Anywho- I thought I'd share some of the truly awful crusties that come to my 'lil corner of hell. I'll call them the Vile, Violent, and Very Rude Crusties.
We are in a complex that is close enough to a pretty nice part of southwestern Ohio on one end and too close to an absolutely terrible part on the other. I get a good amount of nice people (from either part), but the one that takes the cake is Baptist Preacher Man.
This man (from the terrible part) made sure to let me know within hours of me starting my very first shift at Books A Trillion that I was going to hell because I looked like a slut. (My girls are big... I cover them up well, but most shirts produce a small amount of clevage). He demands we give him free coffee for preaching the word and saving souls and recycling (last part I added in), but the best we can do is a 50 cent refill if he brings in his own cup (which he doesn't).
So far, all this man is doing is being annoying. However the entire time he's telling you that you are going to hell or yelling about not getting free coffee, he's farting and burping. I get some people have gas problems- doesn't make it any less gross- but I understand. This man makes the effort to burp and fart. I feel I make it pretty clear I find it vile, but that just encourages him to do it more.
When he get's tired of arguing he will sit in one of our comfy chairs and continue to burp and fart while I clean the cafe or help customers. I even heard him on the phone tell the person on the other line "I just pooted," and then walk away. I feel like sneaking a Beano into the man's coffee next time, but I doubt it would help.
Vile custies are bad, but at least 99% of the time they aren't trying to hurt you, just annoy/gross you out. Violent ones are terrible. I'm getting enough where I feel I can put barista under experience in dealing with violent people for when I apply to be a Probation Officer (for kids). I had two violent crusties these past two weeks- $100 Bill Man and Impatient Cell Phone Man.
$100 Bill Man's story starts off as it sounds- he tries to pay for a small coffee with a $100 bill. I'm not allowed to take anything over $20 in the cafe (unless your order comes out to be more than that-usually only happens when I'm helping ring up books) because it will clean out my drawer. I only get 5's and 1's for paper. I began telling the man I cannot accept his bill and if that is the only tender he has, he must go to customer service to get it broken. It went down something like this
Me: "Sir, I'm sorry I cannot accept any bills over 20 in the cafe. It will clear my drawer and I will be unable to make change for anyone else the rest of the day-"
$100 BM: "Whuddya mean yuh can't take mah money?! It's the LAW! YOU HAFTA TAKE MAH MONEY!"
Me: "Sir, if you go to customer service you can get your bill broken into smaller denominations and then you can pay for your drink."
$100 BM: "THIS IS BULL! I'M AN 'MERICAN! YOU HAFTA TAKE MAH MONEY!"
Me: "And I will, once you get it broken down. Customer Service is just by the front doors-not far. I'll be here when you're done."
$100 BM: TAKES MY NEWSPAPER STAND AND THROWS IT (not at me.. but that's coming) AND THEN PICKS UP A TEA CONTAINER AND CHUCKS IT AT ME
Me: WHAT THE FUCK?! GET OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! YOU ARE LUCKY THE COPS HAVEN'T COME IN FOR THEIR COFFEE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THROWING SHIT IN MY CAFE?! YOU'RE CRAZY! GET OUT! (and some other stuff out of shock and what-the-fuck-ness)
Impatient Cell Phone Man was less scary, more painful. I was nearing the end of my 2 hour rotation for coffee and decided to brew some early. My air pots only hold 64 ounces, and I just sold 3 20oz coffees- yeah, not a lot left. I dump the waste and start a fresh pot. It takes a little over 5 minutes, but I still had a darker roast available for customers. Impatient Cell Phone Man comes up right after I hit start.
ICPM: talking on his cellphone "Yeah I'm just getting some coffee and I'll be right over" covers speaker and looks over, "Two 20oz regulars please"
OK so this guy knows we have regular and dark... I still try and sell the dark since I see he's in a rush
Me: "I just started a new pot, it will be 5 min, but I have our dark roast available to sell now if you like."
ICPM: "REGULAR! DO YOU NOT SPEAK ENGLISH? I WANT REGULAR NOW!"
Me: "I don't have regular available seeing as I just started brewing a new pot. You are welcome to wait if you'd like, or try our dark roast. And I speak English quite well sir."
ICPM: "Fine, dark roast. NOW!"
I pour two cups and put them in a carrier for him and slide it over. Before I can even ring up the coffee's I find myself crouched behind the counter- wanna know why? THE MOTHERFUCKER THREW THE COFFEE AT ME! One hit me in the chest/face and the other hit the wall behind me.
Me: "HOLY SHITSTICKS! WHAT THE HELL?! YOU CAN'T THROW HOT COFFEE AT SOMEONE! IT'S FUCKING HOT YOU FUCKNUT! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!" (I honestly don't know how I'm not fired after swearing at two people for being violent- our company isn't exactly good about standing behind their employees)
ICPM: "GIVE ME REGULAR BITCH!"
Me: "YOU DON'T NEED ANY COFFEE! YOU NEED AN ASS KICKING AND ANGER MANAGEMENT THERAPY YOU NUTJOB! GET OUT! YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T PRESS CHARGES YOU PSYCHO MOTHERFUCKER!"
I was fine... lucky enough to be wearing a couple layers of clothes under my apron, but it was still hot on my face. No scarring, just red. The asswipe left and probably went to Starfucks to get his coffee ( I hope for the employee's sake it wasn't extra hot...)
This one's short- I'm pretty big on please and thank you. It's not hard... but I'm not going to parent someone else's child and tell them please and thank you- I try to lead by example. This little boy comes up to my counter and I ask what he wants:
Boy: "Give me a frozen hot chocolate now."
Wow. Ok so I try and stress the please and thank you thing when I ask for the payment:
Me: "That will be XX.XX please."
Kid slams down a 20- he's a real angel
Me: "THANK YOU! Here is your change! PLEASE have a lovely day!"
It would have ended there except Momma Rude had to catch on to my little lesson of the day and get pissy.
Momma Rude: "My son knows please and thank you, you don't have to be so pushy! Give me one of those things too! Now!"
Ugh, now I know where he gets it from... I do the same with her and she just walks off to do some shopping. I made sure to call over to the registers to let the girl working over there to say please and thank you a lot : )
Until next time!