants so faceplanted. They shoved him in the patrol car, all the while he is screaming DILDO again at the top of his lungs.

We got a good laugh out of it.

--Zeacow

Comments

[Durango Deli Slave]

Stay Classy, Sir.

What a F-Tard. Sorry your hubby had to endure an idiot that only can told about in stories and whispered about in corners of darkened halls. Good Goddess, I didn't even think morons like that actually existed.

[Zeacow]

Theres special kinds of stupid in this town, unfortunately.

[The Last Archimedean]

I hope he was banned from the store, charged with something and got a free vacation at the Gray Bar Inn for a week or two.

[botulismsauce]

the title of this article is made of so much win.

[KennelKitty]

Well on the plus side, it makes an interesting story for your hubby to tell his buddies! But really, that guy is in a sad place if he's getting drunk and coming to a store for "revenge" of some sort. :/

[Skittles]

This may be one of the few times I wish there was video evidence of one of the stories. Hearing about a drunken moron running around screaming dildo then peeing on someones car, while making eye contact with the cops is funny enough. Getting to actually see it would be histerical. The only way the story gets better is if he got tazered.

[Nomnom]

Guy is probably a sex offender now for peeing in public and running away without pulling his pants up. Oh and screaming DILDO at children - if he wasn't already, in addition to all the other charges. But jeeze, sounds like he probably deserves it.

[Nocturnesthesia]

I can just imagine the conversations... "So what are you in for" "....Fuckin' jaywalking, man."