Sent to RHU from Hiedi:
1. The customer who orders a big round of drinks. One. At. A. Time.
They think you’re too stupid to get it right if they just tell you them all at once. Inevitably, they’ll want a Guinness, and, inevitably, it will be the last thing they remember to mention.
2. The person who dumps their money down onto the wet bar
Your outstretched hand is right there, but actual, physical contact with a service worker is below them. Instead, they make you fish it out from a sticky pool of spilled beer.
3. The one with the ridiculous order - like coffee
It’s 11pm on a Saturday night, the place is absolutely rammed with sweaty people craving booze - making a cappuccino is going to take ages. Why are they even at a bar? Why do they even exist?
4. The customer who needs the head on their pint to be millimetre perfect
This would be less annoying if all the boring beer pedants could agree about how big the optimum head actually is. But they can’t. Because they’re idiots.
5. The customer who thinks that you are bezzie mates
They come in several times a week, they take great pleasure in asking for “the usual” and having you know what they mean.
When the pub’s busy it’s not too much of a problem, but at quiet times you want to rip your own ears off to escape the endless stream of tedious anecdotes and casual racism.
6. The customer who hits on you while you’re trapped behind the bar
They stare at you the whole night, and then hand you a napkin with their number on. Most people would have taken the hint when you didn’t call all week. Not them. They’re back to ask if you lost the number.
7. The customer who clicks their fingers at you
They just wandered in off the street and started acting like a movie cliché version of a big shot.
9. The customer who feels compelled to moan to you about the price
They just ordered three double Grey Goose & cranberry, a double Hendrick’s & tonic, plus the most expensive scotch you sell. Then they want to complain to you about the cost, when you’re scraping £6.19 an hour to put up with their bullshit.
10. The customer who pays in a massive stack of coppers and 5ps
It’s the end of the month and we’ve all been there, but they don’t even think about getting their wallet out until you’ve already made all the drinks. There’s a queue forming, but they’re taking their sweet, sweet time.
11. The drinkers taking public displays of affection to another level
It’s the end of the night and they’re basically having sex on top of the bar. It’s gross and, more to the point, it’s getting in the way of your clearing-up.
12. The drunken oaf who knocks over a full drink onto your clean glasses
The entire bar is drenched in sticky, sugary pink booze. It’s dripped down onto the clean stuff, meaning you’ve got to put everything through the dishwasher all over again.
Then they have the cheek to demand a replacement drink.
13. The customer who utterly monopolises the choice of music
Getting to listen to the songs you want is about the only perk of this job. If they put Dancing in the Moonlight on the jukebox one more time you’re not going to be responsible for your actions.
14. The customer who complains to blag free drinks
Too much tonic in their gin and tonic, eh? Is there a particular reason they only decided to mention that after they’d downed the whole thing?
15. The group who are blatantly smoking a spliff in the beer garden
They’re not being subtle. You can’t comprehend how they could possibly think they are being subtle. When you go over to ask them to stop, they try to play innocent, or, even worse, get all indignant.
16. The customers having so much fun they don’t want to ever leave
You’ve asked them to drink up several times already, but they’ve still barely made a dent in their bottle of Kopparberg and they don’t even seem to be trying. You only get paid until 12 and it’s 5 past already.
Go home. It’s time for home. We’re not actually friends!